I really do not have much to say, but I am still here.
Over the past few days, I have often thought that I know why people commit suicide this time of the year. I have probably thought too much.
On Christmas Eve, a colleague was put on temporary disability, because she does not manage her bipolar disorder well. If anything, it scares me and causes me to be less likely to discuss the disorder openly.
On the upside, I had a few 'very productive' days where I cleaned and did some DIY projects. Pulled away bookshelves, cleaned the books, sorted them by category and author, then tackled the DVD shelves, then washed curtains... I have slept about 11 hours in 4 days and have almost unlimited energy.
On the downside, what goes up, must come down. I know the crash is inevitable and hope and pray that the tiredness will only kick in after 12:00 tomorrow... so I can at least semi-function at work. I could ask for a 'soft landing', but from experience know it is unlikely.
I have no new opinions about 2010, I am cautious when contemplating resolutions... I am aware of the 'cap' on man's life. Like a flower... here today, gone tomorrow... says James.
If God is not with me and for me and carrying me, I do not want another year. May you, and I be aware of His presence in this 'change over' period. May God direct our (my) steps, decisions, direction, relationships and career in the year to come. If He does not, I do not want to...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
The surprise of Christmas
A few years ago Annelise Wiid (a South African singer / poet) wrote something along the lines of this...
She flew halfway around the world as a surprise for a friend's birthday. It was a whole conspiracy... his family would take him to a specific reestaurant and she would join them as 'the waitress'. Imagine the surprise when he looked up and saw his friend! He jumped up and she kept assuring him that it was REALLY her.
Now imagine... Jesus coming to earth, taking on a body just like ours. The King of kings really came. It REALLY is Him. All the way from heaven... to be with us. To save us. The ultimate surprise.
May the miracle and surprise of Christmas be new to you and to your loved ones today.
She flew halfway around the world as a surprise for a friend's birthday. It was a whole conspiracy... his family would take him to a specific reestaurant and she would join them as 'the waitress'. Imagine the surprise when he looked up and saw his friend! He jumped up and she kept assuring him that it was REALLY her.
Now imagine... Jesus coming to earth, taking on a body just like ours. The King of kings really came. It REALLY is Him. All the way from heaven... to be with us. To save us. The ultimate surprise.
May the miracle and surprise of Christmas be new to you and to your loved ones today.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wyse manne se moses (geneem uit Beeld - 23/12/2009)
Onderstaande is ’n fiktiewe Kerverhaal.
Verslag van ’n ondersoek na ’n reis deur drie lede van ons broederskap ná die verskyning van die helder ster in die weste.
Soos u weet, het die verskyning van die ster heelwat bespiegeling en uiteindelik ook hewige argumentvoering veroorsaak, maar ons het konsensus gekry om ’n afvaardiging te stuur.
Kaspar, Melchior en Balthasar is gevra.
Alle tekens was daar dat iemand belangrik gebore is in die stad Johannesburg in Suid-Afrika, ver aan die onderpunt van die kontinent Afrika.
Van die drie het net Kaspar teruggekeer. Dié verslag is voorlopig en ’n volledige een sal volg as Kaspar herstel. Tot dan is die volgende die feite van die reis.
Die drie het, soos die gebruik is, geskenke gedra.
Kaspar wierook, Melchior goud en Balthasar mirre. Hulle is in die koue hier weg. Ná ’n tyd het hulle die land bereik. Dit is beskryf as een met oop vlaktes, ’n wye lugkoepel en berge waar donderstorms soms opsteek.
Die buitewyke van Johannesburg is veilig en sonder ernstige voorvalle bereik. Vanweë hul kleredrag het hulle soms aandag getrek, hoewel Johannesburg deur Kaspar in ’n ligter oomblik beskryf is as ’n plek wat baie dinge gewoond is en waar hy met sy volle wyseman-uitrusting “in die hoofstraat sal kan aftrippel sonder om aandag te trek”.
Die drie is inderdaad vir enigiets van musikante en afgevaardigdes van kerkgroepe tot die oorblyfsels van partytjies aangesien.
Dit blyk dat Melchior ongelukkig die aandag van die plaaslike polisie getrek het. Hy is deurgesoek en die goud is aan hom gekry. Hy is om sy lisensie daarvoor gevra. Melchior was nie bewus van so ’n reëling nie en is in hegtenis geneem. Hy is steeds in aanhouding.
Kaspar kon nie vasstel wat van die goud geword het nie.
Hy en Balthasar is sonder Melchior vort na die huis waarheen die ster gewys het.
Die soeke na die huis was problematies. Johannesburg se strate is in vreemde patrone afgesper en is vreemd genoeg sonder name.
Die soektog het dringind geword en hulle het in die aand begin loop.
Hul geld was amper op omdat plaaslike blyplekke deesdae heelwat duurder is as wat aanvanklike navorsing aangedui het.
Vordering is een aand tot stilstand geruk toe Balthasar in ’n gat in die sypaadjie gestruikel het.
Hy het sy been beseer en die twee is gedwing om by plaaslike mense hulp te soek.
Die plaaslikes het wel gehelp, maar Balthasar se sakke ook deursoek. Dit lyk of hulle die mirre vir dwelms aangesien, hom aangeval en die mirre afgevat het.
Kaspar het probeer help, maar met min sukses. Van die plaaslike mense wou die polisie bel, maar kon glo nie kontak met die inbel-sentrum maak nie.
Omdat die tyd begin opraak het, het Kaspar besluit om op sy eie voort te gaan. Balthasar is op sy eie op pad terug.
En Kaspar het die huis gevind.
Ná verskeie gesprekke met hom is ek oortuig dat hy die regte besluit geneem het. Ek sal sê dit was beslis die huis waar die geboorte plaasgevind het.
Kaspar kon egter nie by die huis inkom nie. Die plek het ’n hoë heining van yster, skerp bo met lemmetjiesdraad.
By die hek was daar geen klokkie nie. Die inwoners van Johannesburg is traag om sulke klokkies te beantwoord en neig om hulle te verwyder.
Die effek van drie wyse manne in Oosterse klere kon ook nie verkry word nie. Daar was net een oor en die meeste van sy klere was in daardie stadium vuil of gesteel.
So het Kaspar toe teruggekeer met sy wierook.
Maar ons wéét daar was ’n geboorte. En ten spyte van sy wedervaringe is Kaspar vreemd vol hoop vir Johannesburg.
Verslag van ’n ondersoek na ’n reis deur drie lede van ons broederskap ná die verskyning van die helder ster in die weste.
Soos u weet, het die verskyning van die ster heelwat bespiegeling en uiteindelik ook hewige argumentvoering veroorsaak, maar ons het konsensus gekry om ’n afvaardiging te stuur.
Kaspar, Melchior en Balthasar is gevra.
Alle tekens was daar dat iemand belangrik gebore is in die stad Johannesburg in Suid-Afrika, ver aan die onderpunt van die kontinent Afrika.
Van die drie het net Kaspar teruggekeer. Dié verslag is voorlopig en ’n volledige een sal volg as Kaspar herstel. Tot dan is die volgende die feite van die reis.
Die drie het, soos die gebruik is, geskenke gedra.
Kaspar wierook, Melchior goud en Balthasar mirre. Hulle is in die koue hier weg. Ná ’n tyd het hulle die land bereik. Dit is beskryf as een met oop vlaktes, ’n wye lugkoepel en berge waar donderstorms soms opsteek.
Die buitewyke van Johannesburg is veilig en sonder ernstige voorvalle bereik. Vanweë hul kleredrag het hulle soms aandag getrek, hoewel Johannesburg deur Kaspar in ’n ligter oomblik beskryf is as ’n plek wat baie dinge gewoond is en waar hy met sy volle wyseman-uitrusting “in die hoofstraat sal kan aftrippel sonder om aandag te trek”.
Die drie is inderdaad vir enigiets van musikante en afgevaardigdes van kerkgroepe tot die oorblyfsels van partytjies aangesien.
Dit blyk dat Melchior ongelukkig die aandag van die plaaslike polisie getrek het. Hy is deurgesoek en die goud is aan hom gekry. Hy is om sy lisensie daarvoor gevra. Melchior was nie bewus van so ’n reëling nie en is in hegtenis geneem. Hy is steeds in aanhouding.
Kaspar kon nie vasstel wat van die goud geword het nie.
Hy en Balthasar is sonder Melchior vort na die huis waarheen die ster gewys het.
Die soeke na die huis was problematies. Johannesburg se strate is in vreemde patrone afgesper en is vreemd genoeg sonder name.
Die soektog het dringind geword en hulle het in die aand begin loop.
Hul geld was amper op omdat plaaslike blyplekke deesdae heelwat duurder is as wat aanvanklike navorsing aangedui het.
Vordering is een aand tot stilstand geruk toe Balthasar in ’n gat in die sypaadjie gestruikel het.
Hy het sy been beseer en die twee is gedwing om by plaaslike mense hulp te soek.
Die plaaslikes het wel gehelp, maar Balthasar se sakke ook deursoek. Dit lyk of hulle die mirre vir dwelms aangesien, hom aangeval en die mirre afgevat het.
Kaspar het probeer help, maar met min sukses. Van die plaaslike mense wou die polisie bel, maar kon glo nie kontak met die inbel-sentrum maak nie.
Omdat die tyd begin opraak het, het Kaspar besluit om op sy eie voort te gaan. Balthasar is op sy eie op pad terug.
En Kaspar het die huis gevind.
Ná verskeie gesprekke met hom is ek oortuig dat hy die regte besluit geneem het. Ek sal sê dit was beslis die huis waar die geboorte plaasgevind het.
Kaspar kon egter nie by die huis inkom nie. Die plek het ’n hoë heining van yster, skerp bo met lemmetjiesdraad.
By die hek was daar geen klokkie nie. Die inwoners van Johannesburg is traag om sulke klokkies te beantwoord en neig om hulle te verwyder.
Die effek van drie wyse manne in Oosterse klere kon ook nie verkry word nie. Daar was net een oor en die meeste van sy klere was in daardie stadium vuil of gesteel.
So het Kaspar toe teruggekeer met sy wierook.
Maar ons wéét daar was ’n geboorte. En ten spyte van sy wedervaringe is Kaspar vreemd vol hoop vir Johannesburg.
Die kosmos gloei oor Sy koms (geneem uit Beeld - 23/12/2009)
’n Klompie jare gelede, op soek na paslike Kersgeskenke, kom ons dié juweel teë - ’n skildery deur Frans Claerhout, getitel: Die hoenderhaan kondig die koms van Christus aan.
Op die voorgrond, eenkant na regs, die dawerende haantjie en effe agtertoe, in sagte Claerhout-kleure, ’n ouerpaar wat in allereenvoud versorgend na ’n kindjie in ’n krip omsien.
Die skildery was nie te koop nie, maar die “geskenk” is steeds by my - hoe Kersfees jou verruklik verplaas na die soort verbeeldingswêreld waarin kinders tuis is en sommige grootmense ietwat ongemaklik.
Soos in Jules Supervielle se sprokie oor hoe die lewende kosmos Christus se geboorte meegemaak het.
Hier vrylik oorvertel:
Die os en die donkie was saam met Josef en die swanger Maria op pad na Betlehem.
By die stal aangekom, het die os en die donkie begin stry oor wat hulle by die geboorte moet doen.
Toe die os sy asem oor die baba blaas om hom warm te hou, het die donkie gekla: “Moenie so naby aan hom kom nie. Jou horings gaan hom seermaak.”
En toe die donkie sy lang ore aanbied om die baba gerus te stel (soos ’n soft toy nou maar doen), berispe die os: “Moenie in sy gesig balk nie. Dit sal die baba se dood beteken.”
Ná baie stryery begin hulle verstaan hier is ’n groot ding aan’t gebeur.
Die os het gesien hoe die klippe, wat gewoonlik baie tyd nodig het om iets te verstaan, die wonder begryp.
Ook die veldblomme, die gras, die water en die lug het “geweet”.
Só vol vreugde was die os dat hy ophou eet het.
Hy het nie meer water gedrink nie en hy was bang om asem te haal - ingeval hy dalk ’n besoekende engel deur sy neusgate opsnuif.
Met die hulp van die os en die donkie het al die mak diere, die diere van die veld en al die goggas gekom om die kind in die krip te leer ken.
Die visse wat ’n bietjie sukkel met asemhaal op droë grond, het ’n seemeeu in hul plek gestuur.
Selfs die diere wat nog nie ontdek was nie en in die skoot van die aarde en in die see se maag op ’n naam gewag het, was gretig om te kom dagsê.
Maria het almal die klein stal laat binnekom: “My kind is hier net so veilig as in die hoogste hemel,” het sy gesê.
Die diere het elk iets van hulself by die kind agtergelaat - die voëls hul sang; die duiwe hul liefdespel; die bobbejane hul manewales; die katte hul manier van staar; die tortelduiwe die
sagte kleure van hul keelveertjies.
En die volstruis het stilletjies ’n eier gelê waarvan Josef, tot die donkie se verbasing, ’n omelet vir almal gemaak het.
