Friday, December 31, 2010

Celtic prayer for 2011

CELTIC BLESSING
(author unknown - translated by Charles Mitchell)

"I wish you not a path devoid of clouds,
Nor a life on a bed of roses,
not that you might never need regret,
nor that you should never feel pain.
No, that is not my wish for you.
My wish for you is:
That you might be brave in times of trial,
when others lay crosses upon your shoulders.
When mountains must be climbed,
and chasms are to be crossed.
When hope can scarce shine through.
That your gift God gave you
Might grow along with you
and let you give the gift of joy
to all who care for you.
That you may always have a friend
who is worth that name.
Whom you can trust, and who helps
you in times of sadness.
Who will defy the storms
of daily life at your side.
One more wish I have for you
that in every hour of joy and pain
you may feel God close to you.
This is my wish for you,
and all who care for you.
This is my hope for you,
Now and forever."
**********

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I believe

I believe in the sun -
even when it is not shining.
I believe in love -
even when not feeling it.
I believe in God -
even when He is silent.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Robben Island

Last week my brother got married. He lives in the UK, but they wanted a South African ceremony.

Being in Cape Town for the wedding, I made use of the opportunity to see Robben Island. Nelson Mandela, Madiba, spent 18 years in a small cell on the island. The tour was both insightful and touching. All the important sites are pointed out from a bus until you reach the prison and meet someone who was imprisoned there as a 'political prisoner'. I cannot meet a person like that nor visit a place like Robben Island without feeling sincere regret for the sins of Apartheid.

After the visit to the prison, you walk back to the ferry. On Tuesday morning the rain was pouring down and with the wind became almost horizontal. As I walked into the rain and got soaking wet, I felt more alive than I did in weeks.

Maybe seeing a physical prison helped. Maybe the rain, washing away my cobwebs did the trick. My new cocktail (meds) might have kicked in. I choose to believe that God did a miracle. It does not matter what He used to do so.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Darkness

I am in a dark place. What started as a mixed episode (up and down), now went black.

It is difficult to relate to God, my community, my friends - even colleagues. I am finding more and more reasons to avoid just about every important person in my life. If I am tired of my dark mood, how must they feel?

I am about to give up on myself. I am tired of fighting a fight I cannot win. I battle to see any sense or purpose. Just tired. And dark.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Parachute

For the past month I had fun. I was living and working fast. I had lots of ideas and the energy to implement them. It was great. In a picture, it was a bit like freefalling out of a plane. It was bound to end.

What I did not know, was that I was flushing the lithium out of my system and this freefalling had no brake.

(Un)fortuntely my doctor realised what was going on and made changes to my diet and how much liquid I am allowed to drink. It is torture - I am constantly thirsty and suddenly have headaches.

In addition to this, the parachute opened. I had a wild jerk back to reality and my speed is broken.

In the long run, I understand that I need a parachute. In the short term, I really had fun and I miss the pace. My mind slowed down, I need to read the same paragraph three times over just to grasp it. I think slower. My studies scare me, because truthfully, I'm not sure I can pull it off.

As a side effect of another drug, I am having nightmares and wake up too anxious to go back to sleep.

And then... I still have the same questions - where is God in the chaos of my life? What does He think of all the chemicals I take and the person I become? Is all of this really worth it?

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

South Africa

Last night my brother commented on South Africa on Facebook. He hates the fact that South Africa is always portrayed as a third world country and there is always a lady in a shack talking about her 17 chilfren and how hungry they are on the news. My brother has been living in London for 9 years.

My perception of South Africa is totally different. I love South Africa and I love being South African.

This nation has come a long way. I can remember the Apartheid laws and the fear when they were scrapped one by one. I can remember Nelson Mandela's release and the 'white agitation'. I remember the years prior to the first democratic election, the fights between black and black as well as black and white. I remember that first election and the belief that a war will erupt.

Subsequently, I saw a nation being built. I saw black and white hands extended. There were books written on both sides of the divide. Nelson Mandela, Madiba, wrote his "Long walk to Freedom", Bishop Desmond Tutu wrote "God has a dream" (and one the most amazing experiences was hearing this black man say: "God loves you...". Then there was Antjie Krog and so many others on the 'white end'.

I see people befriending people despite colour. I see efforts being made to understand culture and language. I see common ground and I see a melting pot.

Yes, we have poor people. Yes, we do have people with 17 children. Are we helping them? I believe we are. One at a time. However, we are more than this, we are a nation. We love, we laugh, we learn.

Sport was and is always a huge factor in binding us together. As I am writing this, I hear the sound of vuvuzelas being blown. This was originally an 'instrument' associated with soccer, but I saw and heard it at the Super 14 rugby as well. Sport is big in this country, but I can never discount God's hand in the mending of a nation. I don't even want to think of what could have happened if it wasn't for Him.

Nkosi sikeleli Afrika.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

My friend, Jan

I love my friend, Jan. I have known Jan and his wife, Yvonne for the past 15 years. When I met them, I was a student and they the new pastor and his wife.

Since then a lot of things happened. Jan has bipolar disorder and was only correctly diagnosed almost 5 years after his first breakdown. Jan cannot minister any longer. There is a lot of things he can no longer do, but he remains one of the sharpest brains I know. He wrote the bulk of my previous 3 posts. Yet, when Jan has a lot of people around him, he gets nervous and then his hands start shaking (side effect of lithium). He therefore spends his time mostly on his own or with the occasional friend.

Yvonne works fulltime and supports him. It used to be the other way around, but they both seem to have taken this in their stride.

When I first got sick, they were two of the amazing people who insisted I see a doctor. They also told me they think I have bipolar disorder two years before I was diagnosed. We can compare drugs and talk about side effects. We can discuss alternative therapies like ECT's without any frowns.

When I am too weak, I know that they will somehow be there. The opposite is also true. Their journey gives me hope for mine.

So why am I telling you this? Firstly, I want to acknowledge these amazing people. Secondly, Jan has to have a shoulder operation tomorrow. We don't know if there will be side effects, but the op needs to be done.

So, when you say your prayers tonight, please remember my dear friends, Jan and Yvonne?

Monday, May 31, 2010

A borrowed tale (Sisyphus / Camus 3/3)

Listening to the myth of Sisyphus, Camus and Hume conclude that the rational man will in all likelihood commit suicide. What kind of existence is it where one will never win, never beat the odds, never achieve?

Their next assumption surprises me more. They say that the strong man will keep rolling that rock up the hill, knowing that the rock will come down again.

Living with bipolar disorder is like rolling that rock up a hill and every time you (I) think (you) I have conquered, the rock comes down and you need to jump to get out of its way.

Living with bipolar is a fight to get to the top. To conquer circumstances and every now and again the disease.

So what should I then take away from this tale?

Maybe that the rock will come down? Maybe that I should start over and try again when that happens? Maybe I should learn from Camus and make peace with this senseless existence where I need to do the same things over and over?

In all of this, I pray that God will be close to you and to me, that He will help us to make sense of this life.

A borrowed tale (Sisyphus / Camus 2/3)

Should we, in possession of a sound mind and with complete freedom of will, kill ourselves? To an inhabitant of Britain in the early 21st century, curled up on a sofa with a glass of wine and the TV remote control within easy reach, the question sounds laughable. To a condemned man facing the gallows or firing squad, the question is perhaps even more ridiculous. However, look more closely and it becomes apparent that the entire history of Western philosophy is contained within this question. As individuals, as members of a society and as a species we seek meaning [1]. From the earliest Socratic dialogues to post-Modernist contextual analyses Western philosophy is driven by a search for meaning within the human experience: in our inner lives, and in our interactions with each other and the world. Enormously powerful religious, political and philosophical structures have been built on the foundations of this search.

For at least four thousand years the idea of a higher level of intelligence - a single benevolent God or a pantheon of deities with different characters and interests – has provided a tremendously powerful source of meaning in the everyday life of the human race. But what would be the consequences for human life if the foundations of this meaning were to crumble? If meaning derives from a particular faith, or inheres in a particular relationship, what happens if this faith is destroyed, or if this relationship is broken? The suicide implied in this question is not a response to mental illness, or to intolerable grief. It is a rational choice, made with the realisation that life has no higher meaning. If life is genuinely meaningless, why should we tolerate the pain, disappointments and sheer hard slog of our day-to-day existence? Is it not better to put a final end to our weltschmerz?

So far, this discussion has been in fairly abstract terms. It is now time to place the question in a historical and subjective context. For a variety of reasons, 19th-century Europe experienced a decline in Christian faith. As the 19th century turned into the 20th century, many Christian observers wrote of their hopes for a revival of faith, and described the new moral order that they believed would bring together all nations. From the perspective of the 21st century it is apparent that these hopes were horribly misplaced. Through mechanised and impersonal wars on a global scale, through economic depression, through brutal totalitarian regimes, the ability of traditional systems of morality and meaning to provide answers was questioned. How could science claim to represent objective progress, if what it gave the world was the machine-gun, Zyklon-B, long-range bombers and the atom bomb? How could a loving God allow the deaths of millions of soldiers in pointless battles over a few hundred yards of mud? If every event was part of some higher scheme, what sort of benevolent deity (no matter how ineffable) could condemn six million human beings to a terrifying and ultimately pointless death? As Primo Levi has pointed out: if God is omnipresent, He was in the gas chambers of Auschwitz.

