Prayer for 2008

Christ, as a light

illumine and guide me.

Christ, as a shield

overshadow me.

Christ under me;

Christ over me;

Christ beside me

on my left and my right.

This day be within and without me,

lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.

Be in the heart of each to whom I speak;

in the mouth of each who speaks unto me.

This day be within and without me,

lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.

Christ as a light;

Christ as a shield;

Christ beside me
on my left and my right.

St Patrick's breastplate

New Years' Eve

I can remember where I was and what I did last year. In the morning I spent time with my Kleipot friends, in the afternoon we did our last 'fun activity' ever as a family - I took my parents and sister to the Montecasino Bird Park. I spent the evening with dear friends and then we fell asleep on their couches, 'waiting for the new year'. This is significant, because it is followed by a blur of memories, not too many very clear.

I can remember how excited I was because the coming of a new year announced then end of a period of extended working hours. And then, only five days later the wheels started coming off when a hand surgeon told me I have a melanoma.

Today I am scared of the new year. I wish I could hide somewhere until it is all over. I do not have a family to take to a bird park or anywhere else. I think I freaked those dear friends out this year - we have not spent time together in many months. I am way too scared to be excited about 2008.

I made many mistakes and I cannot undo them. I think I might have lost hope. I have given up on so many dreams and relationships and myself. I miss my friends. I feel betrayed in so many ways. I also know that I am probably irrational, but that does not make the pain less real.

May God help me in the year to come. May He protect me. May He keep His hand over me and those I love. May He keep my dad and his new family. My brother, my sister, my mom, my friends... May we know the grace of God in 2008. May He help me not to see a whole year, but rather a day at a time. Just one day and His grace in it.

Christmas 2007

This morning I was reminded of all God's special gifts in my life. He gave me the most amazing friends, people who stood by me through heartache and times when I was impossible.

To me Christmas is Jesus who came to earth and pitched a tent amongst ours (John says He 'tabernacled' amongst us). Jesus lived on earth for 33 years, died for me and you and then rose and ascended to heaven.

He left a legacy and a body. The body had its work cut out - go, tell, baptize and disciple (Matthew 28:19) and I think it really was that simple. Over the centuries we complicated our job and compromised in so many areas.

Today - I think the message is still much the same... go (move out of your comfort zone)! Tell (and when absolutely necessary use words)! Baptize! Disciple (by mimicking Jesus and encouraging others to also do that)!

I know this became a cliche .... but we really might be somebody's Bible. This year my friends became my Bible. When I could not pray, I knew they did. They became Jesus who pitched up a tent next to mine and called me family.

So, on this Christmas day 2007, I thank God for Jesus who came to dwell amongst broken people like us and for people who have the courage to follow Him.

May God bless & keep you!

Reconcilation and Restitution

Today is a public holiday in South Africa, because yesterday was the Day of Reconciliation. Pre 1994, the day was known as 'Geloftedag'.

In 1838 a man named Sarel Cilliers prayed that God would protect the Afrikaners and give the enemy in their hand (Zulus in this battle). He promised that the Afrikaners would then commemorate 16 December every year and keep it as a Sabbath.

Post 1994, the day changed to the Day of Reconciliation. Last year, a bunch of us built a sandpit for (black) blind kids living mostly in squatter camps. To me, it was a tangible way to seek reconciliation after Apartheid and make restitution.

This morning, I was confronted by reconciliation in a strange way. I love animated movies and missed Ratatouille. This morning I went to Clearwater Mall to see Bee movie. While I was in the movies, I received an sms from my bank verifying a transaction of R 1500 at Levi's. I have never owned Levi's - obviously someone was stealing from me. An hour later (after I immediately left the movie, had the card blocked and spoke to people at Levi's), I realised the only person who could have done it, was a young girl at NuMetro.

I was in two minds - I can't just storm in there and make accusations, but on the other hand, I was robbed!

It turned out that this girl did in fact take my card, asked to go to a supermarket to buy pap for her granny and then went to Levi's with my card.

When I had the centre's security, Levi's manager, NuMetro's manager and this girl in one office, I had to make a call. Do I report her to the police and have her arrested or do I let it go?

I think I am emotional and irrational these days. This kid is only seventeen years old. This was probably a first offence. If she has a criminal record, I know she will not find another job.

I dropped it. I am not sure if it was the right thing to do. I had the opportunity to have a thief apprehended, but chose to let her go. See, I have sinned. I could not cast a stone. I pray that God will help this girl to go away and not to sin anymore.

Reconciliation? It is work. We need to find ways to share the love of this God we told others chose us over them. Restitution? It is work. Every day. May God help us.

A song

Yesterday we discussed Mary's Magnificat and dwelled on the magnification of God despite all other things...


Young Mary was probably 14 - 16 years old. She had a real problem - she was pregnant! I am sure nobody would ask her how it happened, after all there is only one known way to fall pregnant. Joseph and Mary must have crossed that line, then. I am sure there was a lot of gossip and talking behind their backs.


It was also the time of the crazy king Herod who killed people (seemingly without reason) and who always felt threatened by other leaders. The Roman ceaser at the time - Augustus - was known as the son of god.

And then, young Mary sang her song. A song of God's faithfulness and all the great things He has done. Despite political leaders and her pregnancy. Despite the fact that she would probably be stoned because of her illegitimate Child, despite everything... a song of praise and to magnify God.

Tom's challenge was this - why don't we write songs or psalms to God in this Advent? Looking back on a year's journey, God must have done something for us?

So, here is my attempt:

Lord, I love you.

This year, I felt that you stripped chunks of who I thought I was away.

There were many days, I did not know where you were or how to reach you,

yet you have never left me.

Even when I could not see or hear or feel you,

you were with me.

You were a shield around me, a wall of fire.

Every time I fell, you picked me up.

Every time I sinned, you forgave.

You wiped my tears.

I still feel stripped, but now I know you are here.

You are more than just a sensoric experience...

When I don't see, hear, feel, smell or taste your presence,

you are still here.

You still protect me.

Lord, help me to know you better.

Help me to see you as you are.

Help me to look past my own ideas of who you should be and see you.

Lord, help my unbelief.

Please strengthen my knees when they buckle.

Please remind me of your loving kindness that is new every morning.

Amen

About Schmidt or about Jesus?

I adopted an orphan today. She will not live with me, but I can buy her a Christmas gift and food and some clothes. I can pray for her and maybe celebrate her birthday with her.

Her name is Lethu and she is 2-3 years old. She lives in a squatter camp north of Johannesburg (Diepsloot). This is all I know.

When I mentioned this 'adoption' to a colleague, he smiled and said 'Just like Schmidt!'. I had this internal debate for the rest of the morning and had to ask myself some serious questions. See, my friends also adopted some of these kids. Due to HIV Aids there are lots of orphans around and reality is that a lot of them will not have food to eat this Christmas. They do not have family.

So why do I want to adopt a black orphan I have never met? To validate my existence (like Schmidt)? To repent from Apartheid? Because I hate to see people suffer?

Yesterday Tom told a story about an American child. His dad tried to explain Christmas gifts and asked where they come from. The little guy replied that the wise men gave Jesus gifts. Then the dad said that Jesus is not on earth any more - so what about the gifts? Easy! Jesus said if you do it to the least of these, you have also done it to Me! So... we should give to the poor.

This Christmas, adopting an orphan is my reasonable faith. If Jesus was here, I would have loved to give Him gifts. I think He is here... just not where you would expect to find the King. I think He is in a squatter camp, giving me the opportunity to give this Christmas, the opportunity to make a Child smile.

New hope

I am always amazed when God speaks to me. It is humbling to know that the Almighty God knows about a human being and cares enough to speak to us.