Later het wyse manne uit die Ooste gekom om, saam met die heelal se atome, om die krip te versamel.
Die sterrebeeld van die bul het sy horings uit die hemelboog losgehaak en afgekom aarde toe.
Sodat sy lig oor die krip skyn terwyl ’n wolk in sy plek in die hemelruim wag gestaan het.
Ander vreemde dinge het ook gebeur.
Die skilpad het sy stadige gang versnel en haastig geraak.
Die blitsige likkewaan het stadig geword.
Die lomp seekoei het ligte kniebewegings gemaak en die papegaaie was doodstil.
Eensklaps het die sterrebeeld van die bul hoog in die lug gespring en hom, met een stoot van sy
horings, weer op sy ou plek vasgehaak.
Die ganse kosmos het gegloei van opwinding en asem opgehou oor die kind wat gekom het...
Op die voorgrond, eenkant na regs, die dawerende haantjie en effe agtertoe, in sagte Claerhout-kleure, ’n ouerpaar wat in allereenvoud versorgend na ’n kindjie in ’n krip omsien.
Die skildery was nie te koop nie, maar die “geskenk” is steeds by my - hoe Kersfees jou verruklik verplaas na die soort verbeeldingswêreld waarin kinders tuis is en sommige grootmense ietwat ongemaklik.
Soos in Jules Supervielle se sprokie oor hoe die lewende kosmos Christus se geboorte meegemaak het.
Hier vrylik oorvertel:
Die os en die donkie was saam met Josef en die swanger Maria op pad na Betlehem.
By die stal aangekom, het die os en die donkie begin stry oor wat hulle by die geboorte moet doen.
Toe die os sy asem oor die baba blaas om hom warm te hou, het die donkie gekla: “Moenie so naby aan hom kom nie. Jou horings gaan hom seermaak.”
En toe die donkie sy lang ore aanbied om die baba gerus te stel (soos ’n soft toy nou maar doen), berispe die os: “Moenie in sy gesig balk nie. Dit sal die baba se dood beteken.”
Ná baie stryery begin hulle verstaan hier is ’n groot ding aan’t gebeur.
Die os het gesien hoe die klippe, wat gewoonlik baie tyd nodig het om iets te verstaan, die wonder begryp.
Ook die veldblomme, die gras, die water en die lug het “geweet”.
Só vol vreugde was die os dat hy ophou eet het.
Hy het nie meer water gedrink nie en hy was bang om asem te haal - ingeval hy dalk ’n besoekende engel deur sy neusgate opsnuif.
Met die hulp van die os en die donkie het al die mak diere, die diere van die veld en al die goggas gekom om die kind in die krip te leer ken.
Die visse wat ’n bietjie sukkel met asemhaal op droë grond, het ’n seemeeu in hul plek gestuur.
Selfs die diere wat nog nie ontdek was nie en in die skoot van die aarde en in die see se maag op ’n naam gewag het, was gretig om te kom dagsê.
Maria het almal die klein stal laat binnekom: “My kind is hier net so veilig as in die hoogste hemel,” het sy gesê.
Die diere het elk iets van hulself by die kind agtergelaat - die voëls hul sang; die duiwe hul liefdespel; die bobbejane hul manewales; die katte hul manier van staar; die tortelduiwe die
sagte kleure van hul keelveertjies.
En die volstruis het stilletjies ’n eier gelê waarvan Josef, tot die donkie se verbasing, ’n omelet vir almal gemaak het.
Later het wyse manne uit die Ooste gekom om, saam met die heelal se atome, om die krip te versamel.
Die sterrebeeld van die bul het sy horings uit die hemelboog losgehaak en afgekom aarde toe.
Sodat sy lig oor die krip skyn terwyl ’n wolk in sy plek in die hemelruim wag gestaan het.
Ander vreemde dinge het ook gebeur.
Die skilpad het sy stadige gang versnel en haastig geraak.
Die blitsige likkewaan het stadig geword.
Die lomp seekoei het ligte kniebewegings gemaak en die papegaaie was doodstil.
Eensklaps het die sterrebeeld van die bul hoog in die lug gespring en hom, met een stoot van sy
horings, weer op sy ou plek vasgehaak.
Die ganse kosmos het gegloei van opwinding en asem opgehou oor die kind wat gekom het...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
This time of the year...
... is notorious for the number of suicides committed. On a night like tonight, I can understand it and it scares me.
It is advent and we are counting down the days until we celebrate Jesus' birth to this world. I know He came to bring light to the darkness, He came to set the captives free, make the blind see & the lame walk... to declare the acceptable year of the Lord.
And yet, all I see tonight is darkness. I am not talking about the 'christmas spirit'. I feel like I am caught up in an invisible, very dark, spiderweb. The more I try to get out, the more entangled I become.
I am tired. Just too tired to reach out. Tonight, I do not see the light / Light. Yet, there is a spark of hope that this depression will pass (eventually).
God has been faithful and takes care of the big things like keeping the planets in orbit. Why can't I scrape the faith together to believe that He is with me and He cares?
May God have mercy on you and on me tonight.
It is advent and we are counting down the days until we celebrate Jesus' birth to this world. I know He came to bring light to the darkness, He came to set the captives free, make the blind see & the lame walk... to declare the acceptable year of the Lord.
And yet, all I see tonight is darkness. I am not talking about the 'christmas spirit'. I feel like I am caught up in an invisible, very dark, spiderweb. The more I try to get out, the more entangled I become.
I am tired. Just too tired to reach out. Tonight, I do not see the light / Light. Yet, there is a spark of hope that this depression will pass (eventually).
God has been faithful and takes care of the big things like keeping the planets in orbit. Why can't I scrape the faith together to believe that He is with me and He cares?
May God have mercy on you and on me tonight.
’n Kruis en ’n bloedrivier (Geneem uit Beeld: 20/12/2009)
12/20/2009 9:23:00 PMReggie Nel
Versoening is ook konfronterend. Dit konfronteer ons met ons geskiedenis.
Wat maak ons byvoorbeeld met Bloedrivier of met Umkhonto weSizwe? ’n Kritiese uitdaging op die pad van versoening is om telkens weer die geskiedenis in die oë te kyk. Sommige sou wou hê dat ons bloot die geskiedenisboek moet toemaak. Ander leef in die verlede asof dit ’n tronk is waaruit mense nie kan ontsnap nie.
Hoe moet ons nuut met mekaar se geskiedenis omgaan? Een ding moet ons van die begin af erken: ons is geneig om net sekere kosbare gebeure te onthou en oor te vertel, terwyl ons ander vergeet of uitdoof – miskien vanweë pyn of verleentheid of bloot omdat ons kan.
Dit waaroor ons stilbly, is dikwels herinnerings wat nog seermaak. Ek sou wou hoop dat ons saam die geskiedenis in die oë kan kyk, vir genesing of versoening, anders sal dit in die toekoms by ons kom spook.
Dit is immers wat gelowiges doen as ons Kersfees vier. Ons vertel bekende stories oor en oor, ons sing liedjies daaroor, en elke jaar is ander kinders die herders of die wyse manne. Jaarliks ontwikkel ons nuwe insigte en sien nuwe kante van die storie raak. Dié vertellings en nuwe insigte vorm en vestig ons identiteit. Ons kry nuwe hoop.
Hoe kan Bloedrivier en Umkhonto weSizwe ons help? Geskiedkundiges sou ons kon help om te verstaan dat hierdie emosionele simbole geskiedenisse is. En dat die twee groepe se stories nie bloot skadeloos langs mekaar hardloop nie.
Stories word vertel om mekaar soms uit te rangeer of selfs dood te smoor. Maar die verskillende kante van die verhaal sou mekaar ook kon korrigeer, mekaar verryk en nuwe, ruimer insigte blootlê.
Neem die Groot Trek en die Slag van Bloedrivier, wat vele kere vertel word asof dit bloot van een wit groepie se roemryke oorwinnings oor ’n ander is. Maar hierdie migrasie het ook bruin en swart mense ingesluit. En hierdie intrek in die land, vanuit die oogpunt van die inheemse bevolkings, het groot vrees en onsekerheid, maar ook ekonomiese ontworteling teweeggebring. Hul lewenswyse met die grond, met hul families, hul geloof, is gewelddadig ontwrig.
Hierdie patroon is nie uniek nie. Dit het al voorheen in ons geskiedenis gebeur en gebeur vandag nog. Die geskiedenis hiervan is egter gewoonweg vertel, geskryf en gevier, slegs vanuit die hoek van die oënskynlike wenners.
Daar is egter nog ’n element wat bykom: Die aanspraak dat God aan die kant van die oorwinnaars was, dié met die beter wapens, tegnologie of die beste politieke of militêre strategie. God, so word vertel, het hulle uitgekies en belowe dat hy vir hulle die oorwinning sal gee in hul poging om die ander te onderwerp of te “straf”. God seën hulle dus met die oorwinning en daarom ook die reg om hier te wees.
Dit is die grondslag vir die standpunt dat net sekere groepe spesiale Goddelike guns, roeping en bestaansreg het. Hulle sal in beheer bly totdat Jesus kom.
Dit is juis die God wat ook onreg seën en dit moontlik maak dat diep religieuse mense uiteindelik bedrieg, steel en moor. Kyk wat in Duitsland gebeur het, onder die wakende oog van die Duitse kerk met haar veelgeroemde teoloë; in Rwanda, eens die suksesverhaal van sending en herlewing; in Palestina, die “Heilige Land”. Selfs hier onder ons met die vreemdes “uit Afrika”.
Daar is egter ook die perspektief waar al ons stories, met al hul skete, mites en wonderwerke, deel word van ’n groter storie. Dis die storie van God se genadige omgang met sy mense.
Dit is ’n bloedgeskrewe geskiedenis, maar deur Gods unieke ingrype is daar in ’n krippie ’n kindjie wat gebore word, wat alles kom nuut maak deur sy eie bloedrivier wat vloei vanaf ’n verlate kruis.
Dis hier waar ook ons versoening ontvang, ’n nuwe identiteit en roeping – ons eie Versoeningsdag.
Versoening is ook konfronterend. Dit konfronteer ons met ons geskiedenis.
Wat maak ons byvoorbeeld met Bloedrivier of met Umkhonto weSizwe? ’n Kritiese uitdaging op die pad van versoening is om telkens weer die geskiedenis in die oë te kyk. Sommige sou wou hê dat ons bloot die geskiedenisboek moet toemaak. Ander leef in die verlede asof dit ’n tronk is waaruit mense nie kan ontsnap nie.
Hoe moet ons nuut met mekaar se geskiedenis omgaan? Een ding moet ons van die begin af erken: ons is geneig om net sekere kosbare gebeure te onthou en oor te vertel, terwyl ons ander vergeet of uitdoof – miskien vanweë pyn of verleentheid of bloot omdat ons kan.
Dit waaroor ons stilbly, is dikwels herinnerings wat nog seermaak. Ek sou wou hoop dat ons saam die geskiedenis in die oë kan kyk, vir genesing of versoening, anders sal dit in die toekoms by ons kom spook.
Dit is immers wat gelowiges doen as ons Kersfees vier. Ons vertel bekende stories oor en oor, ons sing liedjies daaroor, en elke jaar is ander kinders die herders of die wyse manne. Jaarliks ontwikkel ons nuwe insigte en sien nuwe kante van die storie raak. Dié vertellings en nuwe insigte vorm en vestig ons identiteit. Ons kry nuwe hoop.
Hoe kan Bloedrivier en Umkhonto weSizwe ons help? Geskiedkundiges sou ons kon help om te verstaan dat hierdie emosionele simbole geskiedenisse is. En dat die twee groepe se stories nie bloot skadeloos langs mekaar hardloop nie.
Stories word vertel om mekaar soms uit te rangeer of selfs dood te smoor. Maar die verskillende kante van die verhaal sou mekaar ook kon korrigeer, mekaar verryk en nuwe, ruimer insigte blootlê.
Neem die Groot Trek en die Slag van Bloedrivier, wat vele kere vertel word asof dit bloot van een wit groepie se roemryke oorwinnings oor ’n ander is. Maar hierdie migrasie het ook bruin en swart mense ingesluit. En hierdie intrek in die land, vanuit die oogpunt van die inheemse bevolkings, het groot vrees en onsekerheid, maar ook ekonomiese ontworteling teweeggebring. Hul lewenswyse met die grond, met hul families, hul geloof, is gewelddadig ontwrig.
Hierdie patroon is nie uniek nie. Dit het al voorheen in ons geskiedenis gebeur en gebeur vandag nog. Die geskiedenis hiervan is egter gewoonweg vertel, geskryf en gevier, slegs vanuit die hoek van die oënskynlike wenners.
Daar is egter nog ’n element wat bykom: Die aanspraak dat God aan die kant van die oorwinnaars was, dié met die beter wapens, tegnologie of die beste politieke of militêre strategie. God, so word vertel, het hulle uitgekies en belowe dat hy vir hulle die oorwinning sal gee in hul poging om die ander te onderwerp of te “straf”. God seën hulle dus met die oorwinning en daarom ook die reg om hier te wees.
