Laurika Rauch (a well-known Afrikaans artist) recently released a new CD and I just love the track "God se kunskafee". It can be loosely translated as follows:
"It is five o'clock in the morning and God sits and paints
He treasures every drop of yellow-golden art
and hangs it on the heavens
for us to look at
I hear the creaking of a door and then Piet
shouts from the stable "We had rain!"
And as I wander through God's art cafe
I feel more and more blessed with every step,
because with a cup of coffee and a paintbrush
He sits there all day, thinking
how to show me His joy...
But uncle Ben's winefarm, with the old Cape-Dutch house,
He paints the most beautiful, after a long day's journey.
I walk past the image of a farmer on his John Deere
who hopefully ploughs the red earth
and I see dust, but smell the rain coming.
I hear the whistle of the workers bringing the cattle home
as the sun sets over the farm road.
And as I wander through God's art cafe
I feel more and more blessed with every step,
because with a cup of coffee and a paintbrush
He sits there all day, thinking
how to show me His joy...
But Dad's farm close to Leslie
where clay oxen bake in the sun
He paints the most beautiful, after a long day's hiking.
The painting of the full moon was ready long ago
And tonight He hung it behind the dark grey mountain.
I hear the crickets close by
and warm against my skin, the Bushveld passing by.
And as I wander through God's art cafe
I feel more and more blessed with every step,
because with a cup of coffee and a paintbrush
He sits there all day, thinking
how to show me His joy...
But the Meyers' game farm , at Vaalwater,
with the campfire and company
He paints the most beautiful, after a long day's driving."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It is not all bad...
Last week, I got a 'gel skin' for my laptop. It is an image of Van Gogh's "Starry night". When I see things like that, I remember that bipolar disorder is not all bad. Vincent van Gogh had bipolar disorder.
Jim Carey, Robin Williams, Virginia Woolf, Mark Twain, Sting, Peter Gabriel, Sinead O'Connor, Ludwig von Beethoven, Ben Stiller, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Carrie Fisher and loads of other well-known artists finds / found themselves in this crazy corner.
Last week I listened to a podcast of someone arguing that creativity is a side effect of bipolar disorder. I would not go that far, but I do know that I am fairly creative on a good day.
Somehow, being creative, makes me feel closer to God. It helps me to connect with Him. I think it makes me a better human being.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
All clear :-)
I saw my doctor this afternoon and she is happy with my progress :-) According to her I am as functional as possible and provided that I stick to all the rules, I should be fine.
This includes silly things like being in bed by 21:00, avoiding alcohol and caffeine and the whole list that I rambled off a gizillion times already.
We all know that 'should be' is only good until the next storm strikes. There are things I cannot control and the people around me cannot control.
But tonight, I celebrate God, I celebrate my dear friends who are there when things go well and when the wheels come off, I celebrate a good doctor and I celebrate progress.
This includes silly things like being in bed by 21:00, avoiding alcohol and caffeine and the whole list that I rambled off a gizillion times already.
We all know that 'should be' is only good until the next storm strikes. There are things I cannot control and the people around me cannot control.
But tonight, I celebrate God, I celebrate my dear friends who are there when things go well and when the wheels come off, I celebrate a good doctor and I celebrate progress.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Day 6 of MDP
The first MDP study block is almost over and cannot explain how grateful I am.
On Saturday I was in good spirits and enjoying life, the very next day my bubble was burst in the CSI game as I described in my previous post.
The lectures were brilliant and I learned a lot. We got to spend a day and a bit on one of the company's sites, which was really interesting.
The frustration started when were split into syndicates (in which we are doing an assignment that will last all year. The guys wanted to work late the night before last. Now, one of the things I need to do to remain healthy, is be in bed by 21:00. I know it. It caused a mini-explosion when I left at 22:00 to sleep.
Last night, one of the guys had put / asked for Vodka in my Tab (yes, it is my 'party drink') while I was dishing up food. When I commented that my cold drink tasted strange, they suggestedit might be the ice. I have just found out that they also told the waiter at breakfast that I do not really need decaf coffee.