This dissatisfaction with conventional morality was present on the personal, as well as philosophical, level. In the vast Western industrial and post-industrial societies, the concept of personal freedom and individuality became compromised. In the face of mass conformity – the ‘herd morality’, as Martin Heidegger described it – could each individual assert his or her own unique identity? At the start of the century an increasingly pessimistic Friedrich Nietzsche had prophesied ‘the death of God’, and the events following his prediction had for many destroyed any possibility of faith in a benevolent creator. The question of meaning was once again raised. Where could the human race look for truth, for knowledge, for some comprehension of what had happened? Religious belief provided little more than a dead end. Science and rationality seemed empty after so much incomprehensible suffering. Political and social structures provided no answers; were they not to blame, at least in part, for encouraging hatred and division? This problem – the source of meaning in a Godless universe – was at the core of existentialist theory, and was addressed directly by Albert Camus in The Myth of Sisyphus.

Existentialism is perhaps one of the most misrepresented schools of philosophy. The word alone conjures up images of sour-faced Frenchmen in black polonecks, sitting in boulevard cafes and holding forth on the pointlessness of existence whilst puffing on a Gauloise. On a more serious level, existentialism is often depicted as a bleak and nihilistic world-view, dismissing human life as meaningless and ethics as an illusion. However, even a cursory reading of the key existentialist texts does not support these criticisms. The father of existentialism, Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855), was a fundamentalist Christian whose stated aim was ‘to go back into the monastery out of which Luther broke’ – in other words, to return to the stark, uncompromising beliefs of pre-Reformation Christianity. Although the movement later became avowedly atheistic in outlook, Kierkegaard’s ideas provided the framework in which later writers such as Camus and Sartre operated. To understand their outlook, it is therefore necessary to take at least a brief look at this structure.

Kierkegaard’s work began as a reaction to the rationalist school of Immanuel Kant and George Hegel. Opposing Kant’s notion of religious faith as an essentially rational concept, Kierkegaard claimed that faith was necessarily irrational. It could not be subject to logical analysis and proof, as this would destroy its meaning. Faith, he asserted, should be a matter of fervent devotion, a ‘leap in the dark’. True existence is not just ‘being there’. Each individual must choose his or her way of life freely, and be passionately committed to it. In asserting the primacy of the individual and their free choice, Kierkegaard also created a notion of ‘subjective truth’ [2]. The ethical choices that confront humans on a day-to-day basis are not accessible to reason and cannot be shown to have ‘true’ or ‘false’ answers. Such choices cannot therefore be made on rational grounds, but rather should be resolutions in the face of the objectively unknown.

Even this very brief description of Kierkegaard’s existentialism demonstrates the great importance he attributed to meaning and morality. Existentialism does not assert that all choices are meaningless: rather, it insists that individuals take complete responsibility for their choices, and do not attempt to disguise their motives with false claims of rationality. Unlike so many western philosophers, Kierkegaard insists on the primacy of feelings, of angst and irrationality, of living life passionately despite the unavoidability of uncertainty. Paradoxically, despite Kierkegaard’s intense Christianity there is nothing within his philosophy that demands religious belief. An existentialist world-view is as capable of accommodating the most ardent believer as it is the most dutiful sceptic.

This theme of existentialism was developed not only in philosophy, but also in some of the most important literature of the period. In The Brothers Karamazov (1880) Fyodor Dostoyevsky explored the tensions between the conservative Russian ruling classes and a younger generation coming to terms with the irrationality of everyday life. Much of Leo Tolstoy’s writings (in particular the monumental War and Peace (1869)) are suffused with a sense of absurdity: he portrays the human race as a mass of isolated individuals cast adrift in a world that neither loves nor hates them, but rather is completely indifferent to their sufferings. In the early decades of the 20th century existentialism as a philosophy developed in this direction. Kierkegaard’s profound belief in the existence of a benevolent creator was differentiated from the ‘leap of faith’ necessary to imbue life with meaning.

Any history of existentialism in the 20th century must have as a central theme the influence of world events on the development of this philosophy. I raised this point at the start of the essay, but it is worth restating it here. Existentialism is frequently described as a philosophy of ‘response’: the response of a species that desires meaning and comprehension to the revelation that the Universe is ultimately devoid of higher meaning and order. However, it must also be seen as a response on a practical, as well as abstract, level to the political and military crises of the time in which it developed. The two most important 20th-century existentialist writers, Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, lived under Nazi occupation for much of the Second World War (in Paris and Algeria respectively). Rather than dismiss what they saw around them as anomalies in an otherwise rational and ordered universe, they saw the Nazi atrocities as expressions of human choice – the choice to act immorally [3].

It was in the bleakest years of the Second World War – 1942 and 1943 – that the most influential Existentialist texts were published. Sartre’s Being and Time (1943) is a remarkable statement of optimism and human freedom in the midst of meaninglessness and despair. Like Kierkegaard, Sartre emphasized the importance of individual uniqueness rather than mere mediocrity and conformity. An individual, he argued, is always free to choose (the only freedom he lacks is to not choose), and can always ‘negate’ (or reject) his own characteristics and those of the world he lives in. The ‘meaning of life’ is not something bestowed upon the human race by a higher power, but is created in our actions, our choices and, most importantly, in our commitment to the choices we make. However, this freedom is tempered by a great responsibility: the responsibility to stand by the choices we make and to remain ‘authentic’ or true to ourselves. It is in making choices, in asserting our ultimate freedom in the face of an uncaring world, that human life can be lived in its fullest and richest sense.

Sartre also introduced the notion of angst into his philosophy. Critics of existentialism have frequently taken angst to represent the ultimate pointlessness of life, and used it as an example of the pessimistic nature of existentialism. A reading of Being and Time shows the reverse to be true. Angst (or weltschmerz – world pain) is an idea employed by many different philosophies under several guises. In Christianity it represents the vestiges of original sin within the human soul. Life is ‘nasty, brutish and short’ (in the words of Thomas Hobbes) because human nature is essentially sinful, and needs to be saved in order to be happy and enjoy eternal life. Sartre hated the concept of original sin. He argued that angst is the natural response of the individual to the realisation that his search for higher meaning and order in the universe is ultimately pointless. However, this is not a reason to despair. Angst is a symptom of freedom, a powerful demonstration that life is being lived in complete self-awareness, and should be accepted and celebrated.

Camus’ first major work, L’Etranger (1942), proposed a rather more defiant model of existentialism. Whilst adopting Sartre’s essentially optimistic view of existence, Camus went a stage further. He argued that, although human life could be made meaningful in the way that Sartre described, death made all actions ultimately futile. The only response was to accept that we are all ‘condemned to death’. Once this occurred every individual should rebel against this ‘ultimate negation’, throw themselves into life and with every choice affirm their existence in the face of death. Camus described this human battle with ultimate meaninglessness and indifference as the Absurd.

The Myth of Sisyphus, also published in 1942, is perhaps the clearest statement of Camus’ philosophy of the Absurd. In it, Camus directly addressed the question that began this essay: should we commit suicide? His answer to the question is a powerful argument for optimism, and a complex rhetorical and polemical rejection of the need for faith in a higher power. Unlike many works of philosophy, Camus is overwhelmingly concerned with the impact of his ideas on everyday life. His existentialism is essentially a way to live, a mode of thinking for coping with the harsh and confusing realities of everyday life. But it is also an elegant and minimalist piece of theory, rejecting abstruse philosophical concepts in favour of the basic truths of human existence.

Camus begins with the image of Sisyphus. A mythical King of Corinth, Sisyphus scorned the Gods and escaped from the Underworld. He was condemned to spend all of eternity pushing a rock up a mountain, only for it to roll back down to the bottom. There was no end in sight for Sisyphus, no respite and no sense that what he was doing had any meaning. This is the metaphor that Camus chooses for humanity. If we discard the notion of God, Heaven and Hell, we are left with a titanic and lifelong struggle that, ultimately, we are condemned to lose. Death comes not as a release from our struggle, but as a negation of all that we accomplish by our efforts. Against all this, Camus asks, in the face of death and in the full knowledge that we are defeated before we begin, can we be happy?

