Taking stock

This time of the year (and again around my birthday), I tend to take stock of my life.

I am greatful that I managed my depression fairly well this year. I managed to reduce some of the medicine and have less questions about the chemicals I take than a year ago. I don't really miss alcohol or caffeine and generally do not mind going to bed early or getting exercise.

Yet, I have to wonder what God thinks when He looks at my life. Am I bearing the fruit He wants to see?

Depression is a big barrier between me and God. If He did not give me depression, He at the very least allowed it. He knows what the chemicals do to my body and He knows what happens if I do not take it. It is a HUGE no man's land. I can't talk to God about it.

When our community talked about healing, we agreed that our reflex should be to pray and trust God for healing. We acknowledged that not all people get healed and we do not know why. We also agreed that we should respect the sick person. If they do not want to pray, we will not do so publicly.

It is easy to think of theories. It is realtively easy to formulate policy. Dealing with broken bodies is a different topic altogether. My friend, Tom's, mom had her fourth round of chemo. My friend, Schalk's, dad has constant backpain. There are lots of broken bodies around. I wish there were easy answers that worked all the time. I wish there was a formula or a fix.

It is the end of another year. I still have very little answers. I still don't really understand much. I was a terrible friend this year. Yet, I hope that something I did somewhere along the line brought a smile to God's face. I hope that next year, He will pull me even closer to Him and that He will smile on my friends and me.

Christmas

"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years. Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart." ~ George Adams

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is nostalgic. As a child, this was the day when we went to the farm and saw all our cousins again. It was HOT! on the farm, December temperatures are 40 degrees Celsius plus. There was no pool, no airconditioning, but none of it mattered. We made 'christmas beds', which meant we all slept on the floor in the lounge. If you consider stretchers to be beds, there were beds for all the grown-ups. We played and laughed.

On Christmas morning, we would all dress up in 'church clothes' and listen to the radio broadcasted Christmas service on the veranda. Nodding off and smiling were not permitted. Best behaviour only.

Today, I am grown up. I look around me and see people spending money they don't have on things they don't need and other don't really want. Cynical, I know.

My grandparents passed away, granny only this year and the last Christmas on the farm was 20 years ago. My parents are divorced. My mom is spending Christmas with my brother and sisters in London. My dad's girlfriend went on holiday with her family and he has been staying with me.

It could be a sad and dreary picture, if we don't turn our eyes tot the Reason for Christmas. Jesus, Emmanuel, leaving His Father's house to come and pitch a tent on earth, camping out with us. This remains the greatest miracle of all time.

So, this Christmas Eve, instead of sulking about bygones and getting lost in nostalgia, I am awestruck by a God who gave up everything to give the greatest gift of all. The King of Christmas came to sleep in a Christmas bed.

Jesus' spirituality

I would have hated to have Jesus on a church board. This week, I have been thinking about the woman caught in the act of adultery (Matthew 8). I saw "The Women" last week and the story deals with how women dealt with a husband's betrayal.

When the woman in Matthew was brought to Jesus, He carried on writing in the sand. When she was accused, Jesus suggested that the person with no sin cast the first stone. Being a sinner, I love this. I can feel this woman's relief at the grace shown. I have always read it and thought of 'how Jesus showed the bad guys (accusers)'.

However, this week I thought of the repercussions. What about her husband and the other man's wife? What about the kids? Would they be the laughingstock of their community? Would the children be a weapon in tug of war? What happened after Jesus left?

I often wish that the 'happily ever after' was recorded too. If Jesus was on a church board, I am afraid I would chicken out. What about fairness? What about the other parties involved? What happens where the tyre hits the road?

On a night like tonight I realise how little I really know and understand. May God have mercy on all of us.

Still here

I am still here. I do not have clever ideas or bright insights or revelations, but I am still here.

Things that made an impression on me over the past weeks? Lots! There is a very brave lady in our community fighting cancer and dealing with depression at the same time. I take my hat off to her. You have to love her.

My cat's 'commonlaw wife' was poisoned and it made me sad. On the same day I broke my foot and I suppose I could reflect on the use of a left foot ;-)

My friends, Walter & Rialene, had a boy! Amazing little guy. My friends, Tom & Lollie's, little boy started walking. He has this look of sheer determination on his little face after every fall and then he gets up and tries again. Amazing. Young Tayla & Nina were such little ladies today and the boys were boys. I adore the kids. I could reflect on them and what I learn from them for weeks on end.

Advent started today. I do not have a 'Christmas feeling', but I do have hope. Jesus came to earth and dwelled in a body just like mine. Squatting on earth, just like us. He understands my joys and frustrations. He has walked this road with human feet - just like mine. I hope in Him. He encompasses my being. He is the Reason I am here. I am still here, because He is too.

I long for you

Lord, I long for you.

Will you saturate my soul,

the way the rain is saturating the earth?

Will you renew my mind the way you are renewing the plants outside?

Lord, make me new?

Cause my life to grow and bear fruit like you do with the plants?

Cause me to blossom like the jacarandas in the streets?

Cause my brain to function perfectly like the rest of your creation?

You said that you take care of the birds and the wildflowers,

will you take care of me too?

Without you I am lost.

Without you I am nothing.

Outside you, there is no real reason.

Outside you, there is nothing that really counts.

Without you, I will dry like a wildflower in the wind.

I need you, today more than ever.

Lord I long for you,

I long for your sustenance.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

I long for you

Lord,

I long for you

in the same way

the earth longs

for the first rain of the season.

It has been a long, dry, winter.