Yesterday I saw my parents. They are old and bitter and out to get each other. The current fight is about the family pictures. Since they are both our parents, I believe they should share the photos, but they refuse to be civilised.

When I got home, I was overwhelmed by the devastation of everything I had and was a year ago. The image of a forest fire came to mind. It felt like there is NOTHING left - only the destruction and desolation.

This morning we discussed Isaiah 11:1-10. Tom had a picture of a forest fire and this is where I believe God spoke to me. There is hope. Jesus is my hope for today and tonight and the day of tomorrow. I might not have any answers right now and there might be real destruction in my life, but He can make it new.

I was sure we are not supposed to celebrate Christmas (maybe just because my family hurts real bad at the moment), but today's Advent message brought hope in my heart and life.

Tonight, I see a new picture - that of a bright green shoot, growing in the scarred forest of what used to be my life. It is a new beginning, a new reality - and very real.

Plans

In our community we have a great rhythm. In January we formalise our growth plans for the year and discuss it with our accountability partners. They need to agree that the plans are realistic, yet challenging - after all the purpose is to grow.

This year my accountability partner and I were all charged up and confident that we will do a lot more than we said in our plans. We are both fairly disciplined and probably both used to over-achieving. Then life happened.

Sakkie and Lindie now have two more little miracles sharing their home. Hugo and Nina were born in the winter. Paul turned out to be a great big brother. If you have read my blog over the past year, you would know that life happened to me as well.

The point of the story? It is Advent. It is time to prepare for my walk with God in the year to come. Yes, we will formalise new plans, but they might look a bit different.

What was simple, e.g. reading a few chapters in my Bible before the crack of dawn, is now complex. I need 8 hours of sleep per night, not because I am lazy, but because my mind really needs it. I still battle to concentrate when reading and I miss it a lot. I miss picking up my Bible (or another book) and getting lost in it.

My new plan? I don't know yet. This morning I was listening to an audio Bible on my way to work. Maybe that could solve a part of my problem?

I know I am more humble than a year ago. I know that in myself I am not much. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know I am a broken clay pot. I pray that I will know God more intimately - I pray that Lindie and her family will know God more intimately. I pray that He will help us, not only to make a list of plans, but also to see it through. It really is about Him, after all.

A staff, a drum and maybe some food

My friend, Tom, appealed to his friends not to buy him gifts this Christmas. He wants his rich friends to rather help his less fortunate friends. See, somewhere along the line, Christmas became an occasion where rich people buy more gifts for other rich people. This is not the heart of Christmas.

Christmas is not about shopping sprees to the tunes of BoneyM. Advent (starting tomorrow) traditionally is a time of serious reflection. It is not unlike Lent where we fast from earthly pleasures.

Originally it was a season preparing for Epiphany, January 6—which commemorates not Jesus' birth, but his adoration by the Magi (in the West) or his baptism in the Jordan River (in the East).

Some people claim Advent was first celebrated by the apostle Peter, but the exact starting date of the season has been lost to history.

Whenever it started, Advent originally was a time of fasting and self-reflection. In the mid-300s, two events changed that thinking: Constantine the Great built the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, declaring Jesus' birthday a national holiday; and Julius (bishop of Rome), set the date as December 25.

Christmas took on a happier, more celebratory feel and became a time of joyous anticipation. (By the mid-400s, even the Eastern church—with a few exceptions—recognized December 25 as Christmas. However, Advent is still a much more solemn occasion among Orthodox

For the church, purple (and blue), not red and green, are this season's colors. Over time, Advent also became an occasion to reflect on the coming of Jesus' Kingdom. This is SO MUCH MORE than His birth.

Yes, Jesus becoming flesh (pitching a tent on earth?) is a miracle. He made it possible for us, sinners - broken people, to become part of the Kingdom of God. If He did not come, we would have been lost.

Yet, I don't see any instuctions for us to celebrate His birth. However, I do see an instruction to go and spread the message that the Kingdom is near. I do hear James saying we can't just 'wish everybody has enough' when we have the means to make a diference.

I don't think Jesus is asking rocket science. I think He is asking what we have, just like Moses and his staff. Today I heard 'Drummer boy' on the radio and I believe Jesus would have listened to him playing his drum if that was what he could offer.

What is in your hand? Your cupboards? What skills do you have? Let us give that this Christmas. Maybe we should leave our 'thrones' a while and serve God by serving others. Let's accept the challenge to make a difference and spread the Good News that Jesus came to set the captives free, open prison doors, make the blind see... What do you think?

Disarmed

Last night I visited two dear friends. Jan has bipolar disorder, he used to be pastor before he got sick, but the church had difficulty with his 'mood swings' and disease in general. These days he studies Journalism.

A whole new world opened to my friend when he embarked on this new course. Amongst other things his wife is concerned about the content of the books he now enjoys. Lately he has been reading some of the Dalai Lama's work and soon the conversation steered in that direction.

In a conversation about disarming hostile countries, the Dalai Lama commented that taking their weapons away whilst their souls are still armed, is senseless. Disarming starts inside, surrender your weapons and guns will not be a temptation to you.

When Jan said this, something clicked. When I went back to my community, I did so with a huge amount of reservation and definitely armed and dangerous. I walked in with my ideas of how things will be going forward, who I will allow close to me and where my boudaries are. I was determined that nothing would get me down again and nobody would hurt me, because they won't be close enough to do so.

After listening to Jan last night, I think I heard Jesus asking me to disarm. Put down the weapons one by one. Be exposed. After all, the body is integrated. If you are not integrated, you can at best be like a broken limb - causing pain and held in position with plaster of paris.

I pray that God will grant me the guts to surrender my agenda, my arms and all my ammunition; to be disarmed again; to really be part of His body. Just one day at a time.

Giving thanks

It is Thanksgiving weekend in America. In our community, we take the time to celebrate it. Every week we do provide a platform to thank God, but once a year, we take a service to talk about the good things God does in our lives.

This morning we spoke about Jesus and the ten lepers (at the hand of Luke 17) and how the Samaritan turned back to thank Jesus whilst the 9 Jewish lepers continued their 5 day journey to the temple (following Jesus' instruction).

Leprosy is not common in our modern society, but there are other illnesses that does what leprosy did in the time of Luke. This morning we mentioned Aids. I have to mention mental illnesses.

This year I felt like a leper. I isolated myself and when I was amongst people, I 'knew' I was different. Some of my friends tried to help. Some just avoided me. Some told others they are praying for me. Today I am grateful for children.

Paul and Tayla are both two and a bit years old. I am so grateful that God and their parents allowed me to be a part of their lives. They never looked at me strangely. There were no awkward silences. We just played. If I were a fan of cloning, I'd probably have those two cloned - I pray that everybody will have somebody like Paul and Tayla in their lives. They don't judge or question you. They simply enter into conversation about anything around. They learn and teach. They became Jesus to me.

I am not a leper. I may do things different from the way I did a year ago, but I am still me. I am grateful that God carried me in this year. I had a cancer scare, but no cancer. I had an accident with my car, but wasn't hurt. My parents got divorced, but I still have parents. My mom was really sick and had a big operation, but she is a little better every day. I work hard, but I have a good job.

God's mercies truly are new every morning. I pray hat He will help me to see the beauty in every day. I pray that He will alert me to the simple things in life. A child's laughter, a wild flower, a sunset... and that when I do see it, I will remember the Source and remember to thank Him. After all, it is only good manners ;-)

Some days...

.... just look better upside down ;-) - Eeyore

I have a few young friends who seem to like Winnie the Pooh & friends and now I notice Winnie, Tigger & Eeyore.