We can. Life is not absurd; the Absurd is life. This painful and futile struggle that we are all condemned to participate in (for, as Sartre pointed out, the only choice that is denied to us is to opt out) is all that we know. It is the only reality we have; all else is faith. In this world, Camus’ individual is forced to confront the limitations of his knowledge:

I don’t know whether this world has a meaning that transcends it. But I know that I cannot know that meaning and that it is impossible for me just now to know it. What can a meaning outside my condition mean to me? I can understand only in human terms… I do not want to found anything on the incomprehensible. I want to know whether I can live with what I know and with that alone.’ [4]

No invocation of an Absolute Reality; no Categorical Imperatives or Creators. Camus is determined to use only what he can know to answer his question. There can be no appeal to religious faith, based as it is on centuries of tradition and dogma. It is at this point that he finally parts company with the religious existentialism of Kierkegaard. Where Kierkegaard finds comfort in the notion of a benevolent Creator, Camus sees nothing but nostalgia, a fond memory of the illusion of order.

Awareness of the Absurd is a one-way street. There can be no ‘leap of faith’, no return to belief: to do so would be self-delusory. Indeed, Camus describes religious belief in the face of the Absurd as ‘philosophical suicide’. Consistency, authenticity, self-awareness – these form the basis of the Absurd life. Another quote from Primo Levi (himself a lifelong atheist) provides an eloquent example of what Camus is driving at. In October 1944 Levi was arrested and sent to Auschwitz. As the camp doctor examined him, deciding whether he would be gassed or sent to work, Levi found himself tempted to pray for assistance:

A prayer under these conditions would not only have been absurd (what rights could I claim? And from whom?) but blasphemous, obscene, laden with the greatest impiety of which a non-believer is capable. I resisted the temptation: I knew that otherwise were I to survive, I would have to be ashamed of it. [5]

Man is therefore presented with two choices. He can reject life and kill himself; but in doing so he allows both Absurd life and meaningless death to triumph over him. Or he can become a rebel in all senses of the word, constantly rejecting death in the complete knowledge that he will one day die. At this point Camus moves from the metaphorical language of rebellion to a more practical discussion of self-awareness in everyday life. The mechanical, repetitive nature of life in industrial society contains for Camus both tragedy and comedy. Seen from within such an existence is tragic, with no room for individual expression and no higher meaning than day-to-day survival. From the outside - from the perspective of one living the Absurd life - a repetitive existence is comic: a meaaningless mechanical dumb-show. By recognising life as comic, by incorporating it into the Absurd, one can escape the endless tragic repetitiveness.

A few brief paragraphs can give only a flavour of Camus’ arguments in The Myth of Sisyphus. In addition to the tragicomic nature of everyday existence he examines the Absurd elements of various lives: the actor, the conqueror, the writer, the seducer and so on. Creativity is for Camus a very particular and intense form of rebellion; the fruits of the creative life provide the only possibility of even limited immortality. However, he acknowledges that most individuals simply cannot devote their lives to art or literature. To struggle is sufficient. An Absurd hero is not a warrior or a poet, but an ordinary individual who accepts the inevitability of death and yet fights it with all his power:

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one’s burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He, too, concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night-filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle towards the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy. [6]

What Camus produced in The Myth of Sisyphus was perhaps the most uncompromising and individual atheist polemic of the 20th century. As such, it has found many critics. Some have argued that it proposes little more than an inverted system of faith, riven with contradictions and quasi-religious dogma. Others take exception to Camus’ rejection of rationality as a means of understanding everyday life. Perhaps most significantly, the uncertain and apparently irrational world in which Camus wrote has been replaced by one that is, at least in the short term, more stable. In the affluent and self-satisfied West of the early 21st century it is difficult to conceive of life as a consuming and passionate struggle against a meaningless death.

Despite these criticisms, The Myth of Sisyphus still repays generously the effort involved in reading it. As a historical document it displays the astonishing degree to which philosophy could flourish under a repressive occupation. On a more personal level, it is a fascinating journey into the mind of an articulate young man confronted with the realisation that his knowledge of the world is extremely limited. More than that, it is a powerful assertion of human freedom, and a command to the individual to take responsibility for the course of his life. Perhaps most exceptionally, The Myth of Sisyphus is a piece of literature with its roots in practical experience, rather than a series of abstract, quasi-mathematical syllogisms. The way in which individuals make their lives meaningful is ultimately a personal, subjective choice, and Camus’ work is an elegant and fiercely intelligent contribution to this subject.

A borrowed tale (Sisyphus / Camus 1/3)

The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor.

If one believes Homer, Sisyphus was the wisest and most prudent of mortals. According to another tradition, however, he was disposed to practice the profession of highwayman. I see no contradiction in this. Opinions differ as to the reasons why he became the futile laborer of the underworld. To begin with, he is accused of a certain levity in regard to the gods. He stole their secrets. Egina, the daughter of Esopus, was carried off by Jupiter. The father was shocked by that disappearance and complained to Sisyphus. He, who knew of the abduction, offered to tell about it on condition that Esopus would give water to the citadel of Corinth. To the celestial thunderbolts he preferred the benediction of water. He was punished for this in the underworld. Homer tells us also that Sisyphus had put Death in chains. Pluto could not endure the sight of his deserted, silent empire. He dispatched the god of war, who liberated Death from the hands of her conqueror.

It is said that Sisyphus, being near to death, rashly wanted to test his wife's love. He ordered her to cast his unburied body into the middle of the public square. Sisyphus woke up in the underworld. And there, annoyed by an obedience so contrary to human love, he obtained from Pluto permission to return to earth in order to chastise his wife. But when he had seen again the face of this world, enjoyed water and sun, warm stones and the sea, he no longer wanted to go back to the infernal darkness. Recalls, signs of anger, warnings were of no avail. Many years more he lived facing the curve of the gulf, the sparkling sea, and the smiles of earth. A decree of the gods was necessary. Mercury came and seized the impudent man by the collar and, snatching him from his joys, lead him forcibly back to the underworld, where his rock was ready for him.

You have already grasped that Sisyphus is the absurd hero. He is, as much through his passions as through his torture. His scorn of the gods, his hatred of death, and his passion for life won him that unspeakable penalty in which the whole being is exerted toward accomplishing nothing. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this earth. Nothing is told us about Sisyphus in the underworld. Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them. As for this myth, one sees merely the whole effort of a body straining to raise the huge stone, to roll it, and push it up a slope a hundred times over; one sees the face screwed up, the cheek tight against the stone, the shoulder bracing the clay-covered mass, the foot wedging it, the fresh start with arms outstretched, the wholly human security of two earth-clotted hands. At the very end of his long effort measured by skyless space and time without depth, the purpose is achieved. Then Sisyphus watches the stone rush down in a few moments toward that lower world whence he will have to push it up again toward the summit. He goes back down to the plain.

It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock.

If this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him? The workman of today works everyday in his life at the same tasks, and his fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious. Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, knows the whole extent of his wretched condition: it is what he thinks of during his descent. The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory. There is no fate that can not be surmounted by scorn.
If the descent is thus sometimes performed in sorrow, it can also take place in joy. This word is not too much. Again I fancy Sisyphus returning toward his rock, and the sorrow was in the beginning. When the images of earth cling too tightly to memory, when the call of happiness becomes too insistent, it happens that melancholy arises in man's heart: this is the rock's victory, this is the rock itself. The boundless grief is too heavy to bear. These are our nights of Gethsemane. But crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. Thus, Edipus at the outset obeys fate without knowing it. But from the moment he knows, his tragedy begins. Yet at the same moment, blind and desperate, he realizes that the only bond linking him to the world is the cool hand of a girl. Then a tremendous remark rings out: "Despite so many ordeals, my advanced age and the nobility of my soul make me conclude that all is well." Sophocles' Edipus, like Dostoevsky's Kirilov, thus gives the recipe for the absurd victory. Ancient wisdom confirms modern heroism.

One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. "What!---by such narrow ways--?" There is but one world, however. Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable. It would be a mistake to say that happiness necessarily springs from the absurd. discovery. It happens as well that the felling of the absurd springs from happiness. "I conclude that all is well," says Edipus, and that remark is sacred. It echoes in the wild and limited universe of man. It teaches that all is not, has not been, exhausted. It drives out of this world a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering. It makes of fate a human matter, which must be settled among men.

All Sisyphus' silent joy is contained therein. His fate belongs to him. His rock is a thing Likewise, the absurd man, when he contemplates his torment, silences all the idols. In the universe suddenly restored to its silence, the myriad wondering little voices of the earth rise up. Unconscious, secret calls, invitations from all the faces, they are the necessary reverse and price of victory. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his efforts will henceforth be unceasing. If there is a personal fate, there is no higher destiny, or at least there is, but one which he concludes is inevitable and despicable. For the rest, he knows himself to be the master of his days. At that subtle moment when man glances backward over his life, Sisyphus returning toward his rock, in that slight pivoting he contemplates that series of unrelated actions which become his fate, created by him, combined under his memory's eye and soon sealed by his death. Thus, convinced of the wholly human origin of all that is human, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling.

