When God is hidden

I don't know where God is. I am not sure He listens when I pray. I don't see Him, I don't hear Him, but I am looking for Him.

Over the past 12 months I have lost almost everything and everyone that was dear to me. I changed jobs and worked super-long days, I had a cancer scare and had an accident with my new car. My parents are getting divorced on Friday and had a long and tedious fight up to this point. I am just so tired of fighting and yet I can't stay down. I have a responsible job. My parents depend on me. My siblings seem to think I can fix things.

If I could email God (and there are websites you can do this) and be sure He reads my mail, if I could somehow get a 'read receipt' I would ask a few questions.

It is very presumptuous to imagine that God would read my blog, but He did read Hiskia's note, didn't He? He did see his tears and granted him extra time.

I guess what I really want to say to Him is this:

Lord, I need you more than ever, but today, I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by you and your body. If this is punishment (like some Christians are telling me), I don't understand what it is for. I am supposed to be your child. Forgiven? I am supposed to be part of your body, but I hurt. I am supposed to be part of your bride, but I don't see you. Everytime I get up, I get pushed down again. Why are you hiding or am I just looking in the wrong places? Where are you? Why don't you speak to me? Don't you care that my life seems to be falling apart? Don't you care about this black hole I am in? Where is your care and your provision when I need you most? Since you are God, the fault is probably on my end of this relationship, but I need your help to find you? Please don't leave me where I am this morning. Amen

Small mercies

On Friday I got a (close to) hysterical phonecall from my mom. She wanted me to have the cats put down. The cats have been around for 10 years and neither my mom nor my dad could take them with to their flats.

Help came from a totally unexpected source - a Muslim friend took Anastasia and an atheist friend took Rusti (my sister insisted on this spelling).

I saw the hand of God in this. Small mercies. The Bible says His mercies are new every morning - I think this is somehow easier to believe before the day's rush starts, when everything is cool and crisp... and then on a dusty Friday afternoon God shows up and save two family cats.

Letting go

My parents are getting divorced. They have been married for 33 and a half years. At this stage, I don't feel much about it. I just want it over.

With the divorce came a whole lot of other issues. My sister lived in their house until today. Today she is moving to Durban. In my mind, she always was my little sister and I had to protect her from a lot of things.

Today I need to take a step back. I cannot protect her. She got hurt in this divorce - yesterday she gave me her Bible and said she gave up on serving God, because praying did not help her much. She does not read this blog and does not know how close I came to giving up myself.

I am nervous about this move, I think this is how a parent bird must feel when that little bird takes its first leap from the nest. The difference is this - I am nowhere near Durban. On the other hand I do have technology to help me cross the distance.

Today I have to trust God to take care of Ester. To keep her and protect her and to heal her. Because I can't.

Thursday afternoon

It is Thursday afternoon and I just put the phone down after speaking to a friend. Every time I do this, I ask myself the same kind of questions.

I am not convinced that a Christian can exist outside community, but being part of community means opening oneself up and implies vulnerability. Experience taught me that it hurts. I really do think it is better if I am not exposed anymore than I really have to be, but then... I am back to square 1.

Yesterday I took my mom to her (divorce) lawyer. When I got back a Christian friend asked me how it went and when I was not too positive about the meeting, her response was, 'Can't be! I prayed.' Before I could stop myself I said that I have been praying for months to no avail.

I don't understand God or His ways. I don't understand why He asks what I believe He does. I read all Philip Yancey's books (which I thoroughly enjoyed at the time) and I still don't know where God is when it hurts or why it is so difficult for me to connect with an invisible God.

Sometimes I think I should not blog anymore or speak to other Christians, because I don't sound like a Christian anymore.

I still believe that there is a God, I believe Jesus died and rose again. I just battle to find Him through all the noises of my life. And then the phone rings and a friend reminds me that there is still a catholic church and that Christians probably should not try to find God alone. And I am back to square 1 yet again.

The meaning of success

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty,

to find the best in others;

to leave the world a little better;

whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is the meaning of success." -

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I give up

This morning there is no fight left in me. I give up. I feel ancient. I feel like I have seen it all, done more than my part and just cannot carry on.

I don't know where God is and if He cares at all. Why didn't He make me different? So somebody could love me and take care of me? Or tougher, so I could cope?

I don't know which emotions are real, I don't know which facts are true and which are just illusions.Tricks played by my own mind? Drug induced?

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to face another day. I just can't do this any more.

Hearts

"If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care."

- Marvin J. Ashton (1915-1994)

Obedience

I own a cat (who thinks he owns me). His name is Thomas O'Malley. For some unknown reason, Thomas likes to bring me little gifts which he always leaves in the same spot in front of my bed. These vary from rats to snakes and then pieces of paper I suspect was blowing in the wind.

I wish Thomas would understand that I love him and I really do not want him to catch all these things and bring it home. I juct want him to be a cat. I want him to be home when I get there. I want him to snuggle. I want him to be happy. I do not want him to roam and hunt.

Last night Thomas took a long long looooong walk and only returned home at 2:00 this morning. I didn't sleep much. I got up several times to look for him. I did not want him outside, in the cold and dark night.

I suspect we might be a bit like Thomas. God wants us to be His children and to be obedient. However, instead of obedience, I try to bring sacrifices. Truth be told, these sacrifices don't always look like I envisioned it.

I want to hear God's voice. I pray that God will help me to do what He wants, when He wants. I also pray that God will help me to experience His love for me.

To forgive or not to forgive

When a friend hurts you, it really hurts. I think even more so because it is unexpected - it feels like the person who was supposed to have your back covered, stabbed you in the back. It makes you want to build 8 feet high walls around your heart and life, never trusting again and most defintely never being vulnerable again. You feel betrayed, sold out, like damaged goods, not good enough. Madame Dorothée Deluzy (a French actress from the 18th Century) said: "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend." I can understand it. A friend knew you. A friend should be trusted. You should be safe.

I can quote lots of people, like Oscar Wilde (fellow Irishman ;-)) who said: "Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much." Or Gandhi, or Alexander Pope, but we always have to get back to what Jesus said.

The bottomline is Jesus taught us to pray, "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us". You have to forgive. I have to forgive.

What is forgiveness? I think it starts by saying "I am sorry" (and mean it). I think it is trusting God to bring healing to your emotions and that of the other party. I think it is not drawing sharp breaths on receipt of emails, wondering what the agenda is this time. I think it is letting go. I think it is a process.

What do you think?