I read this truth by Eeyore this morning and couldn't agree more.

Multitude of blessings

"However many blessings we expect from God, His infinite liberality will always exceed all our wishes and our thoughts."- John Calvin

Celtic confession

Count us not as nothing, O God,
count us not at nothing, O Christ,
count us not as nothing, O kind Spirit,
nor abandon us to eternal loss.

We confess our sins to you, Father, Son, and Spirit Holy.
Compassionate God of life, your kindly pardon give:
for our careless talk,
our broken oath,
our empty speech;
for all that we have left undone,
for all that we have done amiss.

Jesus, only-begotten Son and Lamb of God the Father,
you gave the blood of your body to save us from the grave.

As we receive the Word and knowledge of your forgiveness,
enshield us, encircle us,
each day, each night, each dark, each light.

Uphold us, be our treasure, our triumph everlasting;
strong Son of God most high.

Success

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Standing, falling, sitting, standing and falling

Lord, I wish I could see you.

I wish I could talk to you - face to face - and somehow gage your thoughts.

I am so scared to love and to hope - I am scared to get hurt.

I wish I could just focus on the things of the life hereafter,

but I keep coming back to the now.

Lord, I believe that you called us to be your body - now.

I believe that your kingdom comes now.

The problem is, living on earth, I can't see you.

I also have wants and needs and longings here and now.

Lord, please help me to stand.

Please help me to take one step at a time.

Please hold my hand.

Do not leave me, please do not forsake me.

Lord, help my unbelief!

Help me to deal with my fears and anxieties.

I beg this in Jesus' Name.

Amen

Budgets and the day of tomorrow

On Sunday our stewards are presenting a stewardship workshop. We will look at three things:

• A feasible budget for 2008
• Progress from where we are
• Margin / saving in our (individual) budgets

I am excited to see how much effort they make with our community's finances. See, I think money is a gift from God. We are His stewards taking care of His money and therefore we have to be wise and knowledgable.

About a year and a half ago our stewards started praying this prayer and asked us to join them in doing so:

"Two things I ask of you, O Lord; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God. " Prov.30:7-9

This prayer is part of today's preparations for the workshop. This is still my prayer. Our Father, only our daily bread - just for today. Thank you for your provision today. Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning. Thank you for your love and care and thank you that you made days and nights - and thank you that I can trust you with my entire being today. Thank you for my friends and that they can help me plan for tomorrow and next year. Lord, I pray that you will always be Number One in our finances. Please help us to always acknowledge and worship the Giver, not the gift. In Jesus' Name.

Gandhi or Hitler?

I am reading a book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross called 'Life lessons'. My psychiatrist recommended that I read it (and the other advice she gave me paid off).

In the very first chapter (on authenticity) she states that we all have the potential to be a Gandhi or a Hitler... or any shade of grey in between. By denying your dark (shadow?) side, you only make matters worse.

I have always believed that a drunk person is usually an honest person, because there is no pretense left and no harm perceived in letting their guard (even further) down. I am starting to think that people suffering from depression is not much different. Authenticity is not this ideal anymore - it just happened.

When I read some of my posts in retrospect, I cannot believe how much I said and how much of it I meant at the time. Maybe I have lost my tact or maybe I am just tired of pretending. I crave what is real.

I feel stripped. I feel exposed. I know that I am lost without God. I have never needed my friends' love to cover me more.

I can be Gandhi or Hitler or anything in between. I pray that God will be with me and that He will mold me. I pray that He will guard my mouth and that I won't hurt others with what I am saying. I pray that He will cover me with His love and help me to love Him with everything I have and others as myself.

Back to basics

This morning I feel a little lost. The flurry of events over the past two months took me away from my known and (by now) comfortable routine. I did not do my bit to keep healthy.

When I first saw the psychiatrist, she told me that I am the manager and she the consultant of this depression. I could ask her questions, she could explain, give me some guidance and a script, but I had to actively manage it. Management included regular exercise, a proper diet, enough sleep, limited caffeien and alcohol.

A month of chaos lead to zero routine and today I am down and battle to concentrate. I feel detached and suspicious. I am tired and weepy and feel just stupid.

Today I pray that God will help me to manage depression better and to get back into my routine. When I am in a routine, I can function. I used to take pride in it that I can adapt quickly, but I seem to have lost that ability.

I need God to shelter me. I need to know that He is there and that He has good intentions. I cannot understand how a good and loving God can allow something like depression with its crushing effects in my life. There is almost nothing left of my relationships before depression. For the first time ever, I battle to understand the first time someone explains something to me. The medication I take, have all kinds of side effects - some become more tolerable over time and others (like morning sickness for the past nine months, even though I am definetely not pregnant) I will probably never get used to.

I don't want to have this disease. I don't like what it does to me and those around me. I have asked God to heal me, I have confessed every possible sin, others prayed for me and still pray for me. Then there is the guilt because I almost always feel blue and others tiptoeing - not wanting to ask or say anything. I am still me, even though I became a stranger to myself. I am still the person I was when I became your friend.

Today, I pray that God will keep me safe. I think I will go to gym in lunchtime and try to do my bit. Even though I don't understand much now.

Blessed to be a blessing

In Genesis 12 God spoke to Abraham and promised him that he would be blessed to be a blessing. This "blessed to bless" is a recurrent theme in the Pentateuch as well as the prophets and when we got to the New Testament, I think we gave it a new name. We talk about spiritual gifts. Maybe "gifted to give"?

I think there are a few common misperceptions regarding spiritual gifts. Somewhere along the line, we added up the gifts Paul and Peter listed and defined the ultimate list of gifts. It became a check sheet to see just how holy we are. All of a sudden, there were people who were more spiritual than others.

Then we expanded the list... we included a few 'practical things' like leading worship. We have great worship leaders in our community and I love them. However, I do not love them more than the person compiling the data for our calendar or the person offering a meal to someone.

I believe we complicate a simple matter. We are still blessed to be a blessing and gifted so we can give. So what is a gift then? A gift is whatever God gave me - every talent and skill, every asset, all of it. What am I to do with these gifts? Pass it on. Serve God and serve the body.

We received freely and therefore need to give freely. We need to edify (build) the body. We need to apply our minds, bodies and hearts (with all our passion) to serve God and the body of Christ.

Maybe we don't need lists and categories of gifts. Maybe we don't even need to colour code or file it. Maybe we must just do it. Just be. Come as you are. Use what you have in your hand (Moses).

Maybe the most important part is to pitch up, ready to put my entire being and all 'my possessions' on the altar.

After all we are blessed to be a blessing and gifted to give...

To love or not to love

My mom has been in hospital for almost a month now. During the same month we had our financial year end at work, we have a lot of projects that require extra time and energy, we are running short on staff and life just happened. Mind you, life seems to happen to me all the time.

I am just so tired.

On my Google screen, there are quotes of Mother Theresa (ironically, my mom's name is Theresa). Today's quote is: "Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

I am tired. I don't know how to help my mom. Helplessness frustrates me. When I get agitated, I don't exactly feel like I love my mom.

What is love anyway? If it is a fuzzy feeling, I fail. If it is never to get angry, I fail. If love is to serve all the time, I'm not sure I'm doing a good job. The only way I can think of to love my mom, is to go back there tomorrow. I hope she sees a small part of my heart and care. May God keep my intentions pure and help me to communicate it properly.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you live life? Just one day at a time.

May God work a miracle in my heart and help to love the way He does. Tirelessly. Over and over. Seventy times seven times and then just one more time.

Looking for God

I used to love reading. At the moment I battle a little to concentrate, but as I recover I start remembering things I have read.