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.
---Albert Camus


The central concern of The Myth of Sisyphus is what Camus calls "the absurd." Camus claims that there is a fundamental conflict between what we want from the universe (whether it be meaning, order, or reasons) and what we find in the universe (formless chaos). We will never find in life itself the meaning that we want to find. Either we will discover that meaning through a leap of faith, by placing our hopes in a God beyond this world, or we will conclude that life is meaningless. Camus opens the essay by asking if this latter conclusion that life is meaningless necessarily leads one to commit suicide. If life has no meaning, does that mean life is not worth living? If that were the case, we would have no option but to make a leap of faith or to commit suicide, says Camus. Camus is interested in pursuing a third possibility: that we can accept and live in a world devoid of meaning or purpose.

The absurd is a contradiction that cannot be reconciled, and any attempt to reconcile this contradiction is simply an attempt to escape from it: facing the absurd is struggling against it. Camus claims that existentialist philosophers such as Kierkegaard, Chestov, and Jaspers, and phenomenologists such as Husserl, all confront the contradiction of the absurd but then try to escape from it. Existentialists find no meaning or order in existence and then attempt to find some sort of transcendence or meaning in this very meaninglessness.

Living with the absurd, Camus suggests, is a matter of facing this fundamental contradiction and maintaining constant awareness of it. Facing the absurd does not entail suicide, but, on the contrary, allows us to live life to its fullest.
Camus identifies three characteristics of the absurd life: revolt (we must not accept any answer or reconciliation in our struggle), freedom (we are absolutely free to think and behave as we choose), and passion (we must pursue a life of rich and diverse experiences).

Camus gives four examples of the absurd life: the seducer, who pursues the passions of the moment; the actor, who compresses the passions of hundreds of lives into a stage career; the conqueror, or rebel, whose political struggle focuses his energies; and the artist, who creates entire worlds. Absurd art does not try to explain experience, but simply describes it. It presents a certain worldview that deals with particular matters rather than aiming for universal themes.

The book ends with a discussion of the myth of Sisyphus, who, according to the Greek myth, was punished for all eternity to roll a rock up a mountain only to have it roll back down to the bottom when he reaches the top. Camus claims that Sisyphus is the ideal absurd hero and that his punishment is representative of the human condition: Sisyphus must struggle perpetually and without hope of success. So long as he accepts that there is nothing more to life than this absurd struggle, then he can find happiness in it, says Camus.

Camus appends his essay with a discussion of the works of Franz Kafka. He ultimately concludes that Kafka is an existentialist, who, like Kierkegaard, chooses to make a leap of faith rather than accept his absurd condition. However, Camus admires Kafka for expressing humanity's absurd predicament so perfectly.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Camus

"The most important decision you make every day is not to commit suicide." -Albert Camus.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

MDP study block 2

I have spent the past 6 days on MDP Study block 2. We literally worked from 7:30 - 20:00 every day, only breaking for meals.

This time there was no CSI game with the 'bipolar looney' as (innocent) transgressor, but unfortunately bipolar jokes became a trend.

I am probably hyper-sensitive about the issue, but I honestly do not find those jokes funny. Bipolar disorder turned my life around - it determines when and how much I sleep, when and what I eat how often I exercise, the chemicals I swallow every day... in essence every moment I am awake.

One of the lecturers on softer issues started his presentation by saying we should pray we never have bipolar bosses and bipolar people should not be promoted. It hurt. I have been in management for the past 10 years and honestly try to be fair in my decisions. I would love to believe that something of Jesus comes through in the way I do my job. I would like to believe that I am more than a disease.

I would've liked to tell you the week was insightful and I learned a lot (which is true), but what stood out was my hurt about bipolar disorder.

There is a part of me who would like to speak up and tell them it is not funny. However, I do not want to draw attention to myself on this topic.

Sometimes, I wonder if this kind of life is worth living. It is so hard to bounce back. Even when I do everything I am supposed to, I am unreliable and moody and not fun to be with. I do not like the person I became.

I wonder what God's role in this madness is? Did He give me bipolar disorder? How does He decide who should have it? If it wasn't Him, why did He allow it?

I know I have asked these questions before, but I have still not found any of the answers.

Friday, May 21, 2010

21 May 2010

Lord,

I miss you like the winterveld misses rain,
I long for you and your loving nourishment,

Amen

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

19 May 2010

Lord

Tonight I feel alone and abandoned by You.
My thoughts are probably irrational or even stupid,
but I don't know where you are.

I cannot imagine You,
I do not feel You,
I might be really ungrateful, but I do not see your care tonight.

I am in a cold, dark place.
Death looks like an easy way out of this mess.

I do not understand why I need to live with this curse and
I understand even less why You won't take it away...

Lord, have mercy on me?
Let me see your loving kindness?
Let me experience your provision?
Let me taste and see that You are good?

I know I probably sound confused and maybe neurotic... please have mercy on me?

Amen

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Ordinary TIme

Despite the fact that it is Easter on the Church calendar (with Ascension Day on Thursday, 13 May 2010), it is "Ordinary Time" in my life and I am grateful.

I am almost too scared to put it in writing, just incase I jinx it, but my micro-management of my life is paying off now. My mood is neither too high, nor too low. My lithium levels are constant. I am able to sleep and to work. I am able to think and even study. I am at peace with myself and the world. This is what I think every bipolar patient dreams of. Just to be. Just to be normal. Just to be able to connect with God. Just to be able to connect with His people. Just to be able to do a day's work. Just to be able to understand jokes and the occasional pun and symbolism... Just to be.

I do know that all of it can change in the blink of an eye, but for now, I am grateful and content.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Another rollercoaster ride

I am supposed to keep a mood diary. I record my mood, events / triggers that moves it up and down, how much I sleep (or not sleep), my blood pressure, hy heart rate... actually pretty much my whole life.

The past two weeks was yet another rollercoaster ride.

In all the madness of the ups and downs, my mood dropped below the line. The line is normal. I was a step or two above the line for a while. I had lots of energy. I was busy with a few things at any given time. Now... things are a little slower and concentration a little more difficult. I do one thing at a time.

In times like this, I question God yet again. This disease and managing it is consuming my life. I am tired of this lifestyle. I would love to have some pizza and a glass of wine with friends, but I know how many rules that would break and what it would do to my mind and body. In times like this I am reminded of what I miss. In times like this, I am aware of lost potential and I do not understand it.

In the meantime, the rollercoaster waits for nobody. Buckle up and hang on for dear life, I suppose.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Walking disaster

I feel like a walking disaster. Over the past few weeks, it started feeling like everything is going wrong.

To mention a few things: I have spent numerous hours on assignments for my GIBS course. These need to be handed in by Friday, 16 April 2010. On Sunday the hard drive where all my work was saved, just gave in. I sent it in in the hope that the data could be salvaged. No such luck. As far as my assignments are concerned, I am back to square 1.

When something like that happen, I sometimes find it in myself to breathe deeply, pull back my shoulders and take another stab. On the other hand, if too many things like that happen, I tend to want to hide under my desk.

Yesterday a South African phone company managed to break the fibre optic cable on which our entire office network (phones included) work. By this morning nobody knew when the service might be restored, so I sent the Treasury team to the Disaster Recovery sites, so we can at least try to manage the most inmportant transactions, when I had a call from the body corporate.

According to them, one of my water pipes had burst, I am flooding my downstairs' neighbour's unit and I am liable for all costs. They suggested that I go home and assist. I left my work disaster, drove an hour and a half through traffic, only to find a young, unshaven, gum chewing kid reclining against my wall with his dirty sneakers.

He has decided that I either left my bath water running, or the pipes at the bath are leaking. On investigation, he found everything dry. He then decided he was going to take out my bathroom floor to which I objected.

I have asked for a second opinion and in the meantime, we cut off the water supply to my unit.I am tired and weepy. I cannot remember when last I was this desperate for God's intervention. I feel bad talking to my fiends about all of this, as it feels like I always complain.

On the other hand, if God does not step in, I do not know anymore. I am too tired to breathe deep, pull back my shoulders and lift my chin. I am too tired to pretend and frankly, I see no reason to.

Tomorrow I turn 35. My birthday wish? Only one - to see God manifest Himself in this chaos. For Him to help me to put a stake in the ground and to move forward, little by little.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

God's art cafe

Laurika Rauch (a well-known Afrikaans artist) recently released a new CD and I just love the track "God se kunskafee". It can be loosely translated as follows:

"It is five o'clock in the morning and God sits and paints
He treasures every drop of yellow-golden art
and hangs it on the heavens
for us to look at
I hear the creaking of a door and then Piet
shouts from the stable "We had rain!"

And as I wander through God's art cafe
I feel more and more blessed with every step,
because with a cup of coffee and a paintbrush
He sits there all day, thinking
how to show me His joy...

But uncle Ben's winefarm, with the old Cape-Dutch house,
He paints the most beautiful, after a long day's journey.

I walk past the image of a farmer on his John Deere
who hopefully ploughs the red earth
and I see dust, but smell the rain coming.
I hear the whistle of the workers bringing the cattle home
as the sun sets over the farm road.

And as I wander through God's art cafe
I feel more and more blessed with every step,
because with a cup of coffee and a paintbrush
He sits there all day, thinking
how to show me His joy...