Last night there was serious conflict between me and one of the guys in the team because I wanted to go to bed and they wanted to pull an all-nighter. I eventually went to bed just before midnight, resulting in me sleeping all of 4 hours. That is OK when I am (hypo)manic, but I am not.
The nett result is that I am tired, irritable, depressed and crying about everything. When I spoke to a friend this morning, I cried, just because she was nice. When I look at the bully, I cry. Fortunately I do not think they noticed yet. I feel hopeless and the worst part is that I know it is because I broke all the rules.
I do not know where Jesus is in all of this. I am trying to find Him and reach for Him, but I am somehow unable to connect. hopeless and know I should not be. At the same time, I do NOT understand God's selection processes. I do not know why I have bipolar disorder and I do think it is unfair.
I am considering withdrawing from the program, because of what this week did to me. However, I have learned that I should not take decisions when I am too high or too low.
Just a few hours and I will finally be home.
On Saturday I was in good spirits and enjoying life, the very next day my bubble was burst in the CSI game as I described in my previous post.
The lectures were brilliant and I learned a lot. We got to spend a day and a bit on one of the company's sites, which was really interesting.
The frustration started when were split into syndicates (in which we are doing an assignment that will last all year. The guys wanted to work late the night before last. Now, one of the things I need to do to remain healthy, is be in bed by 21:00. I know it. It caused a mini-explosion when I left at 22:00 to sleep.
Last night, one of the guys had put / asked for Vodka in my Tab (yes, it is my 'party drink') while I was dishing up food. When I commented that my cold drink tasted strange, they suggestedit might be the ice. I have just found out that they also told the waiter at breakfast that I do not really need decaf coffee.
Last night there was serious conflict between me and one of the guys in the team because I wanted to go to bed and they wanted to pull an all-nighter. I eventually went to bed just before midnight, resulting in me sleeping all of 4 hours. That is OK when I am (hypo)manic, but I am not.
The nett result is that I am tired, irritable, depressed and crying about everything. When I spoke to a friend this morning, I cried, just because she was nice. When I look at the bully, I cry. Fortunately I do not think they noticed yet. I feel hopeless and the worst part is that I know it is because I broke all the rules.
I do not know where Jesus is in all of this. I am trying to find Him and reach for Him, but I am somehow unable to connect. hopeless and know I should not be. At the same time, I do NOT understand God's selection processes. I do not know why I have bipolar disorder and I do think it is unfair.
I am considering withdrawing from the program, because of what this week did to me. However, I have learned that I should not take decisions when I am too high or too low.
Just a few hours and I will finally be home.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Who am I?
Today I was confronted with a proverbial mirror.
Before we came on MDP, we had a 360 review done. In case you are not entirely familiar with the concept, it includes reviews done by your subordinates, peers, manager and self. There weren't too many surprises when I got those results.
We also did a second assessment and that resulted in individualised "Insights training" reports, indicating your personality 'in colour'. You could be blue, red, yellow, green, or any combination of said colours.
What intrigued me, was the fact that they measured the 'active you' (i.e. what you project at work) and 'the less active you' (i.e. who you are at home / will probably be on a desert island) and then they measured the percentage difference between the two. The higher the percentage change, the more stress you will experience because of the discrepancy between who you are and who you have to project. Anything more than 45% indicates that you might have to look at alternatives. My discrepancy is 55.3%, but I am not quite ready to start looking.
The exercise prompted an avalanche of questions in my heart and mind: Who am I really? Do I remember my hopes and starry-eyed dreams? Are any of these worth reviving? What does Jesus think of my little juggling-act and all the hats I am trying to wear? Would He be OK with this? Who am I when the music fades and all is stripped away? Do I even know me?
I don't have any of the answers, but I am thinking about it... Tonight my heart and mind are racing and unsettled. Instead of asking Jesus to just calm me, I am praying that everything that was scratched and ripped open, prodded and stirred today, might lead to a better relationship between me and Jesus and me and my brothers and sisters.