Whilst driving home this afternoon, I remembered what CS Lewis said about looking for God. He said: "Looking for God-or Heaven-by exploring space is like reading or seeing all Shakespeare's plays in the hope that you will find Shakespeare as one of the characters..."

If God is not to be found in space, where is He? I think He is in His body - the Church. If you have read this blog over the past few months, you'll know that this is not a statement I can make casually.

Community remains a challenge in my life. To share - not only goods, but lives; to receive - I think giving is so much easier; to belong - even when you don't want to... to be a living sacrifice. To a large extent living as a sacrifice to God could be fairly easy - but when being a sacrifice means putting my own wants and needs aside for the greater good of His body, it can be challenging.

We are talking about fitting into the body in our community. The picture Paul chose implies that you have a role to play. You have to bring something to the party. And sometimes, you need to receive. That's how God made the body. Give and take.

It could have been more fun if we could choose our roles in the body, but on the other hand - we might have had seven heads and no kidneys. God made us the way we are. God called us to be a part of His body. God knows everything - our strengths, our weaknesses, what we need and what we can give.

The other day a colleague asked me about church - I was privileged to tell of people preparing dinner for me while my mom is in hospital and stewards looking our for me. There are people in my community who prayed for me when I could not pray. The next question was (not surprising) about what we believe? I could see the worry on his face - surely this had to be a weird sect. Not. We believe in God. We believe we should love Him with all our heart and passion and energy and those around us as ourselves. How we respond is determined by just this.

Community is give and take. Community is the place where I find God. Right there, in His body. Just like He promised.

Peace in pieces

"Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul; we may preserve it in the midst of bitterest pain if our will remains firm and submissive."

- Francois de Fenelon (1651-1715)

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen."

- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And for peace to be real, it must be unaffected by outside circumstances."

- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"I can live through Wednesday if God is with me and I find peace in Him, I choose to put my trust in Him - just for today."

- Emtia Grobbelaar (1975- )

Theology

Yesterday I saw a CD entitled 'Theology'. I did not spend much time in the shop and did not listen to it, but thought it was a peculiar title.

Theology literally means 'a word about God'. I studied Theology - in my first year one of our lecturers said that the very word is presumptuous. No human could ever say a word about God.
Obviously, in your first year you have all the answers and lots of words about everything.

Today I think I understand it. I don't have anything to say. I could echo what God said about Himself, but I do not have anything to add.

I do not have clever interpretations or bright ideas. I am content to accept what God said and believe just that.

I believe in You

Lord, even though it feels like the world is standing on its head

and sticking out its tongue at me,

I believe in You.

I feel outnumbered, but I believe You are for me and with me.

Even when I do not know where to go or what to do next, You guide me.

You are there every step of the way.

You light my path.

You remind me that there is none like You.

When I don't see the quiet waters and Heidi's green pastures, You still provide.

Every day enough.

When I can't hear You or feel You, You do not leave me.

I believe in You.

I believe your mercies are new every morning.

I believe in You.

By now I know that there are no magic formulas to get You to do things,

You are not influenced by positive thinking or confessions,

You simply are.

I don't think You care about what people wrote about You

or about how You operate.

You just are God. Fullstop.

You have all the authority in heaven and earth and

yet You don't run around trying to impress people.

I am tired and I'm not even going to attempt to describe You,

I just know You are there and I believe in You.

No matter what.

Monday morning

The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride. It was crazy, scary, nauseating, upside down. At times I wanted to giggle, then I wanted to cry, I was scared, sometimes I was screaming and sometimes just whining (mostly on this blog).

Last week I decided to remove some of my posts as my perspective has changed. Yesterday I mentioned it to two dear friends and after a short discussion decided to leave it just the way it is.

I am human. I have sinned. I err on a daily basis. I also have depression which makes me erratic, irrational and downright impossible at times. Yet, God loves me. This morning I am so aware of His protection despite everything that happened and will still happen.

I do believe that He is close to those with a broken spirit. I do believe that He can pick the pieces of my heart and life up and make something beautiful.

Lord,

trying to make sense of everything is too difficult for me,

but I do believe that you care.

I figured out that a lot of things I clinged to are not true.

Please show me your way?

When I can't walk, please carry me again?

You know that I am weak.

You know everything about me.

I don't understand your love and care, but I do know that it is real.

I do not understand the road you chose, but I will walk it if you are with me.

Please - do not remove your Spirit from me?

Help me to hear you, see you and to taste that you are good.

Help me to find you?

Please help me to do your will today - just where I am.

May your Kingdom come today.

In Jesus' name

Amen

Psalm 34

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left. 1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Prodigals

This week I have been pondering on Henri Nouwen's "Prodigal Son". I think I have been the father, the younger son and once again the elder son this year.

My mom is in ICU. She had a gastrictomy on Wednesday. She is very ill. Now - I have had questions about healing for many years now. If positive confessions were to do the trick, I would have been healed. If it was about professing the name of Jesus, or getting two more people to pray with me, or even taking a leap of faith, I should have seen results... Reality (for now) does not include these miraculous interventions. Claiming that God wants to heal my emotions? I don't know.

Here is what I do know - when I read Nouwen in the beginning of the year, I could associate with the father. I did not like it - I wanted to be able to be selfish and I wanted people to care for me (for a change), yet I accomodated them.

Then, I became the younger prodigal. I took a walk on the wild side and - shock, gasp, horror - put my Bible away. I neglected my community. I was angry with the Father. A lot of things happened (which I still don't understand). Yet, I had friends who prayed for me - more than that, they offered me 'a glass of cold water in the desert'. They picked up phones and called me. They have sent text messages and emails. They kept on inviting me over, even though I declined almost all invitations. They helped me to come home again. Without these dear people, who became Jesus to me, I am not sure where I would have been tonight.

This week I somehow became the elder son again. I was shocked at the resentment I felt when I had to step in to help my mom. My siblings do not live in Johannesburg. My parents recently got divorced and my dad was not prepared to jump in. The buck had to stop somewhere - right here. I think I was a bit like the brothers in Jesus' story - I did the right thing, because it was the right thing to do. That made it wrong. This week God changed my heart. When I became tired, He sent people to hold my arms high. Aaron and Joshua became friends who offered to cook me dinner and who were prepared to come to my place of work on their day off to check in. Others prayed. I was not alone and life was not that unfair after all.

Tonight, I wish I knew which role was the easiest and the most Christ-like. I suspect that I will become all 3 of these again and again and at times we could be more than one of these characters at the same time.

For now... I cherish God's involvement in my life. I cherish the friends He gave me, people who are not scared to get their hands dirty. People who did not condemn me when I dined with the pigs, but rather became instruments of His love, tugging me back to the True Father.

U is getrou

O Here U is so getrou. Van die dag van my geboorte kyk U na my.

Alles wat ek het, het ek van U ontvang, en dit is ontelbaar! Ek sien, hoor,

Kan dink en redeneer, gesels en lag. En as daar 'n traan is, is U daar om te troos.

U is Groot en Magtig.

Here, U is my lewe, U sorg vir my. U het die aarde gemaak en alles daarop en

'n Pragtige deel is vir my afgemeet. Dankie Vader. Elke dag is vol van U

Genade; en dit is alles onverdiend.

Bly by my o Heer - nou en altyd.

Amen.

Recalculating

When I upgraded my cellphone, I got a GPS unit with it. Initially I thought it was just too much trouble to install it. When I eventually got around to doing it, it became a great tool.

I also learned something from it, it recalculates your route if you did not follow the initial plan.