St Patrick's breastplate

Christ be with me,

Christ within me,

Christ behind me,

Christ before me,C

hrist beside me,

Christ to win me,

Christ to comfort and restore me.

Christ beneath me,

Christ above me,

Christ in quiet,

Christ in danger,

Christ in hearts of all that love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself today the strong name of the Trinity.

-St Patrick-

When you are down

This morning I had a battle to get out of bed and have a bath. It was just really difficult. I am not sure how simple tasks can become SO difficult.

I don't like violent movies, but I have seen the occasional boxing match scene. I have always assumed that when a boxer falls down and the ref starts counting, that boxer just physically can not get up. This morning I considered the alternative - maybe he just does not want to. Maybe he had enough and doesn't want his opponent to hit him yet again?

The next step in my strange logic is that I could then just stay in bed and not speak to anyone. In doing so nothing and nobody could hit me. Less exposure, less pain. If you don't share your life, nobody can reject you, bypass you, ignore your existence or hurt you.

But then, what if life is more of a street fight and the fact that you are down does not stop anybody or anything from beating you up further?

Somehow, I must find the faith and energy to make it through today. Just today. I am not sure I can do this, but I am going to give it my best shot. Get up, just one more time.

When you think you are getting up...

... or even standing, watch out!

Paul wrote to the Corinthians, "So, if you think you are standing, firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" I have often thought he might as well have been talking to people with depression.

Just when you think you are getting up out of the clay, you are vulnerable. Every fall takes its toll. More injuries. Less energy. Less faith in the people around me. Less faith in God.

Every time darkness comes, I am more tempted to walk away from everything and just never go back. On days like today, I seriously doubt if I am a Christian.

I know I have to trust God, but wish I could fix everything myself. As much as I long to have my community back, I am too scared to be vulnerable in their presence. As much as I yearn for the presence of God in my life and His comfort, I will rather run and not have the pain if I don't experience His love.

I wish I could make sense of everything that happened over the past months and God's hand in it. I wish I could make sense of my friends and people who used to be friends' responses. I just can't. Maybe I just don't want to anymore.

When Ctrl + Z does not work

Over the past few years I learned that almost every error can be fixed with two simple keys - Ctrl + Z. But what if it does not work?

What if it is a real life (as opposed to typing / Formula) error? What if it is like a clay pot that fell and your life appears to be in shards? This is where I am today.

Even if you try to glue a clay pot together, it will never be the same. There will be gaps and missing pieces. However, this can be to God's honour. We have several broken pots in our community (literally) and sometimes we light candles inside them. The play of light is beautiful and says something of God, making the broken and fragile beautiful.

Today I have to trust God to pick up the pieces of my life and make something new. A clay pot that can let His light through. If God does not help me, all my efforts are in vain.

Just for today, I will hope in God. Even if He is silent now, I know He always spoke when the time was ripe. Even if it is dark, I know He always gave light on the right time. Even if I feel lost, I know He always marked the road before. Even if I am anxious, He has given me peace before. Even if I am weak, He has been my strength before. God has never let me down before.

Today, 31 July 2007, I dare to trust God. I dare to, once more, place my hope in Him.

The big hole - in Kimberley and in my heart

I was born in Kimberley. Kimberley is just a town in the Karoo and if it weren't for diamonds discovered there, the town might never have existed. However, diamonds were discovered and more and more people flocked there.

The open mine eventually became the biggest man made hole. It is Kimberley's claim to fame, and yet I think it is a scar. Even if they fill it up again (which will never happen), something will always be missing.

There is another big hole in my heart. I miss my community and my friends. I long to be with them and to make a lot of things I did undone. Somehow letters of apology never fix the damage caused when you spoke in anger. I long for forgiveness and acceptance. I long to experience God's love. I long to hear Him again.

I simply don't have the guts to go back after I haven't been with my community in weeks. Last week Tom and I had a discussion around crows and the community taking care like crows. I am just not sure how to go back. I don't know how to do it and yet I long to be there, to at least try to fill this hole up again.

I am in tears yet again and the week hasn't even started. Today, I think I have a hole bigger than Kimberley's in my heart.

May God give me the guts to make it through this day - Monday, 30 July 2007. May I experience something of His love for me in the not too distant future. May I experience Him through His Body once more.

An artist's prayer

Lord,

make me see your glory

in every place.

Amen.

Michelangelo (1475-1564)

This thing called 'Community'

Community never came naturally to me. It is a discipline. One I practice with mixed results. When I am well, I am generally OK with community - when I am not OK, I prefer being much more of a hermit.

I am OK with the fact that a community consists of different parts. Going back to Paul's letter to the Corinthians we know that everybody cannot be the eyes or the feet. There are different people with different personalities and different roles in God's Kingdom.

There are different people with different personalities and different roles in the community I committed to. I was sure that that was what God wanted me to do. I had to accountable somewhere. When the wheels started coming off in my life and I was hurt, I started looking for ways out. I even resigned. My community did not accept it. For some strange reason they support me and I know I am safe.

Socrates said "Be slow to fall into friendship, but when you are in, continue firm and constant." I wonder what Jesus would say? Maybe "By this people will know you are My disciples - that you love one another"? "Forgive - no, not seven times. Seventy times seven times."?

Maybe, just maybe, my community can be God's way to get through to me. To wipe the tears and to comfort me. I love these people. I know that they care for me. A few months ago someone said 'this is like a marriage, for better or for worse'. Even if my community is not God's hands in this time in my life, I know I will be wrong to walk out.

What would Jesus do?

This morning my friend Tom reminded me of two things from 1 Kings 17. Firstly that God was in the 'still small voice' and secondly that God provides. I commented on the ravens that God used and he (Tom) asked if I don't think my community can be God's ravens in this time.

I went to gym during lunch and thought about the ravens. I also thought about Jesus.

Jesus always met people where they were. He fed hungry people and then told them He is the Bread of Life, He spoke to the woman at the well and said He is the Living Water. Jesus related to people. He met them where they were - both demographically and spiritually.

May Jesus meet me where I am today.

PS: I think I will give Tom's advice a shot. He might just be right ;-)

Unipolar depression

I have unipolar depression. There it is - out in the open.

I have a daily battle to get up, take a bath, go to work, go to gym, remember to eat and take my medicine. Simple tasks suddenly became really difficult. Things I took for granted, like the ability to spell and concentrate seem to have vanished. Every day is a battle. Every day I tell myself that I only have to make it through one day.

