Taking stock

This time of the year (and again around my birthday), I tend to take stock of my life.

I am greatful that I managed my depression fairly well this year. I managed to reduce some of the medicine and have less questions about the chemicals I take than a year ago. I don't really miss alcohol or caffeine and generally do not mind going to bed early or getting exercise.

Yet, I have to wonder what God thinks when He looks at my life. Am I bearing the fruit He wants to see?

Depression is a big barrier between me and God. If He did not give me depression, He at the very least allowed it. He knows what the chemicals do to my body and He knows what happens if I do not take it. It is a HUGE no man's land. I can't talk to God about it.

When our community talked about healing, we agreed that our reflex should be to pray and trust God for healing. We acknowledged that not all people get healed and we do not know why. We also agreed that we should respect the sick person. If they do not want to pray, we will not do so publicly.

It is easy to think of theories. It is realtively easy to formulate policy. Dealing with broken bodies is a different topic altogether. My friend, Tom's, mom had her fourth round of chemo. My friend, Schalk's, dad has constant backpain. There are lots of broken bodies around. I wish there were easy answers that worked all the time. I wish there was a formula or a fix.

It is the end of another year. I still have very little answers. I still don't really understand much. I was a terrible friend this year. Yet, I hope that something I did somewhere along the line brought a smile to God's face. I hope that next year, He will pull me even closer to Him and that He will smile on my friends and me.