Replenish my soul,

renew my hope,

make the life you breathed into me new.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

The Lord is my Safe Haven

I work in Treasury. We live in very exciting times. Driving home tonight, I thought about God and a possible paraphrase of Psalm 23 in the turbulent times we experience. I think it might look like this:

The Lord is my Safe haven,
I have everything I need.

He takes me to a place of minor volatility,
He restores what counts in my life.
He guides me in what is just and fair for His Name's sake.

Even when indices tumble,
share prices and currencies crash and banks fold,
I will not be scared, because You are with me.
I don't need insider info or fancy systems,
because You are with me and nothing else counts.

I am not scared,
even when I hear that world banks and governments are bailing out banks,
because you take care of me
and give me everything I need, whilst the big players and high rollers look on.
I am complete in you.

Surely, you will be with me
and I will endeavour to love and serve you
until You make everything new.
I will live and work for you forever,
because You are my Safe haven
and nothing compares to You.

Amen

Tired

I am so tired. I have been brave over the past few weeks and reduced my meds substantially, but today I am not convinced that my brilliant plan was that brilliant at all.

I had my eye on my blood pressure, liver enzymes, cholesterol, red blood count, platelet count, iron levels, weight and everything else that went wrong as a result of meds. I was so determined to get rid of the meds in order to fix my body.

But, this cold darkness is creeping up on me again. I am weepy, very tired (despite the fact that I sleep enough, exercise and eat healthy stuff in the right portions, cut out caffeine and alcohol and and and), irritable, and all hope seems to be escaping me. Classic depression. Again.

Lord, where are you? I think this is so unfair. I just want a normal life. I want to have an occasional glass of wine with my friends. I want to laugh with them and join in the fun, but right now, I can't catch jokes or innuendos. I feel like a leper with no hope of beating this disease. Be kind to me today? Extend your hand? Comfort me? In Jesus' Name.

Tuesday

On Saturday, our president was asked to resign. On Sunday he did so. On Monday (which was only yesterday) our company's CEO announced his retirement on he back of an announcement that one of our shareholders want a substantially bigger stake (and probably management control). Today one of the international banks (I deal with daily) announced that they are leaving the country and another hour later 11 ministers resigned from the cabinet.

These changes obviously impacted on our currency and the company news on our shareprice. I watch these figures every day - it is my job to know where currencies trade and how our shares perform relative to various indices.

Sometimes, I wish there were clear cut and well defined indicators of how I am doing. I would for example love to measure relationships with a glance at a monitor, but that defeats relationship, doesn't it?

I am in a bit of uncharted waters myself. I spoke to my psychiatrist yesterday and she agreed to reduce my meds even more. I am obviously glad about that. However, her very next sentence was 'BUT you have to monitor your mood closely'. But how? 'And', as if I did not know, 'there will be withdrawal symptoms'.

Tonight I am amazed at the pace of change and grateful that tomorrow is a public holiday in South Africa. My head feels like chewing gum, blown up, popped & pulled in opposite directions. Tonight I also know that Jesus does not change. He is consistent and a Safe Refuge when everything else wobbles. I am grateful for my community and their support and lessons I learn from little guys who do not know what a president or a CEO is.

Pray for the government?

Today the ANC decided that Thabo Mbeki is no longer the president of South Africa. They came to power in 1994, when Nelson Mandela became our president. He was succeeded by Mr Mbeki in 1999. Mr Mbeki's term would have been over in 7 months' time.

A few months ago, Jacob Zuma was elected president of the ANC. Now, he used to be a vice president of the country, but was asked to resign when he was first accused of a corrupt relationship with his financial advisor. This was followed by a rape charge and various allegations and on Monday the high court ruled that his latest charges are unconstitutional. All of this lead to today's recall of the president.

A few of my friends attended an emigration workshop today. There is a lot of uncertainty at the moment. For the last few years people alluded to the possibility of South Africa becoming 'the next Zimbabwe'.

Despite all this, the only message I get from the Bible is that we should pray for our rulers. Romans does not say 'if you like them' or 'if you agree with them'. In fact, the Christians were pursued when they were instructed to pray for the rulers. I do not need less grace than any of them and cannot pick up a stone to throw at them.

May God change our hearts. May God lead our government and give them wisdom in their huge task.

Low on virtual memory

My laptop does not have a lot of memory. It is also almost constantly complaining of being low on virtual memory and asking me to close applications.

Last night I was battling to speed up the computer, closing applications to stop the machine from hanging when it occurred to me that depression is a bit like that. I shut down one function after the other in an effort to survive. If you have never experienced depression, you might think I am crazy now and that everything is in my head (which is ofcourse true).

One of the things I did, was to stop talking. I stopped talking to friends. I stopped writing letters. I stopped text messages. I stopped trying to connect and in a way I think got some 'time out' and 'page expired' messages. To make it worse, I stopped talking to God - not intentionally, but trying to hear Him is like waiting for the hour glass to stop turning and turning and turning.

The ancient Jews would never stop talking - to stop talking was to admit that you entered the realm of death. They would rather fight with God because He is silent and His ear became heavy. They would question Him about suffering and pain (which is simply not done in our protestant world). They would complain to Him... but never be silent.

So then? Do I use what feels like my last breath to ask God one more time why I am unable to connect? Why do I take so long to complete a simple task? Why do I have to battle with side effects and withdrawal symptoms? Where are you and why does it seem like there is a connection error or I am using the wrong URL?

Between a rock and a hard place

A year ago I was suicidal. I eventually saw a psychiatrist who helped me. She prescribed medicine, but made it very clear that I had to manage my depression.

I made lifestyle changes - I cut out alcohol & caffeine, for the first time in my life I joined a gym and started exercising regularly. I introduced a lot more veggies to my diet. I started watching my sleep patterns and I probably have a stricter routine than most babies.