Every day I wish it was different. Every day I wish I could be careless and laugh, but I can't. I started blogging on www.depressionanonymous.blogspot.com because I could not get my mind around it that a Christian can actually suffer from depression.

I am back. I will blog here. I trust God to get me through this day. Tomorrow? We will think about it in the morning, not before.

Transmission interrupted

I will not blog here for a while. I am blogging on another site. However, it is a different story.

How do you know...

... if you are a Christian? This is not a trick question. I really want to know what you think. Please leave a comment or email me at emtiag@gmail.com.

I lift my eyes

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven,

creator of the earth

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven,

creator of the earth

Oh how I need You Lord

You are my only hope

You’re my only prayer

So I will wait for You!

To come and rescue me

Come and give me life...

Psalm 121

The evening prayer

Evening Prayer (from Northumbria's webpage)

Said or sung all together except for the sentences marked 'Call' which are for the Leader only.+ indicates that you may make the sign of the cross.

+ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Opening sentences

My soul waits for the Lord

more than those

who watch for the morning,

more than those

who watch for the morning.

Call: Out of the depths I have cried to You.

Response: O Lord, hear my voice.

Call: With my whole heart I want to praise You.

Response: O Lord, hear my voice.

Call: If you, Lord, should mark iniquities:

Response: Who could stand? who could stand?

I will wait for the Lord.

My soul waits,

and in His word

do I hope.

Expressions of faith

Lord, You have always given

bread for the coming day;

and though I am poor,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always given

strength for the coming day;

and though I am weak,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always given

peace for the coming day;

and though of anxious heart,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always kept

me safe in trials;

and now, tried as I am,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always marked

the road for the coming day;

and though it may be hidden,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always lightened

this darkness of mine;

and though the night is here,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always spoken

when time was ripe;

and though you be silent now,

today I believe.

Scripture readings

Psalm

Old Testament scripture

New Testament scripture

Please click below on the day of the month, to be taken to the

scripture references for today's readings
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Meditation for the day of the month

Please click below on the day of the month to be taken to the Meditiation for today

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Prayers for others

Canticle

In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.
The Lord is my light, my salvation;

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the refuge of my life;

of whom shall I be afraid?
In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.
One thing I ask of the Lord,

one thing I seek;

to dwell in the presence of my God,

to gaze on Your holy place.
In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.
I believe I shall see the goodness

of the Lord in the land of the living.

O wait for the Lord!

Have courage and wait,

wait for the Lord.
In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.

Blessing

See that ye be at peace among yourselves,

my children,

and love one another.

Follow the example of good men of old

and God will comfort you and help you,

both in this world

and in the world which is to come.

+ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Beloved

It snowed in Johannesburg! Shortly before midnight my neighbour woke me up to come and look at the snow. It was beautiful! Those of you who live in Johannesburg or have visited, will know that snow is really unusual here.

It reminded me of a story ons of our lecturers told us. In 1981 he was counselling a lady with endogenous depression. She could simply not experience love. Not from people and definetely not from God. On a glorious spring day (in September) she burst out that if God loved her, He would make it snow! Our lecturer cringed. He was so sure that God loved this lady, but did he dare ask for snow? In Spring? In Johannesburg? The next day it snowed. 11 September 1981. He says the lady cried and cried, she knew that God loved her. Tragically, she committe suicide a few months later. However, that day she played in the snow with children, she laughed - she experienced God's touch.

Five weeks ago I was diagnosed with endogenous depression. Over the past few weeks I have had so many questions. Can a Christian have depression? Can God love me? Why doesn't He heal me? Whilst I was experiencing ghastly side effects from the medcation, somebody 'prophecied' that I was grieving the Holy Spirit by taking the medicine.

It is hard for me to experience love. It is tough to believe that my friends don't have hidden agendas and want the best for me. I am battling. I have lots of questions and hardly any answers.

But in the early morning hours, while I was watching the snow, I too experienced a glimpse of God's love. I did not ask for snow or any other signs yet I heard just a whisper that I am His beloved.

The midday prayer

This is the midday prayer (from Northumbria). It is meant for the middle of the day. It is short and helps me to focus on Jesus despite all the 'other voices' around me.

Midday Prayer

Said or sung all together.

+ indicates that you may make the sign of the cross.

+ In the name of the Father,and of the Son,and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Opening Sentences

Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us.

Establish Thou the work of our hands;

establish Thou the work of our hands.

The Lord's Prayer
Our Father,

who art in heaven,

hallowed be Thy name;

Thy kingdom come;

Thy will be done;

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation;

but deliver us from evil.

Amen

Declaration of faith

We believe and trust in God the Father Almighty.

We believe and trust in Jesus Christ His Son.

We believe and trust in the Holy Spirit.

We believe and trust in the Three in One.

Canticle

Teach us,

dear Lord,

to number our days;

that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

Oh, satisfy us early with Thy mercy,

that we may rejoice and be glad all of our days.

And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us;

and establish Thou the work of our hands.

And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us;

and establish Thou the work of our hands,

dear Lord.

Blessing

Let nothing disturb thee,

nothing affright thee;

all things are passing,

God never changeth!

Patient endurance attaineth to all things;

who God possesset hin nothing is wanting;

alone God sufficeth.

+ In the name of the Father,and of the Son,and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen

The Daily Office

A couple of my friends are following the Daily office. There are 3 prayers - the morning prayer, the midday prayer and the evening prayer. It keeps us focused to stop and think about God for a while.

It effects my environment when I meet God at my desk, whilt driving, at home, everywhere I go...

This is the morning prayer (from Nortnumbria Community's site):

Morning Prayer

Said or sung all together except for the sentences marked 'Call' which are for the Leader only.+ indicates that you may make the sign of the cross.

+ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Opening sentences

One thing I have asked of the Lord,this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life;

to behold the beauty of the Lord

and to seek Him in His temple.

Call: Who is it that you seek?

Response: We seek the Lord our God.

Call: Do you seek Him with all your heart?

Response: Amen. Lord, have mercy.

Call: Do you seek Him with all your soul?

Response: Amen. Lord, have mercy.

Call: Do you seek Him with all your mind?

Response: Amen. Lord, have mercy.

Call: Do you seek Him with all your strength?

Response: Amen. Christ, have mercy.

Declaration of faith

To whom shall we go?

You have the words of eternal life,

and we have believed and have come to know

that You are the Holy One of God.

Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ,King of endless glory.