But Dad's farm close to Leslie
where clay oxen bake in the sun
He paints the most beautiful, after a long day's hiking.

The painting of the full moon was ready long ago
And tonight He hung it behind the dark grey mountain.
I hear the crickets close by
and warm against my skin, the Bushveld passing by.

And as I wander through God's art cafe
I feel more and more blessed with every step,
because with a cup of coffee and a paintbrush
He sits there all day, thinking
how to show me His joy...

But the Meyers' game farm , at Vaalwater,
with the campfire and company
He paints the most beautiful, after a long day's driving."

It is not all bad...



Last week, I got a 'gel skin' for my laptop. It is an image of Van Gogh's "Starry night". When I see things like that, I remember that bipolar disorder is not all bad. Vincent van Gogh had bipolar disorder.

Jim Carey, Robin Williams, Virginia Woolf, Mark Twain, Sting, Peter Gabriel, Sinead O'Connor, Ludwig von Beethoven, Ben Stiller, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Carrie Fisher and loads of other well-known artists finds / found themselves in this crazy corner.

Last week I listened to a podcast of someone arguing that creativity is a side effect of bipolar disorder. I would not go that far, but I do know that I am fairly creative on a good day.

Somehow, being creative, makes me feel closer to God. It helps me to connect with Him. I think it makes me a better human being.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

All clear :-)

I saw my doctor this afternoon and she is happy with my progress :-) According to her I am as functional as possible and provided that I stick to all the rules, I should be fine.

This includes silly things like being in bed by 21:00, avoiding alcohol and caffeine and the whole list that I rambled off a gizillion times already.

We all know that 'should be' is only good until the next storm strikes. There are things I cannot control and the people around me cannot control.

But tonight, I celebrate God, I celebrate my dear friends who are there when things go well and when the wheels come off, I celebrate a good doctor and I celebrate progress.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Day 6 of MDP

The first MDP study block is almost over and cannot explain how grateful I am.

On Saturday I was in good spirits and enjoying life, the very next day my bubble was burst in the CSI game as I described in my previous post.

The lectures were brilliant and I learned a lot. We got to spend a day and a bit on one of the company's sites, which was really interesting.

The frustration started when were split into syndicates (in which we are doing an assignment that will last all year. The guys wanted to work late the night before last. Now, one of the things I need to do to remain healthy, is be in bed by 21:00. I know it. It caused a mini-explosion when I left at 22:00 to sleep.

Last night, one of the guys had put / asked for Vodka in my Tab (yes, it is my 'party drink') while I was dishing up food. When I commented that my cold drink tasted strange, they suggestedit might be the ice. I have just found out that they also told the waiter at breakfast that I do not really need decaf coffee.

Last night there was serious conflict between me and one of the guys in the team because I wanted to go to bed and they wanted to pull an all-nighter. I eventually went to bed just before midnight, resulting in me sleeping all of 4 hours. That is OK when I am (hypo)manic, but I am not.

The nett result is that I am tired, irritable, depressed and crying about everything. When I spoke to a friend this morning, I cried, just because she was nice. When I look at the bully, I cry. Fortunately I do not think they noticed yet. I feel hopeless and the worst part is that I know it is because I broke all the rules.

I do not know where Jesus is in all of this. I am trying to find Him and reach for Him, but I am somehow unable to connect. hopeless and know I should not be. At the same time, I do NOT understand God's selection processes. I do not know why I have bipolar disorder and I do think it is unfair.

I am considering withdrawing from the program, because of what this week did to me. However, I have learned that I should not take decisions when I am too high or too low.

Just a few hours and I will finally be home.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Who am I?

Today I was confronted with a proverbial mirror.

Before we came on MDP, we had a 360 review done. In case you are not entirely familiar with the concept, it includes reviews done by your subordinates, peers, manager and self. There weren't too many surprises when I got those results.

We also did a second assessment and that resulted in individualised "Insights training" reports, indicating your personality 'in colour'. You could be blue, red, yellow, green, or any combination of said colours.

What intrigued me, was the fact that they measured the 'active you' (i.e. what you project at work) and 'the less active you' (i.e. who you are at home / will probably be on a desert island) and then they measured the percentage difference between the two. The higher the percentage change, the more stress you will experience because of the discrepancy between who you are and who you have to project. Anything more than 45% indicates that you might have to look at alternatives. My discrepancy is 55.3%, but I am not quite ready to start looking.

The exercise prompted an avalanche of questions in my heart and mind: Who am I really? Do I remember my hopes and starry-eyed dreams? Are any of these worth reviving? What does Jesus think of my little juggling-act and all the hats I am trying to wear? Would He be OK with this? Who am I when the music fades and all is stripped away? Do I even know me?

I don't have any of the answers, but I am thinking about it... Tonight my heart and mind are racing and unsettled. Instead of asking Jesus to just calm me, I am praying that everything that was scratched and ripped open, prodded and stirred today, might lead to a better relationship between me and Jesus and me and my brothers and sisters.


So, even though I do not have much more than a bunch of questions tonight, I choose to trust God with this crazy rollercoaster discovery ride... here we go!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Management development programme - Day 1

In the beginning of the year I was selected to do my company's management development programme this year. Today the first of 3 study blocks started.

As is the case with (I believe) all these courses, we started with an icebreaker. Initially I just loved it... we were playing CSI with real experiments, clues, crime scene tape, etc. The game lasted more than 5 hours and we were all genuinely engaged in this intriguing activity (as opposed to the speakers before ;-)).

It was all fun until we 'discovered more evidence'. I thought I recognised it even though I am sure it is just a 'look alike'. I played lab tech myself, ran the test on it and 'discovered it was lithium'.

The 'research assistent' found the (computer) file on lithium and all the facts seemed to be true. When she read that it is used for the treatment of bipolar disorder, one of the guys said, 'This is it. The looney is our guy. He's not stable and thinks he is two people'. I was about to point out the glaring misnoma re bipolar and schizophrynia and then decided to bite my tongue.

I was in a room with 25 of my company's bright young middle managers and I watched how they jumped on the bandwagon. It had to be the looney who heard voices and saw people who don't necessarily exist. It was definitely the crazy person.

So? So, it initially kind of hurt. I almost immediately realised I can never let my guard down in this crowd. So, I really wish people were more educated with regards to mental diseases. Information is really easy to come buy when you look.

In case you were wondering, no - the person with bipolar disorder did not do it.

Monday, March 08, 2010

My favorite quote from Alice in Wonderland

"My dear, I'm terribly sad to say you've indeed gone mad, insane, bonkers, but let me tell you a secret... all the best people are."

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Being in transit

I love travelling. I love seeing new places (even more so if they are in Ireland), but there is a problem: I simply hate being in transit.

There is something about being in limbo that really unsettles me. After 'leaving' South Africa (past passport and border control), I would have loved to immediately go into another country. I wish there was a way to cut out the process in the middle.

Recently I developed a little motion sickness and on every second or third flight, I get sick as a dog. I would also like it if I knew upfront who would sit next to me, which movies would be available, etc. I have never liked the unknown.

Add to this the uncertainty of what the 'other side' looks like, my anxiety about being there on time so as to not leave my hosts / friends waiting and you almost have a reason to stay at home.

The excitement of duty free malls faded quickly. I usually walk listlessly up and down until I can finally board and only settle down once I am officially elsewhere.

Once you went through passport control, there is no going back and only travellers may pass this point.

Yet, even though I practically hate being in transit, I have always loved the destination.

Our community is in transit at the moment. I think we are excited about where we are going, but we might be experiencing a little turbulence at the moment.

See, for years we were a bunch of rich mainly Gen X'ers meeting in a community hall in a rich white area on Sundays. Yet, we were saying for years that we need to become multi-cultural and even changed our language to facilitate the process. We said that we are trying to discover Who Jesus is in a South African context. We said that church is not a place where we meet on Sundays, it is a verb and we need to live it.

For years, saying these things did not move us an inch... so we embarked on a journey. We lifted our tentpens, we went through passport control... and now we are in limbo. It is uncomfortable here, but hey, it is only the journey, not the destination. We went through passport control and there is no going back.

What does the destination look like? No idea, to be honest... BUT 3 things will be there:

- We will LIVE church
- We will be multi-cultural
- We will strive to Follow Jesus in a South African context

In the meantime, please pray with us about this adventure and our (next) destination?

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Loss and lost

Tonight I am experiencing a deep sense of loss. See, this week we spoke about our journey as a community and agreed to express the emotion we experience. My experience of loss has nothing to do with this journey, however, thinking of that made other things and experiences come to the surface.

By now, it is not much of a secret that I have bipolar disorder. I think I also spoke about ECT's, but I do not think I spoke about lithium.