I started coping again. I can remember things again. I am no longer suicidal, do not lose my temper over everything, no longer feel totally hopeless. I even began to understand jokes and puns again (for some reason I honestly could not). While I focused on getting my mind better, a lot of other things (related to side effects) happened.

My blood pressure shot up. My cholesterol shot up. I had a full blood count done last week and there are lots of anomalies. I gained a huge amount of weight despite my healthy diet and exercise.

On Monday I saw the psychiatrist who agreed that I can reduce dosages on some of my meds in an effort to reduce my blood pressure. The condition is that I am supposed to monitor my mood as well as blood pressure. After I found out about the cholesterol and blood count (yesterday), I had that old hopelessness creeping up on me. That, combined with the feeling that I am unable to equalise (due to withdrawal of some meds), is a bit much for me today.

So - what do I do? Keep trying to fix my mind or pay attention to my body? I am confused and angry. I don't know why God thought I should have depression. I don't know why He then could not protect me from side effects like this? No matter how hard I try, I cannot make sense of this and I am not sure if I want to.

So, what is in a name?

Driving home tonight, I listened to a news report. An appeal was made not to abuse Madiba's name. Apparantly somebody sold a 24 carat black diamond at huge profit, because he called it the Madiba diamond. The spokesperson proceeded to explain the legal consequences and just how his name is protected. Ironically, Madiba uses his own name in efforts to raise money for childrens' charities. For free.

Last week Tom lead us in an interesting discussion about Moses and the burning bush. What really made an impression on me, is how God introduces Himself. I am. Just that. Not a lot of titles. No big ado.

We know that the Jews will never mention God's Name, probably as a result of fear of abusing the Name above all names. I don't think God meant for us not to know His Name. However, I think He wanted us to know Him and not just a Name.

I am comforted by the fact that God is - with me.

Monday

I am very grateful. Yesterday I had the opportunity to catch up with my young friends. Tayla turns 3 on Wednesday and had a party at Kleiters (Claypot kids) and joined in the fun.

Tayla is a little princess with amazing manners. She is amazing. Her baby brother (who turns 1 in November), crawls. It is very interesting to watch him interact with his mom, his dad and the other kids. Paul counted from one to ten in English! He is 3 and his mother tongue is Afrikaans. Paul's siblings, Hugo and Nina, are almost 16 months old and all of a sudden they can walk!

I can't help to see God in these little guys and girls. God is right there, in their midst. God is in every new tooth, in every new curl, in every step (and the determination behind it). It is WOW!

I am also grateful that I am getting better. I have seen my psychiatrist tonight and she agreed to reduce some of my medication.

May you see God in the small things this week.

She?

I saw an interesting video tonight. It is called 'She' by Nooma (Rob Bell) and explores the feminine side of God. Having recently read 'The Shack', which introduces Father God as a black lady, the thoughts were not entirely new, yet refreshing.

It is so simple for us to throw words like 'omnipotent' and 'omnipresent' around. How about God being more than male or female? God made humans, male and female, in His image. But how? The only possible solution is that God supercedes and encompasses both sexes.

I love some of the feminine expressions of God in the Bible. God takes care of us, siblings. God loves me and when my mind cannot comprehend it and I do not feel it, it is still true. Last week someone I really value (and think is very wise) said 'A mother is always only as happy as her unhappiest child'.

This is where I wish we could think in Amplified terms - stop, pause, think! What if this is also true of God? What if God's heart also breaks when we battle to survive and when we hurt? What if God is wiping our tears and patching up wounds? What if God really holds His breath while we take a few steps at a time? What if God hovers nearby while we decide if we will get back on our bikes and try again?

I think God does all of this and much more. I think God feels my pain even when I don't. I think God chuckles at some of the things I do and say. I know God loves me. I know He loves you too.

You know better than I

This afternoon I watched 'Joseph, king of dreams' for the umpteenth time. I can relate to this song Jospeh sings in prison. He is no longer the arrogant, boastful, know-it-all high flyer. He is human. He knows he only sees a small part and really has no clue. I know this is a Disney Joseph, but I think there are elements of truth.

I know I don't know. I know that I need God more every day. Like Joseph, I thought I knew what I am doing, just to discover that I am at a really strange place and not at all where I envisioned. Strangely, I am at peace.

If you have never seen the movie, I can definitely recommend it.

You can watch the music video on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcgpExqkLwE).

"I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through
I try to do what's best

And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you
For you know better than I

You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me
For you know better than I

You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I"

The story of us

God and I have a story. On a day like today, when it feels like I am hanging on by the very tips of my fingers and there is not much hope, I can remember and try to believe one more day.

I have been praying this old Celtic prayer every day for the past year. I don't have a super-spiritual reason and it was not so much a discipline as a simple reminder and I way to find the guts to face one more day:

Lord, You have always given
bread for the coming day;
and though I am poor,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
me safe in trials;
and now, tried as I am,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
this darkness of mine;
and though the night is here,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
when time was ripe;
and though you be silent now,
today I believe.

God have mercy on me. Amen.

Success

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday

The going is tough at the moment. Over the weekend I tried to come up with a legitimate reason not to come to work yesterday. Crazy, I know. I am tired, tearful, tense and often just feel hopeless.

I remember translating Job in Hebrew 2 or 3. We got stuck on a phrase, which translated literally means 'my bed is full of tossing'. We eventually chose to translate it with 'I have difficulty sleeping'. Today, I understand a bed that is full of tossing. My bed is full of tossing and turning.