Scripture readings

Psalm

Old Testament scripture

New Testament scripture

Please click below on the day of the month,

to be taken to the scripture references for today's readings

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Meditation for the day of the month

Please click below on the day of the month to be taken to the Meditation for today
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Prayers for others

Canticle

Christ, as a light

illumine and guide me.

Christ, as a shield

overshadow me.

Christ under me;

Christ over me;

Christ beside me

on my left and my right.

This day be within and without me,

lowly and meek,

yet all-powerful.

Be in the heart of each to whom I speak;

in the mouth of each who speaks unto me.

This day be within and without me,

lowly and meek,

yet all-powerful.

Christ as a light;

Christ as a shield;

Christ beside me

on my left and my right.

Blessing

May the peace of the Lord Christ go with you,

wherever He may send you.

May He guide you through the wilderness,

protect you through the storm.

May He bring you home rejoicing

at the wonders He has shown you.

May He bring you home rejoicing

once again into our doors.

+ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

5 reasons why I dig (follow) Jesus

Tom tagged me to name the reasons why I follow Jesus:

• He is compassionate. The Greek word that is used to describe His empathy in the Gospels, literally means that 'his stomach turned in empathy'.
• He meets people on their own level and in their own circumstances and idiom. I am thinking of the women at the well; when he fed the multitude and then called Himself the Bread of Life, etc.
• In His life on earth, He cared more about what God said than what people wanted, for example when He cleaned the temple. The popular thing would probably have been to turn a blind eye, but Jesus chased the dealers out with a whip.
• His radicality was not limited to philosophy, He actually LIVED it. He ate with sinners, was in contact with lepers, He was friends with the illiterate - the social outcasts?
• He gave me an opportunity. In fact, He gives me so many opportunities and chances every day... i.e. He first loved me and when I stumble and fall, He is always there to pick me up and He always allows me to try again.

Today

I arise today

Through a mighty strength:

God's power to guide me,

God's might to uphold me,

God's eyes to watch over me;

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to give me speech,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to shelter me,

God's host to secure me.

first millenium - bridgid of gael

Tuesday morning

This morning I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, which reads, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." ( NIV)

The famous Chasidic Rabbi Menachem Mendel taught, “The only whole heart is a broken one.”

Maybe, when my own heart is broken, I can truly come to a place where Jesus becomes more and I become less. Yet, I have this promise, I will not be crushed. God, who created me and who knows my weaknesses, chose me to carry His precious message in the unadorned clay pot of my ordinary life.

Martin Luther, death and depression

One of our lecturers once told us an anecdote about Martin Luther.

Martin Luther played a vital role in the Church reformation in the 16th century. He was one of the first priests to marry (a nun whom he helped to escape) and had 6 children. His 95 statements are well known and the basis of the reformation.

When his son died, he took the boy's body to the seminary where he taught. As he laid it on a desk, he told his students that he is comforted by the fact that one day Jesus will return and when He does, He will walk over to his (Martin Luther's) grave, knock, and call: "Herr doctor Martin Luther, come out!"

I remember being shocked at the idea of a corpse in a seminary and then at the audacity of the German formality. Yet, today, I am comforted by Martin Luther's words.

I hope in God. Jesus will return and make all things new. He will raise the dead, He will give us new bodies. Yes, we are here and have a role to play on earth, now. However, Jesus will return. His Kingdom in which we live now, will span into eternity.

Today, I pray that God will renew my mind and help my unbelief.

At the end

"When you get to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly."-

Edward Teller

Authenticity and integrity

"An authentic life is the most personal form ofworship. Everyday life has become my prayer."- Sarah Ban Breathnach

---

"Nothing at last is sacred but the integrity of your own mind."-

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Say Shibboleth!

One of my favorite stories from Judges (chapter 12) is that of Shibboleth / שבולת (which literally means "stream, torrent").

The pronunciation of this word was used to distinguish members of the Ephraimites whose dialect lacked a sh- sound (as in shoe) from members of a the Gileadites whose dialect did include such a sound.

After the inhabitants of Gilead inflicted a military defeat upon the tribe of Ephraim, the surviving Ephraimites tried to cross the Jordan River back into their home territory and the Gileadites secured the river's fords to stop them. In order to identify and kill these disguised refugees, the Gileadites put each refugee to a simple test: 'Say Shibboleth!' According to the account in Judges forty two thousand men were slain when they replied 'Sibboleth'.

I always thought this account to be strange and unfair. How can you kill someone based on the pronunciation of a single word? What if one of the Gileadites had a speech impediment and also got the pronunciation wrong?

On the other hand... don't we do just the same? I know this is taking it out of context, but aren't we surrounding ourselves with people just like us? Yes, I live in post-apartheid South Africa. Unfortunately, most of my friends are still white (like me), live in their own properties (like me), drive new cars (like me), speak Afrikaans (like me), earn good salaries (like me)... we see the same movies, read the same books, we blog and read each others' blogs.

Tom quoted McGavran saying: "Men and women like to become Christians without crossing linguistic, racial, and class lines" in his post on the Homogenous Unit Principle.

Am I not saying my own Shibboleth here? Making my own rules? What kind of Body are we building? Can I be a Christian in his comfort zone? Is this picking up my cross and following Jesus?

I suspect not... what do you think?

Henri Nouwen: Out of Solitude

A dear friend recently introduced me to Henri Nouwen's work. He was a Catholic priest who authored more than 40 books in his 64 years. This is a quote from 'Out of solitude'.

". . Every human being has a great, yet often unknown, gift to care, to be compassionate, to become present to the other, to listen, to hear and to receive. If that gift would be set free and made available, miracles could take place. Those who really care can receive bread from a stranger and smile in gratitude, can feed many without even realizing it. Those who can sit in silence with their fellowman not knowing what to say but knowing that they should be there, can bring new life in a dying heart. Those who are not afraid to hold a hand in gratitude, to shed tears in grief, and to let a sigh of distress arise straight from the heart, can break through paralyzing boundaries and witness the birth of a new fellowship, the fellowship of the broken. . . .

To care means first of all to empty our own cup and to allow the other to come close to us. It means to take away the many barriers which prevent us from entering into communion with the other. When we dare to care, then we discover that nothing human is foreign to us, but that all the hatred and love, cruelty and compassion, fear and joy can be found in our own hearts. When we dare to care, we have to confess that when others kill, I could have killed too. When others torture, I could have done the same. . . .

By the honest recognition and confession of our human sameness we can participate in the care of God who came, not to the powerful but powerless, not to be different but the same, not to take our pain away but to share it. Through this participation we can open our hearts to each other and form a new community."