Lithium is supposedly the gold standard in mood stabilizers and I was started on it about 6 weeks ago. It has a list of side effects:

- tremors in my hands
- constant thirst (I now drink about 4 litres of water in the day and another 2 at night)
- constant stomach cramps
- regular muscle pain (like after a run / long cycle)
- if you do not remain hydrated, the lithium becomes toxic
- weight gain
- the list continues, but these side effects have the most severe impact on me...

With the lithium came more rules and loss:

- I will never be able to drink another glass of wine, because the lithium will turn toxic.
- The same applies to caffeien... no more coffee, Coke Light, Coke Zero, whatever...
- One of the most upsetting things is that I am no longer allowed to donate blood, because my blood is toxic. I am weeping as I am typing this. Donating blood was my way to give back to society.
- I am not comfortable eating with just anyone, because sometimes, I battle to keep the food on my fork. So when I do, it has to be something I can eat with my hands.

I am saying goodbye to many things and everytime I realise I sm losing something else, it hurts all over.

This week I discovered that my medical aid is depleted due to no fault of mine. It simply is.

Tonight I dropped two plates, because my hands were just trembling too much. I had to put the sharp knives away, because I forget and accidentally cut myself twice this week.

This morning the child I'm teaching to drive, drove over a piece of iron and I lost a front tyre.

So what do I feel about my community's journey? I love them, but I am simply not there yet.

So, why did I write this gloomy post? I guess I just had to verbalise some of what what is milling through my head. And yes, I am feeling lost in this chaos. Is my feeling rational? I don't know. Tonight it is not about what I know, but what is going on inside.

Tomorrow I'll re-engage with what I feel about my community's journey. Promise. And then, I'll lift my chin and try again.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Obedience vs burnt offerings

I adore my cat. Thomas (O'Malley) is 5 years and 3 months old and is definitely the most charming housemate I have ever had.

I think he thinks I must be a god, because I open the tins and open the taps for him. He often brings 'offerings' home. I live in a complex on a hill and behind the complex, it is just too steep to build. The result is that there is veld and my mini-lion loves his savanna.

We have had all kinds of offerings... a guinea fowl and variety of other birds, various rats, mice, lizards, a frog, 5 snakes and the list continues. He never eats the prey or even break their skin. He kills and puts the offering in front of my bed.

Yesterday he went on a spree. He killed 3 lizards, followed by 2 birds. Every time he just wanted my approval and recognition. In fact, he 'talks' in short miaaus until I acknowledge him and his prey.

When he disappeared up the for the umpteenth time yesterday, I thought about 2 things:

1) God says obedience is far better than offerings. I had to wonder what my 'gifts' / 'sacrifices' look like to Him? Even when I worked long and hard at something, why do I think it is a worthy offering?

2) I do not have to earn God's love. He just loves me. Personally, this is far easier said than done.

This morning, I still adore my Thomas, but not more than I did at this time yesterday. I'd rather have him sleeping at home and hear the occasional purr when he surfaces to see if he's missing any fun.

I pray that God would change our hearts during Lent and help us to be obedient as we are fasting. I pray that God will change me and help me to experience Him as Father and accept that He loves me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ash Wednesday

Today was Ash Wednesday and I think Jesus came to my office.

In anticipation of what I am about to tell you, I think it is important that one of Claypot's (my community) values has always been to take hands over denominational borders.

On Monday, a few of my colleagues and I were discussing Ash Wednesday. None of us were able to join our communities this morning and still be on time for work. Hence, we decided to have our own Ash Wednesday liturgy.

Spending time with my colleagues, just being quiet and reading a prayer of repentance was awesome. We work together and see each other's best and worst. All day there was this sense of 'we are sharing something and Someone'.

Just after our liturgy, we saw lots of frowning and questioning faces and assumed it has something to do with the black crosses on our foreheads... and we explained. By mid-morning my line manager commented that he felt there was something going on and he was standing outside the circle. He then proceeded to ask if he could come next year. He was just the first of a whole string of people with the same request.

So, today I met Jesus at my office. It was great to have Him there. And, like always, I have to wonder where I'll meet Him tomorrow...

Friday, February 12, 2010

Tetelesthai

Just before Jesus blew out his last breath, He said: 'tetelesthai', translated as 'it is fulfilled'.

This morning, I am tempted to say: 'tetelesthai'. I know that you cannot compare medical treatment with giving your life for sinners, having loved them and having them not love you. I am by no means trying to be blasphemous. Yet, the temptation remains.

This morning I had my sixth, and for now final ECT. It was a rollercoaster journey. Initially I was really scared, then I decided to trust my doctor to take care of me while I sleep and relaxed. Yes, I have a few battle scars, but they will heal. My muscles are sore, but most of that can be fixed with a good workout or two. I have had a fairly intense headache since Monday, but that will go away. My eyes are super-sensitive to light.

What I gained overshadows the side effects. Two weeks ago, I was seriously suicidal and could see no reason at all to live. Today I am strong and I want to fight / manage bipolar disorder. I refuse to shrivel up and sit in the corner and be a victim of a mental disease.

I know that there will be good times and bad times, it comes with the territory. I might even have to have more ECT's in future. In the meantime, I am the manager of this disease and need to take my meds, sleep enough, drink enough water, exercise, stay away from alcohol, caffeine, weed, and other drugs.

Where is God in all this? I really do not want to have the whole healing discussion today. Our community agreed a few years ago that our reflex reaction to disease should be to pray for the sick. I am all for it. Yet, I see God more as a partner in this. He knows my brain, better than anyone else, because He made it. He knows about the synapses we broke over the past two weeks. He knows my heart, my life, my circumstances. In all of this, I believe that we will not be tempted beyond what we can control or resist. God is with me. God is in my bipolar disorder and the management thereof.

Tetelesthai. This chapter is over.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

20 years later

Today is the twentieth anniversary of Nelson Mandela's release from prison. I remember the day he was released. It was a stuffy Sunday afternoon and my heart was in the pit of my stomach.

I made many wrong assumptions in the period when the Apartheid laws fell and political prisoners were released. I did not know the facts and their stories. There was a huge divide and it was definitely more difficult to obtain information on, for example, the Rivonia trial. By the time it reached me, it was already contaminated by a grown up's opinion.

Four years later, we had our first democratic election. It lasted 3 days and it scared me. South Africa prepared for war and my parents, like countless other South Africans, stocked up on bullets, canned food & candles. They were ready. However, war did not come.

There were rumours of Mr Mandela going to charities, playing with children, actually... not doing any of the things I so feared. When I finally got to read his biography, I was ashamed and humbled. We have done nothing but cheat him out of a life, and yet he gave whatever life he had over for South Africa - black and white alike.

Side note - it is equally magical to hear another black man, bishop Desmond Tutu, say: "God loves you, He cares for you... God loves you", to white South Africans, just like a father would to his children.

It is tempting to stay in a corner, cry, repent and apologise. Yes, there are times we need to be in a corner, cry, repent and apologise. However, just like in our spiritual lives, where we sometimes frown on the practice of people 'giving there lives to Jesus' over and over every Sunday, never building a relationship with Him. Just like we cannot keep meeting Jesus for the first time every week, we cannot stay in a corner, cry, repent and apologise for Apartheid.

I think our hearts should remain repentant, but it has to move into relationships. I have a few black acquintances and one really good black friend. I would be so much poorer had I not had young Buhle in my life. We can exchange stories and I learn a lot by just listening to this boy and listening to his comment on mine. He is trying to teach me Zulu and I am trying to teach him to drive.

Let us then set an example to our children? Let's reach out? When I say 'reach out', I do not suggest that we just find random blach people and feed or clothe them. Part of reaching out is to realise that we are equal, and as whites, we do not necessarily have anything to offer, but our firndship.

I think the basis of this 'reaching out' will always be two-fold - inspired by God and making restitution for what we and our ancestors did wrong.

So, let's move forward then (with the condition that we remember where we come from and why we are on this journey)? I pray that we will be able to show a fraction of the love and grace Madiba showed.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Electroboy / ECT 4 of 6

Yesterday I had my fourth ECT session.

Thus far, the side effects have been minimal compared to the benefits. Yes, I did have muscle pain, but it is less intense now than a week ago. I do have headaches. I also do have minor short term memory loss.

My hands and are bruised and my lower lip has a deep bite. However, this is due to anaesthetic and not the therapy.

On the upside, I am no longer suicidal. I can see the flaws in my argument that I simply could not see ten days ago. I, once again, have the most basic human instinct - survival.

Today, I am grateful to God for medicine and medical intervention. My psychiatrist is an angel. Whilst the anaesthetist was digging for a vein, she was holding my hand and stroking my hair. I am grateful to God for this wise woman and her gentle spirit. I am grateful for my friends who cooked for me in this time or bought me frozen meals or offered to do so. I am grateful for friends who get up at 4 AM to get me to the hospital in time. I did not and do not deserve any of this and am truly humbled.

Should you want to know more about ECT's, please click here and follow the link. Electroboy became the posterboy for treating bipolar disorder with Electro Convulsion Therapy.

Tomorrow I'll have the fifth session and on Friday the sixth, and for now final.