However, today I only have to cope with this one day. I can trust God one more time. Just for today. Yesterday there was enough of everything and I believe that God will meet my weakness, tears and hopelessness and help me to cope today. Tuesday. And with a lot of grace and mercy, I might be able to do something for the Kingdom too.

Losing control vs surrendering control

I am out of control and I know it.

A year ago (today) I was admitted to hospital, the psych ward... clinically depressed and suicidal. All my gages were broken and it was really difficult to make any judgment call whatsoever. I was indecisive and just broken.

Getting better was a long and hard road. I started exercising, changed my sleep patterns, cut out alcohol and caffeine, formed rhythms and routines and learned to keep it. I have to take a whole bunch of pills every day and I still battle with that.

This morning I realised that I am losing the plot again. I worked 120 hours per week for the past month. I go to gym every lunch time and fall asleep within half an hour of arriving home. I think I learned to over-compensate at work, maybe because nobody else knows what happened or that I am on meds. Driving to work this morning, I became furious at the people I work with. I have not even seen them or spoken to them yet.

May God help me to find the log in my eye today before I look for the splinters in theirs. Saint Francis of Assisi once prayed: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.Where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury,pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seekto be consoled as to console;to be understood as to understand;to be loved as to love.For it is in giving that we receive;it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen " May God grant me the same today.

Being in control is very stressful. I choose to surrender control to God today. I choose to side with Him. As much as I dislike cliches, it might not be a bad idea to stop and every once in a while ask what Jesus would have done. It might not be a bad idea to focus on God instead of waging war in my heart. I think.

Winter solstice

Saturday was winter solstice in the southern hemisphere. In theory the longest night of this winter is over and summer is on its way.

I am under no illusion about the temperatures and have no doubt that we will see more cold fronts. It will still be dark when I leave for work and it will probably be dark again by the time I leave the office, but there is the promise of summer and longer days.

I would like to believe that winter solstice in my life is also over. Yes, sometimes it is cold and dark, but it is getting better. There is God's sunshine when a child laughs with me. There is the comfort of friends I engage with again. In the meantime, my meds work. I am in a routine that seems to help. And there is the promise that the long night is not forever.

Summer is coming.

God as hostage?

Crazy idea, I know. God is Almighty, not a hostage. He is not a genie in a bottle. He does not do party tricks. He does not do magic. He is, He always was and He always will be.

However, sometimes I think we treat God just like a hostage. Over the past weekend a few friends (elders from Claypot) went to the Drakensberg to think and pray and brainstorm. Like often before we started sharing stories.

I went through a phase whilst studying Theology where I believed God will heal me from anything. I refused to take headache tablets and even put my glasses away, expecting God to heal my eyes. After two years, my prescription doubled. God did not heal my eyes.

I thought it was the end of the world. I prayed, I read God's word (I even read it aloud to Him), I listened to testimonies, there was a lot of introspection and confession. Yet, nothing 'did the trick'.

I shared this story over the weekend and since I spend a lot of time in traffic, I thought some more about some of the stories we shared.

When all is said and done - God is nobody's hostage. He is no 'bound by His word' like I used to confess. God is not a genie in a bottle. He works miracles, yes, but not magic. His miracles are often a little uncomfortable. God is God. God is Almighty. He is Sovereign and I cannot twist His arm. This might sound harsh, but tonight it is a comforting thought.

Spirit of God

Our community is battling with the Holy Spirit. We have Christians from virtually every possible theological background - Charismatics, Pentecostals, Reformed... those who believe that you have to be baptized in the Spirit and talk in tongues and those who think we have the Spirit, otherwise it would be impossible to say "Jesus is Lord".

Obviously this leads of different expectations of God, each other and our meetings. Obviously not everybody wll be satisfied.

I have a lot of respect for Tom's wisdom, ability to teach and gentle manner. Over the past few months he repeated the same answers to the same questions in virtually every service. Now we are discussing the Spirit of God in Quarry (a Bible study session once a week for three weeks).

Last week we talked about the Spirit in the Old Testament and gospels. This week we will work through the remainder of the New Tesament and the next week we will look at the practice.

May the Spirit of God be known in our presence. May He manifest in the fruit we bear. May people be drawn to God through the way we conduct ourselves and may our quest bring us closer to God and each other.

Letting go / finding

Sometimes I think God is brutal and at other times, He is so gentle. Sometimes I feel like He punishes and I am too scared to invite God in all His power to take charge, but mostly, God is in the gentle breeze.

I had a blow up with my friends last year. Subsequent to that I was really hurt and felt they dropped me when I needed them most. Things have never been quite the same. Our relationship became forced and we only saw each other at church meetings. I always felt awkward because I have lost my temper and I really did not want to be friends again.

Whilst in London, I had a lot of time to think and just be. On a sunny afternoon, I was sitting on Trafalgar square, watching the tourists (not) feeding the pigeons. I remembered a phone call from my friend when I was sitting in the same spot last year. I really wanted to call, but thought it would be weird. So I did the next best thing - I tore a page out of my sketch book and started writing a letter. Mika was singing on my iPod about saying goodbye to the world you thought you lived in and the penny dropped.

I think I was still angry. I thought I had a right to love and support and was furious when I did not get it. I had to let go. I never had rights. In the same way, I never had a right to health, a happy and loving family and a lot of other things I thought.

A day or two after I got back to South Africa, my friend sent me a text message saying she wanted to have coffee and just look me in the eyes, she wanted to tell me that I was forgiven and wanted to ask forgiveness. Obviously I assumed she got my letter and was really grateful that things were going to be fine.

Ten days after that, I got another message - she had just received my letter.

