Appendicitis

When I was in standard 6 (grade 8), I had appendicitis and subsequently had my appendix removed. I knew that I was booked off school for 10 days, could not go on what would have been my first hike in the Drakensberg and could not do some of the exercises at netball practice for 6 weeks.

Although I experienced pain and discomfort and had to make sacrifices, I knew the timelines and treatment. There was no guessing or uncertainty. It was nothing to be ashamed of - people have appendices removed every day. It did not alienate me from my friends or God.

Why pick this (almost) forgotten memory now? Because I can't gage relationships right now. I do not know timelines, I don't know if I ever will be well again. I feel guilty about my tears when I have so much. There really aren't that many people who understand depression.

Being part of a team seems virtually impossible, because I am the weakest link. My relationship with God is on the rocks. It feels like He does the exact opposite of what I pray and since He is God, Omnipotent, Eternal and Perfect, the fault must be with me.

I feel guilty for even thinking these things, let alone post it or say it out loud.

I am a very broken claypot and I think some of the pieces might be lost forever. May God have mercy on me and those like me. May He give me the courage to go to sleep tonight and trust Him that the sun will shine again.