So, even though I do not have much more than a bunch of questions tonight, I choose to trust God with this crazy rollercoaster discovery ride... here we go!
Before we came on MDP, we had a 360 review done. In case you are not entirely familiar with the concept, it includes reviews done by your subordinates, peers, manager and self. There weren't too many surprises when I got those results.
We also did a second assessment and that resulted in individualised "Insights training" reports, indicating your personality 'in colour'. You could be blue, red, yellow, green, or any combination of said colours.
What intrigued me, was the fact that they measured the 'active you' (i.e. what you project at work) and 'the less active you' (i.e. who you are at home / will probably be on a desert island) and then they measured the percentage difference between the two. The higher the percentage change, the more stress you will experience because of the discrepancy between who you are and who you have to project. Anything more than 45% indicates that you might have to look at alternatives. My discrepancy is 55.3%, but I am not quite ready to start looking.
The exercise prompted an avalanche of questions in my heart and mind: Who am I really? Do I remember my hopes and starry-eyed dreams? Are any of these worth reviving? What does Jesus think of my little juggling-act and all the hats I am trying to wear? Would He be OK with this? Who am I when the music fades and all is stripped away? Do I even know me?
I don't have any of the answers, but I am thinking about it... Tonight my heart and mind are racing and unsettled. Instead of asking Jesus to just calm me, I am praying that everything that was scratched and ripped open, prodded and stirred today, might lead to a better relationship between me and Jesus and me and my brothers and sisters.
So, even though I do not have much more than a bunch of questions tonight, I choose to trust God with this crazy rollercoaster discovery ride... here we go!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Management development programme - Day 1
In the beginning of the year I was selected to do my company's management development programme this year. Today the first of 3 study blocks started.
As is the case with (I believe) all these courses, we started with an icebreaker. Initially I just loved it... we were playing CSI with real experiments, clues, crime scene tape, etc. The game lasted more than 5 hours and we were all genuinely engaged in this intriguing activity (as opposed to the speakers before ;-)).
It was all fun until we 'discovered more evidence'. I thought I recognised it even though I am sure it is just a 'look alike'. I played lab tech myself, ran the test on it and 'discovered it was lithium'.
The 'research assistent' found the (computer) file on lithium and all the facts seemed to be true. When she read that it is used for the treatment of bipolar disorder, one of the guys said, 'This is it. The looney is our guy. He's not stable and thinks he is two people'. I was about to point out the glaring misnoma re bipolar and schizophrynia and then decided to bite my tongue.
I was in a room with 25 of my company's bright young middle managers and I watched how they jumped on the bandwagon. It had to be the looney who heard voices and saw people who don't necessarily exist. It was definitely the crazy person.
So? So, it initially kind of hurt. I almost immediately realised I can never let my guard down in this crowd. So, I really wish people were more educated with regards to mental diseases. Information is really easy to come buy when you look.
In case you were wondering, no - the person with bipolar disorder did not do it.
As is the case with (I believe) all these courses, we started with an icebreaker. Initially I just loved it... we were playing CSI with real experiments, clues, crime scene tape, etc. The game lasted more than 5 hours and we were all genuinely engaged in this intriguing activity (as opposed to the speakers before ;-)).
It was all fun until we 'discovered more evidence'. I thought I recognised it even though I am sure it is just a 'look alike'. I played lab tech myself, ran the test on it and 'discovered it was lithium'.
The 'research assistent' found the (computer) file on lithium and all the facts seemed to be true. When she read that it is used for the treatment of bipolar disorder, one of the guys said, 'This is it. The looney is our guy. He's not stable and thinks he is two people'. I was about to point out the glaring misnoma re bipolar and schizophrynia and then decided to bite my tongue.
I was in a room with 25 of my company's bright young middle managers and I watched how they jumped on the bandwagon. It had to be the looney who heard voices and saw people who don't necessarily exist. It was definitely the crazy person.
