Our reading of the Gospel story can be and should be an act of personal communion with the living Lord - William Temple

E.T. et al

Remember E.T. and all the other 'space movies' from the 80's? I was always fascinated by the way the space ships touched down... the landing was always followed by a hissing sound when the doors opened. Then light streamed out and walking planks were let down. After a short pause, the aliens would emerge and the magic would begin.

Last week, my friends and I did the Gallup strengthfinder course. Really useful. One of my natural strengths (according to the test) is relating. If I understood the facilitator correctly, it is all about connecting.

One of my biggest frustrations with depression is that I simply stop connecting. In fact, if we can go back to E.T. for a moment, the walking planks pull back and the doors close and I am locked inside. No matter how hard I try, I seem to be unable to open those doors again. I battle to express myself. Every day is difficult, because I have to interact with people and I battle to understand what they are saying, nuanses become impossible to detect and jokes are over my head all the time. When I get home, I am exhausted and really just want to sleep.

I guess what I am saying is that I am still here. I am kind of locked in a spaceship, but I am trying to get out. I did not stop caring. I did not stop thinking. I am just kind of stuck. Yet, I still have hope, because Jesus' story did not stop on Friday.... Sunday must be coming in my life too.

You know better than I

This prayer comes from "Joseph: King of dreams", but it also says exactly where I am today:

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road,
But that road brought me here.
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up,
The truth is coming clear.

You know better than I ,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I...

If this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason,
But maybe knowing,
I don't know is part of getting through.
I tried to do what's best,
But faith has made it easy,
To see the best thing I can do,
Is to put my trust in You.

For, You know better than I,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I....

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let You reach me
Will You teach me?

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I ...

Wednesday

I am at wits' end.

I feel like something is choking me and even swallowing is hard. I do not understand God's thinking when it comes to healing and wellbeing. I do not understand how darkness can come and fill up my entire being.

Today my heart wants to break, because I am constantly two steps behind. I am tired and no amount of sleep seems to make a difference. I am taking my medicine, despite side effects. I am exercising. I am eating healthy stuff. I eliminated caffeine and alcohol two years ago... and yet, I am weepy for no rational reason.

I do not understand why God cannot take the darkness away. I want to love Him. I want to love people. I want to love my cat and my job. I want to be able to enjoy a good book again, yet I battle to follow simple instructions on an email. All I am feeling is coldness, darkness and loneliness. And then the really dark thought comes... what if I could just go to sleep and stay in that blissful state?