St Patrick's confession - the man behind the myth

I, Patrick, a sinner, a most simple countryman, the least of all the faithful and most contemptible to many, had for father the deacon Calpurnius, son of the late Potitus, a presbyter, of the settlement of Bannaven Taburniae; he had a small villa nearby where I was taken captive. I was at that time about sixteen years of age. I did not, indeed, know the true God; and I was taken into captivity in Ireland with many thousands of people, according to our deserts, for quite drawn away from God, we did not keep his precepts, nor were we obedient to our presbyters who used to remind us of our salvation. And the Lord brought down on us the fury of his being and scattered us among many nations, even to the ends of the earth, where I, in my smallness, am now to be found among foreigners.

And there the Lord opened my mind to an awareness of my unbelief, in order that, even so late, I might remember my transgressions and turn with all my heart to the Lord my God, who had regard for my insignificance and pitied my youth and ignorance. And he watched over me before I knew him, and before I learned sense or even distinguished between good and evil, and he protected me, and consoled me as a father would his son.

Therefore, indeed, I cannot keep silent, nor would it be proper, so many favours and graces has the Lord deigned to bestow on me in the land of my captivity. For after chastisement from God, and recognizing him, our way to repay him is to exalt him and confess his wonders before every nation under heaven:

For there is no other God, nor ever was before, nor shall be hereafter, but God the Father, unbegotten and without beginning, in whom all things began, whose are all things, as we have been taught; and his son Jesus Christ, who manifestly always existed with the Father, before the beginning of time in the spirit with the Father, indescribably begotten before all things, and all things visible and invisible were made by him. He was made man, conquered death and was received into Heaven, to the Father who gave him all power over every name in Heaven and on Earth and in Hell, so that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and God, in whom we believe. And we look to his imminent coming again, the judge of the living and the dead, who will render to each according to his deeds. And he poured out his Holy Spirit on us in abundance, the gift and pledge of immortality, which makes the believers and the obedient into sons of God and co-heirs of Christ who is revealed, and we worship one God in the Trinity of holy name.

He himself said through the prophet: "Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me [Psalm 50:15]." And again: "It is right to reveal and publish abroad the works of God."

I am imperfect in many things, nevertheless I want my brethren and kinsfolk to know my nature so that they may be able to perceive my soul's desire.

I am not ignorant of what is said of my Lord in the Psalm: "You destroy those who speak a lie [Psalm 5:6]." And again: "A lying mouth deals death to the soul." And likewise the Lord says in the Gospel: "On the day of judgment men shall render account for every idle word they utter [Matthew 12:36]."

So it is that I should mightily fear, with terror and trembling, this judgment on the day when no one shall be able to steal away or hide, but each and all shall render account for even our smallest sins before the judgment seat of Christ the Lord.

And therefore for some time I have thought of writing, but I have hesitated until now, for truly, I feared to expose myself to the criticism of men, because I have not studied like others, who have assimilated both Law and the Holy Scriptures equally and have never changed their idiom since their infancy, but instead were always learning it increasingly, to perfection, while my idiom and language have been translated into a foreign tongue. So it is easy to prove from a sample of my writing, my ability in rhetoric and the extent of my preparation and knowledge, for as it is said, "wisdom shall be recognized in speech, and in understanding, and in knowledge and in the learning of truth."

But why make excuses close to the truth, especially when now I am presuming to try to grasp in my old age what I did not gain in my youth because my sins prevented me from making what I had read my own? But who will believe me, even though I should say it again? A young man, almost a beardless boy, I was taken captive before I knew what I should desire and what I should shun. So, consequently, today I feel ashamed and I am mightily afraid to expose my ignorance, because, [I am not] eloquent, with a small vocabulary, I am unable to explain as the spirit is eager to do and as the soul and the mind indicate.

But had it been given to me as to others, in gratitude I should not have kept silent, and if it should appear that I put myself before others, with my ignorance and my slower speech, in truth, it is written: "The tongue of the stammerers shall speak rapidly and distinctly [Isaiah 32:4]." How much harder must we try to attain it, we of whom it is said: "You are an epistle of Christ in greeting to the ends of the earth... written on your hearts, not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God [2 Corinthians 3:3]." And again, the Spirit witnessed that the rustic life was created by the Most High.

I am, then, first of all, countrified, an exile, evidently unlearned, one who is not able to see into the future, but I know for certain, that before I was humbled I was like a stone lying in deep mire, and he that is mighty came and in his mercy raised me up and, indeed, lifted me high up and placed me on top of the wall. And from there I ought to shout out in gratitude to the Lord for his great favours in this world and for ever, that the mind of man cannot measure.

Therefore be amazed, you great and small who fear God, and you men of God, eloquent speakers, listen and contemplate. Who was it summoned me, a fool, from the midst of those who appear wise and learned in the law and powerful in rhetoric and in all things? Me, truly wretched in this world, he inspired before others that I could be-- if I would-- such a one who, with fear and reverence, and faithfully, without complaint, would come to the people to whom the love of Christ brought me and gave me in my lifetime, if I should be worthy, to serve them truly and with humility.

According, therefore, to the measure of one's faith in the Trinity, one should proceed without holding back from danger to make known the gift of God and everlasting consolation, to spread God's name everywhere with confidence and without fear, in order to leave behind, after my death, foundations for my brethren and sons whom I baptized in the Lord in so many thousands.

And I was not worthy, nor was I such that the Lord should grant his humble servant this, that after hardships and such great trials, after captivity, after many years, he should give me so much favour with these people, a thing which in the time of my youth I neither hoped for nor imagined.

But after I reached Hibernia I used to pasture the flock each day and I used to pray many times a day. More and more did the love of God, and my fear of him and faith increase, and my spirit was moved so that in a day [I said] from one up to a hundred prayers, and in the night a like number; besides I used to stay out in the forests and on the mountain and I would wake up before daylight to pray in the snow, in icy coldness, in rain, and I used to feel neither ill nor any slothfulness, because, as I now see, the Spirit was burning in me at that time.

And it was there of course that one night in my sleep I heard a voice saying to me: "You do well to fast: soon you will depart for your home country." And again, a very short time later, there was a voice prophesying: "Behold, your ship is ready." And it was not close by, but, as it happened, two hundred miles away, where I had never been nor knew any person. And shortly thereafter I turned about and fled from the man with whom I had been for six years, and I came, by the power of God who directed my route to advantage (and I was afraid of nothing), until I reached that ship.

And on the same day that I arrived, the ship was setting out from the place, and I said that I had not the wherewithal to sail with them; and the steersman was displeased and replied in anger, sharply: "By no means attempt to go with us." Hearing this I left them to go to the hut where I was staying, and on the way I began to pray, and before the prayer was finished I heard one of them shouting loudly after me: "Come quickly because the men are calling you." And immediately I went back to them and they started to say to me: "Come, because we are admitting you out of good faith; make friendship with us in any way you wish." (And so, on that day, I refused to suck the breasts of these men from fear of God, but nevertheless I had hopes that they would come to faith in Jesus Christ, because they were barbarians.) And for this I continued with them, and forthwith we put to sea.

And after three days we reached land, and for twenty-eight days journeyed through uninhabited country, and the food ran out and hunger overtook them; and one day the steersman began saying: "Why is it, Christian? You say your God is great and all-powerful; then why can you not pray for us? For we may perish of hunger; it is unlikely indeed that we shall ever see another human being." In fact, I said to them, confidently: "Be converted by faith with all your heart to my Lord God, because nothing is impossible for him, so that today he will send food for you on your road, until you be sated, because everywhere he abounds." And with God's help this came to pass; and behold, a herd of swine appeared on the road before our eyes, and they slew many of them, and remained there for two nights, and they were full of their meat and well restored, for many of them had fainted and would otherwise have been left half dead by the wayside. And after this they gave the utmost thanks to God, and I was esteemed in their eyes, and from that day they had food abundantly. They discovered wild honey, besides, and they offered a share to me, and one of them said: "It is a sacrifice." Thanks be to God, I tasted none of it.

The very same night while I was sleeping Satan attacked me violently, as I will remember as long as I shall be in this body; and there fell on top of me as it were, a huge rock, and not one of my members had any force. But from whence did it come to me, ignorant in the spirit, to call upon Elijah? And meanwhile I saw the sun rising in the sky, and while I was crying out "Elijah, Elijah" with all my might, lo, the brilliance of that sun fell upon me and immediately shook me free of all the weight; and I believe that I was aided by Christ my Lord, and that his Spirit then was crying out for me, and I hope that it will be so in the day of my affliction, just as it says in the Gospel: "In that hour", the Lord declares, "it is not you who speaks but the Spirit of your Father speaking in you [Matthew 10:20]."

And a second time, after many years, I was taken captive. On the first night I accordingly remained with my captors, but I heard a divine prophecy, saying to me: "You shall be with them for two months." So it happened. On the sixtieth night the Lord delivered me from their hands.

On the journey he provided us with food and fire and dry weather every day, until on the tenth day we came upon people. As I mentioned above, we had journeyed through an unpopulated country for twenty-eight days, and in fact the night that we came upon people we had no food.

And after a few years I was again in Britain with my parents, and they welcomed me as a son, and asked me, in faith, that after the great tribulations I had endured I should not go any where else away from them. And, of course, there, in a vision of the night, I saw a man whose name was Victoricus coming as if from Hibernia with innumerable letters, and he gave me one of them, and I read the beginning of the letter: "The Voice of the Hibernians", and as I was reading the beginning of the letter I seemed at that moment to hear the voice of those who were beside the forest of Foclut which is near the western sea, and they were crying as if with one voice: "We beg you, holy youth, that you shall come and shall walk again among us." And I was stung intensely in my heart so that I could read no more, and thus I awoke. Thanks be to God, because after so many years the Lord bestowed on them according to their cry.

And another night-- God knows, I do not, whether within me or beside me-- most words which I heard and could not understand, except at the end of the speech it was represented thus: "He who gave his life for you, he it is who speaks within you." And thus I awoke, joyful.