Dit is die grondslag vir die standpunt dat net sekere groepe spesiale Goddelike guns, roeping en bestaansreg het. Hulle sal in beheer bly totdat Jesus kom.
Dit is juis die God wat ook onreg seën en dit moontlik maak dat diep religieuse mense uiteindelik bedrieg, steel en moor. Kyk wat in Duitsland gebeur het, onder die wakende oog van die Duitse kerk met haar veelgeroemde teoloë; in Rwanda, eens die suksesverhaal van sending en herlewing; in Palestina, die “Heilige Land”. Selfs hier onder ons met die vreemdes “uit Afrika”.
Daar is egter ook die perspektief waar al ons stories, met al hul skete, mites en wonderwerke, deel word van ’n groter storie. Dis die storie van God se genadige omgang met sy mense.
Dit is ’n bloedgeskrewe geskiedenis, maar deur Gods unieke ingrype is daar in ’n krippie ’n kindjie wat gebore word, wat alles kom nuut maak deur sy eie bloedrivier wat vloei vanaf ’n verlate kruis.
Dis hier waar ook ons versoening ontvang, ’n nuwe identiteit en roeping – ons eie Versoeningsdag.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Pieces
Tonight I am aware of my own brokenness. My mind is broken, my body is broken. My spirit is broken.
May God have mercy on me, a sinner. May He become more and I less.
I shudder when I think of the alternative.
May God have mercy on me, a sinner. May He become more and I less.
I shudder when I think of the alternative.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Religious (in)tolerance
I have been spending a lot of time at the hospital recently. In the ICU waiting room (where I spent up to 10 hours on some days), there were Muslims and Hindu's, and we all got along, chatted occasionally and learned about each other's history... customs... and then rushed in to see the patients on cue.
However, my mom has now been transferred to the post-surgical ward. Today I caught myself being really intolerant.
See, the lady opposite my mom got a visitor yesterday. The visitor recognised me from when I was a pastor. She then proceeded to tell the patient and everybody else, whether they wanted to know or not, that I am a pastor. All I really wanted, was to take care of my mom. All her neighbour wanted, was for me to pray for more and more people.
Since yesterday, I was bombarded with stories of 'people falling in the spirit', 'miraculous healing', 'God's providence' and hallelujah's. This morning, I heard a patient complaining about pain for more than 2 hours, and then as soon as 'the Christians' arrived, the same person said 'and I do not even have pain, praise His Name'.
I am a Christian (if I need to put myself in a box), but even in my pentecostal days, I was a little uncomfortable with the way that Christians ploy stories to make God look bigger. Using His Name in every sentence today, simply did not cut it for me. After every story, 'hallelujah' or 'praise His Name', there was an expectant look in my direction as if I was to top their stories, pray louder or fit more 'Amen's' into a single sentence. There were many loud prayers, with long pieces of Scripture and big quotes, there was 'spiritual warfare' and demands to God that He heals perfectly. There were non-Christians in the ward and I felt ashamed. I am not ashamed of Jesus or the gospel, but I was ashamed by the way my brothers and sisters conducted themselves. This is when I got annoyed.
I want to want to love God. I want to honour His Name. I want to bring Him glory... but today I found myself dictatating the way in which I want this to happen. Now I have a dilemma... was I wrong or am I projecting my personality and my disappointments (yes, with God) on my prayers and expectations?
My mom just went through her second gastrictomy and almost died. I have bipolar disorder. I have a friend who lost his job as a pastor when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In my experience, God does not always heal (even though our reflex should be to pray). It is also my experience that God does not listen to the best oration. I think (hope?) He looks at our hearts.
Today was not fun and I am not sure that I am right.
What I would like to pray for tomorrow, when I go back and face the same people, is: 'God, have mercy on me. I am a sinner. Please help me to treat your people the way you would... which I suspect is with love and empathy. In Jesus' Name. Amen'
However, my mom has now been transferred to the post-surgical ward. Today I caught myself being really intolerant.
See, the lady opposite my mom got a visitor yesterday. The visitor recognised me from when I was a pastor. She then proceeded to tell the patient and everybody else, whether they wanted to know or not, that I am a pastor. All I really wanted, was to take care of my mom. All her neighbour wanted, was for me to pray for more and more people.
Since yesterday, I was bombarded with stories of 'people falling in the spirit', 'miraculous healing', 'God's providence' and hallelujah's. This morning, I heard a patient complaining about pain for more than 2 hours, and then as soon as 'the Christians' arrived, the same person said 'and I do not even have pain, praise His Name'.
I am a Christian (if I need to put myself in a box), but even in my pentecostal days, I was a little uncomfortable with the way that Christians ploy stories to make God look bigger. Using His Name in every sentence today, simply did not cut it for me. After every story, 'hallelujah' or 'praise His Name', there was an expectant look in my direction as if I was to top their stories, pray louder or fit more 'Amen's' into a single sentence. There were many loud prayers, with long pieces of Scripture and big quotes, there was 'spiritual warfare' and demands to God that He heals perfectly. There were non-Christians in the ward and I felt ashamed. I am not ashamed of Jesus or the gospel, but I was ashamed by the way my brothers and sisters conducted themselves. This is when I got annoyed.
I want to want to love God. I want to honour His Name. I want to bring Him glory... but today I found myself dictatating the way in which I want this to happen. Now I have a dilemma... was I wrong or am I projecting my personality and my disappointments (yes, with God) on my prayers and expectations?
My mom just went through her second gastrictomy and almost died. I have bipolar disorder. I have a friend who lost his job as a pastor when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In my experience, God does not always heal (even though our reflex should be to pray). It is also my experience that God does not listen to the best oration. I think (hope?) He looks at our hearts.
Today was not fun and I am not sure that I am right.
What I would like to pray for tomorrow, when I go back and face the same people, is: 'God, have mercy on me. I am a sinner. Please help me to treat your people the way you would... which I suspect is with love and empathy. In Jesus' Name. Amen'
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Footprint
Our footprint is a big issue these days. We talk about our carbon footrpint, which simply means that you will do as much good to earth as you do bad, balancing the scales.
Simba (Lion King) said that you should never take more than you give in this circle of life. It is just not fair.
For the past few days I have been pre-occupied with blood donation and I would like to explain why:
- my mom has used 22 units of blood in the past 2 years;
- I have only donate 57 units so far... and she is catching up faster than I can donate;
- every time she gets a unit of blood, I see all her vitals going in the right direction;
- this happens with each patient receiving blood;
- it is Christmas... we are in 'gift mode'. Giving your blood is the ultimate. It has no monetary cost to you, yet ONLY you can give this gift. Giving yourself... to save a life.
Simba (Lion King) said that you should never take more than you give in this circle of life. It is just not fair.
For the past few days I have been pre-occupied with blood donation and I would like to explain why:
- my mom has used 22 units of blood in the past 2 years;
- I have only donate 57 units so far... and she is catching up faster than I can donate;
- every time she gets a unit of blood, I see all her vitals going in the right direction;
- this happens with each patient receiving blood;
- it is Christmas... we are in 'gift mode'. Giving your blood is the ultimate. It has no monetary cost to you, yet ONLY you can give this gift. Giving yourself... to save a life.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Broken
Tonight I am just broken. I don't know how to fix me, my heart, my issues... my relationships....
God have mercy on me, a sinner.
God have mercy on me, a sinner.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Breath, just breathe...
In our new rhythm, we meet on Wedesdays / Thursdays and have an informal meeting, mainly talking about Jesus, following Him in Johannesburg and being Christians in South Africa. The conversations are always challenging.
This week, we watched Rob Bell/ Nooma's "Breathe". Rob's premis is that we are calling God's name from the the time we are born until we die. See, in Hebrew (transliterated) God's name would be Jod He Waw He... do you hear the breathing? In Greek and Hebrew, the same words are used for breath, spirit and wind. By breathing, you are basically calling on God.
The conversation then centred around what you breathe in, i.e your expectations, your resources... and out... blessings to share? Needs?
Driving home, I realised that I am not breathing. I am holding my breath about so many things at the moment. It feels like I am choking and my chest is burning, all because I do not breathe.
So, in this week, I pray that God will reveal Himself in my life and in all of these seemingly impossible situations. I pray that God will help me to let go and breathe... just breathe.... Jod He Waw He.... in and out.
This week, we watched Rob Bell/ Nooma's "Breathe". Rob's premis is that we are calling God's name from the the time we are born until we die. See, in Hebrew (transliterated) God's name would be Jod He Waw He... do you hear the breathing? In Greek and Hebrew, the same words are used for breath, spirit and wind. By breathing, you are basically calling on God.
The conversation then centred around what you breathe in, i.e your expectations, your resources... and out... blessings to share? Needs?
Driving home, I realised that I am not breathing. I am holding my breath about so many things at the moment. It feels like I am choking and my chest is burning, all because I do not breathe.
So, in this week, I pray that God will reveal Himself in my life and in all of these seemingly impossible situations. I pray that God will help me to let go and breathe... just breathe.... Jod He Waw He.... in and out.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
The miracle of sleep
Last night I had the first "proper night's sleep" in weeks. It was AWESOME!
Today I am amazed at how God constructed the human body and how we really do need simple things like sleep to recharge and 'feel human'.
I am starting to believe that God really is in the simple things... Elijah's breeze, a simple night's sleep, the smile of a child, the purr of a cat... I think we overly complicate our lives with things we insist we need to do and need to own.
Gandhi summarised his mission in only three words: 'Renounce and enjoy'. Maybe it is time to simplify my life even more and have more time to marvel about the things I usually just take for granted.
What is our daily bread really? What do you really need to live a full life?
Today I am amazed at how God constructed the human body and how we really do need simple things like sleep to recharge and 'feel human'.
I am starting to believe that God really is in the simple things... Elijah's breeze, a simple night's sleep, the smile of a child, the purr of a cat... I think we overly complicate our lives with things we insist we need to do and need to own.
Gandhi summarised his mission in only three words: 'Renounce and enjoy'. Maybe it is time to simplify my life even more and have more time to marvel about the things I usually just take for granted.
What is our daily bread really? What do you really need to live a full life?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Rollercoaster
The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster.
Our community is adopting new rhythms - we are meeting on Wednesdays / Thursdays now, we are memorising Scripture and have weekly tasks. This new setup is a little unsettling to the introvert in me. The smaller groups and the fact that we all face each other (in a circle) make the whole experience more intimate and personal.
The homework becomes a rhythm during the week... and we have our own social network site. Funky ;-)
Through all of this, I was confronted by my own emotions and thoughts about God as a Father, an Author and a Mother (Psalm 131). It is difficult.
My mom is also back in hospital. Her 'new' stomach closed up and for the past 2 months did not let any food through. In essence, she was starving. She has lost 26 kg in this process. Yesterday the doctors flushed the food that got stuck between her throat and stomach. She still has a draining pipe through her nose to clear the remainder and another pipe in her throat to feed her. On Wednesday, the doctors plan to operate and cut out 'everything that is wrong'. It is obviously an emotional time for her and those who love her.
My dad broke up with his girlfriend, and found a new one...
It is also our financial year end and we are working really hard (being in Treasury).
Sometimes I think I should try to make sense of it all, but mostly, I just know that I am broken. I know I do not understand. I can't explain God or His plans, but I am still looking for Him in all of this.
Our community is adopting new rhythms - we are meeting on Wednesdays / Thursdays now, we are memorising Scripture and have weekly tasks. This new setup is a little unsettling to the introvert in me. The smaller groups and the fact that we all face each other (in a circle) make the whole experience more intimate and personal.
The homework becomes a rhythm during the week... and we have our own social network site. Funky ;-)
Through all of this, I was confronted by my own emotions and thoughts about God as a Father, an Author and a Mother (Psalm 131). It is difficult.
My mom is also back in hospital. Her 'new' stomach closed up and for the past 2 months did not let any food through. In essence, she was starving. She has lost 26 kg in this process. Yesterday the doctors flushed the food that got stuck between her throat and stomach. She still has a draining pipe through her nose to clear the remainder and another pipe in her throat to feed her. On Wednesday, the doctors plan to operate and cut out 'everything that is wrong'. It is obviously an emotional time for her and those who love her.
My dad broke up with his girlfriend, and found a new one...
It is also our financial year end and we are working really hard (being in Treasury).
Sometimes I think I should try to make sense of it all, but mostly, I just know that I am broken. I know I do not understand. I can't explain God or His plans, but I am still looking for Him in all of this.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Wrestling with Our Father
We are following a new rhythm. Instead of having our community meet on a Sunday, we meet on either a Wednesday or Thursday evening. The big idea behind it? To become Church. To live it. To not only attend and live Christianity through a paid professional. To engage with God and each other on this journey...
As part of the new rhythm, we have also decided to do 'homework', or engage in agreed activities every week. A part of this week's commitment is to do Lectio Divina on the "Our Father" prayer.
When we sang the "Our Father" on Wednesday, I started crying. Even now, I battle to get further than ''Our Father". Somehow, thinking of God as a Father, wanting to watch over me and care for me is just so foreign and inconceivable.
I do not "feel" this love. I battle so see it. Thinking this out loud makes me feel ungrateful.