Coincidence? I don't think so. I think the Spirit of God stirred the same thing in both our hearts sitting a opposite ends of the globe. To me, this is a miracle. None of us 'made the first move'. None of us can take the honour. The Spirit of God was in the gentle breeze. He compelled, but did not force. I can assure you that I did not have goosebumps and I was so scared writing and mailing that letter.

We still didn't have that coffee, but we have been speaking. We'll spend some time next weekend and I look forward to it.

The cares of this world

We discussed Matthew 6 yesterday. In our community, we have often talked about money and not serving mammon. Every week, we acknowledge God as God and get up to throw money in a broken claypot ('telling' our bodies to serve God physically in doing so). I think we might be getting so used to this strange ritual that it is no longer a challenge or a conscious process.

After all the changes in my life over the past 18 months, I had an immense sense of instability and I think I allowed the cares of the world to grow wild in my life (jumping to Jesus' parable of the seed) to bring some stability. If there are things you always worry about, it creates a (false) sense of stability.

It is so easy to create these little pockets that are blindspots to others and consciously or unconsciously concealed in (your?) my own mind. I think this creates fertile ground for the cares of this world to flourish.

My challenge yesterday was and today is this - God is God. God can be trusted. God will not leave me in the lurch - He loves me. God can take care of me. He is bigger than the oil price, increasing rates & my medication. He is bigger than my job and all the earthly things I surround myself with. I am going to trust God - just today. Tomorrow, we can think about tomorrow...

Thinking together

Some people might find our community a little strange. We actually ask questions throughout the service. It is not part of the liturgy and the questions are not pre-arranged, they just happen. I love it.

I love the fact that we think together. I pray that God will help us to engage more with Him and one another. After all, the pastor / preacher is not the person with all the answers, God is.

I am not suggesting that we sit and wait for God to answer us audibly, but I think we are all equally responsible to get the answer. We live post Pentecost. We are all temples of the Ruah Jahwe. God is with all of us - equally.

Life after death

With my gran passing away so suddenly, I have been thinking about life and death. Usually I am not too perturbed about it, I think I'll see what happens when I get there.

However, this week I wondered if she is with my granddad? I wonder if they can somehow see that we are doing OK?

Silly and irrational, I know...

A full life

This morning my granny passed away. She wasn't really sick. She had a heart attack (in Douglas) and died in the ambulance on her way to hospital (in Kimberley, 100 km from there).

I loved her. She was very short and cried when she was happy and also cried when she was sad. She called a spade a spade and had the ability to recall little incidents from all 5 her children's lives as well as that of her 10 grandchildren.

I think the most important thing was that my granny prayed for me. She had a little black book and mentioned the names of all her children, her 'other children' (children in law) and her grandchildren before God at least twice a day.

I remember waking up to the murmur of voices in the kitchen on the farm where my granny sat at the table having coffee with whoever was awake. I remember seeing her on her knees, praying. I remember how bad she felt when she could no longer kneel to pray.

I loved her and am shocked by her sudden death, but I am grateful and rich for having known her.

London 2008

I am in London. I still love London. That is about the only thing that is still the same (in my life since my previous visit).

Generally speaking - I have a lot less to say these days. I have less answers, less bright ideas. I am less sure of relationships. I also have less to say to God. Not sure if this is good.

I tend to take almost everything at face value. I simply do not have the capacity to look beyond. Sometimes, I'll see an interesting argument, but not get directly involved, because I am not sure that I am coherent.

For now - I am in London. I walk a lot. Sometimes I think. I take pictures. I am attempting to read a book. One day at a time.

A new body

My friend, Jan, suffers from bipolar disorder. When I met him and his wife they were in ministry. They worked hard and were successful.

A few years later, Jan was diagnosed. Mental illness is not acceptable in many circles and understood in even less. Jan eventually had to leave the ministry. Over the past few years, the episodes became more frequent and more intense.

For the past 3 weeks, he was in hospital and on Monday, they moved him to a different facility.

My heart is broken. Every time this happens, all my questions about healing and all my doubts jump to top of my mind. I am reminded of my own brokenness.

Just for today, may God be with my friend, Jan, and all the other people like him. May God protect them from themselves and others. May they by reminded that there will come a day when our bodies will be made new and these things that hurt so much, will go away. May God comfort them and those who love them.

Finally - Sunday!

Easter is an uneasy time for the Church. It is a reminder of Jesus' death. Yesterday, I kept myself busy with little things that had to be done around home.

I thought of the disciples and how they must have spent the day. It was Sabbath and they could not go fishing. There movements would have been limited and their hope shattered. They would have had to deal with their consciences as well. Peter for denying that he knew Jesus, the others for running away.

It was a dark day.

However, today is Sunday! The Lord is risen. There is new hope and another chance.

Holy Week

This is only the third year I observe Holy Week. The first year I was astounded by the strange practices my friends observed. Last year, I was in London and spent the week mostly in and around St Paul's cathedral.

If you are not familiar with Holy Week or its origins, I can recommend this article: http://www.circleofprayer.com/holy-week.html. It is simple and straight forward.

This year, I am so aware of the fact that Jesus died for me when He was only 33. I am 33 next month. I am so aware of the fact that I did not deserve it. I am aware of my own sin and wrong doing. I know I need God and every day I am on this journey I need Him more.

I am humbled by Jesus' reaching out to me.

I am grateful for (Wednesday, 12 March 2008)

This exercise was more difficult than I anticipated. I tend to get bogged down easily these days and the past ten days was no exception to that.

However, I did wake up looking for things I could thank God for and realised how much I take for granted every day.

As we are approaching Holy Week, I am so aware of my own sinful thoughts and actions and that I would have no shot at a relationship with God if He did not reach out to me. I am rash and foolish and totally lost without God.