I expected the entire process to be intrusive and much worse. Tonight, all I feel is gratitude...

Saturday, February 06, 2010

My dark passenger

I love Dexter. If you do not know Dexter, here is a short synopsis: Dexter lives in Miami and works at the Miami Police as a blood spatter analyst. However, Dexter has what he calls 'a dark passenger'.

See, Dexter is a serial killer. BUT he kills according to Harry's (his stepfather's) code. The 'victim' must have killed before and there must be proof that he intends to do so again. The 'victims' are often the guys who fell through the cracks in the justice system.

I have my own dark passenger. No, I am not a serial killer, but sometimes there is this cold darkness in me and in my mind. To confure you and me, it is not necessarily depression and tears. Sometimes, it is a lot of energy. Sometimes I forget I am an introvert and I start talking to strangers. I get adventurous, laugh alot... and then I crash.

I thought about my passenger today and I need to say this more to myself than to you - I am not my dark passenger. I am still me. Every day is a fight to keep this passenger in his place. I will do all it takes to manage him, but I am not the dark passenger.

I am still me. I am still here. I still have hopes and dreams. I still believe in God and community. I still have friends, whom I thank God for, because they have seen it all. I am standing - for now. May God have mercy on me and on my friends.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

I am not bipolar...

... I just happen to HAVE bipolar disorder. I have read "Bipolar for Dummies" over the past 10 days and for the first time a lot of what is going on in and around me makes more sense.

According to the author, bipolar disorder can be latent and won't necessarily rear its head at all. It is similar to having a fair skin - you need to wear sunscreen and preferably stay out of the sun in order to protect yourself.

Thinking back, I know when I first met the monster. It was during a carnival in my second year at varsity. I served on the SRC and we were asked to arrange a carnival on a piece of land the University of Johannesburg (then Rand Afrikaans university) gave the Seminary. I worked so hard on my part, but the rest of the team simply did not come through.

The fun run was a disaster, the volley ball contest did not happen and instead of 100 stalls, we had 8. One of them sold lingerie. This was a big no-no in the pentecostal tradition and even more so when you are 19 years old and in the early days of a relationship. You know, when you still blush when you are just holding hands?

That afternoon, I decided to go and hide underneath a table in the tea garden and I did not ever want to come out again. That was the start of my first depressive episode.

Again, being pentecostal, studying to be a pastor and depply influenced by John G Lake & Smith Wigglesworth, I could not explain what was happening and was just relieved when it was over and I could tackle the next project, working almost day and night. The more I think back, the more I am flooded with memories and I can clearly see ups and downs. Ups and downs like everybody experience, but just so much more intense.

I believe that I have finally been diagnosed correctly. I believe that I have to manage this monster, or it might manage me. This includes regular exercise, enough sleep, healthy meals and the dreaded medicine. It implies that I have to work with my psychiatrist, whom I like to think of as a consultant. I will use every tool available to me, e.g. a mood diary and research available. I will keep asking questions and for the rest of my life, I will have to keep the monster at bay.

Yet, I am not bipolar. One of our lecturers used to say that you are more than the sum total of what happened to you. I am more than the sum of what happened to me. There is more to me than bipolar disorder, even though my regular meds and forced adjusted lifestyle shoves it in my face at least 3 times per day.

I do not know how God decides who should have it. I do not know if He gives it. I do not know if he allows satan to dish it out. What I do know is that I still want to want to love Him. I want to experience His presence and His comfort when my heart wants to break for seemingly no reason. I wanr to be with Him when my mind races and I can visualise all the little wheels in my head spinning. I want Him to be there when I have a 'runaway train' idea.

I am not bipolar. I am just a confused child of God, battling to make sense.

Therapy session 2

This morning I had therapy session 2/6. It was really horrible.

When I woke up, fresh from the theatre, I felt smothered by a mask that was just too close to my nose and mouth. I started kicking in an attempt to get the recovery staff's attention. They only noticed there was a problem when I started crying.

Safely at home and going to sleep now. Tomorrow I'll deal with my sore muscles and prepare for Friday's session... 3/6.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

The morning after the day before

Yesterday I had a little intrusive therapy. Afterwards, I thought it was a total non-event. I had a headache and a little muscle pain (or stiffness, almost like when you did not cool down properly after a workout), but nothing to write home about.

This morning, however, is a different story. I do not think my neck and shoulders were this sore, not even when I had meningitis. Yesterday my doctor gave me permission to go to gym today and sort out some of the muscles and muscle pain. I pray that something help for my neck and shoulders. It feels like I am pinned to my bed and can hardly get up.

We had a well-known South African writer, called Dalene Matthee. She wrote novels and was best known for the 'forest-trilogy'. The forest people never referred to elephants as elephants, because then the elephants would think they are being called and trample the people. Instead, they referred to them as 'big feet'.

This morning, it feels like the big feet ran all over me and tomorrow is treatment 2/6.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

When God is not in my quiet time

Last night I attended our weekly meeting. Being a little hypomanic, I talked a lot more than usually and shared things I would usually rather not.

At one stage we were talking about how we hear God. It drew my attention away from just meeting God in my quiet time and reminded me that He talks through other people, music, and even my own body.

Today I met God in a psychiatrist's room. If you have been following this blog, you know by now that I developed a bisarre facination with going to sleep forever. OK, suicide.

In my previous post I rambled down the list of do's and don'ts. Despite all this, I am in a mixed episode and can fluctuate from being ecstatic to the deepest depths in seconds. I managed to get a 'cancellation appointment' with my psychiatrist after an email conversation yesterday.

Today I met God in her rooms. She was so kind and listened and answered patiently. She listened to my (seriously skewed) theory and then explained a counter-theory and reminded me that the most basic instinct is to survive. She changed my prescription again and we agreed on further therapy that is a little more radical.

To you it might sound like the run of the mill consultation, to me, it was seeing Jesus. I heard Him in her concerned voice when she asked if I'll be OK. I saw Him listening to my crazy plans. I heard Him counselling me. I saw His love.

I wonder where He'll be tomorrow.

The runaway train

At Gold Reef City (a theme park in Johannesburg), there is a ride called "The runaway train". It is basically a few carts, running real fast on a rail. I think the fear factor is increased by the name.

We want to be in control. We want to be in charge. I know I do. I do not want runaway trains, trucks or cars anywhere near me for fear of what they could do. Yet, there is a runaway train in my head and this morning I am going to see my psychiatrist to help me stop it.

I am not depressed or crying all the time, quite the contrary. I am joking, have LOTS of energy, go to gym, am creative, do my job and do it well, but I latched on to this idea that it would be better if I cease to exist.

Today I am grateful for friends who are close enough to see my runaway train(s) and who can talk me off the ledge.

Bipolar disorder is a crazy disease, but it is a disease. It is terminal. It is going nowhere and it requires close management.

I feel like the pharisee who prayed out loud in the temple, saying what he does right and embarrassing the beggar every time I rumble down the list of things I need to and cannot do: I sleep enough, I eat healthy, I go to gym 5-6 times per week, I do not use caffeien or alcohol, I do not consider using any other drugs and I take me prescribed medicine as prescribed. Yet, sometimes I have a runaway train and all I can say this morning is "God have mercy on me, a sinner".

If you want to learn more about biplar disorder, I can recommend a 40 minute DVD called "Living with Bipolar Disorder" or a book called "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies" (I have read a lot about bipolar and this is the single best resource in my mind).

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Soulwork

When our community changed over to the new rhythm (i.e. meeting on Wednesday / Thursday), we committed to weekly soulwork.

For tomorrow I need to memorise 1 John 4:19: "We love because he first loved us." I was also supposed to think and ask, everytime I do something 'for God' if I am doing it out of love or to earn His love.

I know the verse and it puzzles me. I do not feel right now. My EQ is gone and I do not find myself in the shell of my body. I also find it really hard to find God in anything.

As much as I would like to say "I did it all because I love Him so much" and "I know He first loved me, He even gave His life for me before I knew I was a sinner", I cannot.

I am (still) in St Theresa of Avila's camp: "I want to want to love Him". I really want to rekindle the flame of that first love, but today I am clueless as to how.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Why?

Today I am trying to think of a reason to carry on.

I do not have 'official' dependents, i.e. a spouse or children. In all fairness, I am not sure that a reasonable person, knowing they have bipolar disorder, would tie another life to theirs. At one stage I was passionate about adoption and I would really love to be a parent, but what does a single parent do with a child if you have a manic / depressive episode?

For the past ten days I have been on Lithium. This implies that I can no longer donate blood. I am one of those people who do need the occasional recognition and could visualise my name on the scroll of people who donated 200 units or more and I was well on my way with 58 donations. Instead, I now have quivering hands.

According to my psychiatrist, a manic/ hipomanic or a depressive episode causes actual brain damage. The synapses die and your brain need to form new paths.

I am actually starting to feel slow and stupid. Before all of this, I could read a few books per day with full comprehension and passed both of my degrees cum laude (even with extra subjects like Greek & Hebrew up to honours level). Now, it take me weeks to read a simple book and I have to keep referring back to make sure that my understanding is correct.

When I think about my relationships in general, they have not evolved or grown deeper over the past year. I think quite the contrary. Actually. I think I became a liability rather than an asset.

So, I do not think I will find the cure for cancer. I won't find a way to stop and reverse global warming. I might never write a book (another dream that is fading fast).

At best, I will have an ordinary life with minimal manic/hipomanic and depressive episodes. And then I am back at my question, why prolong this? Why should I carry on?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Gandhi, luxuries & necessities...

A few years ago, my friend Tom blogged about Gandhi. He commented on the fact that at the time of his death, Gandhi’s earthly possessions could be counted on two hands: His two dinner bowls, wooden fork and spoon, the famous porcelain monkeys, his diary, prayer book, watch, spittoon, letter opener and two pairs of sandals.

I have a lot of respect for Gandhi and have read everything I could lay m hands on about him. Yet, when I looked at the list of his possessions, I wondered why he had two pairs of sandals? I caught myself thinking that it might be luxury when I remembered a discussion last week with a friend who owns 319 pairs of shoes.



I started thinking about Gandhi, luxury & necessity yet again this week. I went to Gold Reef City (a theme park in Johannesburg) and saw that you can now buy silver bars with Gandhi's image. A single silver bar costs R1825. The Gandhi image is also not printed on the 'cheaper' coins. R 1825 or the even more expensive gold and platinum versions. A single piece of silver (about 10cm x 5 cm) is valued at a much higher price than all of Gandhi's possessions combined.

As we were walking around the mint museum in the park, I thought about what enough would be. This is also something we regularly talk about at Claypot. Instead of rewriting the entire story,I would like to refer you to Tom's post. You can read it here.



The advertisement at the mint

As usual, I do not have many answers, but would love to hear your thoughts? I am still wondering what in my life are necessities? I know that my chronic medication costs R 3349.17 per month. This is enough money to provide almost 7 families in a South African squatter camp with basics. Is bipolar medicine a luxury? Is feeding my cat Hills a luxury? I can ramble on and on for a really long time, but would rather hear your perspective, please?

Friday, January 22, 2010

3 Quotes

Concealing an illness is like keeping a beach ball under water. - Karen Duffy

The bottom line here is that we have to recognize that just as things go wrong with the heart and the lungs and the liver and the kidney, things go wrong with the brain ... It’s really time for us to respond in a much more sophisticated manner than we have in the past. - David Satcher

I'm fine, but I'm bipolar. I'm on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I'm never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It's like being a diabetic. - Carrie Fisher

Monday, January 18, 2010

Ups and downs and finding Jesus

When I first met my psychiatrist, she explained normality as a horizontal line and explained that all of mankind cross the line upwards (i.e. good mood - mania) and downwards (having an off day to severe depression) in various degrees and at various intervals.

In bipolar patients the graph looks a little more dramatic. You can function with minimal sleep, don't need to eat, have SOOO much energy and your head does not stop spinning. You are just so 'bright' and have so many creative ideas and insights. Unfortunately what goes up, must come down...

On the bottom end of the scale, you just want to sleep and 12 hours per night seems to be too little. You either eat too much or nothing at all. You feel stupid. You feel unloved. You contemplate suicide. You have no inspiration and performing even the most menial of tasks is a major issue. Getting up and brushing your teeth vould, for example take 20 minutes.

A 'high' experience combined with a 'low' experience, is called an episode. More than 4 episodes per year, is considered dangerous.

Last week, I was admitted to hospital with a mixed episode. I went an entire weekend with 7 hours of sleep, broke every rule in the book and still thought I was just fine. The scale tipped from hour to hour and day to day. I could fantasise about suicide, i.e. just falling asleep and not waking up again to working accurately with millions of rands and managing risk. UP and down.

According to my psychiatrist, mixed episodes are the hardest to treat. It is a fickle scale. Do you tip it up or down? What would happen if you stand back and just observe?

In one of my clear moments, I asked my psychiatrist to arrange hospitilisation. So, am I healed now? I wish. The great thing is that I was removed from work- and family stress for 2 and a halve days. The next great thing is that I could be closely observed whilst my doctor tried to stabilise my mood. I am by no means cured, but took time out.

So now? I am back in the 'real world'. I still have to take my meds (higher dosages), go to gym, eat right, sleep enough, avoid alcohol and caffeiene... and in addition to this, I am now on lithium and can no longer donate blood. As weird as this might sound, I will miss it. For years, I donated my pint every 8 weeks. I donated a total of 58 units and would really have loved to continue doing so.

So where is God in all of this? Again, I see glimpses of Him when I am inspired and high and mre glimpses when I am in the darkest possible place. I see Jesus in my friends and their hands become His. Their touch, becomes His.

At the moment, finding Jesus in my crazy, upside down world, is a bit like 'finding Wally'. Wally is never in the same spot twice. Neither is Jesus. But He is always there, all I need to do, is keep looking. Sometimes, I need a little help and direction, but in my heart of hearts I know, He is with me.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

When your pastor(s) become your friends and family

I am part of a very small community in Johannesburg, called Claypot. We are weird. Not in the loud happy clappy or Latin speaking way, but in what we believe God wants us to do.

Four years ago at an elders' retreat we came up with 7 invitations to have a closer relationship with God. You can read more about it here.

In September 2009, we decided (and believe God told us) to do 3 things:

1) Living church as a verb (i.e. become Jesus' hands and feet) as opposed to just having a nice meeting.

2) Engaging with Jesus in a South African context.

3) Becoming a multicultural community.

To achieve this, we changed our rhythms. Another bold move. Instead of meeting on Sundays, we decided to have Sunday as a day of rest / Sabbath, with some Soulwork (homework) to do and we started meeting at Tom & Lollie's house on Wednesdays / Thursdays.

Tom and Lollie have pastored this community since inception. In fact they planted it with a few other people asking questions about what church is and what it should be.

I have known Tom since 1995, but only became friends with him & his wife, Lollie over the past 5 years. During this time, I have come to know them as compassionate and understanding. When I was diagnosed with major depression and wanted to leave church, they suggested I just take a sabbatical. Then, the community took me back, despite my really bad behaviour when I was at the very bottom end of the scale.

Now, the topic of bipolar disorder in church seems to be taboo. Yet, when the diagnosis changed to bipolar disorder, I got even more support and understanding from Tom & Lollie.

When my parents got divorced and both times my mom had major surgery in the past 3 years, they were pillars of strength. They not only prayed for me, but lived church and with our other friends cared for me in every possible way, including financially, which is still really humbling.

The past 5 years have been challenging to me in many ways, but (to a large extent) due to Tom & Lollie's input, I could keep my eyes on Jesus. They have the beautiful ability to stretch me, a little at a time, just in time. For instance they have made me more aware of the journey of racial reconciliation and were there to challange and guide step by step.

I could never be content to just live with the status quo. The single biggest thing Tom & Lollie enforced in my life, is that Christianity is a journey. It is not just a safe destination you reach after saying a prayer. You and I need to keep moving, looking for Jesus and His footsteps all of the time.

So... this afternoon, hats off to you, Tom & Lollie. I think you are doing an immaculate job. May you continue to be true to God's word and inspiration and help us to find God in unexpected places. You are friends closer than a brother. Love yoy & appreciate you.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

What went up...

... came down. Crashed. Feel done for.

And to be brutally honest: when I see my friends' status updates on Facebook, I feel nauseous... anything from: "this is God's word for 2010..." to "this is your year" and "the joy of the Lord is you strength". A part of me wants to respond and say that this guy's exegesis sucks, but the other 95% of me is (maybe fortunately) just too tired to do so.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Lost and found

Last week my mom told me that her parents got divorced in 1957. Up to then, I thought my granny passed away then. As far as the family was concerned, she might as well have been.

She moved from Kimberley to Johannesburg and remarried. Her new husband was Charl Marais and they had a baby with the same name. However, a week before the little boy's first birthday (1963), my grandmother did pass away. A few years later Charl snr died in a car crash.

Over the weekend I decided to find Charl and yesterday I did (with some help). Last night my mom called her brother and told him the story I just told you. All he could say was, "I am that baby".

For the next few minutes, she tried to explained 47 years of history, but I am not sure how you really condense a lifetime into minutes.

This morning, I do know my mom woke up, having found her lost brother and Charl woke up, having found an entire 'new' family.

Sometimes I feel like that. When I look around me and I see my community, I have come home. They are my brothers and my sisters. Like any amily, we can have fun, but we also have hard times.

My mom & Charl reminded me of the discovery of this new and alternative family. I want to take Jesus' words literally when he said we will have many mother and fathers and brothers and sisters.

May God give us the grace to live as His family this year. May He help me to remember that I too was found.

Monday, January 04, 2010

2010


Success is not final, failure is not fatal:
It is the courage to continue that counts...