Thinking of God as a black woman, cooking and talking and laughing, is just so much easier.
Today I wonder if God would mind if I switch these images... if only to get to the next line of the prayer.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What did Jesus do?
Today I had to smile. A friend commented that Jesus gets accused of doing SOOOO many things thaif she was Him, she would have resigned :-)
Friday, October 09, 2009
God's will?
My mom's stomach was removed two years ago (gastrictomy) and a new stomach was molded from her duodenum. At the time, she spent more than a month in ICU. It really was nerve wrecking and since I got hardly any sleep, the whole experience was just so much more intense.
About 6 weeks ago, she atarted complaining of terrible pain and that she could not hold her food down. A battery of tests were run and last week, they eventually discovered that her new stomach closed up. The doctor did a few biopsies and we were meant to have the results today.
However, when she called his rooms yesterday, she was told that he went overseas and is only due back on the 19th of October. He will only release the results then. In the meantime, there is nobody in his rooms to interpret and release the results.
My first reaction was that this is sloppy service and simply outrageous. It is a service we are paying for and now do not receive. My gut feel was that we need to get the results, even if I had to get someone else to interpret it (I have two very intelligent friends who are medical sisters and qualified to do so).
My mom's response flabbergasted me. She insisted that it is God's will to wait and then she forbade me to interfere.
I initially was furious, because I honestly could not see how God would want this. When I thought about it longer, I cried. Now, I am back at being irritated with the whole situation.
I do not want you to pick a side. What I would like to do, is ask you to pray with me? Please pray for my heart to change and for me to be able to respect my parents. Please pray with me for my mom and her health? It grabs my heart every time she gets sick.
Today, I need God, if only to make it through this day.
About 6 weeks ago, she atarted complaining of terrible pain and that she could not hold her food down. A battery of tests were run and last week, they eventually discovered that her new stomach closed up. The doctor did a few biopsies and we were meant to have the results today.
However, when she called his rooms yesterday, she was told that he went overseas and is only due back on the 19th of October. He will only release the results then. In the meantime, there is nobody in his rooms to interpret and release the results.
My first reaction was that this is sloppy service and simply outrageous. It is a service we are paying for and now do not receive. My gut feel was that we need to get the results, even if I had to get someone else to interpret it (I have two very intelligent friends who are medical sisters and qualified to do so).
My mom's response flabbergasted me. She insisted that it is God's will to wait and then she forbade me to interfere.
I initially was furious, because I honestly could not see how God would want this. When I thought about it longer, I cried. Now, I am back at being irritated with the whole situation.
I do not want you to pick a side. What I would like to do, is ask you to pray with me? Please pray for my heart to change and for me to be able to respect my parents. Please pray with me for my mom and her health? It grabs my heart every time she gets sick.
Today, I need God, if only to make it through this day.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
If God is the Author...
Last night I visited with some dear friends. We were doing Lectio Divina on Hebrews 12:1-15... a worthwhile exercise (if you are not sure what Lectio Divina is, please click here for an explanation).
Whilst there were many ideas popping up, I was confronted by my own... probably less holy... thoughts. See, God as Author of our lives shocked me. In my mind, if God writes my story... why would He include all these twists and turns? I simply do not understand how a loving God, can write stories with pain and heartache and so many tears.
As an author, you get to pick characters and storylines. If the people are real, it becomes more tricky, because how would one then decide which characters are to remain single and which ones get married and have children? How would one decide who gets sick? How would an author determine which characters live in squatter camps and which ones in mansions?
In my mind, none of this is any longer about what God does and what He allows. It is the story He writes. He determines all of this. This makes me feel hopeless today, because I am simply not up to fighting God or His script.
Deep down, I really hope that there is a fundamental error in my argument.
Whilst there were many ideas popping up, I was confronted by my own... probably less holy... thoughts. See, God as Author of our lives shocked me. In my mind, if God writes my story... why would He include all these twists and turns? I simply do not understand how a loving God, can write stories with pain and heartache and so many tears.
As an author, you get to pick characters and storylines. If the people are real, it becomes more tricky, because how would one then decide which characters are to remain single and which ones get married and have children? How would one decide who gets sick? How would an author determine which characters live in squatter camps and which ones in mansions?
In my mind, none of this is any longer about what God does and what He allows. It is the story He writes. He determines all of this. This makes me feel hopeless today, because I am simply not up to fighting God or His script.
Deep down, I really hope that there is a fundamental error in my argument.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Managing bipolar disorder
The first time I saw my psychiatrist was two and a half years ago. One of her opening statements was that she is glad I am a manager and was a consultant before, because it implies that I do know the difference in roles. She sees herself as my consultant, but I need to manage my disorder.
That stuck with me.
I am determined to manage bipolar disorder. For the past 5 weeks, I have kept a mood diary. I am measuring my blood pressure twice a day. I am weighing myself... and I am plotting all of this data in a spreadsheet.
The 'dips' and 'peaks' over the past month happened when I did not sleep enough and when I was intensely involved with other people. I can control half of that... I now know how much sleep I need. I know that I need to go to gym 4-6 times a week. I know that I need to avoid caffeiene and alcohol.
In all of this, I am still looking for Jesus. Every now and then, I see Him. In a movie... in the laughter of a child... in a taxi driver allowing me to pass him. He is in unexpected places. I love this journey. I love the people who are on this journey with me.
That stuck with me.
I am determined to manage bipolar disorder. For the past 5 weeks, I have kept a mood diary. I am measuring my blood pressure twice a day. I am weighing myself... and I am plotting all of this data in a spreadsheet.
The 'dips' and 'peaks' over the past month happened when I did not sleep enough and when I was intensely involved with other people. I can control half of that... I now know how much sleep I need. I know that I need to go to gym 4-6 times a week. I know that I need to avoid caffeiene and alcohol.
In all of this, I am still looking for Jesus. Every now and then, I see Him. In a movie... in the laughter of a child... in a taxi driver allowing me to pass him. He is in unexpected places. I love this journey. I love the people who are on this journey with me.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Preparation
It is spring in South Africa. With spring, comes the first rains of the season and farmers start preparing the fields. This preparation includes plowing, i.e. breaking the hard layer of soil, turning the soil over, fertilizing.... and then waiting on God to send the rain.
The events of the past few weeks really turned my heart over and over. It is my prayer that God will take my broken heart and the broken hearts of my friends and turn it into something beautiful. With this, I acknowledge God as the Farmer. I acknowledge that without Him, I am just broken earth. Only in Him and through Him, can anything good come of our broken heart(s).
We are not alone in this prayer. On Monday it is Yom Kippur. My prayer, with that of so many others, is that God will forgive me and mine and find our heart(s) useful in the year to come.
The events of the past few weeks really turned my heart over and over. It is my prayer that God will take my broken heart and the broken hearts of my friends and turn it into something beautiful. With this, I acknowledge God as the Farmer. I acknowledge that without Him, I am just broken earth. Only in Him and through Him, can anything good come of our broken heart(s).
We are not alone in this prayer. On Monday it is Yom Kippur. My prayer, with that of so many others, is that God will forgive me and mine and find our heart(s) useful in the year to come.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Up!
The past few weeks have really been draining. This morning all I wanted to do was to stay in bed, and I almost did (it is a public holiday in South Africa), but am really glad I didn't.
Instead I went to see the (fairly) new animated movie, "Up". What a delightful movie!
Strange as this might sound... the movie shows new loyalties, as opposed to the traditional model where "married is better than single", "with children are better than without" and biological connections rule.
It reminded me of community and what brings us together. We are very different. In our country, we have eleven official languages. Some are married, some have children, others are single or married, without kids. Some are black, others white, coloured or Indian.... yet Jesus unites us in a new family.
I do not want to spoil the fun. I really think this movie is worthwhile and hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Following Jesus in Johannesburg this week
Following Jesus once was a very different concept. Twenty years ago, it meant something like:
- reading your Bible twice a day & pray
- go to 'church' twice on a Sunday
- go to youth on a Friday
- not swearing
- not smoking
- not drinking
- not to have extra-marital sex
- fasting occasionally
... and maybe one or two other things. It was basic, clear cut and simple.
As I journeyed on, discipleship has become so much more complex. Following Jesus turned me around. People who share no DNA markers with me, are now my relatives. Saying 'sorry for Apartheid' can never be enough. Following Jesus sometimes mean being unpopular. Often it equates to making the difficult decisions... and then keep standing.
It was one of those weeks. I want to want to love Jesus. I want to want to please Him and not people. I want to want to live more like Him and I want to want to keep following Him.
Following implies moving. It implies change. It implies keeping my eyes on Him. Sometimes, just for a moment, I wish I could go back to those early days, but then... I do not want to give up this journey. It is tiring and sometimes really difficult, but at the same time exhilarating.
May God reveal Himself to me and you. May He give us the strength and the courage to keep following Him... just one step at a time.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Life and death
Tonight I really have mixed emotions. Let's start with the great things... tomorrow my friend Tayla turns four. Over the past year I watched her transformation from toddler to little princess. She is a girly girl who loves pink and bling. I just love her honesty. She really is amazing.
She shares her birthday with one of the bravest women I know, my friend Yvonne.
Yvonne's husband was in the ministry when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Tonight a programme will be broadcasted on RSG (a local radio station) where she will talk about what bipolar disorder did to their marriage. I love Yvonne and Jan. Their journey gives me hope for mine. I love the fact that they allow me just to 'be'.
I love Yvonne's courage and gutzpah. I think many people would run away from a marriage like theirs, but instead she cares and nurtures. She is 'out there' all of the time and rides an emotional rollercoaster as Jan improves and relapses. She honestly battles with God about this (often crazy) journey and is not scared to ask the tough questions.
Then, my friend Anton died today. I have many fond memories of him. Maybe I will blog about him another day. Today he just had a diabetic attack and died.
I thank God for letting my paths cross with all 3 of these precious people. They bring variety and spice to my life.
She shares her birthday with one of the bravest women I know, my friend Yvonne.
Yvonne's husband was in the ministry when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Tonight a programme will be broadcasted on RSG (a local radio station) where she will talk about what bipolar disorder did to their marriage. I love Yvonne and Jan. Their journey gives me hope for mine. I love the fact that they allow me just to 'be'.
I love Yvonne's courage and gutzpah. I think many people would run away from a marriage like theirs, but instead she cares and nurtures. She is 'out there' all of the time and rides an emotional rollercoaster as Jan improves and relapses. She honestly battles with God about this (often crazy) journey and is not scared to ask the tough questions.
Then, my friend Anton died today. I have many fond memories of him. Maybe I will blog about him another day. Today he just had a diabetic attack and died.
I thank God for letting my paths cross with all 3 of these precious people. They bring variety and spice to my life.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Bipolar disorder and Jesus
Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My first reaction was that it changes nothing. After considering it for some time, I still do not think anything changed.
The rules are the same - my psychiatrist is a consultant, I am the manager of this disease. I still need proper sleep, healthy food, exercise, minimal caffeiene and alcohol... and my medicine.
The medicine is the real contentious issue, because it has side effects. I still can't picture Jesus as giving or allowing disease. Any disease. I honestly believes that it breaks His heart as it breaks mine.
I know a few other people living with this disease. I hear them ask the questions that I am sometimes too scared to ask, like: "Is this real or is it just in my head? Do I need the meds? Can't I just snap out of it?" However, when I look at their behaviour (and mine) I suspect that the disease is real and must be managed.
Tonight, I thank God for a community who understand this. I am still trying to find Jesus in this chaos that is my life. I sometimes catch a glimpse of Him when I am so creative and when I am weeping, I remember that He also cried.
One day at a time. That is all. Jesus was clear on us being unable to change anything by worrying about it. Just today... His grace is enough for me.
The rules are the same - my psychiatrist is a consultant, I am the manager of this disease. I still need proper sleep, healthy food, exercise, minimal caffeiene and alcohol... and my medicine.
The medicine is the real contentious issue, because it has side effects. I still can't picture Jesus as giving or allowing disease. Any disease. I honestly believes that it breaks His heart as it breaks mine.
I know a few other people living with this disease. I hear them ask the questions that I am sometimes too scared to ask, like: "Is this real or is it just in my head? Do I need the meds? Can't I just snap out of it?" However, when I look at their behaviour (and mine) I suspect that the disease is real and must be managed.
Tonight, I thank God for a community who understand this. I am still trying to find Jesus in this chaos that is my life. I sometimes catch a glimpse of Him when I am so creative and when I am weeping, I remember that He also cried.
One day at a time. That is all. Jesus was clear on us being unable to change anything by worrying about it. Just today... His grace is enough for me.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Two hearts live in just one mind
I have started writing this post about 20 times now and then either found that I could not express myself properly or I just got side tracked, doing a bunch of things at the same time.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past two and a half years now. I have been on various anti-depressants, etc. for the same period of time. I thank God for my psychiatrist. Seriously. Without help, I would probably have committed suicide somewhere along the line.
See, sometimes I loose hope. I battle to sleep. I can't concentrate. I am forgetful. I have moodswings. When I am in that dark place, I find it so hard to believe that there is a God and He has good intentions, let alone love. I never was a social butterfly and am an introvert, but when I am in this dark place, it is simply too strenuous to even try to talk to people. Getting up in the morning, taking a bath, brushing my teeth... everything becomes a mission.