It is my prayer that God will help me to be truly grateful every day.

Today my granny is 80. I thank God for her.

I am grateful for (Sunday, 9 March 2008)

- My friend, Adri-Marie, and her gift of leading people in worship
- My friend, Tom, and his gift of teaching as well as his faithfulness in preparation
- The newest Kleiter, Jean-Marie
- Friends who love children and make Kleipot fun for them
- Sunday nap
- Our new staff
- Training opportunities
- Liquidizer
- Ice
- Towels

I am grateful for (Saturday, 8 March 2008)

- My brother
- My washing machine
- My tumble dryer
- Sunshine
- Rain
- Autumn
- My friends, Hugh-Jean & Sanja (they have been married for 15 months now)
- My friends, Andre and Nerina
- My friends, Jan & Yvonne
- My friends, Imo-Rhesa & Reece

I am grateful for (Friday, 7 March 2008)

- Laughter
- My friend, tannie Sulette, and her understanding
- My medication
- My doctor
- Decaf coffee
- Fruit juice
- David who washes my car
- The opportunity I had to study Theology
- Online Bibles and study helps
- My sister (who is coming to visit this weekend!)

I am grateful for (Thursday, 6 March 2008)

- My friend, Mariana, and her medical knowledge

- The opportunity to study Greek & Hebrew

- A community who wants to obey God

I am grateful for (Thursday, 6 March 2008)

- My friend, Mariana, and her medical knowledge
- The opportunity to study Greek & Hebrew
- Google!
- A community that endeavours to serve God
- My friend, Lorraine, who cleans my office
- Rubbish removal
- Art and the opportunity to do art
- My friend, Alida and all her children
- Laptops & proxima's (makes study sessions SOOO much easier)
- We are painting our complex

I am grateful for (Wednesday, 5 March 2008)

- Fresh fruit
- Fresh water
- Gym
- Soap
- Jacques is not hurt (after his motor accident)
- Traffic lights
- CD's and good music
- E-banking
- Flowers
- Hugo and Nina started crawling!

I am grateful for (Tuesday, 4 March 2008)

- Jesus, who came to live on earth by choice;
- Petrol for my car;
- Airconditioning;
- A comfortable chair at work;
- Colleagues;
- My intellect;
- Skills God helped me to acquire;
- Training institutions;
- Training opportunities;
- Prayer

I am grateful for (Monday, 3 March 2008)

- My friend, Lollie
- Dentists (never thought I'd say this!)
- Painkillers
- My cat, Thomas
- My bed
- Running water
- Electricity
- Tea
- Yoghurt
- Sleep

Ten things I am grateful for

It is so much easier to complain about things God is perceived not to do, than to stop and count my blessings.

For the next ten 10 I will endeavour to find ten unique (can't repeat what I listed before) things to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful for:

- friends who search for God's heart;
- my house;
- my car;
- my job;
- an accountability partner who really keeps me accountable;
- my Bible;
- that I can read;
- that I can write;
- access to a computer;
- access to the internet.

Lord, please help me to notice what is good in my life. Help me to truly grateful for it? In Jesus' Name, Amen

A short Celtic Prayer

King of Mysteries, who wast and art,

Before the elements, before the ages,

King eternal, comely in aspect,

Who reigns for ever, grant me three things:

Keenness to discern your will,

Wisdom to understand it,

Courage to follow where it leads.

Amen

Paul

Paul (pronounced Pole) is probably my best buddy. He turns 3 in April and when he laughs, the sun shines and I see God's smile.

His mom is my accountability partner and also a good friend. On Saturday morning we were having our monthly accountability chat. We were in the playroom with the kids (Paul's siblings - twins - are 8 months old).

Hugo and Nina were rolling around, trying to crawl and Paul was playing with different toys. At one stage Hugo accidentally kicked Nina and Paul (hands in the sides) told him not to kick his little sister. Shortly after that Paul wanted to take a car outside. He had to pass Hugo. He simply 'drove' the car up to Hugo and very politely said: "Skiesie, Hugo" (Excuse me, Hugo). Hugo, of course, can't even crawl and there was no way he could move aside so his big brother could pass.

I chuckled at the interaction, but this morning, when I prayed for my young friends, including Paul, Hugo & Nina, I was reminded of Jesus' words. The kingdom belongs to these little ones.

I am amazed by the earnest expectation in every request. Paul honestly believes that his brother will do what he asked - even when the grown ups smile their knowing smiles (because we think it is unlikely), he asks.

I stopped asking many things because I remember past experiences. I stopped asking because I think I know the likelihood of my requests being granted. I stopped asking because I don't know what other people will think of me. Yet, we have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

I love my young friend and he taught me an invaluable lesson without even knowing that he did. I pray that God will give me the eyes of a child.

Depression and Christianity

This is a difficult one.

Sometimes I wonder how God will judge me. Whilst drawing up my plan for spiritual growth, I was confronted by a new question - when am I stretching myself and making sacrifices and when am I irresposible?

When I take my tablets, sleep 8 hours per night, go to gym and eat fresh fruit and veggies, when I don't use alcohol and caffeine - I cope and I think I can be a Christian. When my prescription changes or I do not sleep 8 hours, do not go to gym and eat junk, when I use alcohol and caffeine, I get suicidal and I am very sure I can't be a Christian.

Example: A year ago I thought it was normal to get up at 4:00 and spend an hour with the Lord before work. I thought it was normal to be out and about 4-6 nights per week. I obviously did not sleep 8 hours per night.

I think my question is - how do I stretch myself without being irresponsible? Your thoughts?