And on a second occasion I saw Him praying within me, and I was as it were, inside my own body , and I heard Him above me-- that is, above my inner self. He was praying powerfully with sighs. And in the course of this I was astonished and wondering, and I pondered who it could be who was praying within me. But at the end of the prayer it was revealed to me that it was the Spirit. And so I awoke and remembered the Apostle's words: "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we know not how to pray as we ought. But the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for utterance [Romans 8:26]." And again: "The Lord our advocate intercedes for us [Romans 8:27]."

And then I was attacked by a goodly number of my elders, who [mentioned] my sins against my arduous episcopate. That day in particular I was mightily upset, and might have fallen here and for ever; but the Lord generously spared me, a convert, and an alien, for his name's sake, and he came powerfully to my assistance in that state of being trampled down. I pray God that it shall not be held against them as a sin that I fell truly into disgrace and scandal.

They brought up against me after thirty years an occurrence I had confessed before becoming a deacon. On account of the anxiety in my sorrowful mind, I laid before my close friend what I had perpetrated on a day-- nay, rather in one hour-- in my boyhood because I was not yet proof against sin. God knows-- I do not-- whether I was fifteen years old at the time, and I did not then believe in the living God, nor had I believed, since my infancy; but I remained in death and unbelief until I was severely rebuked, and in truth I was humbled every day by hunger and nakedness.

On the other hand, I did not proceed to Hibernia of my own accord until I was almost giving up, but through this I was corrected by the Lord, and he prepared me so that today I should be what was once far from me, in order that I should have the care of-- or rather, I should be concerned for-- the salvation of others, when at that time, still, I was only concerned for myself.

Therefore, on that day when I was rebuked, as I have just mentioned, I saw in a vision of the night a document before my face, without honour, and meanwhile I heard a divine prophecy, saying to me: "We have seen with displeasure the face of the chosen one divested of name." And he did not say "You have seen with displeasure", but "We have seen with displeasure" (as if He included Himself) . He said then: "He who touches you, touches the apple of my eye."

For that reason, I give thanks to him who strengthened me in all things, so that I should not be hindered in my setting out and also in my work which I was taught by Christ my Lord; but more, from that state of affairs I felt, within me, no little courage, and vindicated my faith before God and man.

Hence, therefore, I say boldly that my conscience is clear now and hereafter. God is my witness that I have not lied in these words to you.

But rather, I am grieved for my very close friend, that because of him we deserved to hear such a prophecy. The one to whom I entrusted my soul! And I found out from a goodly number of brethren, before the case was made in my defense (in which I did not take part, nor was I in Britain, nor was it pleaded by me), that in my absence he would fight in my behalf. Besides, he told me himself: "See, the rank of bishop goes to you"-- of which I was not worthy. But how did it come to him, shortly afterwards, to disgrace me publicly, in the presence of all, good and bad, because previously, gladly and of his own free will, he pardoned me, as did the Lord, who is greater than all?

I have said enough. But all the same, I ought not to conceal God's gift which he lavished on us in the land of my captivity, for then I sought him resolutely, and I found him there, and he preserved me from all evils (as I believe) through the in-dwelling of his Spirit, which works in me to this day. Again, boldly, but God knows, if this had been made known to me by man, I might, perhaps, have kept silent for the love of Christ.

Thus I give untiring thanks to God who kept me faithful in the day of my temptation, so that today I may confidently offer my soul as a living sacrifice for Christ my Lord; who am I, Lord? or, rather, what is my calling? that you appeared to me in so great a divine quality, so that today among the barbarians I might constantly exalt and magnify your name in whatever place I should be, and not only in good fortune, but even in affliction? So that whatever befalls me, be it good or bad, I should accept it equally, and give thanks always to God who revealed to me that I might trust in him, implicitly and forever, and who will encourage me so that, ignorant, and in the last days, I may dare to undertake so devout and so wonderful a work; so that I might imitate one of those whom, once, long ago, the Lord already pre-ordained to be heralds of his Gospel to witness to all peoples to the ends of the earth. So are we seeing, and so it is fulfilled; behold, we are witnesses because the Gospel has been preached as far as the places beyond which no man lives.

But it is tedious to describe in detail all my labours one by one. I will tell briefly how our most holy God frequently delivered me, from slavery, and from the twelve trials with which my soul was threatened, from man traps as well, and from things I am not able to put into words. I would not cause offense to readers, but I have God as witness who knew all things even before they happened, that, though I was a poor ignorant waif, still he gave me abundant warnings through divine prophecy.

Whence came to me this wisdom which was not my own, I who neither knew the number of days nor had knowledge of God? Whence came the so great and so healthful gift of knowing or rather loving God, though I should lose homeland and family.

And many gifts were offered to me with weeping and tears, and I offended them, and also went against the wishes of a good number of my elders; but guided by God, I neither agreed with them nor deferred to them, not by my own grace but by God who is victorious in me and withstands them all, so that I might come to the Irish people to preach the Gospel and endure insults from unbelievers; that I might hear scandal of my travels, and endure many persecutions to the extent of prison; and so that I might give up my free birthright for the advantage of others, and if I should be worthy, I am ready [to relinquish] even my life without hesitation; and most willingly for His name. And I choose to devote it to him even unto death, if God grant it to me.

I am greatly God's debtor, because he granted me so much grace, that through me many people would be reborn in God, and soon after confirmed, and that clergy would be ordained everywhere for them, the masses lately come to belief, whom the Lord drew from the ends of the earth, just as he once promised through his prophets: "To you shall the nations come from the ends of the earth, and shall say, Our fathers have inherited naught but lies, worthless things in which there is no profit [Jeremiah 16:19]." And again: "I have set you to be a light for the Gentiles that you may bring salvation to the uttermost ends of the earth [Acts 13:47]."And I wish to wait then for his promise which is never unfulfilled, just as it is promised in the Gospel: "Many shall come from east and west and shall sit at table with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob [Matthew 8:11]." Just as we believe that believers will come from all the world.


So for that reason one should, in fact, fish well and diligently, just as the Lord foretells and teaches, saying, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men [Matthew 4:19]," and again through the prophets: "Behold, I am sending forth many fishers and hunters, says the Lord [Jeremiah 16:16]," et cetera. So it behooved us to spread our nets, that a vast multitude and throng might be caught for God, and so there might be clergy everywhere who baptized and exhorted a needy and desirous people. Just as the Lord says in the Gospel, admonishing and instructing: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always to the end of time [Matthew 28:19]." And again he says: "Go forth into the world and preach the Gospel to all creation. He who believes and is baptized shall be saved; but he who does not believe shall be condemned [Mark 16:15]." And again: "This Gospel of the Kingdom shall be preached throughout the whole world as a witness to all nations; and then the end of the world shall come [Matthew 24:14]." And likewise the Lord foretells through the prophet: "And it shall come to pass in the last days (sayeth the Lord) that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions and your old men shall dream dreams; yea, and on my menservants and my maidservants in those days I will pour out my Spirit and they shall prophesy [Joel 2:28]." And in Hosea he says: "Those who are not my people I will call my people, and those not beloved I will call my beloved, and in the very place where it was said to them, You are not my people, they will be called Sons of the living God [Hosea 1:10]."

So, how is it that in Hibernia, where they never had any knowledge of God but, always, until now, cherished idols and unclean things, they are lately become a people of the Lord, and are called children of God; the sons of the Irish and the daughters of the chieftains are to be seen as monks and virgins of Christ.And there was, besides, a most beautiful, blessed, native-born noble Irish woman of adult age whom I baptized; and a few days later she had reason to come to us to intimate that she had received a prophecy from a divine messenger [who] advised her that she should become a virgin of Christ and she would draw nearer to God. Thanks be to God, six days from then, opportunely and most eagerly, she took the course that all virgins of God take, not with their fathers' consent but enduring the persecutions and deceitful hindrances of their parents. Notwithstanding that, their number increases, (we do not know the number of them that are so reborn) besides the widows, and those who practice self-denial. Those who are kept in slavery suffer the most. They endure terrors and constant threats, but the Lord has given grace to many of his handmaidens, for even though they are forbidden to do so, still they resolutely follow his example.

So it is that even if I should wish to separate from them in order to go to Britain, and most willingly was I prepared to go to my homeland and kinsfolk-- and not only there, but as far as Gaul to visit the brethren there, so that I might see the faces of the holy ones of my Lord, God knows how strongly I desired this-- I am bound by the Spirit, who witnessed to me that if I did so he would mark me out as guilty, and I fear to waste the labour that I began, and not I, but Christ the Lord, who commanded me to come to be with them for the rest of my life, if the Lord shall will it and shield me from every evil, so that I may not sin before him.

So I hope that I did as I ought, but I do not trust myself as long as I am in this mortal body, for he is strong who strives daily to turn me away from the faith and true holiness to which I aspire until the end of my life for Christ my Lord, but the hostile flesh is always dragging one down to death, that is, to unlawful attractions. And I know in part why I did not lead a perfect life like other believers, but I confess to my Lord and do not blush in his sight, because I am not lying; from the time when I came to know him in my youth, the love of God and fear of him increased in me, and right up until now, by God's favour, I have kept the faith.What is more, let anyone laugh and taunt if he so wishes. I am not keeping silent, nor am I hiding the signs and wonders that were shown to me by the Lord many years before they happened, who knew everything, even before the beginning of time.

Thus, I should give thanks unceasingly to God, who frequently forgave my folly and my negligence, in more than one instance so as not to be violently angry with me, who am placed as his helper, and I did not easily assent to what had been revealed to me, as the Spirit was urging; and the Lord took pity on me thousands upon thousands of times, because he saw within me that I was prepared, but that I was ignorant of what to do in view of my situation; because many were trying to prevent this mission. They were talking among themselves behind my back, and saying: "Why is this fellow throwing himself into danger among enemies who know not God?" Not from malice, but having no liking for it; likewise, as I myself can testify, they perceived my rusticity. And I was not quick to recognize the grace that was then in me; I now know that I should have done so earlier.Now I have put it frankly to my brethren and co-workers, who have believed me because of what I have foretold and still foretell to strengthen and reinforce your faith. I wish only that you, too, would make greater and better efforts. This will be my pride, for "a wise son makes a proud father [Proverbs 10:1; 15:20]."