Healing

A couple of months ago, we had a lot of discussions in our community around healing. I have many questions on this topic, and I am afraid, almost no answers.

This is what our elders said:

We believe:

- God still heals (and therefore we reject [1]dispensationalism).
- We can pray for healing.
- Every case is unique, Jesus does not use formulas.
- Sometimes, God says ‘no’.
- Healing remains a mystery.
- Not everybody is healed.
- Mortality is an issue to us (humans).
- We should be grateful in all things.
- Healing includes more than just physical bodies.

We have experienced:

- People get hurt when someone is not healed.
- People get hurt when questions are asked about why someone was not healed and answers like ‘lack of faith’ or ‘someone must have sinned’ are given.

We would like to see that:

- Our reflex to disease would be: ‘Lord, please heal me?’
- We would obtain a healthy balance on the scale of healing where we have ‘No medicine, God will heal me’ on the one hand and ‘I am on a great medical plan, I do not need God to heal me’ on the other.

How do we pray for healing?

- The sick should (according to James 5) take the first step and ask for prayer.
- We should create space for this in our services.
- We ought to respect the sick.
- We should listen to Jesus’ heart for the sick. Jesus was deeply involved with and [2]deeply moved by the sick before he healed anybody.
- We have the consider and respect the sick person’s family

[1] Dispensationalism is the teaching that the Lord did miracles for a period of time so the Gospel could spread fast, but He stopped doing it in around 120 bC
[2] The Greek word translated with ‘deeply moved’ is splangnidzomai  (splangnidzomai). It literally means ‘gut-wrenching empathy’

Tom also posted on the topic of sickness. You can read his post here.

Now... where does medicine (and specifically chronic medication) fit in? At which point should one accept that you are ill and it is not going away? When is a person sick? Do you stop praying for someone who is sick at some point? If you are supposed to use chronic medication, should / can you stop using it if you believe that God healed you?

Your thoughts?

Waiting for power

I work in Sandton, Johannesburg. This morning it is freezing outside and we do not have any electricity in the building. We are not sure when power will be restored.

This is also the week of Pentecost. The time the disciples spent in Jerusalem, waiting for the power Jesus promised when He ascended to heaven. They prayed in the upper room, not knowing when they might receive this power or what it would be like.

They had Jesus' instruction: "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

Coming from a Pentecostal background, I came to believe that this power referred to the gifts of the Holy Spirit, or charismata. We used to have prayerweeks during Pentecost, praying for people to be baptised in the Holy Spirit with the sign of speaking in tongues.

But then... all the charismata Paul described in 1 Corinthians 12 and 14 with the exception of tongues and interpretation of tongues already occurred in the ministries of Elijah and Elisa.

What if... this power is not about the charismata? What if it really is about the people we become when we are guided by the Holy Spirit? The fruit of the Spirit? One of our lecturers used to tell us that the charismata is like scaffolding on the church. It will be there will the church is under construction and then it will be removed.

However, the essence of the church is love. The fruit of the Spirit is love. Jesus said "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. "(John 13:34-35 ESV)

My friend, Tom, preached on Pentecost last year. He said that Pentecost was God's change of address. God no longer lives in a temple or church buildings, but in us - His temple.

We need to show Jesus to the world. He asked us to be His witnesses to the end of the earth. How? I think through love... love that God pours into our hearts (Romans 5:5), love that surpasses all human understanding. The love we saw when Jesus laid down His life for us. The power of the Spirit? I think it is the guts to love unconditionally.

Your thoughts?

The commission

When Jesus was taken into heaven, He left us an instruction.

He told the disciples to go to Jerusalem and wait for the Holy Spirit, and then He commissioned them to go to Jerusalem, Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth to spread His Good News, baptize people and make them disciples.

The Good News? The gospel. Meant for the afflicted. Meant for the sick. He came to proclaim liberty to captives, sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free, to proclaim a year of favour from the Lord (Luke 4).

He died in my place and in yours. My job then? To tell the story, the Good News... not only to people who look like me, speak the way I do, read the books and blogs I do, but to everybody... to the ends of the earth.

May He find us faithful to this commission on His return.

I'll be back

Today is ascension day. The Church worldwide remembers the day that Jesus was taken up into heaven. I have often tried to put me in the disciples' shoes, but don't think I'll ever be able to.

Their Rabbi, their Jesus, lived with them and taught them, laughed with them, cried with them, walked with them, they saw His miracles and then He was crucified, He died and was buried.
The world as they knew it ended.

And then... three days later, He rose from the dead. They saw Him, spoke to Him, looked at His wounds. It was a miracle! Just forty days after He rose from the dead, He left. Taken into heaven. Gone. But He left the disciples and us with a promise: 'I'll be back'. He has gone to prepare a place for His Bride, the Church.

He did not leave us like orphans either, He sent another Comforter, the Holy Spirit. I will write about that in another post.

Today, the Church says, 'Maranatha, come Lord Jesus' and we know that He will be back. I think those first disciples often looked up, searching the sky, remembering that He said He will return the way He left. May we look forward to that day with the anticipation of a Bride preparing for her wedding day.

Psalm 131 - A song of humility

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

1 My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore.

Being Body

Our community, Kleipot, decided to discuss seven invitations to a closer walk with Jesus this year. We spend approximately four weeks on each invitation and completed "Number One" where we looked at the Kingdom of God and making God our first priority. We call the second invitation "Plugged in" and discussed spending time with God, spiritual disciplines and salvation.

Yesterday we started talking about the third invitation - "Re-member". This invitation is about community and to introduce the topic, we looked at the true Church reading Acts 2:42-47.

Two things stood out. Firstly I think we romanticise the Acts 2 church. We were reminded that the Acts 2 church became the Acts 4 church who struggled with pretense and money. They became the Acts 6 church... Galatians who thought they knew it all and did not need grace... Ephesians... read the New Testament. They had the same issues we battle with today! They were as imperfect as we are. They had the same calling we have today. They were Church just like us.

Church... ekklesia... those who were called out. A group of people called to be the Body of Jesus and to spread His Good News, to show His love... yet we get it wrong. We get it wrong in many ways.

The second thing that stood out, is that we - being Church - forgot what we were called for. I think we were called to love? I think we were called to show Jesus to the world. Jesus is not the Lion of Judah who came to wipe the wicked off the face of the earth. Jesus is the Son of God who chose to die in my place, who loved me so much that He gave his life for me... and for the next sinner.

Our job? To live the Good News of Jesus' love. To tell people the Good News of Jesus' love.

We closed our service by listening to a song of Casting Crowns, I include the lyrics in this post:

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

CHORUS

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road

CHORUS

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ

Chorus (2x)

If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
Jesus is the way

Today is Monday, the second day of the week. My challenge this week? To be part of this Body of Christ. To live the Good News. To love with His love.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

The Lord's my Shepherd,

I'll not want:

He maketh me down to lie

In pastures green;

he leadeth me

The quiet waters by.

My soul He doth restore again,

And me to walk doth make

Within the paths of righteousness,

E'en for His own Name's sake.

Yea, though I walk in death's dark vale,

Yet will I fear none ill;

For Thou art with me; and

Thy rod

And staff me comfort still.

My table

Thou hast furnishèd In presence of my foes;

My head

Thou dost with oil anoint,

And my cup overflows.

Goodness and mercy all my life

Shall surely follow me;

And in God's house for evermore

My dwelling-place shall be.

– Scots Metrical Psalter, 1650

Standing on the shoulders of giants

On the side of the British two pound coin is a phrase that (in my mind) defines a part of being community. Standing on the shoulders of giants.

The 12th century theologian and author John of Salisbury used a version of the phrase in a treatise on logic called Metalogicon, written in Latin in 1159. The gist of what Salisbury said is:

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours."

Isaac Newton quoted this in a letter to his rival Robert Hooke, in 1676: "What Descartes did was a good step. You have added much several ways, and especially in taking the colours of thin plates into philosophical consideration. If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants."

Living in a community can be a challenge, yet living in a community empowers me. When I am shortsighted, they can help me. When I am weak, they can lift me up. And they do.

I think this is God's awesome plan - He did not make us lone riders, He gave us each other. Our job is to encourage, to lift it each other up, but also to speak to the truth in love. To mold, to hold accountable, to be there for each other. All of this in relationships...

To my community, who regularly allow me to stand on their shoulders so I can see beter - thank you!

Enemies of the Church?

Still on the topic of being Church... as I mentioned in the previous post - the Church is a living organism and not a building. I have not changed my mind on this. However, I would like to compare the Church to a building in this post.

This picture of St Pauls during the blitz (World War II) is displayed at the cathedral. It reminds me of the trials and tribulations we (as Christians / Church) go through.

Being a Christian does not indemnify me. There are no guarantees that bad things will not happen to me too. In fact, when you read through Acts, you are confronted with a lot of things that went wrong.

Yet... through all of this God protected the Church. God protected the Church through times of prosecution and lots of trials. St Pauls stood through the war and is still beautiful. In my mind, it became a picture of the Church, the Bride and God's protection. I know that this magnificent building will not stand forever, but we have God's promise that the Church will be there for ever.

As a teenager I once saw a picture of two fortresses - one had Christians from different denominations in it and the other had representatives from all the other religions in it. The gunmen in the second fortress aimed at the Christians. And the Christians? The Christians took aim at each other.

We have God's promise that the Church will exist and is Jesus' Bride. God protects the Church and yet we attack each other and I don't know why? Why is it so easy to see other Christians' sins and errors when Jesus said we have to remove the logs from our own eyes first?

I pray that God will help me to love the Church the way He does. I pray that He will soften my heart and help me to remove the log from my eye before I fiddle with the splinter in my brother's eye. I pray that God will change me first.

May you have a blessed day!

Being Church

I am back from my holiday in the UK and just loved it :-)

I visited some cathedrals, saw renovations to church buildings and saw yet some other church buildings closed or converted to shops. I thought about church and what being church really means.

St Pauls is an alltime favorite! It is awesome. When I stood inside (no pictures allowed, sorry) I thought about the Church as Jesus' bride. Church cannot be a building. It cannot be static. Church is me and you. Church is alive. When I looked at the splendour of the building I could not help to wonder what Church looks like to Jesus.

What is our role as Bride / Church? Surely we cannot just sit back and wait for our Groom. Our community are looking at seven invitations from Jesus this year. We looked at making Him Number One in our lives and now we are looking at spending time with Him. We call it 'plugging in daily'. Jesus wants to transform us, but we need to spend time with Him.

We need to form habits (maybe we could call it disciplines?) to set ourselves apart from the world and spend time with Jesus. We are His Bride. His representative (yes, singular) on earth. To represent someone, you need to know what that person would do or think. The only way to do this, is to spend time with them.

What a great opportunity and invite... plugging in, being able to listen to God and having the opportunity to speak to Him. Being able to transform ... not static, but alive.

My Redeemer lives

Yesterday was probably the strangest Good Friday of my life. I am on holiday in London and decided to visit St Pauls. I attended a very solemn service of 3 hours and was faced by the cruelty of the cross. I think being raised in a Christian home has some disadvantaged - for one - we are 'used to the cross'. Being in strange church in a strange city in a foreign country took me out of my comfort zone and helped me to look at the cross and consider what happened.

I think I (we?) hardly ever stop to consider what really happened. The cross was cruel, it was created to cause a long and painful death while people mocked the person on the cross.

We often talk about how Jesus died in our place, but I forget that He did not simply take a bullet for me. It was long - it was humiliating - it was creation mocking Creator.

Yet, He forgave me.

Yet, He calls me friend.

I can not understand nor comprehend this.

Tomorrow we will celebrate Jesus' resurrection. The foundation of our faith. Tomorrow I will remember that Jesus is my Creator who died a slow and painful death - so I can live. Tomorrow I will celebrate this with the church, the body of Christ across denominations.

Nicole Mullen sings a song called 'My Redeemer lives', here is a part of the lyrics...

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?

And who told the ocean you can only come this far?

And who showed the moon where to hide till evening?

Who's words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know my redeemer lives

I know my redeemer lives

All of creation testifies

this life within me cries

I know my redeemer lives

The very same God

that spins things in orbitruns to the weary,

the worn and the weak

and the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken

they conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know, my redeemer lives

I know my redeemer lives

let all creation testify

that this life within me cries

I know

my redeemer

He lives

to take away my shame

and he lives

forever I'll proclaim

the amount of pain that bought my sin

was the precious life He gave

and now he's alive and

there's an empty grave!

And I knowmy redeemer lives

I know my redeemer lives

let all creation testify

that this life within me cries

I know my redeemer

I knowmy redeemer lives

I know my redeemer lives

I know my redeemer lives

He lives He lives

I spoke with him this morning!

He lives

I'm gonna tell everybody ...