My world is upside down. My parents got divorced on the 7th of September this year. I helped them move into separate flats, I took my mom to the high court and sat there when the judge granted the divorce. My circumstances at work changed. I avoided my community and became alienated. I deviated from the route I set out to follow and tried to fix it with even more wrong decisions.

This morning I visited my mom in hospital and she looked so frail. It scared me. It made me realise again that I need to recalculate. I can sit in the corner and cry because I am trying to push an elephant up the stairs or I can turn to God. As frustrated as I have been the last year because I could not hear God, I certainly got no answers without calling out to Him.

I need God more than ever. I nurtured wrong habits and I know I cannot undo it with a single decision. I need to nurture new habits, new ways of doing things.

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) said: "As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think
over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."

I put all my cards on the table. Although I am exposed, I am in a better place than being on my own. This thing called community is tough, but it is the right habit.

Recalculating... counting the cost ... recalculating ... adjusting direction and course... recalculating

When God asks more than common sense

I have this weird idea that God is not interested in common sense. See, in our culture you are not fooled by the same person twice. When you are hurt, you build a wall. In South Africa, we build the walls with electric fences before we are hurt.

We put huge signs around our lives, proclaiming "Private Property - no trespassing allowed". We try to protect our hearts and in doing so, become prisoners of our own fears.

Yesterday I attended the Sunday service in my old community and today I have this (horrible) suspicion that God might be asking more than common sense of me. I think He might actually want me to go back. To be exposed again.

On an intellectual level, it is ludicrous. I hear echoes like: "You fool me once, shame on you. You fool me twice, shame on me" and "not even a donkey bumps its head on the same rock twice".

But then, there is another voice, saying: "seventy times seven", "forgive us, as we forgive" and "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they do".

So today, I think, God wants more than common sense. I think he wants love - all my mind, all my heart, all my soul. My entire being.

Finding God in a plate of pasta

Philip Yancey wrote a book called "Finding God in unexpected places". Last night I did just that.

I had dinner with a friend and a bunch of kids. God was there. I think the penny dropped - no (wo)man can be an island. We were made to live in community.

I can list the benefits of an 'island style' life:

- You are not exposed
- Nobody can be disappointed in you or hurt by you
- You can mind your own business and nobody else interferes in it
- You can do anything you want, where you want and when you want
- Nobody can hurt you, because nobody matters enough to do that

The problems with this lifestyle would be:

- You are exposed - you stand alone
- You miss out on being involved in other lives and sharing Jesus
- You miss out on the opportunity of being part of the body of Christ
- You become selfish
- You hurt, because there is nobody to share your pain.

On Sunday, I am going back to my community. I am scared. Truthfully, I am going because I promised somebody a long time ago that I will be there this week. I hope it breaks the ice. No (wo)man is an island.

I need to belong. I did not find God on my own, looking in all kinds of places, but last night He was there. He was in the friendly conversation and a plate of pasta. I have no illusions about living in a community and do not expect a honeymoon, but I have weighed the options and calculated the cost.

Screwtape and life as I know it

This morning my accountability partner sent me this message. It is an extract from CS Lewis' Screwtape letters: 'Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.'

I feel so guilty because I cannot snap out of this depression. I feel like I am always complaining and I don't like being around people like that. Then you get a message from a friend and you know you are still loved. Yesterday I got an email from a friend with bits of news - they are expecting a boy in the next 6 weeks and between the lines I read that I was loved despite everything that happened and that I have done. I also had a chat on Gmail with another friend, asking if I am coping financially and I knew I was loved.

My world shrunk on this bumpy ride, it turned upside down a few times, but it is OK because I am still loved.

You are nothing but a broken clay jar (I am nothing but a broken clay jar), yet you are (I am) still loved. Still chosen to carry the Good News of Jesus in this broken body.

Heritage day

Yesterday we celebrated Heritage day in South Africa. It was a public holiday and I took my brother (visiting from London) to Soweto. It was thought provoking.

We saw Nelson Mandela's house and Desmond Tutu's house (both on Vilakazi street), the Hector Pietersen memorial as well as the Gloria Mundi church where 600 children died in a stampede when police started shooting at them and pumping tear gas into the church. We saw the rich areas as well as the squatter camps.

The stories somehow sound very different to what they did when I studied the apartheid laws and uprisings in History. Yesterday I looked a man in the eyes whose brother died because he insisted the brother take him to the (political) gathering at Gloria Mundi.

Living in South Africa, I have been tempted to say that I never voted before 1994 (our first democratic election). I have been tempted to condemn people for repeating stories about the sins of our past. On the other hand, if I am honest, I have to admit that I am still benefiting from apartheid. If I wasn't white, I wouldn't have studied where I did. I wouldn't have met the people who influenced my later career. If I did not meet them, I would not have had my nice car or comfortable home.

Yesterday, when I looked Emmanuel (whose brother died) in the eyes, I realised that all these luxuries came at a very expensive price. One I did not pay.

I pray that God will heal our country's scars. I pray that we will learn from each other. I pray that God will help the people who paid the price to forgive and that He will comfort them.

This morning I am still at a loss for words. Nothing I say or do today can fix anything. However, I will always try to remember this different perspective on our heritage.

Yom Kippur

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. It is the holiest day on the Jewish calender. It was the one day every year where the people would either get God's nod or the high priest would die.

Once a year the high priest would go into the holy of holies with a bowl of blood to intercede for the people of Israel. There were lots of preparations to be done. The people had to pray and repent (since Rosh Hashanah, ten days before). Two goats would be taken - one killed and the other sent away, symbolically carrying the sins of the people from the camp.

The high priest could not sleep the night before in case he had less than pure dreams. On the big day he wore his high priestly robe with bells around the bottom. A rope was tied around his ankle and then the scene was set. He entered into the holy of holies to confess the sins of Israel.

Sometimes God said no. To me, this is hard to understand. When God said 'no', the high priest died. When the priests in the holy part of the tabernacle and later temple, did not hear the bells anymore, they pulled him out by the rope around his ankle. I think that must have been the worst kind of rejection. The people had to wait another year before they could approach God again in this manner.

Sometimes, God said yes! Rabbi Akiba wrote that when the high priest walked out of the holy of holies, it was like the wind blowing through the trees, it was like a beautiful moonlit night. They were forgiven.

When Jesus died, the curtain to the holy of holies tore from top to bottom. God made an end to this practice. We can approach God through Jesus at any given time. We do not have to wait another year for another chance at making things right with God.

I think we have lost the reverence people once had for GOd and I certainly take a lot of things for granted. May God be with us and reveal Himself to us. May we have open hearts and open ears. May we always remember where we came from and what Jesus did for us.

Today, may we also experience the mystery of the wind blowing through the trees and a beautiful moonlit night. May we experience God's 'yes' in our lives.

I want to go home now

One of the current hit songs in Johannesburg is a ong called 'Home' by Daughtry. These are the lyrics:

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

I think this is the song of the prodigal son. Every time I hear it, I long to go home. Every time I hear it, I wish this darkness will go away. I am sure the rest of the world must think I went off my rocker and nothing can be this bad.

Maybe, when you pray, you can mention my name? I want to go home, but I can't find my way there.

Psalm 88 (NIV)

A song. A psalm of the Sons of Korah. For the director of music. According to mahalath leannoth. A maskil of Heman the Ezrahite.
1 O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.

2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.

4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah

8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;

9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah

11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?

12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.

14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.

16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.

17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.

18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

Rosh Hashanah

Rosh Hashanah is observed the first and second day of the seventh month of the Jewish calender, Tishri. Coming in the Fall season of the western calendar, usually in September. In Israel Rosh Hashanah is the only holiday kept for 2 days as it is considered too important to be observed for only 24 hours. Both days are considered one long day of 48 hours.