And then there is the other side where I can do anything! I become invincible. I can do a load of things at the same time. I am super creative. I laugh and joke. My brain buzzes with new ideas all the time. Sleep is not important. Exercise is easy. Again... thank God for my psychiatrist.
Sometimes it is like having two hearts crammed into my mind. This is a crazy way to live and I often wish that I could just snap out of it or God would take it away. That has not happened yet.
The plan? Sleep enough. Eat healthy. Exercise. Leave caffeine and alcohol alone. Take the meds. Pray. Pray that God will find me in this disorganised mind, beacuse somewhere, inside all of this, I'm still here and I need God more than ever.
At the moment I am in what 'they' call a mixed episode. When I get up in the morning, I am invincible, but the slightest thing swings my mood right around. A little crazy, I know...
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past two and a half years now. I have been on various anti-depressants, etc. for the same period of time. I thank God for my psychiatrist. Seriously. Without help, I would probably have committed suicide somewhere along the line.
See, sometimes I loose hope. I battle to sleep. I can't concentrate. I am forgetful. I have moodswings. When I am in that dark place, I find it so hard to believe that there is a God and He has good intentions, let alone love. I never was a social butterfly and am an introvert, but when I am in this dark place, it is simply too strenuous to even try to talk to people. Getting up in the morning, taking a bath, brushing my teeth... everything becomes a mission.
And then there is the other side where I can do anything! I become invincible. I can do a load of things at the same time. I am super creative. I laugh and joke. My brain buzzes with new ideas all the time. Sleep is not important. Exercise is easy. Again... thank God for my psychiatrist.
Sometimes it is like having two hearts crammed into my mind. This is a crazy way to live and I often wish that I could just snap out of it or God would take it away. That has not happened yet.
The plan? Sleep enough. Eat healthy. Exercise. Leave caffeine and alcohol alone. Take the meds. Pray. Pray that God will find me in this disorganised mind, beacuse somewhere, inside all of this, I'm still here and I need God more than ever.
At the moment I am in what 'they' call a mixed episode. When I get up in the morning, I am invincible, but the slightest thing swings my mood right around. A little crazy, I know...
Friday, August 14, 2009
St Patrick's confession - the man behind the myth
I, Patrick, a sinner, a most simple countryman, the least of all the faithful and most contemptible to many, had for father the deacon Calpurnius, son of the late Potitus, a presbyter, of the settlement of Bannaven Taburniae; he had a small villa nearby where I was taken captive. I was at that time about sixteen years of age. I did not, indeed, know the true God; and I was taken into captivity in Ireland with many thousands of people, according to our deserts, for quite drawn away from God, we did not keep his precepts, nor were we obedient to our presbyters who used to remind us of our salvation. And the Lord brought down on us the fury of his being and scattered us among many nations, even to the ends of the earth, where I, in my smallness, am now to be found among foreigners.
And there the Lord opened my mind to an awareness of my unbelief, in order that, even so late, I might remember my transgressions and turn with all my heart to the Lord my God, who had regard for my insignificance and pitied my youth and ignorance. And he watched over me before I knew him, and before I learned sense or even distinguished between good and evil, and he protected me, and consoled me as a father would his son.
Therefore, indeed, I cannot keep silent, nor would it be proper, so many favours and graces has the Lord deigned to bestow on me in the land of my captivity. For after chastisement from God, and recognizing him, our way to repay him is to exalt him and confess his wonders before every nation under heaven:
For there is no other God, nor ever was before, nor shall be hereafter, but God the Father, unbegotten and without beginning, in whom all things began, whose are all things, as we have been taught; and his son Jesus Christ, who manifestly always existed with the Father, before the beginning of time in the spirit with the Father, indescribably begotten before all things, and all things visible and invisible were made by him. He was made man, conquered death and was received into Heaven, to the Father who gave him all power over every name in Heaven and on Earth and in Hell, so that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and God, in whom we believe. And we look to his imminent coming again, the judge of the living and the dead, who will render to each according to his deeds. And he poured out his Holy Spirit on us in abundance, the gift and pledge of immortality, which makes the believers and the obedient into sons of God and co-heirs of Christ who is revealed, and we worship one God in the Trinity of holy name.
He himself said through the prophet: "Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me [Psalm 50:15]." And again: "It is right to reveal and publish abroad the works of God."
I am imperfect in many things, nevertheless I want my brethren and kinsfolk to know my nature so that they may be able to perceive my soul's desire.
I am not ignorant of what is said of my Lord in the Psalm: "You destroy those who speak a lie [Psalm 5:6]." And again: "A lying mouth deals death to the soul." And likewise the Lord says in the Gospel: "On the day of judgment men shall render account for every idle word they utter [Matthew 12:36]."
So it is that I should mightily fear, with terror and trembling, this judgment on the day when no one shall be able to steal away or hide, but each and all shall render account for even our smallest sins before the judgment seat of Christ the Lord.
And therefore for some time I have thought of writing, but I have hesitated until now, for truly, I feared to expose myself to the criticism of men, because I have not studied like others, who have assimilated both Law and the Holy Scriptures equally and have never changed their idiom since their infancy, but instead were always learning it increasingly, to perfection, while my idiom and language have been translated into a foreign tongue. So it is easy to prove from a sample of my writing, my ability in rhetoric and the extent of my preparation and knowledge, for as it is said, "wisdom shall be recognized in speech, and in understanding, and in knowledge and in the learning of truth."
But why make excuses close to the truth, especially when now I am presuming to try to grasp in my old age what I did not gain in my youth because my sins prevented me from making what I had read my own? But who will believe me, even though I should say it again? A young man, almost a beardless boy, I was taken captive before I knew what I should desire and what I should shun. So, consequently, today I feel ashamed and I am mightily afraid to expose my ignorance, because, [I am not] eloquent, with a small vocabulary, I am unable to explain as the spirit is eager to do and as the soul and the mind indicate.
But had it been given to me as to others, in gratitude I should not have kept silent, and if it should appear that I put myself before others, with my ignorance and my slower speech, in truth, it is written: "The tongue of the stammerers shall speak rapidly and distinctly [Isaiah 32:4]." How much harder must we try to attain it, we of whom it is said: "You are an epistle of Christ in greeting to the ends of the earth... written on your hearts, not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God [2 Corinthians 3:3]." And again, the Spirit witnessed that the rustic life was created by the Most High.
I am, then, first of all, countrified, an exile, evidently unlearned, one who is not able to see into the future, but I know for certain, that before I was humbled I was like a stone lying in deep mire, and he that is mighty came and in his mercy raised me up and, indeed, lifted me high up and placed me on top of the wall. And from there I ought to shout out in gratitude to the Lord for his great favours in this world and for ever, that the mind of man cannot measure.
Therefore be amazed, you great and small who fear God, and you men of God, eloquent speakers, listen and contemplate. Who was it summoned me, a fool, from the midst of those who appear wise and learned in the law and powerful in rhetoric and in all things? Me, truly wretched in this world, he inspired before others that I could be-- if I would-- such a one who, with fear and reverence, and faithfully, without complaint, would come to the people to whom the love of Christ brought me and gave me in my lifetime, if I should be worthy, to serve them truly and with humility.
According, therefore, to the measure of one's faith in the Trinity, one should proceed without holding back from danger to make known the gift of God and everlasting consolation, to spread God's name everywhere with confidence and without fear, in order to leave behind, after my death, foundations for my brethren and sons whom I baptized in the Lord in so many thousands.
And I was not worthy, nor was I such that the Lord should grant his humble servant this, that after hardships and such great trials, after captivity, after many years, he should give me so much favour with these people, a thing which in the time of my youth I neither hoped for nor imagined.
But after I reached Hibernia I used to pasture the flock each day and I used to pray many times a day. More and more did the love of God, and my fear of him and faith increase, and my spirit was moved so that in a day [I said] from one up to a hundred prayers, and in the night a like number; besides I used to stay out in the forests and on the mountain and I would wake up before daylight to pray in the snow, in icy coldness, in rain, and I used to feel neither ill nor any slothfulness, because, as I now see, the Spirit was burning in me at that time.
And it was there of course that one night in my sleep I heard a voice saying to me: "You do well to fast: soon you will depart for your home country." And again, a very short time later, there was a voice prophesying: "Behold, your ship is ready." And it was not close by, but, as it happened, two hundred miles away, where I had never been nor knew any person. And shortly thereafter I turned about and fled from the man with whom I had been for six years, and I came, by the power of God who directed my route to advantage (and I was afraid of nothing), until I reached that ship.
And on the same day that I arrived, the ship was setting out from the place, and I said that I had not the wherewithal to sail with them; and the steersman was displeased and replied in anger, sharply: "By no means attempt to go with us." Hearing this I left them to go to the hut where I was staying, and on the way I began to pray, and before the prayer was finished I heard one of them shouting loudly after me: "Come quickly because the men are calling you." And immediately I went back to them and they started to say to me: "Come, because we are admitting you out of good faith; make friendship with us in any way you wish." (And so, on that day, I refused to suck the breasts of these men from fear of God, but nevertheless I had hopes that they would come to faith in Jesus Christ, because they were barbarians.) And for this I continued with them, and forthwith we put to sea.
And after three days we reached land, and for twenty-eight days journeyed through uninhabited country, and the food ran out and hunger overtook them; and one day the steersman began saying: "Why is it, Christian? You say your God is great and all-powerful; then why can you not pray for us? For we may perish of hunger; it is unlikely indeed that we shall ever see another human being." In fact, I said to them, confidently: "Be converted by faith with all your heart to my Lord God, because nothing is impossible for him, so that today he will send food for you on your road, until you be sated, because everywhere he abounds." And with God's help this came to pass; and behold, a herd of swine appeared on the road before our eyes, and they slew many of them, and remained there for two nights, and they were full of their meat and well restored, for many of them had fainted and would otherwise have been left half dead by the wayside. And after this they gave the utmost thanks to God, and I was esteemed in their eyes, and from that day they had food abundantly. They discovered wild honey, besides, and they offered a share to me, and one of them said: "It is a sacrifice." Thanks be to God, I tasted none of it.
The very same night while I was sleeping Satan attacked me violently, as I will remember as long as I shall be in this body; and there fell on top of me as it were, a huge rock, and not one of my members had any force. But from whence did it come to me, ignorant in the spirit, to call upon Elijah? And meanwhile I saw the sun rising in the sky, and while I was crying out "Elijah, Elijah" with all my might, lo, the brilliance of that sun fell upon me and immediately shook me free of all the weight; and I believe that I was aided by Christ my Lord, and that his Spirit then was crying out for me, and I hope that it will be so in the day of my affliction, just as it says in the Gospel: "In that hour", the Lord declares, "it is not you who speaks but the Spirit of your Father speaking in you [Matthew 10:20]."
And a second time, after many years, I was taken captive. On the first night I accordingly remained with my captors, but I heard a divine prophecy, saying to me: "You shall be with them for two months." So it happened. On the sixtieth night the Lord delivered me from their hands.
On the journey he provided us with food and fire and dry weather every day, until on the tenth day we came upon people. As I mentioned above, we had journeyed through an unpopulated country for twenty-eight days, and in fact the night that we came upon people we had no food.
And after a few years I was again in Britain with my parents, and they welcomed me as a son, and asked me, in faith, that after the great tribulations I had endured I should not go any where else away from them. And, of course, there, in a vision of the night, I saw a man whose name was Victoricus coming as if from Hibernia with innumerable letters, and he gave me one of them, and I read the beginning of the letter: "The Voice of the Hibernians", and as I was reading the beginning of the letter I seemed at that moment to hear the voice of those who were beside the forest of Foclut which is near the western sea, and they were crying as if with one voice: "We beg you, holy youth, that you shall come and shall walk again among us." And I was stung intensely in my heart so that I could read no more, and thus I awoke. Thanks be to God, because after so many years the Lord bestowed on them according to their cry.
And another night-- God knows, I do not, whether within me or beside me-- most words which I heard and could not understand, except at the end of the speech it was represented thus: "He who gave his life for you, he it is who speaks within you." And thus I awoke, joyful.
And on a second occasion I saw Him praying within me, and I was as it were, inside my own body , and I heard Him above me-- that is, above my inner self. He was praying powerfully with sighs. And in the course of this I was astonished and wondering, and I pondered who it could be who was praying within me. But at the end of the prayer it was revealed to me that it was the Spirit. And so I awoke and remembered the Apostle's words: "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we know not how to pray as we ought. But the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for utterance [Romans 8:26]." And again: "The Lord our advocate intercedes for us [Romans 8:27]."
And then I was attacked by a goodly number of my elders, who [mentioned] my sins against my arduous episcopate. That day in particular I was mightily upset, and might have fallen here and for ever; but the Lord generously spared me, a convert, and an alien, for his name's sake, and he came powerfully to my assistance in that state of being trampled down. I pray God that it shall not be held against them as a sin that I fell truly into disgrace and scandal.