You know, as God does, how I went about among you from my youth in the faith of truth and in sincerity of heart. As well as to the heathen among whom I live, I have shown them trust and always show them trust. God knows I did not cheat any one of them, nor consider it, for the sake of God and his Church, lest I arouse them and [cause] persecution for them and for all of us, and lest the Lord's name be blasphemed because of me, for it is written: "Woe to the men through whom the name of the Lord is blasphemed."For even though I am ignorant in all things, nevertheless I attempted to safeguard some and myself also. And I gave back again to my Christian brethren and the virgins of Christ and the holy women the small unasked for gifts that they used to give me or some of their ornaments which they used to throw on the altar. And they would be offended with me because I did this. But in the hope of eternity, I safeguarded myself carefully in all things, so that they might not cheat me of my office of service on any pretext of dishonesty, and so that I should not in the smallest way provide any occasion for defamation or disparagement on the part of unbelievers.What is more, when I baptized so many thousands of people, did I hope for even half a jot from any of them? Tell me, and I will give it back to you. And when the Lord ordained clergy everywhere by my humble means, and I freely conferred office on them, if I asked any of them anywhere even for the price of one shoe, say so to my face and I will give it back.More, I spent for you so that they would receive me. And I went about among you, and everywhere for your sake, in danger, and as far as the outermost regions beyond which no one lived, and where no one had ever penetrated before, to baptize or to ordain clergy or to confirm people. Conscientiously and gladly I did all this work by God's gift for your salvation.

From time to time I gave rewards to the kings, as well as making payments to their sons who travel with me; notwithstanding which, they seized me with my companions, and that day most avidly desired to kill me. But my time had not yet come. They plundered everything they found on us anyway, and fettered me in irons; and on the fourteenth day the Lord freed me from their power, and whatever they had of ours was given back to us for the sake of God on account of the indispensable friends whom we had made before.Also you know from experience how much I was paying to those who were administering justice in all the regions, which I visited often. I estimate truly that I distributed to them not less than the price of fifteen men, in order that you should enjoy my company and I enjoy yours, always, in God. I do not regret this nor do I regard it as enough. I am paying out still and I shall pay out more. The Lord has the power to grant me that I may soon spend my own self, for your souls.Behold, I call on God as my witness upon my soul that I am not lying; nor would I write to you for it to be an occasion for flattery or selfishness, nor hoping for honour from any one of you. Sufficient is the honour which is not yet seen, but in which the heart has confidence. He who made the promise is faithful; he never lies.But I see that even here and now, I have been exalted beyond measure by the Lord, and I was not worthy that he should grant me this, while I know most certainly that poverty and failure suit me better than wealth and delight (but Christ the Lord was poor for our sakes; I certainly am wretched and unfortunate; even if I wanted wealth I have no resources, nor is it my own estimation of myself, for daily I expect to be murdered or betrayed or reduced to slavery if the occasion arises. But I fear nothing, because of the promises of Heaven; for I have cast myself into the hands of Almighty God, who reigns everywhere. As the prophet says: "Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you [Psalm 55:22]."Behold now I commend my soul to God who is most faithful and for whom I perform my mission in obscurity, but he is no respecter of persons and he chose me for this service that I might be one of the least of his ministers.

For which reason I should make return for all that he returns me. But what should I say, or what should I promise to my Lord, for I, alone, can do nothing unless he himself vouchsafe it to me. But let him search my heart and nature, for I crave enough for it, even too much, and I am ready for him to grant me that I drink of his chalice, as he has granted to others who love him.

Therefore may it never befall me to be separated by my God from his people whom he has won in this most remote land. I pray God that he gives me perseverance, and that he will deign that I should be a faithful witness for his sake right up to the time of my passing.

And if at any time I managed anything of good for the sake of my God whom I love, I beg of him that he grant it to me to shed my blood for his name with proselytes and captives, even should I be left unburied, or even were my wretched body to be torn limb from limb by dogs or savage beasts, or were it to be devoured by the birds of the air, I think, most surely, were this to have happened to me, I had saved both my soul and my body. For beyond any doubt on that day we shall rise again in the brightness of the sun, that is, in the glory of Christ Jesus our Redeemer, as children of the living God and co-heirs of Christ, made in his image; for we shall reign through him and for him and in him.

For the sun we see rises each day for us at [his] command, but it will never reign, neither will its splendor last, but all who worship it will come wretchedly to punishment. We, on the other hand, shall not die, who believe in and worship the true sun, Christ, who will never die, no more shall he die who has done Christ's will, but will abide for ever just as Christ abides for ever, who reigns with God the Father Almighty and with the Holy Spirit before the beginning of time and now and for ever and ever. Amen.

Behold over and over again I would briefly set out the words of my confession. I testify in truthfulness and gladness of heart before God and his holy angels that I never had any reason, except the Gospel and his promises, ever to have returned to that nation from which I had previously escaped with difficulty.

But I entreat those who believe in and fear God, whoever deigns to examine or receive this document composed by the obviously unlearned sinner Patrick in Hibernia, that nobody shall ever ascribe to my ignorance any trivial thing that I achieved or may have expounded that was pleasing to God, but accept and truly believe that it would have been the gift of God.

And this is my confession before I die.

St Patrick's letter to Coroticus

Letter To Coroticus

I, Patrick, a sinner, unlearned, resident in Ireland, declare myself to be a bishop. Most assuredly I believe that what I am I have received from God. And so I live among barbarians, a stranger and exile for the love of God. He is witness that this is so. Not that I wished my mouth to utter anything so hard and harsh; but I am forced by the zeal for God; and the truth of Christ has wrung it from me, out of love for my neighbors and sons for whom I gave up my country and parents and my life to the point of death. If I be worthy, I live for my God to teach the heathen, even though some may despise me.

With my own hand I have written and composed these words, to be given, delivered, and sent to the soldiers of Coroticus; I do not say, to my fellow citizens, or to fellow citizens of the holy Romans, but to fellow citizens of the demons, because of their evil works. Like our enemies, they live in death, allies of the Scots and the apostate Picts. Dripping with blood, they welter in the blood of innocent Christians, whom I have begotten into the number for God and confirmed in Christ!

The day after the newly baptized, anointed with chrism, in white garments (had been slain) — the fragrance was still on their foreheads when they were butchered and slaughtered with the sword by the above-mentioned people — I sent a letter with a holy presbyter whom I had taught from his childhood, clerics accompanying him, asking them to let us have some of the booty, and of the baptized they had made captives. They only jeered at them . Hence I do not know what to lament more: those who have been slain, or those whom they have taken captive, or those whom the devil has mightily ensnared. Together with him they will be slaves in Hell in an eternal punishment; for who commits sin is a slave and will be called a son of the devil.

Wherefore let every God-fearing man know that they are enemies of me and of Christ my God, for whom I am an ambassador. Parricide! fratricide! ravening wolves that "eat the people of the Lord as they eat bread!" As is said, "the wicked, O Lord, have destroyed Thy law," which but recently He had excellently and kindly planted in Ireland, and which had established itself by the grace of God.

I make no false claim. I share in the work of those whom He called and predestinated to preach the Gospel amidst grave persecutions unto the end of the earth, even if the enemy shows his jealousy through the tyranny of Coroticus, a man who has no respect for God nor for His priests whom He chose, giving them the highest, divine, and sublime power, that whom "they should bind upon earth should be bound also in Heaven."

Wherefore, then, I plead with you earnestly, ye holy and humble of heart, it is not permissible to court the favor of such people, nor to take food or drink with them, nor even to accept their alms, until they make reparation to God in hardships, through penance, with shedding of tears, and set free the baptized servants of God and handmaids of Christ, for whom He died and was crucified.

"The Most High disapproves the gifts of the wicked ...He that offers sacrifice of the goods of the poor, is as one that sacrifices the son in the presence of his lather. The riches, it is written, which he has gathered unjustly, shall be vomited up from his belly; the angel of death drags him away, by the fury of dragons he shall be tormented, the viper's tongue shall kill him, unquenchable fire devours him." And so — "woe to those who fill themselves with what is not their own;" or, "What does it profit a man that he gains the whole world, and suffers the loss of his own soul?

It would be too tedious to discuss and set forth everything in detail, to gather from the whole Law testimonies against such greed. Avarice is a deadly sin. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's s goods." "Thou shalt not kill." A murderer cannot be with Christ. "Whosoever hates his brother is accounted a murderer." Or, "he that loves not his brother abides in death." How much more guilty is he that has stained his hands with blood of the sons of God whom He has of late purchased in the utmost part of the earth through the call of our littleness!

Did I come to Ireland without God, or according to the flesh? Who compelled me? I am bound by the Spirit not to see any of my kinsfolk. Is it of my own doing that I have holy mercy on the people who once took me captive and made away with the servants and maids of my father's house? I was freeborn according to the flesh. I am the son of a decurion. But I sold my noble rank I am neither ashamed nor sorry for the good of others. Thus I am a servant in Christ to a foreign nation for the unspeakable glory of life everlasting which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And if my own people do not know me, a prophet has no honor in his own country .Perhaps we are not of the same fold and have not one and the same God as father, as is written: "He that is not with me, is against me, and he that gathers not with me, scatters." It is not right that one destroys, another builds up. I seek not the things that are mine.

It is not my grace, but God who has given this solicitude into my heart, to be one of His hunters or fishers whom God once foretold would come in the last days.

I am hated. What shall I do, Lord? I am most despised. Look, Thy sheep around me are tom to pieces and driven away, and that by those robbers, by the orders of the hostile-minded Coroticus. Far from the love of God is a man who hands over Christians to the Picts and Scots. Ravening wolves have devoured the flock of the Lord, which in Ireland was indeed growing splendidly with the greatest care; and the sons and daughters of kings were monks and virgins of Christ — I cannot count their number. Wherefore, be not pleased with the wrong done to the just; even to hell it shall not please. Who of the saints would not shudder to be merry with such persons or to enjoy a meal with them? They have filled their houses with the spoils of dead Christians, they live on plunder. They do not know, the wretches, that what they offer their friends and sons as food is deadly poison, just as Eve did not understand that it was death she gave to her husband. So are all that do evil: they work death as their eternal punishment.