The Jewish Holiday of Rosh Hashanah is widely known and celebrated as the New Years Day of the Jewish calendar, but actually Rosh Hashanah has a fourfold meaning - It is the Jewish indeed the new year, but also the Day of Judgement, the Day of Remembrance, and the Day of Shofar Blowing.

Day of Judgement

Jews worldwide examine their past deeds and asks for forgiveness for their sins. This is done in preparation for Yom Kippur. It is believed that on Rosh Hashanah the destiny of all mankind is recorded byGod in the Book of Life. After Rosh Hashanah services, as the congregants leave the synagogue they say to each other... "May you be inscribed in the Book of Life"

Day of Shofar Blowing

The Shofar (the rams horn) is blown in temple to herald the beginning of the 10 day period known as the High Holy Days.

Day of Remembrance

As Jews review the history of their people and pray for Israel.

And of course it is the new year.

The traditions of Rosh Hashanah are simple as the only commandment specified for this day is the blowing of the shofar. In temple the shofar is blown on Rosh Hashanah to herald the beginning of the period known as the High Holy Days. Traditional foods are sweetened with honey, apples and carrots are served, symbolizing sweetness, blessings, abundance and the hope for a sweet year ahead.

The first night's meal begins with apple dipped in honey. Challah, the bread usually eaten on the Sabbath (not braided as at regular meals but instead baked in a circle - a wish that the coming year will roll around smoothly without unhappiness or sorrow) is also dipped in honey before eating.

On the first day of Rosh Hashanah, after the afternoon services, Jews visit a body of water or pond, containing live fish, to symbolically "cast away" their sins into the river.
The fish's dependence on water symbolizes the Jews dependence on God, as a fish's eyes never close, God's watchful eyes never cease.

I think these are amazing traditions.

Nothing for nothing?

In April a close friend of mine had a birthday party sponsored for their two year old. She just had to pay for the paper plates and a few other things. However, when the invoice arrived, the few things she had to pay amounted to much more than the average birthday party's cost.

At the time we had a long chat about freebies and how nothing is really free. If people do not expect money back, they will ask something else. When I wrote the 'Ex gratia' post, this was in the back of my mind and I thought I proved our theory wrong.

Our theory stood the test. Nothing is free after all. The medical aid will still not cover my expenses and I feel cheated. Jonah comes to mind. God gave him a tree and when the tree died, he got upset.

I guess I should take a page from Jonah's book today - if it wasn't yours to start with, why be upset when you loose it? Chin up, wipe your cheeks. I still have a job and I am healthy. The sun is shining and the birds chirping (really).

Today is also Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New year) and maybe, just maybe, today is the start of a new chapter in my life and walk with God.

I am

I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am. -- John Newton

Ex gratia

Ex gratia literally means out of grace.

The strangest thing happened last week. My medical aid was depleted for the first time in my life. I hardly ever claimed before, but this year I had a lot of medical expenses. I accepted the fact and just wondered how I was going to make ends meet.

In passing mentioned the depletion of the fund to the medical sister on site. She gave me a form to complete with the details of the medication I am using as well as the treatment plan. After I completed the forms, I forgot about it.

This morning I had an email from the medical aid saying they will continue to pay for my treatment - ex gratia. Not because of anything I have done or said or could do in return. Just because.

I would like to think out Jesus in that way. He gives - ex gratia. I cannot deserve His love. I cannot work to become acceptable to Him. Grace alone.

Night and nightmares

Every time I think I am getting up, I fall harder. Every time I think I can see light, this (eternal?) darkness comes as a bigger shock.

Life must go on. My parents’ divorce was finalised on Friday. I think I was brave. I thought I am ready to pick all the pieces up and go on with my life. At some stage, I need to return to Sunday services (and honestly, I dread it). I cannot live in isolation, yet contact with other Christians upset me. I am bawling my eyes out about a stupid email whilst writing this post. I am just so tired of being misunderstood. I don’t want to defend myself anymore.

There are four people in my community who maintained contact with me, even when I claimed that I was not a Christian. These people became the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. They loved me and cared for me, when I did not want to live. When I make statements like in the previous paragraph, I hope they don’t read it, because they have the opposite effect on me.

So maybe there are different kinds of Christians or maybe I am just confused. Maybe I am just not as well as I thought I was. I am still desperate to hear God’s voice. I am desperate to experience His love for me. I want to serve God. May He shine His light into this darkness and bring an end to the nightmare.

Monday

It is a gorgeous day in Johannesburg. I think we somehow skipped spring and fast forwarded to summer.

I have no profound ideas or serious questions today. I am not in the middle of an existential crisis and will not attempt to save the world in the next few hours. It is simply Monday, the second day of the week. It is also a few of my friends' birthday today.

Marie works in my building, she is 60 today. Her son was born with one arm. He recently got divorced and tried to commit suicide. She knits scarves for an additional income (I am sure she is not as ecstatic about summer as the rest of us). She is one of the bravest people I know. She got a raw deal, but always manages a smile or a joke and an interesting story.

Wilna crossed my path 3 years ago. She is a teacher, is married to Pieter (an engineer) and they have 2 beautiful children. Dawid is 5 and Talita 3. She always manages to see the silver lining.

Yvonne is a dear friend. Her husband has bipolar disorder. She referred me to the psychiatrist I am using. She reads my scripts and tells me when I need to see the doctor soon (i.e. I am not coping and need to make a plan). She is my 'reality check friend' who can tell me anything and I will not get angry. I trust her. She never tries to tell me that I am 'going through a phase' or 'the Lord is still on the throne'. We have a long shared history, they were also in the ministry before.

Tayla is 2 today. She is Tom & Lollie's little princess. She is always friendly and I think everybody can learn something from her. From time to time Tom shares about the things she does and says on Soulgardeners. I would like to consider her my friend, will just check with her if it is OK the next time I see her.

Today I am grateful for these precious people. I am grateful that the Lord saved them for another year and that He is involved in each of their lives in a special way.

Pieces

Tomorrow I will accompany my mom to the divorce court. My parents' marriage of almost 34 years will become null and void. I am not sure what to think or feel. I think I am just going through the motions and trying to be tough so my family can mourn.

A lot of things seem to have shattered over the last months. There seem to be pieces of my life all over.

I think all there is left to do after tomorrow is to pick all the pieces up with Jesus and to allow Him to mend this broken pot. One day at a time.

Honesty

Yesterday my friend Tom asked me to read Psalm 55 every day of this week, but only if I wanted to. I read it today. I also read his latest post (under my shared items).

It brought back a lot of memories from my honours year. We read The Message of the Psalms: A Theological Commentary (Walter Brueggemann) and our Old Testament lecturer spoke a lot about honest communication with God (I think he even did a doctorate on it).

I also remembered a song that I was always too scared to sing. I think the song was called Sacrifice, and a part of the lyrics said Honestly Jesus, you can strip me to the core, I will love you more and more, living a sacrificed life. It scared me, because it implies exposure, possible pain and sacrifice.

I think that somehow I have been stripped of a lot of things and it is not necessarily a bad place to be. When the pretense falls away and you know that you will die if God does not intervene and you simply cannot help yourself might be a good place to start. As children we used to say 'Let's start again' when a game did not go the way you anticipated. Maybe Jesus and I can start over. Maybe this is the place where I can get to know Jesus again for the first time.

When God is hidden

I don't know where God is. I am not sure He listens when I pray. I don't see Him, I don't hear Him, but I am looking for Him.

