God and I have a story. On a day like today, when it feels like I am hanging on by the very tips of my fingers and there is not much hope, I can remember and try to believe one more day.
I have been praying this old Celtic prayer every day for the past year. I don't have a super-spiritual reason and it was not so much a discipline as a simple reminder and I way to find the guts to face one more day:
Lord, You have always given
bread for the coming day;
and though I am poor,
today I believe.
Lord, You have always given
strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak,
today I believe.
Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe.
Lord, You have always kept
me safe in trials;
and now, tried as I am,
today I believe.
Lord, You have always marked
the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden,
today I believe.
Lord, You have always lightened
this darkness of mine;
and though the night is here,
today I believe.
Lord, You have always spoken
when time was ripe;
and though you be silent now,
today I believe.
God have mercy on me. Amen.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Success
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tuesday
The going is tough at the moment. Over the weekend I tried to come up with a legitimate reason not to come to work yesterday. Crazy, I know. I am tired, tearful, tense and often just feel hopeless.
I remember translating Job in Hebrew 2 or 3. We got stuck on a phrase, which translated literally means 'my bed is full of tossing'. We eventually chose to translate it with 'I have difficulty sleeping'. Today, I understand a bed that is full of tossing. My bed is full of tossing and turning.
However, today I only have to cope with this one day. I can trust God one more time. Just for today. Yesterday there was enough of everything and I believe that God will meet my weakness, tears and hopelessness and help me to cope today. Tuesday. And with a lot of grace and mercy, I might be able to do something for the Kingdom too.
I remember translating Job in Hebrew 2 or 3. We got stuck on a phrase, which translated literally means 'my bed is full of tossing'. We eventually chose to translate it with 'I have difficulty sleeping'. Today, I understand a bed that is full of tossing. My bed is full of tossing and turning.
However, today I only have to cope with this one day. I can trust God one more time. Just for today. Yesterday there was enough of everything and I believe that God will meet my weakness, tears and hopelessness and help me to cope today. Tuesday. And with a lot of grace and mercy, I might be able to do something for the Kingdom too.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Losing control vs surrendering control
I am out of control and I know it.
A year ago (today) I was admitted to hospital, the psych ward... clinically depressed and suicidal. All my gages were broken and it was really difficult to make any judgment call whatsoever. I was indecisive and just broken.
Getting better was a long and hard road. I started exercising, changed my sleep patterns, cut out alcohol and caffeine, formed rhythms and routines and learned to keep it. I have to take a whole bunch of pills every day and I still battle with that.
This morning I realised that I am losing the plot again. I worked 120 hours per week for the past month. I go to gym every lunch time and fall asleep within half an hour of arriving home. I think I learned to over-compensate at work, maybe because nobody else knows what happened or that I am on meds. Driving to work this morning, I became furious at the people I work with. I have not even seen them or spoken to them yet.
May God help me to find the log in my eye today before I look for the splinters in theirs. Saint Francis of Assisi once prayed: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.Where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury,pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seekto be consoled as to console;to be understood as to understand;to be loved as to love.For it is in giving that we receive;it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen " May God grant me the same today.
Being in control is very stressful. I choose to surrender control to God today. I choose to side with Him. As much as I dislike cliches, it might not be a bad idea to stop and every once in a while ask what Jesus would have done. It might not be a bad idea to focus on God instead of waging war in my heart. I think.
A year ago (today) I was admitted to hospital, the psych ward... clinically depressed and suicidal. All my gages were broken and it was really difficult to make any judgment call whatsoever. I was indecisive and just broken.
Getting better was a long and hard road. I started exercising, changed my sleep patterns, cut out alcohol and caffeine, formed rhythms and routines and learned to keep it. I have to take a whole bunch of pills every day and I still battle with that.
This morning I realised that I am losing the plot again. I worked 120 hours per week for the past month. I go to gym every lunch time and fall asleep within half an hour of arriving home. I think I learned to over-compensate at work, maybe because nobody else knows what happened or that I am on meds. Driving to work this morning, I became furious at the people I work with. I have not even seen them or spoken to them yet.
May God help me to find the log in my eye today before I look for the splinters in theirs. Saint Francis of Assisi once prayed: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.Where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury,pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seekto be consoled as to console;to be understood as to understand;to be loved as to love.For it is in giving that we receive;it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen " May God grant me the same today.
Being in control is very stressful. I choose to surrender control to God today. I choose to side with Him. As much as I dislike cliches, it might not be a bad idea to stop and every once in a while ask what Jesus would have done. It might not be a bad idea to focus on God instead of waging war in my heart. I think.
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