Following your feet

In 'A knight's tale' there is a scene where young William is sent away with a knight. The boy's only concern is if he will ever find his home again. His father, knowing that this is his boy's only chance at a better life, told him to just follow his feet home.

When Will returns to London as a knight, he finds his way to his father's home and helps the now blind thatcher to fix his roof. He claims to have news from his son and then admits that he is Will and that he followed his feet home.

For many years I had trouble with 'being religious' and would rather do nothing than just go through the motions.

Today, I re-committed to my community. It scares me, because I am simply not the person who joined anymore. I have a history with people and with God. Simple things seem to be difficult. I no longer take the same things in my stride. Disciplines really take discipline. Seemingly simple things take concentration.

I did not have goose bumps, I did not hear God tell me to write my accountability partner's name in the journal. There was no divine message to help put the claypot together again. Yet I did.

I know I could not find God in isolation. I hope I am following my feet home, one step at a time. Somehow I hope that going through the motions, I find my way back.

And our pot? We put all the pieces back, glued it, really tried to fix it, but it will never be quite like before we broke it and wrote our prayers on the shards. Broken. Just like my life. A symbol of what God already knew before He started me on my journey home.

Psalm 16

A David Song

1-2 Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to you. I say to God, "Be my Lord!"
Without you, nothing makes sense.

3 And these God-chosen lives all around—
what splendid friends they make!

4 Don't just go shopping for a god.

Gods are not for sale.
I swear I'll never treat god-names
like brand-names.

5-6 My choice is you, God, first and only.
And now I find I'm your choice!
You set me up with a house and yard.
And then you made me your heir!

7-8 The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake
is confirmed by my sleeping heart.
Day and night I'll stick with God;
I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go.

9-10 I'm happy from the inside out,
and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed.
You canceled my ticket to hell—
that's not my destination!

11 Now you've got my feet on the life path,
all radiant from the shining of your face.
Ever since you took my hand,
I'm on the right way.

Translation taken from The Message

Appendicitis

When I was in standard 6 (grade 8), I had appendicitis and subsequently had my appendix removed. I knew that I was booked off school for 10 days, could not go on what would have been my first hike in the Drakensberg and could not do some of the exercises at netball practice for 6 weeks.

Although I experienced pain and discomfort and had to make sacrifices, I knew the timelines and treatment. There was no guessing or uncertainty. It was nothing to be ashamed of - people have appendices removed every day. It did not alienate me from my friends or God.

Why pick this (almost) forgotten memory now? Because I can't gage relationships right now. I do not know timelines, I don't know if I ever will be well again. I feel guilty about my tears when I have so much. There really aren't that many people who understand depression.

Being part of a team seems virtually impossible, because I am the weakest link. My relationship with God is on the rocks. It feels like He does the exact opposite of what I pray and since He is God, Omnipotent, Eternal and Perfect, the fault must be with me.

I feel guilty for even thinking these things, let alone post it or say it out loud.

I am a very broken claypot and I think some of the pieces might be lost forever. May God have mercy on me and those like me. May He give me the courage to go to sleep tonight and trust Him that the sun will shine again.

I want to want to

Theresa of Avila said: "Oh God, I don't love you, I don't even want to love you, but I want to want to love you..." This morning I understand a little of that.

I read the post on our community's site this morning (you can read it in my shared items) and I agree with everything Tom said. Yet, my plans and great ideas of a year ago are still haunting me. Jesus said his yoke is light and I love Nouwen's analogy of a child clearing a pen, but it feels difficult.

I am scared of failing again. I am scared of falling again. I am scared of isolation. I am scared to be with people. I am scared of life and looking it in the eye even once more.

I want to want to love God. I want to want to make Him Number One. I want to want to love my neighbour. I want to want to love myself.

May God have mercy on me and my neighbours today.

Friday

Lord, I am tired and confused
and I don't know why I can't hear you.
I am just too tired to keep trying now.
It feels like I am calling and searching in vain.
It feels like you are hiding from me.
I feel set up to fail in this life.
Please speak to me - open my eyes so I can see you...

Anxious heart

Lord, on a day like today my heart is anxious

and the waves seem HUGE

and I am sinking.

Today I am scared of my job and the markets are volatile,

I am scared of Africa and government's decisions,

I am scared of loadshedding and shortages in our country.

Yet, somewhere deep down, I know that you lead your people through a desert;

there were worse times in the market;

there was life before Eskom and electricity;

our future is not in the hands of the government - it is in your hands.

So Lord, please calm the storms in my heart.

Help me to see your hand?

Please give me courage and wisdom for today?

Please guide me and my friends through this rough patch?

Lord, without you all our efforts are in vain.

Without you life is simply not worth the effort.

Please extend your comfort and your love in this confusing day?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

The Lord is my Shepherd

Lord, if you are my Shepherd,

you are here with me.

A shepherd cannot watch over his flock with a webcam

nor follow them with a GPS connection.

If I think about the picture of a shepherd,

like David must have been -

the shepherd stayed out with the sheep,

lead them to water,

fended for them when wild animals came prowling

(endangering himself),

found food for them in barren landsacapes...

You told the story of the shepherd who left 99 sheep

to go looking for the missing one -

you said you will not break a bruised reed,

and you will not snuff outa smouldering wick.

When your friend, Lazarus, died - you wept.

Lord, I know you are sovereign.

You are God.

I cannot manipulate you.

But Lord, please have mercy on me?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

I want to know you more

Lord, I want to know you more.

I want to see you, hear you - experience you

in every possible way and area of my life.

Today - whilst I feel lost and alone,

please be -

Christ beside me

Christ before me

Christ behind me

Christ before me

Christ beneath me

Christ above me...