This is the custom of the Roman Christians of Gaul: they send holy and able men to the Franks and other heathen with so many thousand solidi to ransom baptized captives. You prefer to kill and sell them to a foreign nation that has no knowledge of God. You betray the members of Christ as it were into a brothel. What hope have you in God, or anyone who thinks as you do, or converses with you in words of flattery? God will judge. For Scripture says: "Not only them that do evil are worthy to be condemned, but they also that consent to them."

I do not know why I should say or speak further about the departed ones of the sons of God, whom the sword has touched all too harshly. For Scripture says: "Weep with them that weep;" and again: "If one member be grieved, let all members grieve with it." Hence the Church mourns and laments her sons and daughters whom the sword has not yet slain, but who were removed and carried off to faraway lands, where sin abounds openly, grossly, impudently. There people who were freeborn have, been sold, Christians made slaves, and that, too, in the service of the abominable, wicked, and apostate Picts!

Therefore I shall raise my voice in sadness and grief — O you fair and beloved brethren and sons whom I have begotten in Christ, countless of number, what can I do you for? I am not worthy to come to the help of God or men. The wickedness of the wicked hath prevailed over us. We have been made, as it were, strangers. Perhaps they do not believe that we have received one and the same baptism, or have one and the same God as Father. For them it is a disgrace that we are Irish. Have ye not, as is written, one God? Have ye, every one of you, forsaken his neighbor?

Therefore I grieve for you, I grieve, my dearly beloved. But again, I rejoice within myself. I have not labored for nothing, and my journeying abroad has not been in vain. And if this horrible, unspeakable crime did happen — thanks be to God, you have left the world and have gone to Paradise as baptized faithful. I see you: you have begun to journey where night shall be no more, nor mourning, nor death; but you shall leap like calves loosened from their bonds, and you shall tread down the wicked, and they shall be ashes under your feet.

You then, will reign with the apostles, and prophets, and martyrs. You will take possession of an eternal kingdom, as He Himself testifies, saying: "They shall come from the east and from the west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven." "Without are dogs, and sorcerers,... and murderers; and liars and perjurers have their portion in the pool of everlasting fire." Not without reason does the Apostle say: "Where the just man shall scarcely be saved, where shall the sinner and ungodly transgressor of the law find himself?"

Where, then, will Coroticus with his criminals, rebels against Christ, where will they see themselves, they who distribute baptized women as prizes — for a miserable temporal kingdom, which will pass away in a moment? As a cloud or smoke that is dispersed by the wind, so shall the deceitful wicked perish at the presence of the Lord; but the just shall feast with great constancy with Christ, they shall judge nations, and rule over wicked kings for ever and ever. Amen.

I testify before God and His angels that it will be so as He indicated to my ignorance. It is not my words that I have set forth in Latin, but those of God and the apostles and prophets, who have never lied. "He that believes shall be saved; but he that believes not shall be condemned," God hath spoken.

I ask earnestly that whoever is a willing servant of God be a carrier of this letter, so that on no account it be suppressed or hidden by anyone, but rather be read before all the people, and in the presence of Coroticus himself. May God inspire them sometime to recover their senses for God, repenting, however late, their heinous deeds — murderers of the brethren of the Lord! — and to set free the baptized women whom they took captive, in order that they may deserve to live to God, and be made whole, here and in eternity!

Be peace to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

To fall asleep...

Falling asleep is sweet and peaceful. The noises around you become muffled and eventually disappear. Al that remains is blissful rest.

One of my darkest thoughts (dreams?) is to just fall asleep and never have to wake up again.

Lord, I am tired.
My heart is broken.
My body is broken.
My mind is broken.

I long for you and your rest. Will you comfort me?
I am broken and do not even know where all the pieces are, will you mend me?
Will you give me the guts to live through this day?

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Broken

Lord, I am broken.
My body is broken.
My Spirit is broken.

Lord, if you do not intervene,
I do not know if I will see the end of the day.

Let your Light shine on me?
Let your Love break through this darkness and comfort me?
In Jesus' Name.

My people blanket

It is winter in South Africa and it might therefore be easier for me to imagine... the people around me form a patchwork-blanket. In this blanket each person retains his or her individuality and bring more colour and texture to the party.

This blanket is my comfort. It protects me from the cold of the world and my missing marbles.

When someone departs, it leaves a gaping hole and I feel exposed. When, on top of that two of the other pieces are battling with serious disease, my world feels a little shaky.

A dear friend who suffers from bipolar disorder, started ECT this morning. I went from being supportive when I spoke to his wife, to really shaken in just a few minutes. I am sad for them. Closer to home is the fact that I am able to hope that I can manage depression by looking at their journey.

The side effects that moved him to this radical decision are the same ones I experience. It freaks me out. On a more personal note, I battle to understand how a loving God allows a disease like bipolar disorder or depression, knowing what it does to us...people who are really trying to follow Him.

To some extent, it would have been easier to just cast out a devil or rebuke satan than trying to make sense of this relationship with God. Sometimes it does feel like He is failing me. And then... in the bigger scheme of things, one life might not be all that relevant and important.

For now, wipe the tears. Chin up. The show must go on.

God's people

Whilst studying, I was privileged to attend the same fellowship as the rector of the seminarium. Prof Jan became a mentor and friend. He used to say: "God se mense is mooi mense", which can be loosely translated as "God's people are beautiful". Just that. No further qualifications. I used to think about this a lot in those days, the whole idea of ministry was beautiful and rosy and I was super-idealistic. And then I forgot that.

The second thing Prof Jan told us regularly was that you have to be sure that your hands are clean before touching the spirits of God's people. I have lost sight of this too.

Today, more than ever, I am convinced that God's people are beautiful and I am conscious of the fact that my hands need to be clean before I dare guide, mold or build them.

I also know that I can't believe that God's people are beautiful, if He does not love through me. My hands can only be clean when I am in right standing with Him. Any attempts to clean it myself, will just lead to an even bigger mess. Having said all of this, I am still a broken and scarred claypot and I am still unable to begin to comprehend how God can use this broken vessel.

God believes in you

In 'God has a dream', Desmond Tutu relays the story of a Russian priest and an atheist. The atheist rambled off a list of reasons for his beliefs and concluded, 'Therefore, I do not believe in God.' The priest's response was simple, but very powerful, 'That is OK, because God believes in you. He relies on you...' Tutu then proceeds to tell how we are God's partners.

I have been thinking about this all day. If I chose my team, I would firstly be sure to pick the cream of the crop -nobody with any defects. I would then make sure that I have at least one flawless back-up plan. Thirdly, I would be involved in strategy, every step of the way.

Yet, God chose us as His partners. He relies on us. God chose me. He relies on me. I am His partner.

Tonight, I am humbled that He chose me, a shard in a broken Claypot... to carry His message... to be His partner... to give something to eat to the hungry... a glass of water to the thirsty... a jacket to someone trying to survive our winter...

God loves us. God loves you. God loves me. And we ARE His plan in this world. Nelson Mandela said we need to be the change we wish to see in this world. Ironically, I think it was God's plan. We need to be the agents of God's change in our world.

How do we do it? I think one relationship at a time. I do not have many answers. The more I read and think, the more questions I have. The one thing I do know is that we are it. There is no back-up plan.

God has a dream

I am white in a post-Apartheid South Africa. I am often overwhelmed with guilt because of that. Even though Nelson Mandela became our president in the first election I voted in and I never voted for an apartheid-government, I benefited from being white.

We had the best beaches. We had running water and electricity. My parents had better jobs as that were considered 'schooled' because they are white. I went to a university with good lecturers. I went to good (government) schools where we had stationary and books. My birth was registered. My parents' marriage was registered. My whole family have identity documents and passports. I could go anywhere - no restrictions applied.

More than what I had, is the fact that others did not have and still battle to get what we take for granted.

This morning, I started listening to "God has a dream" by Desmond Tutu (written and read by him)... and instead of condemnation I heard this old black man say: "God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..." Suddenly, he did not sound as dangerous as we were told when we were young. Suddenly, he sounded like an old and vulnerable messenger from God. "God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..."

I will probably write more posts about the book and this strange journey we are on. I believe that God has a dream. I believe that God wants His sun to shine over black and white. I want to want to (sic) love God and live His dream in our beautiful country. I look forward to the journey.

"God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..."

Our reading of the Gospel story can be and should be an act of personal communion with the living Lord - William Temple

E.T. et al

Remember E.T. and all the other 'space movies' from the 80's? I was always fascinated by the way the space ships touched down... the landing was always followed by a hissing sound when the doors opened. Then light streamed out and walking planks were let down. After a short pause, the aliens would emerge and the magic would begin.

Last week, my friends and I did the Gallup strengthfinder course. Really useful. One of my natural strengths (according to the test) is relating. If I understood the facilitator correctly, it is all about connecting.

One of my biggest frustrations with depression is that I simply stop connecting. In fact, if we can go back to E.T. for a moment, the walking planks pull back and the doors close and I am locked inside. No matter how hard I try, I seem to be unable to open those doors again. I battle to express myself. Every day is difficult, because I have to interact with people and I battle to understand what they are saying, nuanses become impossible to detect and jokes are over my head all the time. When I get home, I am exhausted and really just want to sleep.

I guess what I am saying is that I am still here. I am kind of locked in a spaceship, but I am trying to get out. I did not stop caring. I did not stop thinking. I am just kind of stuck. Yet, I still have hope, because Jesus' story did not stop on Friday.... Sunday must be coming in my life too.

You know better than I

This prayer comes from "Joseph: King of dreams", but it also says exactly where I am today:

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road,
But that road brought me here.
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up,
The truth is coming clear.

You know better than I ,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I...

If this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason,
But maybe knowing,
I don't know is part of getting through.
I tried to do what's best,
But faith has made it easy,
To see the best thing I can do,
Is to put my trust in You.

For, You know better than I,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I....

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let You reach me
Will You teach me?

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I ...

Wednesday

I am at wits' end.

I feel like something is choking me and even swallowing is hard. I do not understand God's thinking when it comes to healing and wellbeing. I do not understand how darkness can come and fill up my entire being.

