When you think you are getting up...

... or even standing, watch out!

Paul wrote to the Corinthians, "So, if you think you are standing, firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" I have often thought he might as well have been talking to people with depression.

Just when you think you are getting up out of the clay, you are vulnerable. Every fall takes its toll. More injuries. Less energy. Less faith in the people around me. Less faith in God.

Every time darkness comes, I am more tempted to walk away from everything and just never go back. On days like today, I seriously doubt if I am a Christian.

I know I have to trust God, but wish I could fix everything myself. As much as I long to have my community back, I am too scared to be vulnerable in their presence. As much as I yearn for the presence of God in my life and His comfort, I will rather run and not have the pain if I don't experience His love.

I wish I could make sense of everything that happened over the past months and God's hand in it. I wish I could make sense of my friends and people who used to be friends' responses. I just can't. Maybe I just don't want to anymore.

When Ctrl + Z does not work

Over the past few years I learned that almost every error can be fixed with two simple keys - Ctrl + Z. But what if it does not work?

What if it is a real life (as opposed to typing / Formula) error? What if it is like a clay pot that fell and your life appears to be in shards? This is where I am today.

Even if you try to glue a clay pot together, it will never be the same. There will be gaps and missing pieces. However, this can be to God's honour. We have several broken pots in our community (literally) and sometimes we light candles inside them. The play of light is beautiful and says something of God, making the broken and fragile beautiful.

Today I have to trust God to pick up the pieces of my life and make something new. A clay pot that can let His light through. If God does not help me, all my efforts are in vain.

Just for today, I will hope in God. Even if He is silent now, I know He always spoke when the time was ripe. Even if it is dark, I know He always gave light on the right time. Even if I feel lost, I know He always marked the road before. Even if I am anxious, He has given me peace before. Even if I am weak, He has been my strength before. God has never let me down before.

Today, 31 July 2007, I dare to trust God. I dare to, once more, place my hope in Him.

The big hole - in Kimberley and in my heart

I was born in Kimberley. Kimberley is just a town in the Karoo and if it weren't for diamonds discovered there, the town might never have existed. However, diamonds were discovered and more and more people flocked there.

The open mine eventually became the biggest man made hole. It is Kimberley's claim to fame, and yet I think it is a scar. Even if they fill it up again (which will never happen), something will always be missing.

There is another big hole in my heart. I miss my community and my friends. I long to be with them and to make a lot of things I did undone. Somehow letters of apology never fix the damage caused when you spoke in anger. I long for forgiveness and acceptance. I long to experience God's love. I long to hear Him again.

I simply don't have the guts to go back after I haven't been with my community in weeks. Last week Tom and I had a discussion around crows and the community taking care like crows. I am just not sure how to go back. I don't know how to do it and yet I long to be there, to at least try to fill this hole up again.

I am in tears yet again and the week hasn't even started. Today, I think I have a hole bigger than Kimberley's in my heart.

May God give me the guts to make it through this day - Monday, 30 July 2007. May I experience something of His love for me in the not too distant future. May I experience Him through His Body once more.

An artist's prayer

Lord,

make me see your glory

in every place.

Amen.

Michelangelo (1475-1564)

This thing called 'Community'

Community never came naturally to me. It is a discipline. One I practice with mixed results. When I am well, I am generally OK with community - when I am not OK, I prefer being much more of a hermit.

I am OK with the fact that a community consists of different parts. Going back to Paul's letter to the Corinthians we know that everybody cannot be the eyes or the feet. There are different people with different personalities and different roles in God's Kingdom.

There are different people with different personalities and different roles in the community I committed to. I was sure that that was what God wanted me to do. I had to accountable somewhere. When the wheels started coming off in my life and I was hurt, I started looking for ways out. I even resigned. My community did not accept it. For some strange reason they support me and I know I am safe.

Socrates said "Be slow to fall into friendship, but when you are in, continue firm and constant." I wonder what Jesus would say? Maybe "By this people will know you are My disciples - that you love one another"? "Forgive - no, not seven times. Seventy times seven times."?

Maybe, just maybe, my community can be God's way to get through to me. To wipe the tears and to comfort me. I love these people. I know that they care for me. A few months ago someone said 'this is like a marriage, for better or for worse'. Even if my community is not God's hands in this time in my life, I know I will be wrong to walk out.

What would Jesus do?

This morning my friend Tom reminded me of two things from 1 Kings 17. Firstly that God was in the 'still small voice' and secondly that God provides. I commented on the ravens that God used and he (Tom) asked if I don't think my community can be God's ravens in this time.

I went to gym during lunch and thought about the ravens. I also thought about Jesus.

Jesus always met people where they were. He fed hungry people and then told them He is the Bread of Life, He spoke to the woman at the well and said He is the Living Water. Jesus related to people. He met them where they were - both demographically and spiritually.

May Jesus meet me where I am today.

PS: I think I will give Tom's advice a shot. He might just be right ;-)

Unipolar depression

I have unipolar depression. There it is - out in the open.

I have a daily battle to get up, take a bath, go to work, go to gym, remember to eat and take my medicine. Simple tasks suddenly became really difficult. Things I took for granted, like the ability to spell and concentrate seem to have vanished. Every day is a battle. Every day I tell myself that I only have to make it through one day.

Every day I wish it was different. Every day I wish I could be careless and laugh, but I can't. I started blogging on www.depressionanonymous.blogspot.com because I could not get my mind around it that a Christian can actually suffer from depression.

I am back. I will blog here. I trust God to get me through this day. Tomorrow? We will think about it in the morning, not before.

Transmission interrupted

I will not blog here for a while. I am blogging on another site. However, it is a different story.

How do you know...

... if you are a Christian? This is not a trick question. I really want to know what you think. Please leave a comment or email me at emtiag@gmail.com.

I lift my eyes

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven,

creator of the earth

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven,

creator of the earth

Oh how I need You Lord

You are my only hope

You’re my only prayer

So I will wait for You!

To come and rescue me

Come and give me life...

Psalm 121