A short Celtic Prayer

King of Mysteries, who wast and art,

Before the elements, before the ages,

King eternal, comely in aspect,

Who reigns for ever, grant me three things:

Keenness to discern your will,

Wisdom to understand it,

Courage to follow where it leads.

Amen

Paul

Paul (pronounced Pole) is probably my best buddy. He turns 3 in April and when he laughs, the sun shines and I see God's smile.

His mom is my accountability partner and also a good friend. On Saturday morning we were having our monthly accountability chat. We were in the playroom with the kids (Paul's siblings - twins - are 8 months old).

Hugo and Nina were rolling around, trying to crawl and Paul was playing with different toys. At one stage Hugo accidentally kicked Nina and Paul (hands in the sides) told him not to kick his little sister. Shortly after that Paul wanted to take a car outside. He had to pass Hugo. He simply 'drove' the car up to Hugo and very politely said: "Skiesie, Hugo" (Excuse me, Hugo). Hugo, of course, can't even crawl and there was no way he could move aside so his big brother could pass.

I chuckled at the interaction, but this morning, when I prayed for my young friends, including Paul, Hugo & Nina, I was reminded of Jesus' words. The kingdom belongs to these little ones.

I am amazed by the earnest expectation in every request. Paul honestly believes that his brother will do what he asked - even when the grown ups smile their knowing smiles (because we think it is unlikely), he asks.

I stopped asking many things because I remember past experiences. I stopped asking because I think I know the likelihood of my requests being granted. I stopped asking because I don't know what other people will think of me. Yet, we have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

I love my young friend and he taught me an invaluable lesson without even knowing that he did. I pray that God will give me the eyes of a child.

Depression and Christianity

This is a difficult one.

Sometimes I wonder how God will judge me. Whilst drawing up my plan for spiritual growth, I was confronted by a new question - when am I stretching myself and making sacrifices and when am I irresposible?

When I take my tablets, sleep 8 hours per night, go to gym and eat fresh fruit and veggies, when I don't use alcohol and caffeine - I cope and I think I can be a Christian. When my prescription changes or I do not sleep 8 hours, do not go to gym and eat junk, when I use alcohol and caffeine, I get suicidal and I am very sure I can't be a Christian.

Example: A year ago I thought it was normal to get up at 4:00 and spend an hour with the Lord before work. I thought it was normal to be out and about 4-6 nights per week. I obviously did not sleep 8 hours per night.

I think my question is - how do I stretch myself without being irresponsible? Your thoughts?

Following your feet

In 'A knight's tale' there is a scene where young William is sent away with a knight. The boy's only concern is if he will ever find his home again. His father, knowing that this is his boy's only chance at a better life, told him to just follow his feet home.

When Will returns to London as a knight, he finds his way to his father's home and helps the now blind thatcher to fix his roof. He claims to have news from his son and then admits that he is Will and that he followed his feet home.

For many years I had trouble with 'being religious' and would rather do nothing than just go through the motions.

Today, I re-committed to my community. It scares me, because I am simply not the person who joined anymore. I have a history with people and with God. Simple things seem to be difficult. I no longer take the same things in my stride. Disciplines really take discipline. Seemingly simple things take concentration.

I did not have goose bumps, I did not hear God tell me to write my accountability partner's name in the journal. There was no divine message to help put the claypot together again. Yet I did.

I know I could not find God in isolation. I hope I am following my feet home, one step at a time. Somehow I hope that going through the motions, I find my way back.

And our pot? We put all the pieces back, glued it, really tried to fix it, but it will never be quite like before we broke it and wrote our prayers on the shards. Broken. Just like my life. A symbol of what God already knew before He started me on my journey home.

Psalm 16

A David Song

1-2 Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to you. I say to God, "Be my Lord!"
Without you, nothing makes sense.

3 And these God-chosen lives all around—
what splendid friends they make!

4 Don't just go shopping for a god.

Gods are not for sale.
I swear I'll never treat god-names
like brand-names.

5-6 My choice is you, God, first and only.
And now I find I'm your choice!
You set me up with a house and yard.
And then you made me your heir!

7-8 The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake
is confirmed by my sleeping heart.
Day and night I'll stick with God;
I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go.

9-10 I'm happy from the inside out,
and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed.
You canceled my ticket to hell—
that's not my destination!

11 Now you've got my feet on the life path,
all radiant from the shining of your face.
Ever since you took my hand,
I'm on the right way.

Translation taken from The Message

Appendicitis

When I was in standard 6 (grade 8), I had appendicitis and subsequently had my appendix removed. I knew that I was booked off school for 10 days, could not go on what would have been my first hike in the Drakensberg and could not do some of the exercises at netball practice for 6 weeks.

Although I experienced pain and discomfort and had to make sacrifices, I knew the timelines and treatment. There was no guessing or uncertainty. It was nothing to be ashamed of - people have appendices removed every day. It did not alienate me from my friends or God.

Why pick this (almost) forgotten memory now? Because I can't gage relationships right now. I do not know timelines, I don't know if I ever will be well again. I feel guilty about my tears when I have so much. There really aren't that many people who understand depression.

Being part of a team seems virtually impossible, because I am the weakest link. My relationship with God is on the rocks. It feels like He does the exact opposite of what I pray and since He is God, Omnipotent, Eternal and Perfect, the fault must be with me.

I feel guilty for even thinking these things, let alone post it or say it out loud.

I am a very broken claypot and I think some of the pieces might be lost forever. May God have mercy on me and those like me. May He give me the courage to go to sleep tonight and trust Him that the sun will shine again.