Today my heart wants to break, because I am constantly two steps behind. I am tired and no amount of sleep seems to make a difference. I am taking my medicine, despite side effects. I am exercising. I am eating healthy stuff. I eliminated caffeine and alcohol two years ago... and yet, I am weepy for no rational reason.

I do not understand why God cannot take the darkness away. I want to love Him. I want to love people. I want to love my cat and my job. I want to be able to enjoy a good book again, yet I battle to follow simple instructions on an email. All I am feeling is coldness, darkness and loneliness. And then the really dark thought comes... what if I could just go to sleep and stay in that blissful state?

I love Ping. Try it... Ping.fm. It allows you to update your status to various pages by logging into a single site.

Darkness

Lord,

There is a cold and dark monster creeping through my veins.

No number of verses 'quoted back to the devil',
no number of tears,
no trying to 'sleep it off',
no amount of calories shed in gym
seem to get rid of it.

I am cold and dark.
It is alone in here.
Please protect me?
Be my Keeper.

In Jesus' Name.

Would be anniversary

Today would have been my parents' 35th wedding anniversary. No comment.

When I was a child

Last night I had to stop for milk on my way home. In the line (at the check out), there was a young dad trying to control his child. The child wanted a sweet and the dad did not want to buy it last night. The toddler was shouting and crying and then accused the dad of lying. Once I moved beyond my own fatigue after a long day and irritation with everything around me, I thought that conversation was a little interesting. Apparently the dad promised to buy a sweet last week and did so. Trying to reason with a toddler who was probably tired and hungry, seemed to be an impossible task.

Driving home, I thought about how often I do just the same in my relationship with God. I have quoted Him out of context, even in talking to Him. I have cried and begged. I have not listened or tried to understand reason.

One issue I am particularly hung up on, is healing. I cannot understand why some people get healed and others not. On Sunday, we talked about this in our community. I wish there was a formula we could follow to get a 'yes' from God.

On the other hand, I wish I could get to the place Paul was when he wrote to the Corinthians, saying 'when I was a child, I reasoned like a child'. Nobody I know wants to be branded as a 'naughty child'. Yet, I do not understand.

Today, I am right back at that all too familiar place, where I do not know the answers.

Work it out

Last Sunday a ‘distant colleague’ died in her sleep. Carolyn worked in a different department, but we shared the occasional lunch. In fact, we had lunch on Friday. She was 33, like me and her death came as a tremendous shock to me.

At the same time, it brought so many other issues to the surface. I come from a background where people would now be asking: “Where did she wake up?” They would probably turn this into an opportunity to evangelize the entire building. I am all for sharing the Good News. I am all for making a stand for Jesus. I love the idea that my job can be a tool in doing just this.

See, I think my job is a way to acknowledge that God is Number One and to make Him known as Number One. If God did not pave my way, I would not be in the position I am at the moment. Therefore the income generated by doing my job, also belongs to Him.

As Christians, a lot of eyes are watching our every move very closely and maybe even waiting for us to put a foot wrong. I am not suggesting that we are somehow immune or above making mistakes, but there are obvious guidelines.

A few of them could be:

• How do I go around with company property? Do I abuse phones? Internet? Stationary?
• Do I really give the company all the time I sell to them or do I waste time when I am supposed to work?
• Is my work of the highest quality at all times?
• How much time do I spend at work or working? Am I neglecting my family in favor of my job? If God is Number One, can I really work more than 60 hours a week? Is that fair to my family?
• Just what is the message I give to my colleagues and employer in doing that? Am I for sale? Will I be the donkey doing ‘whatever it takes’? Or… dare I take a stand in favour of God and relationships?
• How do I treat my superiors? Paul suggested we work as if for God Himself. Might not be a bad idea...
• How do I treat my peers? Do I love them like I love myself? Or am I involved in unnecessary office politics?
• How do I treat junior staff? The security guard? The cleaner? The graduate trainee? Do I consider them higher than myself and do I serve them or do I sit back and merely make
  demands?

Working is an essential part of our community and social structure. However, it is only a means to another end. Our lives do not revolve around working; our lives revolve around God, our Number One. It is all about Him.

Our jobs bring us in contact with people who might not have contact with the Body in any other way. We are missionaries in Johannesburg. A lot of cliché’s come to mind… we might be the only Bible they read? Let’s say that is true… what do they read in my life? And yours?

The challenge is to keep God Number One, all the time. How do we do that? Maybe talking to God about our jobs is a good start? Maybe talking to God about each others’ jobs could follow on that?

I have a lot of questions and not many answers. If Carolyn could come back one more week, I would probably not change much in our relationship. Maybe I would spend more time praying for my colleagues? Maybe I will do just that.

We had a few frauds recently. Instead of joining in the gossip and crucifying the offenders, I could pray for my colleagues.

May God help us to make Him Number One in our day to day living. May God be with us when we work. May He inspire us and give us fresh ideas. May He use us to touch the people around us. May He work in us, so we will bear fruit.

I would love to know what your thoughts are on this matter?

When the lights are dimming

Lord, my heart is weak, alone & afraid. It feels like the darkness is settling in again and it is difficult to see any solutions. My feet are heavy and my eyes full of tears. I am scared of what the day might hold.

Please help me, just today, to cope with life and its demands?

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Preaching

Yesterday I preached for the first time in years (apart from weddings and funerals) and I really enjoyed it. I forgot how much I enjoy working with the text and trying to figure out the concepts behind it.

I suppose it is a little like riding a bike and it will all come back to me eventually.

I thank God for my community and my friends. It is a privilege to be a part of a broken pot.

You can view my notes on Scribd.

Die Woord

I am prepping a sermon on John an am (obviously) reading a bunch of commentaries. I have just read something beautiful in a commentary by an Afrikaans theologian called Jan du Rand.

He describes the Word becoming flesh as "Die Woord het sy bene onder ons tafel ingeskuif ". It is probably best translated as "The Word joined us at the dinner table".

The Benefits of Brokenness - Why I sometimes wish I was an alcoholic (Philip Yancey)

Listening to the rhetoric this election season, one might assume that a new batch of politicians in Washington will solve the problems facing this country, not to mention the planet. Elect candidate X, and he or she will tackle global warming, solve the health-care crisis, eliminate poverty, right the economy, and unite a divided country.

For two problems, however, no politician dares offer a solution: death and evil. Endemic to the human condition, these two will haunt us all our days. Yet these are the very problems the gospel promises to solve—not through politics or science, but through a reclamation project begun at Golgotha.

Biblical scholars point to Romans 3 as the most compact expression of that Good News. Before revealing the cure to those two problems, Paul must detail the helplessness of humanity to find a solution apart from outside help. Like a physician, he has to impress on the patient the dire nature of the illness before presenting a cure.

I am struck by Paul's three categories of sinners in Romans 1 and 2. He begins by listing flagrant violators: depraved perverts, murderers, God-haters (though, curiously, he also mentions such "everyday" sins as greed, envy, gossip, and disobeying parents).

Just as his good-citizen readers nod knowingly, smug in their moral superiority to such miscreants, Paul turns the tables in chapter 2: "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things."

I may never have robbed a bank, but have I ever fudged on my income taxes? Or had rehab work done on my house without applying for a building permit? Or ignored a pressing need because of compassion fatigue? Paul follows Jesus' logic in the Sermon on the Mount: murder and adultery differ from hatred and lust only by a matter of degree. Indeed, the flagrantly evil person has a peculiar advantage of sorts: an inner gyroscope of conscience that registers a sense of being off course.

I once accepted a speaking engagement among Christians involved in Twelve Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. As I talked with the attendees and pondered what to say, I finally decided on the ironic title, "Why I Wish I Was an Alcoholic." It occurred to me that what recovering alcoholics confess every day—personal failure, and the daily need for grace and help from friends and a Higher Power—represent high hurdles for those of us who take pride in our independence and self-sufficiency.

Paul reserves his most scathing comments for a third category, self-righteous people, who in his day comprised the Jews who scrupulously observed the law. A Pharisee of the Pharisees, Paul knew the pattern well, as his pronouns attest. He refers to the wicked as "they" and the good-citizen types as "you." But when he discusses the self-righteous, Paul shifts to first person plural. "What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all!"

In his most self-righteous days, after all, Paul had persecuted Christians and assisted in the stoning of Stephen. He knew the danger that accompanies a feeling of moral superiority. Just as denial may keep a person from seeing a doctor about a lump or skin lesion, thus endangering life, denial of sin may lead to far worse consequences. Unless we accept the grim diagnosis, we will not seek a cure.

Paul's confessional description of self-righteousness reminded me of a quirky attempt by M. Scott Peck to identify a new psychiatric disorder called evil. In his book People of the Lie, Peck surveyed the types of evil and concluded, with Paul, that the most dangerous type is the most subtle. We all condemn bullies and child abusers—but what of controlling, manipulative parents who may have an equally devastating effect on their children? Peck came up with these surprising characteristics of evil: scapegoating behavior, intolerance to criticism, pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, and intellectual deviousness.

Paul concludes, "There is no one righteous, not even one." In perhaps the darkest passage in the entire Bible, he stitches together an anatomical description of deceitful tongues, morbid throats, poisonous lips, bitter mouths, violent feet, and arrogant eyes (3:10–18). All of which sets up the magnificent presentation of the gospel beginning with Romans 3:21, the explanation of justification by faith alone that ignited the Reformation.

God's grace, the only solution to death and evil, comes free of charge, apart from law, apart from any human efforts toward self-improvement. For a free gift, we need only hold out open, needy hands—the most difficult gesture of all for a self-righteously evil person.

Taking stock

This time of the year (and again around my birthday), I tend to take stock of my life.

I am greatful that I managed my depression fairly well this year. I managed to reduce some of the medicine and have less questions about the chemicals I take than a year ago. I don't really miss alcohol or caffeine and generally do not mind going to bed early or getting exercise.

Yet, I have to wonder what God thinks when He looks at my life. Am I bearing the fruit He wants to see?

Depression is a big barrier between me and God. If He did not give me depression, He at the very least allowed it. He knows what the chemicals do to my body and He knows what happens if I do not take it. It is a HUGE no man's land. I can't talk to God about it.