May you be drawn to the cross - A prayer from Aggie's benedictions

may you be drawn

to the cross

across years and miles

of sorrow and joy

comforted by its harsh form,

longing for its peace.
as you journey,

may you focus

not only on your destination

but on your fellow pilgrims

displaced and searching

in desperate need of Christ.
and may you never

stop walking

though in despair and confused

whatever your burden

knowing that perfect healing awaits

at the cross of Christ.

Citizenship

Today I got my Irish passport! I am very excited. I am a born and bred South African, but had an Irish grandfather. My siblings applied for their Irish citizenship and passports years ago, but the idea just never appealed to me. Last year, I finally applied for Irish citizenship.

I am excited, because I am leaving for the UK on Friday and now I can stand in the 'short queue' on Heathrow :-) I will not need visums for EU countries again, because I am now an EU citizen.

All the excitement about citizenship reminded me of my most important citizenship. I am also a citizen of the Kingdom of heaven. This citizenship carries great benefits and some responsibility - the King of all kings became my Father.

The Creator of the Universe is interested in me and my wellbeing. He cared enough to come to earth and live as a human. He cared enough to take my punishment. He did not do a simple trade-off nor did He write some diplomatic agreement. He paid the full price. I am redeemed because of the price He paid.

And now... I am His ambassador. Paul writes that we are new creations. We are under a New Ruler with new rules.

New rules? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul and love your fellow man as you love yourself. Just that.

Palm Sunday

This Sunday will be Palm Sunday. We will remember Jesus' final entry in Jerusalem. The crowds waving palms, throwing clothes on the ground... and Jesus, the King of Kings making His entry on a donkey. Simple, yet King. Humble, yet Lord of all creation.

I don't think God needs our praise, but we need to praise Him. God made us with the desire to worship and if we do not worship Him, we will find something else to worship.

I started reading through the Bible and often find myself wondering at the Jews - they knew God! They saw the cloud and fire columns! They should have known better than to make a calf! They should have known better than to complain all the time...

But then, don't I do the same? I don't make calves, but I adore technology. I do not complain about manna from heaven, but I do complain about a lot of other things.

May God change my heart so I will worship Him alone. May my praise in this week be true. I pray the same for you.

Welcome to wherever you are

Driving home yesterday, I listened to my Bon Jovi CD. There is a song called, “Welcome to wherever you are” on the disc.

This is a part of the lyrics:

"Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now,
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are"

It has a catchy tune. Nice little song, but there has to be more than just that. I did not get here on my own.

God has brought me this far. Ebenhaezer. God brought us this far and He will see us through.

In the Bible we read about a stone which Samuel used as beacon between Mispa and Sen, in remembrance of the defeat they had over the Philistines.

He called it Ebenhaezer (which can be translated as "the Lord has helped us this far" or “the Lord has helped us up to here”) (1 Samuel 7:12).

It will be hard to find a stone to erect in Johannesburg and probably harder to keep it there. Today I want to post this as a rememberance that God is good and helped me this far. So… welcome to wherever you are and remember that God helped you this far.

Lost and found

This is probably not my story to tell, but I love it!

Two months ago we had a meeting at Tom & Lollie's house. There were eight of us around the table. On that day their keys went missing.

This reminds me of the 'lost parables' in Luke. Jesus told us about a lady who had ten coins and lost one. She lit a lamp and searched every corner of her house. When she found it, she called her neighbours and friends and they had a party.

Jesus also told the parable of the lost sheep, posing the question: 'If a shepherd has one hundred sheep and one goes stray, will he not leave the ninety nine and go after the stray?' This is not the way we operate. I think we might have said something like: 'Win some, loose some...' The shepherd did not give up until he found that lost sheep.

Then there is the story of the prodigal son. He chose to leave - probably breaking his father's heart. He practically wished his father dead by asking for his inheritance. People probably gossiped. Yet, when he returned, having nothing left, his father welcomed him home and held a feast.

When Tom & Lollie's keys went missing, they searched every corner. All of us searched our bags and cars, looked in our homes and then made suggestions as to where they could still look. Now, after two months, they have finally found the keys!

It it Lent. It is the season we remember Jesus giving up heaven to come after us, to search for us and call us, to save us from our sins. It is the season we remember His sacrifice. It is the season I am reminded that He is faithful even when I am not. I am grateful that He does not give up on me and I am grateful for the reminder thereof in the keys that have been found.

Being Clay

There are two images in the Bible pertaining to clay that I love.

The one is where Paul writes that we are jars of clay (2 Cor 4:7). We are fragile and yet God chose us to carry His message of Good News around the world and through time. This is a mystery, there are so many ways that would have been more effective.

Once a clay pot is broken, it is beyond repair. In our community, Kleipot (Clay Pot), new members break a clay pot at the Sunday service and attempt to glue it together during the following Wednesday's prayer meeting. Our new members will glue their pot together tonight.

I remember our optimism when we set out to 'fix our pot'. This would be the first 'properly fixed' pot in the community (and history, for that matter ;-)). To start with, we only had one tube of Superglue. We had to go out to buy more. When we ran out of glue again, it was too late to go out and buy even more, so we used chewing gum.

It was good fun. You get to know the people around the table a lot better. It will always be a reminder of the miracle that God chose unadorned vessels like you and me to be the keepers of His message. We carry this message in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.

We read about the other image in Jeremiah 18. The LORD sends Jeremiah down to the potter's house with a promise to speak to hm there. When Jeremiah gets to the potter, he observed how the potter put a lump of clay on the wheel and turned it. When it did not look the way he planned, he started again.

God then draws the parallel - "I am the Potter and you are the clay". God plans, moulds, forms. God has the power to erase all I have ever been. Yet, this image should not be scary.

It also tells of a God who is full of mercy, shows grace and is prepared to start again.

Today - I am just the clay and God is the Potter. My friend, Tom, commented yesterday that he sometimes wishes that the shaping could be done easier. He suggested that it has to do with the pliability of our hearts. When our hearts are hard it might need the 'devastating experiences' to form it. When our hearts are soft the whisper of our Creator will do.

May God create a clean and pliable heart in me today. May He teach you and me His ways. May He remind us of the miracle of being clay in the Potter's hand as well as broken clay jars chosen to carry His message of hope.

Wrestling with God

Last night we reflected on Genesis 32 at our elders' meeting.

It struck me that God took the time to wrestle with Jacob. He struck Jacob on the hip and Jacob was crippled. Yet we read that Jacob won. After this encounter Jacob still asked the Lord who he was.