Christ in heart of all who meet me.

Please surround me with your love and compassion!

Please help me to face today?

Please strengthen my feeble heart and weak knees?

Please help me to know you and to love you?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

Expectations

I love my friend Tom's post on expectations! You can read it under my shared items.

It reminded me of what an old friend of mine always says, "If you expect more than the other person can or is prepared to give, you will be disappointed and there will be disarray". This is a theory I have often tested and every time she was proved right.

God is God. One of our lecturers used to say that God will never be bound by His Word, He always supercedes it. He will never be a puppet.

May God be God in my life.

I quit

Lord, I could never understand how winners never quit,

but you're supposed to quit while you're ahead.

This morning, I am not ahead. I am not a winner. I am the weakest link.

I am broken in my spirit and in my body and I am unfit to sign up to run the race this year.

I cannot sign up for a race I am pretty sure I can't complete.

Lord, I carry more burdens than a year ago, I still have injuries. I cannot do this.

Last night, I was listening to my friends talking about you

and what they believe you would like us to do this year.

I didn't have the guts to tell them it takes EVERYTHING I have

just to get up in the morning and face another day.

I didn't have the guts to tell them how often I thought of just ending it all.

I couldn't tell them that I don't have the guts to pray,

because just the opposite of what I ask seem to happen ALL the time.

Lord, I am the foreigner in Jerusalem

who do not have a clue of what is happening in their lives

and it is probably my own fault.

I alienated them when I closed up my life, trying to survive.

So Lord, today I quit. I can't do this anymore.

When I listen to them and how they pray for others,

I am reminded of what I am not and I can not.

I can not be a burden to a team, so I quit.

Yet, I have to ask you one more thing - please help me to live today,

to look life in the eye - just today, please Lord?

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Tuesday morning

Lord - You and I - we have a history.
You have always given bread for the coming day;
and though I face financial constraints, today I believe.
You have always given strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak and anxious in the wake of this new day, today I believe.
You have always given peace for the coming day;
You have always kept me safe in trials
even when I thought I would be overcome at any moment;
and now, tried as I am, today I believe.
You have always marked the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden and I am desperate to hear what you think about my
scheduled meetings and interviews , today I believe.
You have always lightened this darkness of mine; and though the night is here
and I can simply not see a way out or around it, today I believe.
You have always spoken when time was ripe; and though you be silent now and the world might think I am a looney wanting to hear voices, today I believe.
Lord, there is nothing I desire more than your presence, your smile, your love.
Today, even if I do not see or hear or feel you,
I believe because we have a history.

Amen

To medicate or not to medicate

This week the cocktail changed and I am really sick. Sometimes I wonder if the expense and all the discomfort of side effects is worth it.

On a good day, I am not suicidal and I cope with my world. My concentration is still not what it is supposed to be, I can't read a book - I keep paging back because I can't remember what happened. I forget stupid things, like which gym locker I used.

The only solution seems to be the medicine that cause nausea, headaches, dry mouth, hypertension, weight gain, night sweat and a ridiculous amount of other things. I always come back to the question of God and healing.

Why does He choose to heal some people and let others suffer? Why did He make people with 'latent defects'? I believe God is almighty. I believe God is good. However, all of this become just theory when all the side effects kick in and I feel like I am looking for God in vain. I search for Him, I hunger and thirst and I can't find Him.

Somebody spoke about the Song of songs the other day and said the lover did not really withdraw. She could just not see, hear, feel or smell him. She likened our experience of God being 'missing' to this. In my life, this just causes more questions. Why would a loving God withdraw in times when it is hard to get up in the morning and face a day?

So... to medicate or not to medicate? Skip all the side effects, but at what cost? Medicate ... at what (physical, financial and emotional) cost? Keep searching for God or fill the void left by His perceived absence with other things?

I need God. I need to know He loves me. I will probably never have answers to all hte other questions and at best I can hope to survive. I am disillusioned and sometimes even bitter. Yet, I always remain desperate for God. That is the constant, whether I medicate or not.

The prayer of a Trappist monk - Thomas Merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am folllowing your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen

A Celtic morning prayer

Have mercy on us O God, Father almighty,
immeasurable God,
patient God,
incorruptible God,
immortal God,
eternal God,
perfect God,
merciful God,
wonderful God,
heavenly Father, who abides in heaven,
Have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us O God, Father almighty,
God of earth,
God of fire,
God of the waters of wonder,
God of the gusting and blustering air,
God of the many languages found
throughout the world,
heavenly Father, you who abide in heaven,
Have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us, O God the Almighty,
Jesus Christ Son of the living God,
O true Knowledge.
O true Light of love, who enlightens all darkness,
O guiding Light,
O Sun of truth,
O Morning Star,
O Brightness of the divinity,
O Radiance of eternal brightness,
– O Christ crucified.
O eternal judge, have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us, O God the Almighty,
Jesus Christ Son of the living God.
O Angel of great counsel,
O true Prophet,
O true Apostle,
O true Teacher,
O High Priest,
O Nazarene,
O Christ crucified,
O eternal judge, have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us Almighty God,
O Holy Spirit,
O Teacher of true wisdom,
O Spirit of understanding,
O Spirit of Counsel,
O Spirit of strength,
O Spirit of knowledge,
O Spirit of tenderness,
– O Holy Spirit, who rules all creation, visible and invisible,
Have mercy on me.

Have mercy on us Almighty God,
O Holy Spirit,
O Spirit of love,
O Spirit of grace,
O Spirit, from whom all good comes,
O Spirit, who annuls all guilt,
O Spirit, who wipes out sin.

Have mercy!

Amen