When our community talked about healing, we agreed that our reflex should be to pray and trust God for healing. We acknowledged that not all people get healed and we do not know why. We also agreed that we should respect the sick person. If they do not want to pray, we will not do so publicly.

It is easy to think of theories. It is realtively easy to formulate policy. Dealing with broken bodies is a different topic altogether. My friend, Tom's, mom had her fourth round of chemo. My friend, Schalk's, dad has constant backpain. There are lots of broken bodies around. I wish there were easy answers that worked all the time. I wish there was a formula or a fix.

It is the end of another year. I still have very little answers. I still don't really understand much. I was a terrible friend this year. Yet, I hope that something I did somewhere along the line brought a smile to God's face. I hope that next year, He will pull me even closer to Him and that He will smile on my friends and me.

Christmas

"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years. Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart." ~ George Adams

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is nostalgic. As a child, this was the day when we went to the farm and saw all our cousins again. It was HOT! on the farm, December temperatures are 40 degrees Celsius plus. There was no pool, no airconditioning, but none of it mattered. We made 'christmas beds', which meant we all slept on the floor in the lounge. If you consider stretchers to be beds, there were beds for all the grown-ups. We played and laughed.

On Christmas morning, we would all dress up in 'church clothes' and listen to the radio broadcasted Christmas service on the veranda. Nodding off and smiling were not permitted. Best behaviour only.

Today, I am grown up. I look around me and see people spending money they don't have on things they don't need and other don't really want. Cynical, I know.

My grandparents passed away, granny only this year and the last Christmas on the farm was 20 years ago. My parents are divorced. My mom is spending Christmas with my brother and sisters in London. My dad's girlfriend went on holiday with her family and he has been staying with me.

It could be a sad and dreary picture, if we don't turn our eyes tot the Reason for Christmas. Jesus, Emmanuel, leaving His Father's house to come and pitch a tent on earth, camping out with us. This remains the greatest miracle of all time.

So, this Christmas Eve, instead of sulking about bygones and getting lost in nostalgia, I am awestruck by a God who gave up everything to give the greatest gift of all. The King of Christmas came to sleep in a Christmas bed.

Jesus' spirituality

I would have hated to have Jesus on a church board. This week, I have been thinking about the woman caught in the act of adultery (Matthew 8). I saw "The Women" last week and the story deals with how women dealt with a husband's betrayal.

When the woman in Matthew was brought to Jesus, He carried on writing in the sand. When she was accused, Jesus suggested that the person with no sin cast the first stone. Being a sinner, I love this. I can feel this woman's relief at the grace shown. I have always read it and thought of 'how Jesus showed the bad guys (accusers)'.

However, this week I thought of the repercussions. What about her husband and the other man's wife? What about the kids? Would they be the laughingstock of their community? Would the children be a weapon in tug of war? What happened after Jesus left?

I often wish that the 'happily ever after' was recorded too. If Jesus was on a church board, I am afraid I would chicken out. What about fairness? What about the other parties involved? What happens where the tyre hits the road?

On a night like tonight I realise how little I really know and understand. May God have mercy on all of us.

Still here

I am still here. I do not have clever ideas or bright insights or revelations, but I am still here.

Things that made an impression on me over the past weeks? Lots! There is a very brave lady in our community fighting cancer and dealing with depression at the same time. I take my hat off to her. You have to love her.

My cat's 'commonlaw wife' was poisoned and it made me sad. On the same day I broke my foot and I suppose I could reflect on the use of a left foot ;-)

My friends, Walter & Rialene, had a boy! Amazing little guy. My friends, Tom & Lollie's, little boy started walking. He has this look of sheer determination on his little face after every fall and then he gets up and tries again. Amazing. Young Tayla & Nina were such little ladies today and the boys were boys. I adore the kids. I could reflect on them and what I learn from them for weeks on end.

Advent started today. I do not have a 'Christmas feeling', but I do have hope. Jesus came to earth and dwelled in a body just like mine. Squatting on earth, just like us. He understands my joys and frustrations. He has walked this road with human feet - just like mine. I hope in Him. He encompasses my being. He is the Reason I am here. I am still here, because He is too.

I long for you

Lord, I long for you.

Will you saturate my soul,

the way the rain is saturating the earth?

Will you renew my mind the way you are renewing the plants outside?

Lord, make me new?

Cause my life to grow and bear fruit like you do with the plants?

Cause me to blossom like the jacarandas in the streets?

Cause my brain to function perfectly like the rest of your creation?

You said that you take care of the birds and the wildflowers,

will you take care of me too?

Without you I am lost.

Without you I am nothing.

Outside you, there is no real reason.

Outside you, there is nothing that really counts.

Without you, I will dry like a wildflower in the wind.

I need you, today more than ever.

Lord I long for you,

I long for your sustenance.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

I long for you

Lord,

I long for you

in the same way

the earth longs

for the first rain of the season.

It has been a long, dry, winter.

Replenish my soul,

renew my hope,

make the life you breathed into me new.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

The Lord is my Safe Haven

I work in Treasury. We live in very exciting times. Driving home tonight, I thought about God and a possible paraphrase of Psalm 23 in the turbulent times we experience. I think it might look like this:

The Lord is my Safe haven,
I have everything I need.

He takes me to a place of minor volatility,
He restores what counts in my life.
He guides me in what is just and fair for His Name's sake.

Even when indices tumble,
share prices and currencies crash and banks fold,
I will not be scared, because You are with me.
I don't need insider info or fancy systems,
because You are with me and nothing else counts.

I am not scared,
even when I hear that world banks and governments are bailing out banks,
because you take care of me
and give me everything I need, whilst the big players and high rollers look on.
I am complete in you.

Surely, you will be with me
and I will endeavour to love and serve you
until You make everything new.
I will live and work for you forever,
because You are my Safe haven
and nothing compares to You.

Amen

Tired

I am so tired. I have been brave over the past few weeks and reduced my meds substantially, but today I am not convinced that my brilliant plan was that brilliant at all.

I had my eye on my blood pressure, liver enzymes, cholesterol, red blood count, platelet count, iron levels, weight and everything else that went wrong as a result of meds. I was so determined to get rid of the meds in order to fix my body.

But, this cold darkness is creeping up on me again. I am weepy, very tired (despite the fact that I sleep enough, exercise and eat healthy stuff in the right portions, cut out caffeine and alcohol and and and), irritable, and all hope seems to be escaping me. Classic depression. Again.

Lord, where are you? I think this is so unfair. I just want a normal life. I want to have an occasional glass of wine with my friends. I want to laugh with them and join in the fun, but right now, I can't catch jokes or innuendos. I feel like a leper with no hope of beating this disease. Be kind to me today? Extend your hand? Comfort me? In Jesus' Name.

Tuesday

On Saturday, our president was asked to resign. On Sunday he did so. On Monday (which was only yesterday) our company's CEO announced his retirement on he back of an announcement that one of our shareholders want a substantially bigger stake (and probably management control). Today one of the international banks (I deal with daily) announced that they are leaving the country and another hour later 11 ministers resigned from the cabinet.

These changes obviously impacted on our currency and the company news on our shareprice. I watch these figures every day - it is my job to know where currencies trade and how our shares perform relative to various indices.

Sometimes, I wish there were clear cut and well defined indicators of how I am doing. I would for example love to measure relationships with a glance at a monitor, but that defeats relationship, doesn't it?

I am in a bit of uncharted waters myself. I spoke to my psychiatrist yesterday and she agreed to reduce my meds even more. I am obviously glad about that. However, her very next sentence was 'BUT you have to monitor your mood closely'. But how? 'And', as if I did not know, 'there will be withdrawal symptoms'.

Tonight I am amazed at the pace of change and grateful that tomorrow is a public holiday in South Africa. My head feels like chewing gum, blown up, popped & pulled in opposite directions. Tonight I also know that Jesus does not change. He is consistent and a Safe Refuge when everything else wobbles. I am grateful for my community and their support and lessons I learn from little guys who do not know what a president or a CEO is.

Pray for the government?

Today the ANC decided that Thabo Mbeki is no longer the president of South Africa. They came to power in 1994, when Nelson Mandela became our president. He was succeeded by Mr Mbeki in 1999. Mr Mbeki's term would have been over in 7 months' time.

A few months ago, Jacob Zuma was elected president of the ANC. Now, he used to be a vice president of the country, but was asked to resign when he was first accused of a corrupt relationship with his financial advisor. This was followed by a rape charge and various allegations and on Monday the high court ruled that his latest charges are unconstitutional. All of this lead to today's recall of the president.

A few of my friends attended an emigration workshop today. There is a lot of uncertainty at the moment. For the last few years people alluded to the possibility of South Africa becoming 'the next Zimbabwe'.

Despite all this, the only message I get from the Bible is that we should pray for our rulers. Romans does not say 'if you like them' or 'if you agree with them'. In fact, the Christians were pursued when they were instructed to pray for the rulers. I do not need less grace than any of them and cannot pick up a stone to throw at them.

May God change our hearts. May God lead our government and give them wisdom in their huge task.

Low on virtual memory

My laptop does not have a lot of memory. It is also almost constantly complaining of being low on virtual memory and asking me to close applications.

Last night I was battling to speed up the computer, closing applications to stop the machine from hanging when it occurred to me that depression is a bit like that. I shut down one function after the other in an effort to survive. If you have never experienced depression, you might think I am crazy now and that everything is in my head (which is ofcourse true).

One of the things I did, was to stop talking. I stopped talking to friends. I stopped writing letters. I stopped text messages. I stopped trying to connect and in a way I think got some 'time out' and 'page expired' messages. To make it worse, I stopped talking to God - not intentionally, but trying to hear Him is like waiting for the hour glass to stop turning and turning and turning.

The ancient Jews would never stop talking - to stop talking was to admit that you entered the realm of death. They would rather fight with God because He is silent and His ear became heavy. They would question Him about suffering and pain (which is simply not done in our protestant world). They would complain to Him... but never be silent.