Over the past 12 months I have lost almost everything and everyone that was dear to me. I changed jobs and worked super-long days, I had a cancer scare and had an accident with my new car. My parents are getting divorced on Friday and had a long and tedious fight up to this point. I am just so tired of fighting and yet I can't stay down. I have a responsible job. My parents depend on me. My siblings seem to think I can fix things.

If I could email God (and there are websites you can do this) and be sure He reads my mail, if I could somehow get a 'read receipt' I would ask a few questions.

It is very presumptuous to imagine that God would read my blog, but He did read Hiskia's note, didn't He? He did see his tears and granted him extra time.

I guess what I really want to say to Him is this:

Lord, I need you more than ever, but today, I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by you and your body. If this is punishment (like some Christians are telling me), I don't understand what it is for. I am supposed to be your child. Forgiven? I am supposed to be part of your body, but I hurt. I am supposed to be part of your bride, but I don't see you. Everytime I get up, I get pushed down again. Why are you hiding or am I just looking in the wrong places? Where are you? Why don't you speak to me? Don't you care that my life seems to be falling apart? Don't you care about this black hole I am in? Where is your care and your provision when I need you most? Since you are God, the fault is probably on my end of this relationship, but I need your help to find you? Please don't leave me where I am this morning. Amen

Small mercies

On Friday I got a (close to) hysterical phonecall from my mom. She wanted me to have the cats put down. The cats have been around for 10 years and neither my mom nor my dad could take them with to their flats.

Help came from a totally unexpected source - a Muslim friend took Anastasia and an atheist friend took Rusti (my sister insisted on this spelling).

I saw the hand of God in this. Small mercies. The Bible says His mercies are new every morning - I think this is somehow easier to believe before the day's rush starts, when everything is cool and crisp... and then on a dusty Friday afternoon God shows up and save two family cats.

Letting go

My parents are getting divorced. They have been married for 33 and a half years. At this stage, I don't feel much about it. I just want it over.

With the divorce came a whole lot of other issues. My sister lived in their house until today. Today she is moving to Durban. In my mind, she always was my little sister and I had to protect her from a lot of things.

Today I need to take a step back. I cannot protect her. She got hurt in this divorce - yesterday she gave me her Bible and said she gave up on serving God, because praying did not help her much. She does not read this blog and does not know how close I came to giving up myself.

I am nervous about this move, I think this is how a parent bird must feel when that little bird takes its first leap from the nest. The difference is this - I am nowhere near Durban. On the other hand I do have technology to help me cross the distance.

Today I have to trust God to take care of Ester. To keep her and protect her and to heal her. Because I can't.

Thursday afternoon

It is Thursday afternoon and I just put the phone down after speaking to a friend. Every time I do this, I ask myself the same kind of questions.

I am not convinced that a Christian can exist outside community, but being part of community means opening oneself up and implies vulnerability. Experience taught me that it hurts. I really do think it is better if I am not exposed anymore than I really have to be, but then... I am back to square 1.

Yesterday I took my mom to her (divorce) lawyer. When I got back a Christian friend asked me how it went and when I was not too positive about the meeting, her response was, 'Can't be! I prayed.' Before I could stop myself I said that I have been praying for months to no avail.

I don't understand God or His ways. I don't understand why He asks what I believe He does. I read all Philip Yancey's books (which I thoroughly enjoyed at the time) and I still don't know where God is when it hurts or why it is so difficult for me to connect with an invisible God.

Sometimes I think I should not blog anymore or speak to other Christians, because I don't sound like a Christian anymore.

I still believe that there is a God, I believe Jesus died and rose again. I just battle to find Him through all the noises of my life. And then the phone rings and a friend reminds me that there is still a catholic church and that Christians probably should not try to find God alone. And I am back to square 1 yet again.

The meaning of success

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty,

to find the best in others;

to leave the world a little better;

whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is the meaning of success." -

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I give up

This morning there is no fight left in me. I give up. I feel ancient. I feel like I have seen it all, done more than my part and just cannot carry on.

I don't know where God is and if He cares at all. Why didn't He make me different? So somebody could love me and take care of me? Or tougher, so I could cope?

I don't know which emotions are real, I don't know which facts are true and which are just illusions.Tricks played by my own mind? Drug induced?

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to face another day. I just can't do this any more.

Hearts

"If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care."

- Marvin J. Ashton (1915-1994)

Obedience

I own a cat (who thinks he owns me). His name is Thomas O'Malley. For some unknown reason, Thomas likes to bring me little gifts which he always leaves in the same spot in front of my bed. These vary from rats to snakes and then pieces of paper I suspect was blowing in the wind.

I wish Thomas would understand that I love him and I really do not want him to catch all these things and bring it home. I juct want him to be a cat. I want him to be home when I get there. I want him to snuggle. I want him to be happy. I do not want him to roam and hunt.

Last night Thomas took a long long looooong walk and only returned home at 2:00 this morning. I didn't sleep much. I got up several times to look for him. I did not want him outside, in the cold and dark night.

I suspect we might be a bit like Thomas. God wants us to be His children and to be obedient. However, instead of obedience, I try to bring sacrifices. Truth be told, these sacrifices don't always look like I envisioned it.

I want to hear God's voice. I pray that God will help me to do what He wants, when He wants. I also pray that God will help me to experience His love for me.

To forgive or not to forgive

When a friend hurts you, it really hurts. I think even more so because it is unexpected - it feels like the person who was supposed to have your back covered, stabbed you in the back. It makes you want to build 8 feet high walls around your heart and life, never trusting again and most defintely never being vulnerable again. You feel betrayed, sold out, like damaged goods, not good enough. Madame Dorothée Deluzy (a French actress from the 18th Century) said: "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend." I can understand it. A friend knew you. A friend should be trusted. You should be safe.

I can quote lots of people, like Oscar Wilde (fellow Irishman ;-)) who said: "Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much." Or Gandhi, or Alexander Pope, but we always have to get back to what Jesus said.

The bottomline is Jesus taught us to pray, "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us". You have to forgive. I have to forgive.

What is forgiveness? I think it starts by saying "I am sorry" (and mean it). I think it is trusting God to bring healing to your emotions and that of the other party. I think it is not drawing sharp breaths on receipt of emails, wondering what the agenda is this time. I think it is letting go. I think it is a process.

What do you think?

St Patrick's breastplate

Christ be with me,

Christ within me,

Christ behind me,

Christ before me,C

hrist beside me,

Christ to win me,

Christ to comfort and restore me.

Christ beneath me,

Christ above me,

Christ in quiet,

Christ in danger,

Christ in hearts of all that love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself today the strong name of the Trinity.

-St Patrick-

When you are down

This morning I had a battle to get out of bed and have a bath. It was just really difficult. I am not sure how simple tasks can become SO difficult.

I don't like violent movies, but I have seen the occasional boxing match scene. I have always assumed that when a boxer falls down and the ref starts counting, that boxer just physically can not get up. This morning I considered the alternative - maybe he just does not want to. Maybe he had enough and doesn't want his opponent to hit him yet again?

The next step in my strange logic is that I could then just stay in bed and not speak to anyone. In doing so nothing and nobody could hit me. Less exposure, less pain. If you don't share your life, nobody can reject you, bypass you, ignore your existence or hurt you.

But then, what if life is more of a street fight and the fact that you are down does not stop anybody or anything from beating you up further?

Somehow, I must find the faith and energy to make it through today. Just today. I am not sure I can do this, but I am going to give it my best shot. Get up, just one more time.

When you think you are getting up...

... or even standing, watch out!

Paul wrote to the Corinthians, "So, if you think you are standing, firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" I have often thought he might as well have been talking to people with depression.

Just when you think you are getting up out of the clay, you are vulnerable. Every fall takes its toll. More injuries. Less energy. Less faith in the people around me. Less faith in God.