So? So, it initially kind of hurt. I almost immediately realised I can never let my guard down in this crowd. So, I really wish people were more educated with regards to mental diseases. Information is really easy to come buy when you look.
In case you were wondering, no - the person with bipolar disorder did not do it.
Monday, March 08, 2010
My favorite quote from Alice in Wonderland
"My dear, I'm terribly sad to say you've indeed gone mad, insane, bonkers, but let me tell you a secret... all the best people are."
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Being in transit
I love travelling. I love seeing new places (even more so if they are in Ireland), but there is a problem: I simply hate being in transit.
There is something about being in limbo that really unsettles me. After 'leaving' South Africa (past passport and border control), I would have loved to immediately go into another country. I wish there was a way to cut out the process in the middle.
Recently I developed a little motion sickness and on every second or third flight, I get sick as a dog. I would also like it if I knew upfront who would sit next to me, which movies would be available, etc. I have never liked the unknown.
Add to this the uncertainty of what the 'other side' looks like, my anxiety about being there on time so as to not leave my hosts / friends waiting and you almost have a reason to stay at home.
The excitement of duty free malls faded quickly. I usually walk listlessly up and down until I can finally board and only settle down once I am officially elsewhere.
Once you went through passport control, there is no going back and only travellers may pass this point.
Yet, even though I practically hate being in transit, I have always loved the destination.
Our community is in transit at the moment. I think we are excited about where we are going, but we might be experiencing a little turbulence at the moment.
See, for years we were a bunch of rich mainly Gen X'ers meeting in a community hall in a rich white area on Sundays. Yet, we were saying for years that we need to become multi-cultural and even changed our language to facilitate the process. We said that we are trying to discover Who Jesus is in a South African context. We said that church is not a place where we meet on Sundays, it is a verb and we need to live it.
For years, saying these things did not move us an inch... so we embarked on a journey. We lifted our tentpens, we went through passport control... and now we are in limbo. It is uncomfortable here, but hey, it is only the journey, not the destination. We went through passport control and there is no going back.
What does the destination look like? No idea, to be honest... BUT 3 things will be there:
- We will LIVE church
- We will be multi-cultural
- We will strive to Follow Jesus in a South African context
In the meantime, please pray with us about this adventure and our (next) destination?
There is something about being in limbo that really unsettles me. After 'leaving' South Africa (past passport and border control), I would have loved to immediately go into another country. I wish there was a way to cut out the process in the middle.
Recently I developed a little motion sickness and on every second or third flight, I get sick as a dog. I would also like it if I knew upfront who would sit next to me, which movies would be available, etc. I have never liked the unknown.
Add to this the uncertainty of what the 'other side' looks like, my anxiety about being there on time so as to not leave my hosts / friends waiting and you almost have a reason to stay at home.
The excitement of duty free malls faded quickly. I usually walk listlessly up and down until I can finally board and only settle down once I am officially elsewhere.
Once you went through passport control, there is no going back and only travellers may pass this point.
Yet, even though I practically hate being in transit, I have always loved the destination.
Our community is in transit at the moment. I think we are excited about where we are going, but we might be experiencing a little turbulence at the moment.
See, for years we were a bunch of rich mainly Gen X'ers meeting in a community hall in a rich white area on Sundays. Yet, we were saying for years that we need to become multi-cultural and even changed our language to facilitate the process. We said that we are trying to discover Who Jesus is in a South African context. We said that church is not a place where we meet on Sundays, it is a verb and we need to live it.
For years, saying these things did not move us an inch... so we embarked on a journey. We lifted our tentpens, we went through passport control... and now we are in limbo. It is uncomfortable here, but hey, it is only the journey, not the destination. We went through passport control and there is no going back.
What does the destination look like? No idea, to be honest... BUT 3 things will be there:
- We will LIVE church
- We will be multi-cultural
- We will strive to Follow Jesus in a South African context
In the meantime, please pray with us about this adventure and our (next) destination?
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