So then? Do I use what feels like my last breath to ask God one more time why I am unable to connect? Why do I take so long to complete a simple task? Why do I have to battle with side effects and withdrawal symptoms? Where are you and why does it seem like there is a connection error or I am using the wrong URL?

Between a rock and a hard place

A year ago I was suicidal. I eventually saw a psychiatrist who helped me. She prescribed medicine, but made it very clear that I had to manage my depression.

I made lifestyle changes - I cut out alcohol & caffeine, for the first time in my life I joined a gym and started exercising regularly. I introduced a lot more veggies to my diet. I started watching my sleep patterns and I probably have a stricter routine than most babies.

I started coping again. I can remember things again. I am no longer suicidal, do not lose my temper over everything, no longer feel totally hopeless. I even began to understand jokes and puns again (for some reason I honestly could not). While I focused on getting my mind better, a lot of other things (related to side effects) happened.

My blood pressure shot up. My cholesterol shot up. I had a full blood count done last week and there are lots of anomalies. I gained a huge amount of weight despite my healthy diet and exercise.

On Monday I saw the psychiatrist who agreed that I can reduce dosages on some of my meds in an effort to reduce my blood pressure. The condition is that I am supposed to monitor my mood as well as blood pressure. After I found out about the cholesterol and blood count (yesterday), I had that old hopelessness creeping up on me. That, combined with the feeling that I am unable to equalise (due to withdrawal of some meds), is a bit much for me today.

So - what do I do? Keep trying to fix my mind or pay attention to my body? I am confused and angry. I don't know why God thought I should have depression. I don't know why He then could not protect me from side effects like this? No matter how hard I try, I cannot make sense of this and I am not sure if I want to.

So, what is in a name?

Driving home tonight, I listened to a news report. An appeal was made not to abuse Madiba's name. Apparantly somebody sold a 24 carat black diamond at huge profit, because he called it the Madiba diamond. The spokesperson proceeded to explain the legal consequences and just how his name is protected. Ironically, Madiba uses his own name in efforts to raise money for childrens' charities. For free.

Last week Tom lead us in an interesting discussion about Moses and the burning bush. What really made an impression on me, is how God introduces Himself. I am. Just that. Not a lot of titles. No big ado.

We know that the Jews will never mention God's Name, probably as a result of fear of abusing the Name above all names. I don't think God meant for us not to know His Name. However, I think He wanted us to know Him and not just a Name.

I am comforted by the fact that God is - with me.

Monday

I am very grateful. Yesterday I had the opportunity to catch up with my young friends. Tayla turns 3 on Wednesday and had a party at Kleiters (Claypot kids) and joined in the fun.

Tayla is a little princess with amazing manners. She is amazing. Her baby brother (who turns 1 in November), crawls. It is very interesting to watch him interact with his mom, his dad and the other kids. Paul counted from one to ten in English! He is 3 and his mother tongue is Afrikaans. Paul's siblings, Hugo and Nina, are almost 16 months old and all of a sudden they can walk!

I can't help to see God in these little guys and girls. God is right there, in their midst. God is in every new tooth, in every new curl, in every step (and the determination behind it). It is WOW!

I am also grateful that I am getting better. I have seen my psychiatrist tonight and she agreed to reduce some of my medication.

May you see God in the small things this week.

She?

I saw an interesting video tonight. It is called 'She' by Nooma (Rob Bell) and explores the feminine side of God. Having recently read 'The Shack', which introduces Father God as a black lady, the thoughts were not entirely new, yet refreshing.

It is so simple for us to throw words like 'omnipotent' and 'omnipresent' around. How about God being more than male or female? God made humans, male and female, in His image. But how? The only possible solution is that God supercedes and encompasses both sexes.

I love some of the feminine expressions of God in the Bible. God takes care of us, siblings. God loves me and when my mind cannot comprehend it and I do not feel it, it is still true. Last week someone I really value (and think is very wise) said 'A mother is always only as happy as her unhappiest child'.

This is where I wish we could think in Amplified terms - stop, pause, think! What if this is also true of God? What if God's heart also breaks when we battle to survive and when we hurt? What if God is wiping our tears and patching up wounds? What if God really holds His breath while we take a few steps at a time? What if God hovers nearby while we decide if we will get back on our bikes and try again?

I think God does all of this and much more. I think God feels my pain even when I don't. I think God chuckles at some of the things I do and say. I know God loves me. I know He loves you too.

You know better than I

This afternoon I watched 'Joseph, king of dreams' for the umpteenth time. I can relate to this song Jospeh sings in prison. He is no longer the arrogant, boastful, know-it-all high flyer. He is human. He knows he only sees a small part and really has no clue. I know this is a Disney Joseph, but I think there are elements of truth.

I know I don't know. I know that I need God more every day. Like Joseph, I thought I knew what I am doing, just to discover that I am at a really strange place and not at all where I envisioned. Strangely, I am at peace.

If you have never seen the movie, I can definitely recommend it.

You can watch the music video on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcgpExqkLwE).

"I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through
I try to do what's best

And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you
For you know better than I

You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me
For you know better than I

You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I"

The story of us

God and I have a story. On a day like today, when it feels like I am hanging on by the very tips of my fingers and there is not much hope, I can remember and try to believe one more day.

I have been praying this old Celtic prayer every day for the past year. I don't have a super-spiritual reason and it was not so much a discipline as a simple reminder and I way to find the guts to face one more day:

Lord, You have always given
bread for the coming day;
and though I am poor,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
me safe in trials;
and now, tried as I am,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
this darkness of mine;
and though the night is here,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
when time was ripe;
and though you be silent now,
today I believe.

God have mercy on me. Amen.

Success

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday

The going is tough at the moment. Over the weekend I tried to come up with a legitimate reason not to come to work yesterday. Crazy, I know. I am tired, tearful, tense and often just feel hopeless.

I remember translating Job in Hebrew 2 or 3. We got stuck on a phrase, which translated literally means 'my bed is full of tossing'. We eventually chose to translate it with 'I have difficulty sleeping'. Today, I understand a bed that is full of tossing. My bed is full of tossing and turning.

However, today I only have to cope with this one day. I can trust God one more time. Just for today. Yesterday there was enough of everything and I believe that God will meet my weakness, tears and hopelessness and help me to cope today. Tuesday. And with a lot of grace and mercy, I might be able to do something for the Kingdom too.

Losing control vs surrendering control

I am out of control and I know it.

A year ago (today) I was admitted to hospital, the psych ward... clinically depressed and suicidal. All my gages were broken and it was really difficult to make any judgment call whatsoever. I was indecisive and just broken.

Getting better was a long and hard road. I started exercising, changed my sleep patterns, cut out alcohol and caffeine, formed rhythms and routines and learned to keep it. I have to take a whole bunch of pills every day and I still battle with that.

This morning I realised that I am losing the plot again. I worked 120 hours per week for the past month. I go to gym every lunch time and fall asleep within half an hour of arriving home. I think I learned to over-compensate at work, maybe because nobody else knows what happened or that I am on meds. Driving to work this morning, I became furious at the people I work with. I have not even seen them or spoken to them yet.

May God help me to find the log in my eye today before I look for the splinters in theirs. Saint Francis of Assisi once prayed: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.Where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury,pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seekto be consoled as to console;to be understood as to understand;to be loved as to love.For it is in giving that we receive;it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen " May God grant me the same today.

Being in control is very stressful. I choose to surrender control to God today. I choose to side with Him. As much as I dislike cliches, it might not be a bad idea to stop and every once in a while ask what Jesus would have done. It might not be a bad idea to focus on God instead of waging war in my heart. I think.

Winter solstice

Saturday was winter solstice in the southern hemisphere. In theory the longest night of this winter is over and summer is on its way.

I am under no illusion about the temperatures and have no doubt that we will see more cold fronts. It will still be dark when I leave for work and it will probably be dark again by the time I leave the office, but there is the promise of summer and longer days.

I would like to believe that winter solstice in my life is also over. Yes, sometimes it is cold and dark, but it is getting better. There is God's sunshine when a child laughs with me. There is the comfort of friends I engage with again. In the meantime, my meds work. I am in a routine that seems to help. And there is the promise that the long night is not forever.

Summer is coming.

God as hostage?

Crazy idea, I know. God is Almighty, not a hostage. He is not a genie in a bottle. He does not do party tricks. He does not do magic. He is, He always was and He always will be.

However, sometimes I think we treat God just like a hostage. Over the past weekend a few friends (elders from Claypot) went to the Drakensberg to think and pray and brainstorm. Like often before we started sharing stories.

I went through a phase whilst studying Theology where I believed God will heal me from anything. I refused to take headache tablets and even put my glasses away, expecting God to heal my eyes. After two years, my prescription doubled. God did not heal my eyes.

I thought it was the end of the world. I prayed, I read God's word (I even read it aloud to Him), I listened to testimonies, there was a lot of introspection and confession. Yet, nothing 'did the trick'.

I shared this story over the weekend and since I spend a lot of time in traffic, I thought some more about some of the stories we shared.

When all is said and done - God is nobody's hostage. He is no 'bound by His word' like I used to confess. God is not a genie in a bottle. He works miracles, yes, but not magic. His miracles are often a little uncomfortable. God is God. God is Almighty. He is Sovereign and I cannot twist His arm. This might sound harsh, but tonight it is a comforting thought.

Spirit of God

Our community is battling with the Holy Spirit. We have Christians from virtually every possible theological background - Charismatics, Pentecostals, Reformed... those who believe that you have to be baptized in the Spirit and talk in tongues and those who think we have the Spirit, otherwise it would be impossible to say "Jesus is Lord".

Obviously this leads of different expectations of God, each other and our meetings. Obviously not everybody wll be satisfied.

I have a lot of respect for Tom's wisdom, ability to teach and gentle manner. Over the past few months he repeated the same answers to the same questions in virtually every service. Now we are discussing the Spirit of God in Quarry (a Bible study session once a week for three weeks).

Last week we talked about the Spirit in the Old Testament and gospels. This week we will work through the remainder of the New Tesament and the next week we will look at the practice.

May the Spirit of God be known in our presence. May He manifest in the fruit we bear. May people be drawn to God through the way we conduct ourselves and may our quest bring us closer to God and each other.