Every time darkness comes, I am more tempted to walk away from everything and just never go back. On days like today, I seriously doubt if I am a Christian.

I know I have to trust God, but wish I could fix everything myself. As much as I long to have my community back, I am too scared to be vulnerable in their presence. As much as I yearn for the presence of God in my life and His comfort, I will rather run and not have the pain if I don't experience His love.

I wish I could make sense of everything that happened over the past months and God's hand in it. I wish I could make sense of my friends and people who used to be friends' responses. I just can't. Maybe I just don't want to anymore.

When Ctrl + Z does not work

Over the past few years I learned that almost every error can be fixed with two simple keys - Ctrl + Z. But what if it does not work?

What if it is a real life (as opposed to typing / Formula) error? What if it is like a clay pot that fell and your life appears to be in shards? This is where I am today.

Even if you try to glue a clay pot together, it will never be the same. There will be gaps and missing pieces. However, this can be to God's honour. We have several broken pots in our community (literally) and sometimes we light candles inside them. The play of light is beautiful and says something of God, making the broken and fragile beautiful.

Today I have to trust God to pick up the pieces of my life and make something new. A clay pot that can let His light through. If God does not help me, all my efforts are in vain.

Just for today, I will hope in God. Even if He is silent now, I know He always spoke when the time was ripe. Even if it is dark, I know He always gave light on the right time. Even if I feel lost, I know He always marked the road before. Even if I am anxious, He has given me peace before. Even if I am weak, He has been my strength before. God has never let me down before.

Today, 31 July 2007, I dare to trust God. I dare to, once more, place my hope in Him.

The big hole - in Kimberley and in my heart

I was born in Kimberley. Kimberley is just a town in the Karoo and if it weren't for diamonds discovered there, the town might never have existed. However, diamonds were discovered and more and more people flocked there.

The open mine eventually became the biggest man made hole. It is Kimberley's claim to fame, and yet I think it is a scar. Even if they fill it up again (which will never happen), something will always be missing.

There is another big hole in my heart. I miss my community and my friends. I long to be with them and to make a lot of things I did undone. Somehow letters of apology never fix the damage caused when you spoke in anger. I long for forgiveness and acceptance. I long to experience God's love. I long to hear Him again.

I simply don't have the guts to go back after I haven't been with my community in weeks. Last week Tom and I had a discussion around crows and the community taking care like crows. I am just not sure how to go back. I don't know how to do it and yet I long to be there, to at least try to fill this hole up again.

I am in tears yet again and the week hasn't even started. Today, I think I have a hole bigger than Kimberley's in my heart.

May God give me the guts to make it through this day - Monday, 30 July 2007. May I experience something of His love for me in the not too distant future. May I experience Him through His Body once more.

An artist's prayer

Lord,

make me see your glory

in every place.

Amen.

Michelangelo (1475-1564)

This thing called 'Community'

Community never came naturally to me. It is a discipline. One I practice with mixed results. When I am well, I am generally OK with community - when I am not OK, I prefer being much more of a hermit.

I am OK with the fact that a community consists of different parts. Going back to Paul's letter to the Corinthians we know that everybody cannot be the eyes or the feet. There are different people with different personalities and different roles in God's Kingdom.

There are different people with different personalities and different roles in the community I committed to. I was sure that that was what God wanted me to do. I had to accountable somewhere. When the wheels started coming off in my life and I was hurt, I started looking for ways out. I even resigned. My community did not accept it. For some strange reason they support me and I know I am safe.

Socrates said "Be slow to fall into friendship, but when you are in, continue firm and constant." I wonder what Jesus would say? Maybe "By this people will know you are My disciples - that you love one another"? "Forgive - no, not seven times. Seventy times seven times."?

Maybe, just maybe, my community can be God's way to get through to me. To wipe the tears and to comfort me. I love these people. I know that they care for me. A few months ago someone said 'this is like a marriage, for better or for worse'. Even if my community is not God's hands in this time in my life, I know I will be wrong to walk out.

What would Jesus do?

This morning my friend Tom reminded me of two things from 1 Kings 17. Firstly that God was in the 'still small voice' and secondly that God provides. I commented on the ravens that God used and he (Tom) asked if I don't think my community can be God's ravens in this time.

I went to gym during lunch and thought about the ravens. I also thought about Jesus.

Jesus always met people where they were. He fed hungry people and then told them He is the Bread of Life, He spoke to the woman at the well and said He is the Living Water. Jesus related to people. He met them where they were - both demographically and spiritually.

May Jesus meet me where I am today.

PS: I think I will give Tom's advice a shot. He might just be right ;-)

Unipolar depression

I have unipolar depression. There it is - out in the open.

I have a daily battle to get up, take a bath, go to work, go to gym, remember to eat and take my medicine. Simple tasks suddenly became really difficult. Things I took for granted, like the ability to spell and concentrate seem to have vanished. Every day is a battle. Every day I tell myself that I only have to make it through one day.

Every day I wish it was different. Every day I wish I could be careless and laugh, but I can't. I started blogging on www.depressionanonymous.blogspot.com because I could not get my mind around it that a Christian can actually suffer from depression.

I am back. I will blog here. I trust God to get me through this day. Tomorrow? We will think about it in the morning, not before.

Transmission interrupted

I will not blog here for a while. I am blogging on another site. However, it is a different story.

How do you know...

... if you are a Christian? This is not a trick question. I really want to know what you think. Please leave a comment or email me at emtiag@gmail.com.

I lift my eyes

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven,

creator of the earth

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven,

creator of the earth

Oh how I need You Lord

You are my only hope

You’re my only prayer

So I will wait for You!

To come and rescue me

Come and give me life...

Psalm 121

The evening prayer

Evening Prayer (from Northumbria's webpage)

Said or sung all together except for the sentences marked 'Call' which are for the Leader only.+ indicates that you may make the sign of the cross.

+ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Opening sentences

My soul waits for the Lord

more than those

who watch for the morning,

more than those

who watch for the morning.

Call: Out of the depths I have cried to You.

Response: O Lord, hear my voice.

Call: With my whole heart I want to praise You.

Response: O Lord, hear my voice.

Call: If you, Lord, should mark iniquities:

Response: Who could stand? who could stand?

I will wait for the Lord.

My soul waits,

and in His word

do I hope.

Expressions of faith

Lord, You have always given

bread for the coming day;

and though I am poor,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always given

strength for the coming day;

and though I am weak,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always given

peace for the coming day;

and though of anxious heart,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always kept

me safe in trials;

and now, tried as I am,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always marked

the road for the coming day;

and though it may be hidden,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always lightened

this darkness of mine;

and though the night is here,

today I believe.
Lord, You have always spoken

when time was ripe;

and though you be silent now,

today I believe.

Scripture readings

Psalm

Old Testament scripture

New Testament scripture

Please click below on the day of the month, to be taken to the

scripture references for today's readings
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Meditation for the day of the month

Please click below on the day of the month to be taken to the Meditiation for today

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Prayers for others

Canticle

In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.
The Lord is my light, my salvation;

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the refuge of my life;

of whom shall I be afraid?
In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.
One thing I ask of the Lord,

one thing I seek;

to dwell in the presence of my God,

to gaze on Your holy place.
In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.
I believe I shall see the goodness

of the Lord in the land of the living.

O wait for the Lord!

Have courage and wait,

wait for the Lord.
In the shadow of Your wings

I will sing Your praises, O Lord.

Blessing

See that ye be at peace among yourselves,

my children,

and love one another.

Follow the example of good men of old

and God will comfort you and help you,

both in this world

and in the world which is to come.

+ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen