Back to basics

This morning I feel a little lost. The flurry of events over the past two months took me away from my known and (by now) comfortable routine. I did not do my bit to keep healthy.

When I first saw the psychiatrist, she told me that I am the manager and she the consultant of this depression. I could ask her questions, she could explain, give me some guidance and a script, but I had to actively manage it. Management included regular exercise, a proper diet, enough sleep, limited caffeien and alcohol.

A month of chaos lead to zero routine and today I am down and battle to concentrate. I feel detached and suspicious. I am tired and weepy and feel just stupid.

Today I pray that God will help me to manage depression better and to get back into my routine. When I am in a routine, I can function. I used to take pride in it that I can adapt quickly, but I seem to have lost that ability.

I need God to shelter me. I need to know that He is there and that He has good intentions. I cannot understand how a good and loving God can allow something like depression with its crushing effects in my life. There is almost nothing left of my relationships before depression. For the first time ever, I battle to understand the first time someone explains something to me. The medication I take, have all kinds of side effects - some become more tolerable over time and others (like morning sickness for the past nine months, even though I am definetely not pregnant) I will probably never get used to.

I don't want to have this disease. I don't like what it does to me and those around me. I have asked God to heal me, I have confessed every possible sin, others prayed for me and still pray for me. Then there is the guilt because I almost always feel blue and others tiptoeing - not wanting to ask or say anything. I am still me, even though I became a stranger to myself. I am still the person I was when I became your friend.

Today, I pray that God will keep me safe. I think I will go to gym in lunchtime and try to do my bit. Even though I don't understand much now.