Letting go / finding

Sometimes I think God is brutal and at other times, He is so gentle. Sometimes I feel like He punishes and I am too scared to invite God in all His power to take charge, but mostly, God is in the gentle breeze.

I had a blow up with my friends last year. Subsequent to that I was really hurt and felt they dropped me when I needed them most. Things have never been quite the same. Our relationship became forced and we only saw each other at church meetings. I always felt awkward because I have lost my temper and I really did not want to be friends again.

Whilst in London, I had a lot of time to think and just be. On a sunny afternoon, I was sitting on Trafalgar square, watching the tourists (not) feeding the pigeons. I remembered a phone call from my friend when I was sitting in the same spot last year. I really wanted to call, but thought it would be weird. So I did the next best thing - I tore a page out of my sketch book and started writing a letter. Mika was singing on my iPod about saying goodbye to the world you thought you lived in and the penny dropped.

I think I was still angry. I thought I had a right to love and support and was furious when I did not get it. I had to let go. I never had rights. In the same way, I never had a right to health, a happy and loving family and a lot of other things I thought.

A day or two after I got back to South Africa, my friend sent me a text message saying she wanted to have coffee and just look me in the eyes, she wanted to tell me that I was forgiven and wanted to ask forgiveness. Obviously I assumed she got my letter and was really grateful that things were going to be fine.

Ten days after that, I got another message - she had just received my letter.

Coincidence? I don't think so. I think the Spirit of God stirred the same thing in both our hearts sitting a opposite ends of the globe. To me, this is a miracle. None of us 'made the first move'. None of us can take the honour. The Spirit of God was in the gentle breeze. He compelled, but did not force. I can assure you that I did not have goosebumps and I was so scared writing and mailing that letter.

We still didn't have that coffee, but we have been speaking. We'll spend some time next weekend and I look forward to it.

The cares of this world

We discussed Matthew 6 yesterday. In our community, we have often talked about money and not serving mammon. Every week, we acknowledge God as God and get up to throw money in a broken claypot ('telling' our bodies to serve God physically in doing so). I think we might be getting so used to this strange ritual that it is no longer a challenge or a conscious process.

After all the changes in my life over the past 18 months, I had an immense sense of instability and I think I allowed the cares of the world to grow wild in my life (jumping to Jesus' parable of the seed) to bring some stability. If there are things you always worry about, it creates a (false) sense of stability.

It is so easy to create these little pockets that are blindspots to others and consciously or unconsciously concealed in (your?) my own mind. I think this creates fertile ground for the cares of this world to flourish.

My challenge yesterday was and today is this - God is God. God can be trusted. God will not leave me in the lurch - He loves me. God can take care of me. He is bigger than the oil price, increasing rates & my medication. He is bigger than my job and all the earthly things I surround myself with. I am going to trust God - just today. Tomorrow, we can think about tomorrow...

Thinking together

Some people might find our community a little strange. We actually ask questions throughout the service. It is not part of the liturgy and the questions are not pre-arranged, they just happen. I love it.

I love the fact that we think together. I pray that God will help us to engage more with Him and one another. After all, the pastor / preacher is not the person with all the answers, God is.

I am not suggesting that we sit and wait for God to answer us audibly, but I think we are all equally responsible to get the answer. We live post Pentecost. We are all temples of the Ruah Jahwe. God is with all of us - equally.

Life after death

With my gran passing away so suddenly, I have been thinking about life and death. Usually I am not too perturbed about it, I think I'll see what happens when I get there.

However, this week I wondered if she is with my granddad? I wonder if they can somehow see that we are doing OK?

Silly and irrational, I know...

A full life

This morning my granny passed away. She wasn't really sick. She had a heart attack (in Douglas) and died in the ambulance on her way to hospital (in Kimberley, 100 km from there).

I loved her. She was very short and cried when she was happy and also cried when she was sad. She called a spade a spade and had the ability to recall little incidents from all 5 her children's lives as well as that of her 10 grandchildren.

I think the most important thing was that my granny prayed for me. She had a little black book and mentioned the names of all her children, her 'other children' (children in law) and her grandchildren before God at least twice a day.

I remember waking up to the murmur of voices in the kitchen on the farm where my granny sat at the table having coffee with whoever was awake. I remember seeing her on her knees, praying. I remember how bad she felt when she could no longer kneel to pray.

I loved her and am shocked by her sudden death, but I am grateful and rich for having known her.

London 2008

I am in London. I still love London. That is about the only thing that is still the same (in my life since my previous visit).

Generally speaking - I have a lot less to say these days. I have less answers, less bright ideas. I am less sure of relationships. I also have less to say to God. Not sure if this is good.

I tend to take almost everything at face value. I simply do not have the capacity to look beyond. Sometimes, I'll see an interesting argument, but not get directly involved, because I am not sure that I am coherent.

For now - I am in London. I walk a lot. Sometimes I think. I take pictures. I am attempting to read a book. One day at a time.

A new body

My friend, Jan, suffers from bipolar disorder. When I met him and his wife they were in ministry. They worked hard and were successful.

A few years later, Jan was diagnosed. Mental illness is not acceptable in many circles and understood in even less. Jan eventually had to leave the ministry. Over the past few years, the episodes became more frequent and more intense.

For the past 3 weeks, he was in hospital and on Monday, they moved him to a different facility.

My heart is broken. Every time this happens, all my questions about healing and all my doubts jump to top of my mind. I am reminded of my own brokenness.

Just for today, may God be with my friend, Jan, and all the other people like him. May God protect them from themselves and others. May they by reminded that there will come a day when our bodies will be made new and these things that hurt so much, will go away. May God comfort them and those who love them.

Finally - Sunday!

Easter is an uneasy time for the Church. It is a reminder of Jesus' death. Yesterday, I kept myself busy with little things that had to be done around home.

I thought of the disciples and how they must have spent the day. It was Sabbath and they could not go fishing. There movements would have been limited and their hope shattered. They would have had to deal with their consciences as well. Peter for denying that he knew Jesus, the others for running away.

It was a dark day.

However, today is Sunday! The Lord is risen. There is new hope and another chance.

Holy Week

This is only the third year I observe Holy Week. The first year I was astounded by the strange practices my friends observed. Last year, I was in London and spent the week mostly in and around St Paul's cathedral.

If you are not familiar with Holy Week or its origins, I can recommend this article: http://www.circleofprayer.com/holy-week.html. It is simple and straight forward.

This year, I am so aware of the fact that Jesus died for me when He was only 33. I am 33 next month. I am so aware of the fact that I did not deserve it. I am aware of my own sin and wrong doing. I know I need God and every day I am on this journey I need Him more.

I am humbled by Jesus' reaching out to me.

I am grateful for (Wednesday, 12 March 2008)

This exercise was more difficult than I anticipated. I tend to get bogged down easily these days and the past ten days was no exception to that.

However, I did wake up looking for things I could thank God for and realised how much I take for granted every day.

As we are approaching Holy Week, I am so aware of my own sinful thoughts and actions and that I would have no shot at a relationship with God if He did not reach out to me. I am rash and foolish and totally lost without God.

It is my prayer that God will help me to be truly grateful every day.

Today my granny is 80. I thank God for her.

I am grateful for (Sunday, 9 March 2008)

- My friend, Adri-Marie, and her gift of leading people in worship
- My friend, Tom, and his gift of teaching as well as his faithfulness in preparation
- The newest Kleiter, Jean-Marie
- Friends who love children and make Kleipot fun for them
- Sunday nap
- Our new staff
- Training opportunities
- Liquidizer
- Ice
- Towels

I am grateful for (Saturday, 8 March 2008)

- My brother
- My washing machine
- My tumble dryer
- Sunshine
- Rain
- Autumn
- My friends, Hugh-Jean & Sanja (they have been married for 15 months now)
- My friends, Andre and Nerina
- My friends, Jan & Yvonne
- My friends, Imo-Rhesa & Reece

I am grateful for (Friday, 7 March 2008)

- Laughter
- My friend, tannie Sulette, and her understanding
- My medication
- My doctor
- Decaf coffee
- Fruit juice
- David who washes my car
- The opportunity I had to study Theology
- Online Bibles and study helps
- My sister (who is coming to visit this weekend!)

I am grateful for (Thursday, 6 March 2008)

- My friend, Mariana, and her medical knowledge

- The opportunity to study Greek & Hebrew

- A community who wants to obey God

I am grateful for (Thursday, 6 March 2008)

- My friend, Mariana, and her medical knowledge
- The opportunity to study Greek & Hebrew
- Google!
- A community that endeavours to serve God
- My friend, Lorraine, who cleans my office
- Rubbish removal
- Art and the opportunity to do art
- My friend, Alida and all her children
- Laptops & proxima's (makes study sessions SOOO much easier)
- We are painting our complex

I am grateful for (Wednesday, 5 March 2008)

- Fresh fruit
- Fresh water
- Gym
- Soap
- Jacques is not hurt (after his motor accident)
- Traffic lights
- CD's and good music
- E-banking
- Flowers
- Hugo and Nina started crawling!

I am grateful for (Tuesday, 4 March 2008)

- Jesus, who came to live on earth by choice;
- Petrol for my car;
- Airconditioning;
- A comfortable chair at work;
- Colleagues;
- My intellect;
- Skills God helped me to acquire;
- Training institutions;
- Training opportunities;
- Prayer

I am grateful for (Monday, 3 March 2008)

- My friend, Lollie
- Dentists (never thought I'd say this!)
- Painkillers
- My cat, Thomas
- My bed
- Running water
- Electricity
- Tea
- Yoghurt
- Sleep

Ten things I am grateful for

It is so much easier to complain about things God is perceived not to do, than to stop and count my blessings.

For the next ten 10 I will endeavour to find ten unique (can't repeat what I listed before) things to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful for:

- friends who search for God's heart;
- my house;
- my car;
- my job;
- an accountability partner who really keeps me accountable;
- my Bible;
- that I can read;
- that I can write;
- access to a computer;
- access to the internet.

Lord, please help me to notice what is good in my life. Help me to truly grateful for it? In Jesus' Name, Amen