God revealed Himself to Jacob in an unlikely manner. He wrestled with him all night. He allows Jacob to 'win', but Jacob is scarred for life. This is hardly the merciful God I imagined as a child. He is God. He reigns the universe. He makes the rules. Yet, He shows an interest in and compassion toward us.

Robert J. Owens writes: "The God of the Bible is not like rice pudding: warm soft and mushy. Nor is He a divine indulgent grandparent who chuckles soothingly and pats you on the head and slips some money into your pocket. He is the sovereign Lord of all reality.

His is the dominion over all that can ever be. He is on no one’s leash. He establishes governments and overthrows them. He builds, and He tears down. There are times when God answers our prayers with a parting of the seas, with an almost miraculous easing of the way. But there are other times when He answers us with toughness and hard, hard challenges.

He is more concerned with what we are to become that what we want. We want help; He wants for us wholeness. We want prosperity; He wants for us maturity. We ask for success and fame; He wants for us the peach of integrity. We ask for pleasure; He wants for us joy. We want what we want; He wants for us all that we need to become persons fit for eternal life. And therefore it is a dangerous thing to ask for God. Because when He shows himself to you it will always be in a way destined to shape your life to Him.

For some of us, the shaping can only be done with devastating experiences."

May God open our eyes to see His involvement in our lives. May we see His care, His hand in our everyday battles and struggles in our lives. May we see Jesus today. May we remember that He is the Potter and we are the clay.

Lent

It is the season of Lent. When I joined Kleipot in 2006 the concept of Lent seemed foreign to me.

When I first mentioned my community celebrating Lent to my family they were almost shocked by the "strange" things I embraced until I reminded them of Lydenstyd in the church I grew up in. (I added some links on Lent, please look at it if you are not familiar with Lent)

Sure, we did not observe Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) or Palm Sunday, but there was a time of preparation before Easter. This year I could not attend our Ash Wednesday service (on 21 February), but I observed the day.

Traditionally the ashes for Ash Wednesday are prepared by burning the palms of the previous Palm Sunday. This year, two of our friends kept the palms at their house and when they moved house, the palms moved with. The palms were delivered to Tom & Lollie’s house in time for Ash Wednesday.

Crosses are marked with the ashes on the foreheads of believers and only removed after sunset. In the Bible, a sign on the forehead indicates ownership. A cross implies that Jesus is my Owner, I am His slave. Ashes are a Biblical sign of penance and mourning. The ashes also remind us of our mortality.

Ash Wednesday is also the first day of the Lent fast. Throughout the ages Christians abstained from something during Lent. Lent is forty days long (excluding Sundays because on Sundays we celebrate the resurrection of Christ). For forty days Christians around the world will abstain from various things. The purpose is to focus our attention on Jesus.

Some of my friends gave up coffee, chocolates, tea and TV. I chose to give up apples this year. Instead of having a cup of tea or coffee, watching a favorite program or having an apple, we are reminded of Jesus and His sacrifice. It is a bit of self-renunciation. A bit of focusing on the Kingdom of God… May Lent be a time of preparation for you too.

Pride and prejudice

I like doing things on my own. I like working on my own. I like my independence and I love being able to help.

Over the past couple of weeks I had to accept help. It is really tough. Jesus said it is better to give than to receive, but I think I twisted this to suit my pride and prejudice. It is good to help, but you should not be in a position where you want or need anything?

Accepting help means admitting that I cannot do things on my own. Praying for help means that I need to acccept it when God provides (through His Body). Two recent examples that might seem simple, but are HUGE to me...

• I scratched my (new) car and it is at the panel beaters now. Friends offered me their cars to drive. I have to get to work every day and therefore agreed to do it. Ironically their cars are much more expensive than mine. If they did not do this, I would have had to rent a car to get to work. God provided through His body.
• My missionary friends needed a place to sleep in Pretoria and another couple offered their house. If they did not do it, I would have set the missionary friends up in a guest house. God provided through His body.

I am humbled. It is blessed to receive. It is blessed when you can move away from your own pride and prejudice.

Seven invitations

I am part of the Kleipot (pronounced clay-pot) community in Johannesburg.

We embarked on a great journey which we would like to call the Seven Invitations. You can read more about this on our website (http://kleipotgemeente.typepad.com/kleipot_gemeente/2007/02/the_invitations.html). We decided to teach on this for the next seven months.

We kicked the curriculum off on Sunday, talking about the first invitation - making God Number One in our lives.

The first topic we discussed was the Kingdom of God.

What does it mean when I pray:

Our Father,

Who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily portion of bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Firstly, it is not an apocalyptic prayer. We are asking for God's kingdom to come on earth. We are asking for His will to be done. Now... here...

This would imply that I am a servant. Doulos, slave... it questions my allegiance. It challenges my habits. I might say that God is King, but does my life say that God is my King? It implies that I will live my life in such a way that God's laws apply here and now. That God's Kingdom will come in my life and the lives around me...

This Kingdom is amazing, because I am also the King's child. This is the Kingdom of love and grace.

To pray for God's Kingdom to come, probably means to ask God help me love Him with all my heart, all my soul and all my intellect and those around me as myself. These are God's laws.

Being a Christian in South Africa

Is being a Christian in South Africa any different from being a Christian elsewhere? I think it might be. I think Christians in South Africa face unique challenges and questions. Violent crime for one…

Over the past week crime was highlighted in every newspaper and every news bulletin, it seemed to be all people talk about. It seemed to be getting closer to home all the time. People seem to top each other's crime stories all the time.

My line manager said people should get out of the country as fast as they can. My brother (who lives in London) told me that, according to the BBC South Africa is officially the world's third most dangerous country to live in and our murder stats rival the deaths in Iraq on a daily basis.

What do I do as Christian? Do I have a role to play or should I just pack up and go? I don’t think so. What does God expect from me? Should I just turn a blind eye and ignore the violence? Should I sign some petitions? Join in the marches? I don’t think so.

The Bible instructs us to pray for the government. Paul writes to Timothy (1 Tim 22:1 & 2) “First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, 2 for kings and all who are in authority, so that we may lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity.”

If I pray for the government, I cannot criticize them. I need to find a way to make a positive contribution in South Africa. God planted me here. I am staying.

I will not repeat negative stories. I will not condemn the government. I will pray for the peace of South Africa.

In the old South Africa there used to be a bumper sticker that read “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” (2 Chronicles 7:14)

My challenge to you? Dare to trust God with me? Dare to pray for our government?

I choose to believe God. I hope you will too.