Last night I attended our weekly meeting. Being a little hypomanic, I talked a lot more than usually and shared things I would usually rather not.
At one stage we were talking about how we hear God. It drew my attention away from just meeting God in my quiet time and reminded me that He talks through other people, music, and even my own body.
Today I met God in a psychiatrist's room. If you have been following this blog, you know by now that I developed a bisarre facination with going to sleep forever. OK, suicide.
In my previous post I rambled down the list of do's and don'ts. Despite all this, I am in a mixed episode and can fluctuate from being ecstatic to the deepest depths in seconds. I managed to get a 'cancellation appointment' with my psychiatrist after an email conversation yesterday.
Today I met God in her rooms. She was so kind and listened and answered patiently. She listened to my (seriously skewed) theory and then explained a counter-theory and reminded me that the most basic instinct is to survive. She changed my prescription again and we agreed on further therapy that is a little more radical.
To you it might sound like the run of the mill consultation, to me, it was seeing Jesus. I heard Him in her concerned voice when she asked if I'll be OK. I saw Him listening to my crazy plans. I heard Him counselling me. I saw His love.
I wonder where He'll be tomorrow.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The runaway train
At Gold Reef City (a theme park in Johannesburg), there is a ride called "The runaway train". It is basically a few carts, running real fast on a rail. I think the fear factor is increased by the name.
We want to be in control. We want to be in charge. I know I do. I do not want runaway trains, trucks or cars anywhere near me for fear of what they could do. Yet, there is a runaway train in my head and this morning I am going to see my psychiatrist to help me stop it.
I am not depressed or crying all the time, quite the contrary. I am joking, have LOTS of energy, go to gym, am creative, do my job and do it well, but I latched on to this idea that it would be better if I cease to exist.
Today I am grateful for friends who are close enough to see my runaway train(s) and who can talk me off the ledge.
Bipolar disorder is a crazy disease, but it is a disease. It is terminal. It is going nowhere and it requires close management.
I feel like the pharisee who prayed out loud in the temple, saying what he does right and embarrassing the beggar every time I rumble down the list of things I need to and cannot do: I sleep enough, I eat healthy, I go to gym 5-6 times per week, I do not use caffeien or alcohol, I do not consider using any other drugs and I take me prescribed medicine as prescribed. Yet, sometimes I have a runaway train and all I can say this morning is "God have mercy on me, a sinner".
If you want to learn more about biplar disorder, I can recommend a 40 minute DVD called "Living with Bipolar Disorder" or a book called "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies" (I have read a lot about bipolar and this is the single best resource in my mind).
We want to be in control. We want to be in charge. I know I do. I do not want runaway trains, trucks or cars anywhere near me for fear of what they could do. Yet, there is a runaway train in my head and this morning I am going to see my psychiatrist to help me stop it.
I am not depressed or crying all the time, quite the contrary. I am joking, have LOTS of energy, go to gym, am creative, do my job and do it well, but I latched on to this idea that it would be better if I cease to exist.
Today I am grateful for friends who are close enough to see my runaway train(s) and who can talk me off the ledge.
Bipolar disorder is a crazy disease, but it is a disease. It is terminal. It is going nowhere and it requires close management.
I feel like the pharisee who prayed out loud in the temple, saying what he does right and embarrassing the beggar every time I rumble down the list of things I need to and cannot do: I sleep enough, I eat healthy, I go to gym 5-6 times per week, I do not use caffeien or alcohol, I do not consider using any other drugs and I take me prescribed medicine as prescribed. Yet, sometimes I have a runaway train and all I can say this morning is "God have mercy on me, a sinner".
If you want to learn more about biplar disorder, I can recommend a 40 minute DVD called "Living with Bipolar Disorder" or a book called "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies" (I have read a lot about bipolar and this is the single best resource in my mind).
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Soulwork
When our community changed over to the new rhythm (i.e. meeting on Wednesday / Thursday), we committed to weekly soulwork.
For tomorrow I need to memorise 1 John 4:19: "We love because he first loved us." I was also supposed to think and ask, everytime I do something 'for God' if I am doing it out of love or to earn His love.
I know the verse and it puzzles me. I do not feel right now. My EQ is gone and I do not find myself in the shell of my body. I also find it really hard to find God in anything.
As much as I would like to say "I did it all because I love Him so much" and "I know He first loved me, He even gave His life for me before I knew I was a sinner", I cannot.
I am (still) in St Theresa of Avila's camp: "I want to want to love Him". I really want to rekindle the flame of that first love, but today I am clueless as to how.
For tomorrow I need to memorise 1 John 4:19: "We love because he first loved us." I was also supposed to think and ask, everytime I do something 'for God' if I am doing it out of love or to earn His love.
I know the verse and it puzzles me. I do not feel right now. My EQ is gone and I do not find myself in the shell of my body. I also find it really hard to find God in anything.
As much as I would like to say "I did it all because I love Him so much" and "I know He first loved me, He even gave His life for me before I knew I was a sinner", I cannot.
I am (still) in St Theresa of Avila's camp: "I want to want to love Him". I really want to rekindle the flame of that first love, but today I am clueless as to how.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Why?
Today I am trying to think of a reason to carry on.
I do not have 'official' dependents, i.e. a spouse or children. In all fairness, I am not sure that a reasonable person, knowing they have bipolar disorder, would tie another life to theirs. At one stage I was passionate about adoption and I would really love to be a parent, but what does a single parent do with a child if you have a manic / depressive episode?
For the past ten days I have been on Lithium. This implies that I can no longer donate blood. I am one of those people who do need the occasional recognition and could visualise my name on the scroll of people who donated 200 units or more and I was well on my way with 58 donations. Instead, I now have quivering hands.
According to my psychiatrist, a manic/ hipomanic or a depressive episode causes actual brain damage. The synapses die and your brain need to form new paths.
I am actually starting to feel slow and stupid. Before all of this, I could read a few books per day with full comprehension and passed both of my degrees cum laude (even with extra subjects like Greek & Hebrew up to honours level). Now, it take me weeks to read a simple book and I have to keep referring back to make sure that my understanding is correct.
When I think about my relationships in general, they have not evolved or grown deeper over the past year. I think quite the contrary. Actually. I think I became a liability rather than an asset.
So, I do not think I will find the cure for cancer. I won't find a way to stop and reverse global warming. I might never write a book (another dream that is fading fast).
At best, I will have an ordinary life with minimal manic/hipomanic and depressive episodes. And then I am back at my question, why prolong this? Why should I carry on?
I do not have 'official' dependents, i.e. a spouse or children. In all fairness, I am not sure that a reasonable person, knowing they have bipolar disorder, would tie another life to theirs. At one stage I was passionate about adoption and I would really love to be a parent, but what does a single parent do with a child if you have a manic / depressive episode?
For the past ten days I have been on Lithium. This implies that I can no longer donate blood. I am one of those people who do need the occasional recognition and could visualise my name on the scroll of people who donated 200 units or more and I was well on my way with 58 donations. Instead, I now have quivering hands.
According to my psychiatrist, a manic/ hipomanic or a depressive episode causes actual brain damage. The synapses die and your brain need to form new paths.
I am actually starting to feel slow and stupid. Before all of this, I could read a few books per day with full comprehension and passed both of my degrees cum laude (even with extra subjects like Greek & Hebrew up to honours level). Now, it take me weeks to read a simple book and I have to keep referring back to make sure that my understanding is correct.
When I think about my relationships in general, they have not evolved or grown deeper over the past year. I think quite the contrary. Actually. I think I became a liability rather than an asset.
So, I do not think I will find the cure for cancer. I won't find a way to stop and reverse global warming. I might never write a book (another dream that is fading fast).
At best, I will have an ordinary life with minimal manic/hipomanic and depressive episodes. And then I am back at my question, why prolong this? Why should I carry on?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Gandhi, luxuries & necessities...
A few years ago, my friend Tom blogged about Gandhi. He commented on the fact that at the time of his death, Gandhi’s earthly possessions could be counted on two hands: His two dinner bowls, wooden fork and spoon, the famous porcelain monkeys, his diary, prayer book, watch, spittoon, letter opener and two pairs of sandals.
I have a lot of respect for Gandhi and have read everything I could lay m hands on about him. Yet, when I looked at the list of his possessions, I wondered why he had two pairs of sandals? I caught myself thinking that it might be luxury when I remembered a discussion last week with a friend who owns 319 pairs of shoes.
I started thinking about Gandhi, luxury & necessity yet again this week. I went to Gold Reef City (a theme park in Johannesburg) and saw that you can now buy silver bars with Gandhi's image. A single silver bar costs R1825. The Gandhi image is also not printed on the 'cheaper' coins. R 1825 or the even more expensive gold and platinum versions. A single piece of silver (about 10cm x 5 cm) is valued at a much higher price than all of Gandhi's possessions combined.
As we were walking around the mint museum in the park, I thought about what enough would be. This is also something we regularly talk about at Claypot. Instead of rewriting the entire story,I would like to refer you to Tom's post. You can read it here.
The advertisement at the mint
As usual, I do not have many answers, but would love to hear your thoughts? I am still wondering what in my life are necessities? I know that my chronic medication costs R 3349.17 per month. This is enough money to provide almost 7 families in a South African squatter camp with basics. Is bipolar medicine a luxury? Is feeding my cat Hills a luxury? I can ramble on and on for a really long time, but would rather hear your perspective, please?
I have a lot of respect for Gandhi and have read everything I could lay m hands on about him. Yet, when I looked at the list of his possessions, I wondered why he had two pairs of sandals? I caught myself thinking that it might be luxury when I remembered a discussion last week with a friend who owns 319 pairs of shoes.
I started thinking about Gandhi, luxury & necessity yet again this week. I went to Gold Reef City (a theme park in Johannesburg) and saw that you can now buy silver bars with Gandhi's image. A single silver bar costs R1825. The Gandhi image is also not printed on the 'cheaper' coins. R 1825 or the even more expensive gold and platinum versions. A single piece of silver (about 10cm x 5 cm) is valued at a much higher price than all of Gandhi's possessions combined.
As we were walking around the mint museum in the park, I thought about what enough would be. This is also something we regularly talk about at Claypot. Instead of rewriting the entire story,I would like to refer you to Tom's post. You can read it here.
The advertisement at the mint
As usual, I do not have many answers, but would love to hear your thoughts? I am still wondering what in my life are necessities? I know that my chronic medication costs R 3349.17 per month. This is enough money to provide almost 7 families in a South African squatter camp with basics. Is bipolar medicine a luxury? Is feeding my cat Hills a luxury? I can ramble on and on for a really long time, but would rather hear your perspective, please?
Friday, January 22, 2010
3 Quotes
Concealing an illness is like keeping a beach ball under water. - Karen Duffy
The bottom line here is that we have to recognize that just as things go wrong with the heart and the lungs and the liver and the kidney, things go wrong with the brain ... It’s really time for us to respond in a much more sophisticated manner than we have in the past. - David Satcher
I'm fine, but I'm bipolar. I'm on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I'm never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It's like being a diabetic. - Carrie Fisher
The bottom line here is that we have to recognize that just as things go wrong with the heart and the lungs and the liver and the kidney, things go wrong with the brain ... It’s really time for us to respond in a much more sophisticated manner than we have in the past. - David Satcher
I'm fine, but I'm bipolar. I'm on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I'm never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It's like being a diabetic. - Carrie Fisher
Monday, January 18, 2010
Ups and downs and finding Jesus
When I first met my psychiatrist, she explained normality as a horizontal line and explained that all of mankind cross the line upwards (i.e. good mood - mania) and downwards (having an off day to severe depression) in various degrees and at various intervals.
In bipolar patients the graph looks a little more dramatic. You can function with minimal sleep, don't need to eat, have SOOO much energy and your head does not stop spinning. You are just so 'bright' and have so many creative ideas and insights. Unfortunately what goes up, must come down...
On the bottom end of the scale, you just want to sleep and 12 hours per night seems to be too little. You either eat too much or nothing at all. You feel stupid. You feel unloved. You contemplate suicide. You have no inspiration and performing even the most menial of tasks is a major issue. Getting up and brushing your teeth vould, for example take 20 minutes.
A 'high' experience combined with a 'low' experience, is called an episode. More than 4 episodes per year, is considered dangerous.
Last week, I was admitted to hospital with a mixed episode. I went an entire weekend with 7 hours of sleep, broke every rule in the book and still thought I was just fine. The scale tipped from hour to hour and day to day. I could fantasise about suicide, i.e. just falling asleep and not waking up again to working accurately with millions of rands and managing risk. UP and down.
According to my psychiatrist, mixed episodes are the hardest to treat. It is a fickle scale. Do you tip it up or down? What would happen if you stand back and just observe?
In one of my clear moments, I asked my psychiatrist to arrange hospitilisation. So, am I healed now? I wish. The great thing is that I was removed from work- and family stress for 2 and a halve days. The next great thing is that I could be closely observed whilst my doctor tried to stabilise my mood. I am by no means cured, but took time out.
So now? I am back in the 'real world'. I still have to take my meds (higher dosages), go to gym, eat right, sleep enough, avoid alcohol and caffeiene... and in addition to this, I am now on lithium and can no longer donate blood. As weird as this might sound, I will miss it. For years, I donated my pint every 8 weeks. I donated a total of 58 units and would really have loved to continue doing so.
So where is God in all of this? Again, I see glimpses of Him when I am inspired and high and mre glimpses when I am in the darkest possible place. I see Jesus in my friends and their hands become His. Their touch, becomes His.
At the moment, finding Jesus in my crazy, upside down world, is a bit like 'finding Wally'. Wally is never in the same spot twice. Neither is Jesus. But He is always there, all I need to do, is keep looking. Sometimes, I need a little help and direction, but in my heart of hearts I know, He is with me.
In bipolar patients the graph looks a little more dramatic. You can function with minimal sleep, don't need to eat, have SOOO much energy and your head does not stop spinning. You are just so 'bright' and have so many creative ideas and insights. Unfortunately what goes up, must come down...
On the bottom end of the scale, you just want to sleep and 12 hours per night seems to be too little. You either eat too much or nothing at all. You feel stupid. You feel unloved. You contemplate suicide. You have no inspiration and performing even the most menial of tasks is a major issue. Getting up and brushing your teeth vould, for example take 20 minutes.
A 'high' experience combined with a 'low' experience, is called an episode. More than 4 episodes per year, is considered dangerous.
Last week, I was admitted to hospital with a mixed episode. I went an entire weekend with 7 hours of sleep, broke every rule in the book and still thought I was just fine. The scale tipped from hour to hour and day to day. I could fantasise about suicide, i.e. just falling asleep and not waking up again to working accurately with millions of rands and managing risk. UP and down.
According to my psychiatrist, mixed episodes are the hardest to treat. It is a fickle scale. Do you tip it up or down? What would happen if you stand back and just observe?
In one of my clear moments, I asked my psychiatrist to arrange hospitilisation. So, am I healed now? I wish. The great thing is that I was removed from work- and family stress for 2 and a halve days. The next great thing is that I could be closely observed whilst my doctor tried to stabilise my mood. I am by no means cured, but took time out.
So now? I am back in the 'real world'. I still have to take my meds (higher dosages), go to gym, eat right, sleep enough, avoid alcohol and caffeiene... and in addition to this, I am now on lithium and can no longer donate blood. As weird as this might sound, I will miss it. For years, I donated my pint every 8 weeks. I donated a total of 58 units and would really have loved to continue doing so.
So where is God in all of this? Again, I see glimpses of Him when I am inspired and high and mre glimpses when I am in the darkest possible place. I see Jesus in my friends and their hands become His. Their touch, becomes His.
At the moment, finding Jesus in my crazy, upside down world, is a bit like 'finding Wally'. Wally is never in the same spot twice. Neither is Jesus. But He is always there, all I need to do, is keep looking. Sometimes, I need a little help and direction, but in my heart of hearts I know, He is with me.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
When your pastor(s) become your friends and family
I am part of a very small community in Johannesburg, called Claypot. We are weird. Not in the loud happy clappy or Latin speaking way, but in what we believe God wants us to do.
Four years ago at an elders' retreat we came up with 7 invitations to have a closer relationship with God. You can read more about it here.
In September 2009, we decided (and believe God told us) to do 3 things:
1) Living church as a verb (i.e. become Jesus' hands and feet) as opposed to just having a nice meeting.
2) Engaging with Jesus in a South African context.
3) Becoming a multicultural community.
To achieve this, we changed our rhythms. Another bold move. Instead of meeting on Sundays, we decided to have Sunday as a day of rest / Sabbath, with some Soulwork (homework) to do and we started meeting at Tom & Lollie's house on Wednesdays / Thursdays.
Tom and Lollie have pastored this community since inception. In fact they planted it with a few other people asking questions about what church is and what it should be.
I have known Tom since 1995, but only became friends with him & his wife, Lollie over the past 5 years. During this time, I have come to know them as compassionate and understanding. When I was diagnosed with major depression and wanted to leave church, they suggested I just take a sabbatical. Then, the community took me back, despite my really bad behaviour when I was at the very bottom end of the scale.
Now, the topic of bipolar disorder in church seems to be taboo. Yet, when the diagnosis changed to bipolar disorder, I got even more support and understanding from Tom & Lollie.
When my parents got divorced and both times my mom had major surgery in the past 3 years, they were pillars of strength. They not only prayed for me, but lived church and with our other friends cared for me in every possible way, including financially, which is still really humbling.
The past 5 years have been challenging to me in many ways, but (to a large extent) due to Tom & Lollie's input, I could keep my eyes on Jesus. They have the beautiful ability to stretch me, a little at a time, just in time. For instance they have made me more aware of the journey of racial reconciliation and were there to challange and guide step by step.
I could never be content to just live with the status quo. The single biggest thing Tom & Lollie enforced in my life, is that Christianity is a journey. It is not just a safe destination you reach after saying a prayer. You and I need to keep moving, looking for Jesus and His footsteps all of the time.
So... this afternoon, hats off to you, Tom & Lollie. I think you are doing an immaculate job. May you continue to be true to God's word and inspiration and help us to find God in unexpected places. You are friends closer than a brother. Love yoy & appreciate you.
Four years ago at an elders' retreat we came up with 7 invitations to have a closer relationship with God. You can read more about it here.
In September 2009, we decided (and believe God told us) to do 3 things:
1) Living church as a verb (i.e. become Jesus' hands and feet) as opposed to just having a nice meeting.
2) Engaging with Jesus in a South African context.
3) Becoming a multicultural community.
To achieve this, we changed our rhythms. Another bold move. Instead of meeting on Sundays, we decided to have Sunday as a day of rest / Sabbath, with some Soulwork (homework) to do and we started meeting at Tom & Lollie's house on Wednesdays / Thursdays.
Tom and Lollie have pastored this community since inception. In fact they planted it with a few other people asking questions about what church is and what it should be.
I have known Tom since 1995, but only became friends with him & his wife, Lollie over the past 5 years. During this time, I have come to know them as compassionate and understanding. When I was diagnosed with major depression and wanted to leave church, they suggested I just take a sabbatical. Then, the community took me back, despite my really bad behaviour when I was at the very bottom end of the scale.
Now, the topic of bipolar disorder in church seems to be taboo. Yet, when the diagnosis changed to bipolar disorder, I got even more support and understanding from Tom & Lollie.
When my parents got divorced and both times my mom had major surgery in the past 3 years, they were pillars of strength. They not only prayed for me, but lived church and with our other friends cared for me in every possible way, including financially, which is still really humbling.
The past 5 years have been challenging to me in many ways, but (to a large extent) due to Tom & Lollie's input, I could keep my eyes on Jesus. They have the beautiful ability to stretch me, a little at a time, just in time. For instance they have made me more aware of the journey of racial reconciliation and were there to challange and guide step by step.
I could never be content to just live with the status quo. The single biggest thing Tom & Lollie enforced in my life, is that Christianity is a journey. It is not just a safe destination you reach after saying a prayer. You and I need to keep moving, looking for Jesus and His footsteps all of the time.
So... this afternoon, hats off to you, Tom & Lollie. I think you are doing an immaculate job. May you continue to be true to God's word and inspiration and help us to find God in unexpected places. You are friends closer than a brother. Love yoy & appreciate you.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
What went up...
... came down. Crashed. Feel done for.
And to be brutally honest: when I see my friends' status updates on Facebook, I feel nauseous... anything from: "this is God's word for 2010..." to "this is your year" and "the joy of the Lord is you strength". A part of me wants to respond and say that this guy's exegesis sucks, but the other 95% of me is (maybe fortunately) just too tired to do so.
And to be brutally honest: when I see my friends' status updates on Facebook, I feel nauseous... anything from: "this is God's word for 2010..." to "this is your year" and "the joy of the Lord is you strength". A part of me wants to respond and say that this guy's exegesis sucks, but the other 95% of me is (maybe fortunately) just too tired to do so.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Lost and found
Last week my mom told me that her parents got divorced in 1957. Up to then, I thought my granny passed away then. As far as the family was concerned, she might as well have been.
She moved from Kimberley to Johannesburg and remarried. Her new husband was Charl Marais and they had a baby with the same name. However, a week before the little boy's first birthday (1963), my grandmother did pass away. A few years later Charl snr died in a car crash.
Over the weekend I decided to find Charl and yesterday I did (with some help). Last night my mom called her brother and told him the story I just told you. All he could say was, "I am that baby".
For the next few minutes, she tried to explained 47 years of history, but I am not sure how you really condense a lifetime into minutes.
This morning, I do know my mom woke up, having found her lost brother and Charl woke up, having found an entire 'new' family.
Sometimes I feel like that. When I look around me and I see my community, I have come home. They are my brothers and my sisters. Like any amily, we can have fun, but we also have hard times.
My mom & Charl reminded me of the discovery of this new and alternative family. I want to take Jesus' words literally when he said we will have many mother and fathers and brothers and sisters.
May God give us the grace to live as His family this year. May He help me to remember that I too was found.
She moved from Kimberley to Johannesburg and remarried. Her new husband was Charl Marais and they had a baby with the same name. However, a week before the little boy's first birthday (1963), my grandmother did pass away. A few years later Charl snr died in a car crash.
Over the weekend I decided to find Charl and yesterday I did (with some help). Last night my mom called her brother and told him the story I just told you. All he could say was, "I am that baby".
For the next few minutes, she tried to explained 47 years of history, but I am not sure how you really condense a lifetime into minutes.
This morning, I do know my mom woke up, having found her lost brother and Charl woke up, having found an entire 'new' family.
Sometimes I feel like that. When I look around me and I see my community, I have come home. They are my brothers and my sisters. Like any amily, we can have fun, but we also have hard times.
My mom & Charl reminded me of the discovery of this new and alternative family. I want to take Jesus' words literally when he said we will have many mother and fathers and brothers and sisters.
May God give us the grace to live as His family this year. May He help me to remember that I too was found.
Monday, January 04, 2010
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