They brought up against me after thirty years an occurrence I had confessed before becoming a deacon. On account of the anxiety in my sorrowful mind, I laid before my close friend what I had perpetrated on a day-- nay, rather in one hour-- in my boyhood because I was not yet proof against sin. God knows-- I do not-- whether I was fifteen years old at the time, and I did not then believe in the living God, nor had I believed, since my infancy; but I remained in death and unbelief until I was severely rebuked, and in truth I was humbled every day by hunger and nakedness.
On the other hand, I did not proceed to Hibernia of my own accord until I was almost giving up, but through this I was corrected by the Lord, and he prepared me so that today I should be what was once far from me, in order that I should have the care of-- or rather, I should be concerned for-- the salvation of others, when at that time, still, I was only concerned for myself.
Therefore, on that day when I was rebuked, as I have just mentioned, I saw in a vision of the night a document before my face, without honour, and meanwhile I heard a divine prophecy, saying to me: "We have seen with displeasure the face of the chosen one divested of name." And he did not say "You have seen with displeasure", but "We have seen with displeasure" (as if He included Himself) . He said then: "He who touches you, touches the apple of my eye."
For that reason, I give thanks to him who strengthened me in all things, so that I should not be hindered in my setting out and also in my work which I was taught by Christ my Lord; but more, from that state of affairs I felt, within me, no little courage, and vindicated my faith before God and man.
Hence, therefore, I say boldly that my conscience is clear now and hereafter. God is my witness that I have not lied in these words to you.
But rather, I am grieved for my very close friend, that because of him we deserved to hear such a prophecy. The one to whom I entrusted my soul! And I found out from a goodly number of brethren, before the case was made in my defense (in which I did not take part, nor was I in Britain, nor was it pleaded by me), that in my absence he would fight in my behalf. Besides, he told me himself: "See, the rank of bishop goes to you"-- of which I was not worthy. But how did it come to him, shortly afterwards, to disgrace me publicly, in the presence of all, good and bad, because previously, gladly and of his own free will, he pardoned me, as did the Lord, who is greater than all?
I have said enough. But all the same, I ought not to conceal God's gift which he lavished on us in the land of my captivity, for then I sought him resolutely, and I found him there, and he preserved me from all evils (as I believe) through the in-dwelling of his Spirit, which works in me to this day. Again, boldly, but God knows, if this had been made known to me by man, I might, perhaps, have kept silent for the love of Christ.
Thus I give untiring thanks to God who kept me faithful in the day of my temptation, so that today I may confidently offer my soul as a living sacrifice for Christ my Lord; who am I, Lord? or, rather, what is my calling? that you appeared to me in so great a divine quality, so that today among the barbarians I might constantly exalt and magnify your name in whatever place I should be, and not only in good fortune, but even in affliction? So that whatever befalls me, be it good or bad, I should accept it equally, and give thanks always to God who revealed to me that I might trust in him, implicitly and forever, and who will encourage me so that, ignorant, and in the last days, I may dare to undertake so devout and so wonderful a work; so that I might imitate one of those whom, once, long ago, the Lord already pre-ordained to be heralds of his Gospel to witness to all peoples to the ends of the earth. So are we seeing, and so it is fulfilled; behold, we are witnesses because the Gospel has been preached as far as the places beyond which no man lives.
But it is tedious to describe in detail all my labours one by one. I will tell briefly how our most holy God frequently delivered me, from slavery, and from the twelve trials with which my soul was threatened, from man traps as well, and from things I am not able to put into words. I would not cause offense to readers, but I have God as witness who knew all things even before they happened, that, though I was a poor ignorant waif, still he gave me abundant warnings through divine prophecy.
Whence came to me this wisdom which was not my own, I who neither knew the number of days nor had knowledge of God? Whence came the so great and so healthful gift of knowing or rather loving God, though I should lose homeland and family.
And many gifts were offered to me with weeping and tears, and I offended them, and also went against the wishes of a good number of my elders; but guided by God, I neither agreed with them nor deferred to them, not by my own grace but by God who is victorious in me and withstands them all, so that I might come to the Irish people to preach the Gospel and endure insults from unbelievers; that I might hear scandal of my travels, and endure many persecutions to the extent of prison; and so that I might give up my free birthright for the advantage of others, and if I should be worthy, I am ready [to relinquish] even my life without hesitation; and most willingly for His name. And I choose to devote it to him even unto death, if God grant it to me.
I am greatly God's debtor, because he granted me so much grace, that through me many people would be reborn in God, and soon after confirmed, and that clergy would be ordained everywhere for them, the masses lately come to belief, whom the Lord drew from the ends of the earth, just as he once promised through his prophets: "To you shall the nations come from the ends of the earth, and shall say, Our fathers have inherited naught but lies, worthless things in which there is no profit [Jeremiah 16:19]." And again: "I have set you to be a light for the Gentiles that you may bring salvation to the uttermost ends of the earth [Acts 13:47]."And I wish to wait then for his promise which is never unfulfilled, just as it is promised in the Gospel: "Many shall come from east and west and shall sit at table with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob [Matthew 8:11]." Just as we believe that believers will come from all the world.
So for that reason one should, in fact, fish well and diligently, just as the Lord foretells and teaches, saying, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men [Matthew 4:19]," and again through the prophets: "Behold, I am sending forth many fishers and hunters, says the Lord [Jeremiah 16:16]," et cetera. So it behooved us to spread our nets, that a vast multitude and throng might be caught for God, and so there might be clergy everywhere who baptized and exhorted a needy and desirous people. Just as the Lord says in the Gospel, admonishing and instructing: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always to the end of time [Matthew 28:19]." And again he says: "Go forth into the world and preach the Gospel to all creation. He who believes and is baptized shall be saved; but he who does not believe shall be condemned [Mark 16:15]." And again: "This Gospel of the Kingdom shall be preached throughout the whole world as a witness to all nations; and then the end of the world shall come [Matthew 24:14]." And likewise the Lord foretells through the prophet: "And it shall come to pass in the last days (sayeth the Lord) that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions and your old men shall dream dreams; yea, and on my menservants and my maidservants in those days I will pour out my Spirit and they shall prophesy [Joel 2:28]." And in Hosea he says: "Those who are not my people I will call my people, and those not beloved I will call my beloved, and in the very place where it was said to them, You are not my people, they will be called Sons of the living God [Hosea 1:10]."
So, how is it that in Hibernia, where they never had any knowledge of God but, always, until now, cherished idols and unclean things, they are lately become a people of the Lord, and are called children of God; the sons of the Irish and the daughters of the chieftains are to be seen as monks and virgins of Christ.And there was, besides, a most beautiful, blessed, native-born noble Irish woman of adult age whom I baptized; and a few days later she had reason to come to us to intimate that she had received a prophecy from a divine messenger [who] advised her that she should become a virgin of Christ and she would draw nearer to God. Thanks be to God, six days from then, opportunely and most eagerly, she took the course that all virgins of God take, not with their fathers' consent but enduring the persecutions and deceitful hindrances of their parents. Notwithstanding that, their number increases, (we do not know the number of them that are so reborn) besides the widows, and those who practice self-denial. Those who are kept in slavery suffer the most. They endure terrors and constant threats, but the Lord has given grace to many of his handmaidens, for even though they are forbidden to do so, still they resolutely follow his example.
So it is that even if I should wish to separate from them in order to go to Britain, and most willingly was I prepared to go to my homeland and kinsfolk-- and not only there, but as far as Gaul to visit the brethren there, so that I might see the faces of the holy ones of my Lord, God knows how strongly I desired this-- I am bound by the Spirit, who witnessed to me that if I did so he would mark me out as guilty, and I fear to waste the labour that I began, and not I, but Christ the Lord, who commanded me to come to be with them for the rest of my life, if the Lord shall will it and shield me from every evil, so that I may not sin before him.
So I hope that I did as I ought, but I do not trust myself as long as I am in this mortal body, for he is strong who strives daily to turn me away from the faith and true holiness to which I aspire until the end of my life for Christ my Lord, but the hostile flesh is always dragging one down to death, that is, to unlawful attractions. And I know in part why I did not lead a perfect life like other believers, but I confess to my Lord and do not blush in his sight, because I am not lying; from the time when I came to know him in my youth, the love of God and fear of him increased in me, and right up until now, by God's favour, I have kept the faith.What is more, let anyone laugh and taunt if he so wishes. I am not keeping silent, nor am I hiding the signs and wonders that were shown to me by the Lord many years before they happened, who knew everything, even before the beginning of time.
Thus, I should give thanks unceasingly to God, who frequently forgave my folly and my negligence, in more than one instance so as not to be violently angry with me, who am placed as his helper, and I did not easily assent to what had been revealed to me, as the Spirit was urging; and the Lord took pity on me thousands upon thousands of times, because he saw within me that I was prepared, but that I was ignorant of what to do in view of my situation; because many were trying to prevent this mission. They were talking among themselves behind my back, and saying: "Why is this fellow throwing himself into danger among enemies who know not God?" Not from malice, but having no liking for it; likewise, as I myself can testify, they perceived my rusticity. And I was not quick to recognize the grace that was then in me; I now know that I should have done so earlier.Now I have put it frankly to my brethren and co-workers, who have believed me because of what I have foretold and still foretell to strengthen and reinforce your faith. I wish only that you, too, would make greater and better efforts. This will be my pride, for "a wise son makes a proud father [Proverbs 10:1; 15:20]."
You know, as God does, how I went about among you from my youth in the faith of truth and in sincerity of heart. As well as to the heathen among whom I live, I have shown them trust and always show them trust. God knows I did not cheat any one of them, nor consider it, for the sake of God and his Church, lest I arouse them and [cause] persecution for them and for all of us, and lest the Lord's name be blasphemed because of me, for it is written: "Woe to the men through whom the name of the Lord is blasphemed."For even though I am ignorant in all things, nevertheless I attempted to safeguard some and myself also. And I gave back again to my Christian brethren and the virgins of Christ and the holy women the small unasked for gifts that they used to give me or some of their ornaments which they used to throw on the altar. And they would be offended with me because I did this. But in the hope of eternity, I safeguarded myself carefully in all things, so that they might not cheat me of my office of service on any pretext of dishonesty, and so that I should not in the smallest way provide any occasion for defamation or disparagement on the part of unbelievers.What is more, when I baptized so many thousands of people, did I hope for even half a jot from any of them? Tell me, and I will give it back to you. And when the Lord ordained clergy everywhere by my humble means, and I freely conferred office on them, if I asked any of them anywhere even for the price of one shoe, say so to my face and I will give it back.More, I spent for you so that they would receive me. And I went about among you, and everywhere for your sake, in danger, and as far as the outermost regions beyond which no one lived, and where no one had ever penetrated before, to baptize or to ordain clergy or to confirm people. Conscientiously and gladly I did all this work by God's gift for your salvation.
From time to time I gave rewards to the kings, as well as making payments to their sons who travel with me; notwithstanding which, they seized me with my companions, and that day most avidly desired to kill me. But my time had not yet come. They plundered everything they found on us anyway, and fettered me in irons; and on the fourteenth day the Lord freed me from their power, and whatever they had of ours was given back to us for the sake of God on account of the indispensable friends whom we had made before.Also you know from experience how much I was paying to those who were administering justice in all the regions, which I visited often. I estimate truly that I distributed to them not less than the price of fifteen men, in order that you should enjoy my company and I enjoy yours, always, in God. I do not regret this nor do I regard it as enough. I am paying out still and I shall pay out more. The Lord has the power to grant me that I may soon spend my own self, for your souls.Behold, I call on God as my witness upon my soul that I am not lying; nor would I write to you for it to be an occasion for flattery or selfishness, nor hoping for honour from any one of you. Sufficient is the honour which is not yet seen, but in which the heart has confidence. He who made the promise is faithful; he never lies.But I see that even here and now, I have been exalted beyond measure by the Lord, and I was not worthy that he should grant me this, while I know most certainly that poverty and failure suit me better than wealth and delight (but Christ the Lord was poor for our sakes; I certainly am wretched and unfortunate; even if I wanted wealth I have no resources, nor is it my own estimation of myself, for daily I expect to be murdered or betrayed or reduced to slavery if the occasion arises. But I fear nothing, because of the promises of Heaven; for I have cast myself into the hands of Almighty God, who reigns everywhere. As the prophet says: "Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you [Psalm 55:22]."Behold now I commend my soul to God who is most faithful and for whom I perform my mission in obscurity, but he is no respecter of persons and he chose me for this service that I might be one of the least of his ministers.
For which reason I should make return for all that he returns me. But what should I say, or what should I promise to my Lord, for I, alone, can do nothing unless he himself vouchsafe it to me. But let him search my heart and nature, for I crave enough for it, even too much, and I am ready for him to grant me that I drink of his chalice, as he has granted to others who love him.
Therefore may it never befall me to be separated by my God from his people whom he has won in this most remote land. I pray God that he gives me perseverance, and that he will deign that I should be a faithful witness for his sake right up to the time of my passing.
And if at any time I managed anything of good for the sake of my God whom I love, I beg of him that he grant it to me to shed my blood for his name with proselytes and captives, even should I be left unburied, or even were my wretched body to be torn limb from limb by dogs or savage beasts, or were it to be devoured by the birds of the air, I think, most surely, were this to have happened to me, I had saved both my soul and my body. For beyond any doubt on that day we shall rise again in the brightness of the sun, that is, in the glory of Christ Jesus our Redeemer, as children of the living God and co-heirs of Christ, made in his image; for we shall reign through him and for him and in him.
For the sun we see rises each day for us at [his] command, but it will never reign, neither will its splendor last, but all who worship it will come wretchedly to punishment. We, on the other hand, shall not die, who believe in and worship the true sun, Christ, who will never die, no more shall he die who has done Christ's will, but will abide for ever just as Christ abides for ever, who reigns with God the Father Almighty and with the Holy Spirit before the beginning of time and now and for ever and ever. Amen.
Behold over and over again I would briefly set out the words of my confession. I testify in truthfulness and gladness of heart before God and his holy angels that I never had any reason, except the Gospel and his promises, ever to have returned to that nation from which I had previously escaped with difficulty.
But I entreat those who believe in and fear God, whoever deigns to examine or receive this document composed by the obviously unlearned sinner Patrick in Hibernia, that nobody shall ever ascribe to my ignorance any trivial thing that I achieved or may have expounded that was pleasing to God, but accept and truly believe that it would have been the gift of God.
And this is my confession before I die.
And there the Lord opened my mind to an awareness of my unbelief, in order that, even so late, I might remember my transgressions and turn with all my heart to the Lord my God, who had regard for my insignificance and pitied my youth and ignorance. And he watched over me before I knew him, and before I learned sense or even distinguished between good and evil, and he protected me, and consoled me as a father would his son.
Therefore, indeed, I cannot keep silent, nor would it be proper, so many favours and graces has the Lord deigned to bestow on me in the land of my captivity. For after chastisement from God, and recognizing him, our way to repay him is to exalt him and confess his wonders before every nation under heaven:
For there is no other God, nor ever was before, nor shall be hereafter, but God the Father, unbegotten and without beginning, in whom all things began, whose are all things, as we have been taught; and his son Jesus Christ, who manifestly always existed with the Father, before the beginning of time in the spirit with the Father, indescribably begotten before all things, and all things visible and invisible were made by him. He was made man, conquered death and was received into Heaven, to the Father who gave him all power over every name in Heaven and on Earth and in Hell, so that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and God, in whom we believe. And we look to his imminent coming again, the judge of the living and the dead, who will render to each according to his deeds. And he poured out his Holy Spirit on us in abundance, the gift and pledge of immortality, which makes the believers and the obedient into sons of God and co-heirs of Christ who is revealed, and we worship one God in the Trinity of holy name.
He himself said through the prophet: "Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me [Psalm 50:15]." And again: "It is right to reveal and publish abroad the works of God."
I am imperfect in many things, nevertheless I want my brethren and kinsfolk to know my nature so that they may be able to perceive my soul's desire.
I am not ignorant of what is said of my Lord in the Psalm: "You destroy those who speak a lie [Psalm 5:6]." And again: "A lying mouth deals death to the soul." And likewise the Lord says in the Gospel: "On the day of judgment men shall render account for every idle word they utter [Matthew 12:36]."
So it is that I should mightily fear, with terror and trembling, this judgment on the day when no one shall be able to steal away or hide, but each and all shall render account for even our smallest sins before the judgment seat of Christ the Lord.
And therefore for some time I have thought of writing, but I have hesitated until now, for truly, I feared to expose myself to the criticism of men, because I have not studied like others, who have assimilated both Law and the Holy Scriptures equally and have never changed their idiom since their infancy, but instead were always learning it increasingly, to perfection, while my idiom and language have been translated into a foreign tongue. So it is easy to prove from a sample of my writing, my ability in rhetoric and the extent of my preparation and knowledge, for as it is said, "wisdom shall be recognized in speech, and in understanding, and in knowledge and in the learning of truth."
But why make excuses close to the truth, especially when now I am presuming to try to grasp in my old age what I did not gain in my youth because my sins prevented me from making what I had read my own? But who will believe me, even though I should say it again? A young man, almost a beardless boy, I was taken captive before I knew what I should desire and what I should shun. So, consequently, today I feel ashamed and I am mightily afraid to expose my ignorance, because, [I am not] eloquent, with a small vocabulary, I am unable to explain as the spirit is eager to do and as the soul and the mind indicate.
But had it been given to me as to others, in gratitude I should not have kept silent, and if it should appear that I put myself before others, with my ignorance and my slower speech, in truth, it is written: "The tongue of the stammerers shall speak rapidly and distinctly [Isaiah 32:4]." How much harder must we try to attain it, we of whom it is said: "You are an epistle of Christ in greeting to the ends of the earth... written on your hearts, not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God [2 Corinthians 3:3]." And again, the Spirit witnessed that the rustic life was created by the Most High.
I am, then, first of all, countrified, an exile, evidently unlearned, one who is not able to see into the future, but I know for certain, that before I was humbled I was like a stone lying in deep mire, and he that is mighty came and in his mercy raised me up and, indeed, lifted me high up and placed me on top of the wall. And from there I ought to shout out in gratitude to the Lord for his great favours in this world and for ever, that the mind of man cannot measure.
Therefore be amazed, you great and small who fear God, and you men of God, eloquent speakers, listen and contemplate. Who was it summoned me, a fool, from the midst of those who appear wise and learned in the law and powerful in rhetoric and in all things? Me, truly wretched in this world, he inspired before others that I could be-- if I would-- such a one who, with fear and reverence, and faithfully, without complaint, would come to the people to whom the love of Christ brought me and gave me in my lifetime, if I should be worthy, to serve them truly and with humility.
According, therefore, to the measure of one's faith in the Trinity, one should proceed without holding back from danger to make known the gift of God and everlasting consolation, to spread God's name everywhere with confidence and without fear, in order to leave behind, after my death, foundations for my brethren and sons whom I baptized in the Lord in so many thousands.
And I was not worthy, nor was I such that the Lord should grant his humble servant this, that after hardships and such great trials, after captivity, after many years, he should give me so much favour with these people, a thing which in the time of my youth I neither hoped for nor imagined.
But after I reached Hibernia I used to pasture the flock each day and I used to pray many times a day. More and more did the love of God, and my fear of him and faith increase, and my spirit was moved so that in a day [I said] from one up to a hundred prayers, and in the night a like number; besides I used to stay out in the forests and on the mountain and I would wake up before daylight to pray in the snow, in icy coldness, in rain, and I used to feel neither ill nor any slothfulness, because, as I now see, the Spirit was burning in me at that time.
And it was there of course that one night in my sleep I heard a voice saying to me: "You do well to fast: soon you will depart for your home country." And again, a very short time later, there was a voice prophesying: "Behold, your ship is ready." And it was not close by, but, as it happened, two hundred miles away, where I had never been nor knew any person. And shortly thereafter I turned about and fled from the man with whom I had been for six years, and I came, by the power of God who directed my route to advantage (and I was afraid of nothing), until I reached that ship.
And on the same day that I arrived, the ship was setting out from the place, and I said that I had not the wherewithal to sail with them; and the steersman was displeased and replied in anger, sharply: "By no means attempt to go with us." Hearing this I left them to go to the hut where I was staying, and on the way I began to pray, and before the prayer was finished I heard one of them shouting loudly after me: "Come quickly because the men are calling you." And immediately I went back to them and they started to say to me: "Come, because we are admitting you out of good faith; make friendship with us in any way you wish." (And so, on that day, I refused to suck the breasts of these men from fear of God, but nevertheless I had hopes that they would come to faith in Jesus Christ, because they were barbarians.) And for this I continued with them, and forthwith we put to sea.
And after three days we reached land, and for twenty-eight days journeyed through uninhabited country, and the food ran out and hunger overtook them; and one day the steersman began saying: "Why is it, Christian? You say your God is great and all-powerful; then why can you not pray for us? For we may perish of hunger; it is unlikely indeed that we shall ever see another human being." In fact, I said to them, confidently: "Be converted by faith with all your heart to my Lord God, because nothing is impossible for him, so that today he will send food for you on your road, until you be sated, because everywhere he abounds." And with God's help this came to pass; and behold, a herd of swine appeared on the road before our eyes, and they slew many of them, and remained there for two nights, and they were full of their meat and well restored, for many of them had fainted and would otherwise have been left half dead by the wayside. And after this they gave the utmost thanks to God, and I was esteemed in their eyes, and from that day they had food abundantly. They discovered wild honey, besides, and they offered a share to me, and one of them said: "It is a sacrifice." Thanks be to God, I tasted none of it.
The very same night while I was sleeping Satan attacked me violently, as I will remember as long as I shall be in this body; and there fell on top of me as it were, a huge rock, and not one of my members had any force. But from whence did it come to me, ignorant in the spirit, to call upon Elijah? And meanwhile I saw the sun rising in the sky, and while I was crying out "Elijah, Elijah" with all my might, lo, the brilliance of that sun fell upon me and immediately shook me free of all the weight; and I believe that I was aided by Christ my Lord, and that his Spirit then was crying out for me, and I hope that it will be so in the day of my affliction, just as it says in the Gospel: "In that hour", the Lord declares, "it is not you who speaks but the Spirit of your Father speaking in you [Matthew 10:20]."
And a second time, after many years, I was taken captive. On the first night I accordingly remained with my captors, but I heard a divine prophecy, saying to me: "You shall be with them for two months." So it happened. On the sixtieth night the Lord delivered me from their hands.
On the journey he provided us with food and fire and dry weather every day, until on the tenth day we came upon people. As I mentioned above, we had journeyed through an unpopulated country for twenty-eight days, and in fact the night that we came upon people we had no food.
And after a few years I was again in Britain with my parents, and they welcomed me as a son, and asked me, in faith, that after the great tribulations I had endured I should not go any where else away from them. And, of course, there, in a vision of the night, I saw a man whose name was Victoricus coming as if from Hibernia with innumerable letters, and he gave me one of them, and I read the beginning of the letter: "The Voice of the Hibernians", and as I was reading the beginning of the letter I seemed at that moment to hear the voice of those who were beside the forest of Foclut which is near the western sea, and they were crying as if with one voice: "We beg you, holy youth, that you shall come and shall walk again among us." And I was stung intensely in my heart so that I could read no more, and thus I awoke. Thanks be to God, because after so many years the Lord bestowed on them according to their cry.
And another night-- God knows, I do not, whether within me or beside me-- most words which I heard and could not understand, except at the end of the speech it was represented thus: "He who gave his life for you, he it is who speaks within you." And thus I awoke, joyful.
And on a second occasion I saw Him praying within me, and I was as it were, inside my own body , and I heard Him above me-- that is, above my inner self. He was praying powerfully with sighs. And in the course of this I was astonished and wondering, and I pondered who it could be who was praying within me. But at the end of the prayer it was revealed to me that it was the Spirit. And so I awoke and remembered the Apostle's words: "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we know not how to pray as we ought. But the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for utterance [Romans 8:26]." And again: "The Lord our advocate intercedes for us [Romans 8:27]."
And then I was attacked by a goodly number of my elders, who [mentioned] my sins against my arduous episcopate. That day in particular I was mightily upset, and might have fallen here and for ever; but the Lord generously spared me, a convert, and an alien, for his name's sake, and he came powerfully to my assistance in that state of being trampled down. I pray God that it shall not be held against them as a sin that I fell truly into disgrace and scandal.
They brought up against me after thirty years an occurrence I had confessed before becoming a deacon. On account of the anxiety in my sorrowful mind, I laid before my close friend what I had perpetrated on a day-- nay, rather in one hour-- in my boyhood because I was not yet proof against sin. God knows-- I do not-- whether I was fifteen years old at the time, and I did not then believe in the living God, nor had I believed, since my infancy; but I remained in death and unbelief until I was severely rebuked, and in truth I was humbled every day by hunger and nakedness.
On the other hand, I did not proceed to Hibernia of my own accord until I was almost giving up, but through this I was corrected by the Lord, and he prepared me so that today I should be what was once far from me, in order that I should have the care of-- or rather, I should be concerned for-- the salvation of others, when at that time, still, I was only concerned for myself.
Therefore, on that day when I was rebuked, as I have just mentioned, I saw in a vision of the night a document before my face, without honour, and meanwhile I heard a divine prophecy, saying to me: "We have seen with displeasure the face of the chosen one divested of name." And he did not say "You have seen with displeasure", but "We have seen with displeasure" (as if He included Himself) . He said then: "He who touches you, touches the apple of my eye."
For that reason, I give thanks to him who strengthened me in all things, so that I should not be hindered in my setting out and also in my work which I was taught by Christ my Lord; but more, from that state of affairs I felt, within me, no little courage, and vindicated my faith before God and man.
Hence, therefore, I say boldly that my conscience is clear now and hereafter. God is my witness that I have not lied in these words to you.
But rather, I am grieved for my very close friend, that because of him we deserved to hear such a prophecy. The one to whom I entrusted my soul! And I found out from a goodly number of brethren, before the case was made in my defense (in which I did not take part, nor was I in Britain, nor was it pleaded by me), that in my absence he would fight in my behalf. Besides, he told me himself: "See, the rank of bishop goes to you"-- of which I was not worthy. But how did it come to him, shortly afterwards, to disgrace me publicly, in the presence of all, good and bad, because previously, gladly and of his own free will, he pardoned me, as did the Lord, who is greater than all?
I have said enough. But all the same, I ought not to conceal God's gift which he lavished on us in the land of my captivity, for then I sought him resolutely, and I found him there, and he preserved me from all evils (as I believe) through the in-dwelling of his Spirit, which works in me to this day. Again, boldly, but God knows, if this had been made known to me by man, I might, perhaps, have kept silent for the love of Christ.
Thus I give untiring thanks to God who kept me faithful in the day of my temptation, so that today I may confidently offer my soul as a living sacrifice for Christ my Lord; who am I, Lord? or, rather, what is my calling? that you appeared to me in so great a divine quality, so that today among the barbarians I might constantly exalt and magnify your name in whatever place I should be, and not only in good fortune, but even in affliction? So that whatever befalls me, be it good or bad, I should accept it equally, and give thanks always to God who revealed to me that I might trust in him, implicitly and forever, and who will encourage me so that, ignorant, and in the last days, I may dare to undertake so devout and so wonderful a work; so that I might imitate one of those whom, once, long ago, the Lord already pre-ordained to be heralds of his Gospel to witness to all peoples to the ends of the earth. So are we seeing, and so it is fulfilled; behold, we are witnesses because the Gospel has been preached as far as the places beyond which no man lives.
But it is tedious to describe in detail all my labours one by one. I will tell briefly how our most holy God frequently delivered me, from slavery, and from the twelve trials with which my soul was threatened, from man traps as well, and from things I am not able to put into words. I would not cause offense to readers, but I have God as witness who knew all things even before they happened, that, though I was a poor ignorant waif, still he gave me abundant warnings through divine prophecy.
Whence came to me this wisdom which was not my own, I who neither knew the number of days nor had knowledge of God? Whence came the so great and so healthful gift of knowing or rather loving God, though I should lose homeland and family.
And many gifts were offered to me with weeping and tears, and I offended them, and also went against the wishes of a good number of my elders; but guided by God, I neither agreed with them nor deferred to them, not by my own grace but by God who is victorious in me and withstands them all, so that I might come to the Irish people to preach the Gospel and endure insults from unbelievers; that I might hear scandal of my travels, and endure many persecutions to the extent of prison; and so that I might give up my free birthright for the advantage of others, and if I should be worthy, I am ready [to relinquish] even my life without hesitation; and most willingly for His name. And I choose to devote it to him even unto death, if God grant it to me.
I am greatly God's debtor, because he granted me so much grace, that through me many people would be reborn in God, and soon after confirmed, and that clergy would be ordained everywhere for them, the masses lately come to belief, whom the Lord drew from the ends of the earth, just as he once promised through his prophets: "To you shall the nations come from the ends of the earth, and shall say, Our fathers have inherited naught but lies, worthless things in which there is no profit [Jeremiah 16:19]." And again: "I have set you to be a light for the Gentiles that you may bring salvation to the uttermost ends of the earth [Acts 13:47]."And I wish to wait then for his promise which is never unfulfilled, just as it is promised in the Gospel: "Many shall come from east and west and shall sit at table with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob [Matthew 8:11]." Just as we believe that believers will come from all the world.
So for that reason one should, in fact, fish well and diligently, just as the Lord foretells and teaches, saying, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men [Matthew 4:19]," and again through the prophets: "Behold, I am sending forth many fishers and hunters, says the Lord [Jeremiah 16:16]," et cetera. So it behooved us to spread our nets, that a vast multitude and throng might be caught for God, and so there might be clergy everywhere who baptized and exhorted a needy and desirous people. Just as the Lord says in the Gospel, admonishing and instructing: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always to the end of time [Matthew 28:19]." And again he says: "Go forth into the world and preach the Gospel to all creation. He who believes and is baptized shall be saved; but he who does not believe shall be condemned [Mark 16:15]." And again: "This Gospel of the Kingdom shall be preached throughout the whole world as a witness to all nations; and then the end of the world shall come [Matthew 24:14]." And likewise the Lord foretells through the prophet: "And it shall come to pass in the last days (sayeth the Lord) that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions and your old men shall dream dreams; yea, and on my menservants and my maidservants in those days I will pour out my Spirit and they shall prophesy [Joel 2:28]." And in Hosea he says: "Those who are not my people I will call my people, and those not beloved I will call my beloved, and in the very place where it was said to them, You are not my people, they will be called Sons of the living God [Hosea 1:10]."
So, how is it that in Hibernia, where they never had any knowledge of God but, always, until now, cherished idols and unclean things, they are lately become a people of the Lord, and are called children of God; the sons of the Irish and the daughters of the chieftains are to be seen as monks and virgins of Christ.And there was, besides, a most beautiful, blessed, native-born noble Irish woman of adult age whom I baptized; and a few days later she had reason to come to us to intimate that she had received a prophecy from a divine messenger [who] advised her that she should become a virgin of Christ and she would draw nearer to God. Thanks be to God, six days from then, opportunely and most eagerly, she took the course that all virgins of God take, not with their fathers' consent but enduring the persecutions and deceitful hindrances of their parents. Notwithstanding that, their number increases, (we do not know the number of them that are so reborn) besides the widows, and those who practice self-denial. Those who are kept in slavery suffer the most. They endure terrors and constant threats, but the Lord has given grace to many of his handmaidens, for even though they are forbidden to do so, still they resolutely follow his example.
So it is that even if I should wish to separate from them in order to go to Britain, and most willingly was I prepared to go to my homeland and kinsfolk-- and not only there, but as far as Gaul to visit the brethren there, so that I might see the faces of the holy ones of my Lord, God knows how strongly I desired this-- I am bound by the Spirit, who witnessed to me that if I did so he would mark me out as guilty, and I fear to waste the labour that I began, and not I, but Christ the Lord, who commanded me to come to be with them for the rest of my life, if the Lord shall will it and shield me from every evil, so that I may not sin before him.
So I hope that I did as I ought, but I do not trust myself as long as I am in this mortal body, for he is strong who strives daily to turn me away from the faith and true holiness to which I aspire until the end of my life for Christ my Lord, but the hostile flesh is always dragging one down to death, that is, to unlawful attractions. And I know in part why I did not lead a perfect life like other believers, but I confess to my Lord and do not blush in his sight, because I am not lying; from the time when I came to know him in my youth, the love of God and fear of him increased in me, and right up until now, by God's favour, I have kept the faith.What is more, let anyone laugh and taunt if he so wishes. I am not keeping silent, nor am I hiding the signs and wonders that were shown to me by the Lord many years before they happened, who knew everything, even before the beginning of time.
Thus, I should give thanks unceasingly to God, who frequently forgave my folly and my negligence, in more than one instance so as not to be violently angry with me, who am placed as his helper, and I did not easily assent to what had been revealed to me, as the Spirit was urging; and the Lord took pity on me thousands upon thousands of times, because he saw within me that I was prepared, but that I was ignorant of what to do in view of my situation; because many were trying to prevent this mission. They were talking among themselves behind my back, and saying: "Why is this fellow throwing himself into danger among enemies who know not God?" Not from malice, but having no liking for it; likewise, as I myself can testify, they perceived my rusticity. And I was not quick to recognize the grace that was then in me; I now know that I should have done so earlier.Now I have put it frankly to my brethren and co-workers, who have believed me because of what I have foretold and still foretell to strengthen and reinforce your faith. I wish only that you, too, would make greater and better efforts. This will be my pride, for "a wise son makes a proud father [Proverbs 10:1; 15:20]."
You know, as God does, how I went about among you from my youth in the faith of truth and in sincerity of heart. As well as to the heathen among whom I live, I have shown them trust and always show them trust. God knows I did not cheat any one of them, nor consider it, for the sake of God and his Church, lest I arouse them and [cause] persecution for them and for all of us, and lest the Lord's name be blasphemed because of me, for it is written: "Woe to the men through whom the name of the Lord is blasphemed."For even though I am ignorant in all things, nevertheless I attempted to safeguard some and myself also. And I gave back again to my Christian brethren and the virgins of Christ and the holy women the small unasked for gifts that they used to give me or some of their ornaments which they used to throw on the altar. And they would be offended with me because I did this. But in the hope of eternity, I safeguarded myself carefully in all things, so that they might not cheat me of my office of service on any pretext of dishonesty, and so that I should not in the smallest way provide any occasion for defamation or disparagement on the part of unbelievers.What is more, when I baptized so many thousands of people, did I hope for even half a jot from any of them? Tell me, and I will give it back to you. And when the Lord ordained clergy everywhere by my humble means, and I freely conferred office on them, if I asked any of them anywhere even for the price of one shoe, say so to my face and I will give it back.More, I spent for you so that they would receive me. And I went about among you, and everywhere for your sake, in danger, and as far as the outermost regions beyond which no one lived, and where no one had ever penetrated before, to baptize or to ordain clergy or to confirm people. Conscientiously and gladly I did all this work by God's gift for your salvation.
From time to time I gave rewards to the kings, as well as making payments to their sons who travel with me; notwithstanding which, they seized me with my companions, and that day most avidly desired to kill me. But my time had not yet come. They plundered everything they found on us anyway, and fettered me in irons; and on the fourteenth day the Lord freed me from their power, and whatever they had of ours was given back to us for the sake of God on account of the indispensable friends whom we had made before.Also you know from experience how much I was paying to those who were administering justice in all the regions, which I visited often. I estimate truly that I distributed to them not less than the price of fifteen men, in order that you should enjoy my company and I enjoy yours, always, in God. I do not regret this nor do I regard it as enough. I am paying out still and I shall pay out more. The Lord has the power to grant me that I may soon spend my own self, for your souls.Behold, I call on God as my witness upon my soul that I am not lying; nor would I write to you for it to be an occasion for flattery or selfishness, nor hoping for honour from any one of you. Sufficient is the honour which is not yet seen, but in which the heart has confidence. He who made the promise is faithful; he never lies.But I see that even here and now, I have been exalted beyond measure by the Lord, and I was not worthy that he should grant me this, while I know most certainly that poverty and failure suit me better than wealth and delight (but Christ the Lord was poor for our sakes; I certainly am wretched and unfortunate; even if I wanted wealth I have no resources, nor is it my own estimation of myself, for daily I expect to be murdered or betrayed or reduced to slavery if the occasion arises. But I fear nothing, because of the promises of Heaven; for I have cast myself into the hands of Almighty God, who reigns everywhere. As the prophet says: "Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you [Psalm 55:22]."Behold now I commend my soul to God who is most faithful and for whom I perform my mission in obscurity, but he is no respecter of persons and he chose me for this service that I might be one of the least of his ministers.
For which reason I should make return for all that he returns me. But what should I say, or what should I promise to my Lord, for I, alone, can do nothing unless he himself vouchsafe it to me. But let him search my heart and nature, for I crave enough for it, even too much, and I am ready for him to grant me that I drink of his chalice, as he has granted to others who love him.
Therefore may it never befall me to be separated by my God from his people whom he has won in this most remote land. I pray God that he gives me perseverance, and that he will deign that I should be a faithful witness for his sake right up to the time of my passing.
And if at any time I managed anything of good for the sake of my God whom I love, I beg of him that he grant it to me to shed my blood for his name with proselytes and captives, even should I be left unburied, or even were my wretched body to be torn limb from limb by dogs or savage beasts, or were it to be devoured by the birds of the air, I think, most surely, were this to have happened to me, I had saved both my soul and my body. For beyond any doubt on that day we shall rise again in the brightness of the sun, that is, in the glory of Christ Jesus our Redeemer, as children of the living God and co-heirs of Christ, made in his image; for we shall reign through him and for him and in him.
For the sun we see rises each day for us at [his] command, but it will never reign, neither will its splendor last, but all who worship it will come wretchedly to punishment. We, on the other hand, shall not die, who believe in and worship the true sun, Christ, who will never die, no more shall he die who has done Christ's will, but will abide for ever just as Christ abides for ever, who reigns with God the Father Almighty and with the Holy Spirit before the beginning of time and now and for ever and ever. Amen.
Behold over and over again I would briefly set out the words of my confession. I testify in truthfulness and gladness of heart before God and his holy angels that I never had any reason, except the Gospel and his promises, ever to have returned to that nation from which I had previously escaped with difficulty.
But I entreat those who believe in and fear God, whoever deigns to examine or receive this document composed by the obviously unlearned sinner Patrick in Hibernia, that nobody shall ever ascribe to my ignorance any trivial thing that I achieved or may have expounded that was pleasing to God, but accept and truly believe that it would have been the gift of God.
And this is my confession before I die.
St Patrick's letter to Coroticus
Letter To Coroticus
I, Patrick, a sinner, unlearned, resident in Ireland, declare myself to be a bishop. Most assuredly I believe that what I am I have received from God. And so I live among barbarians, a stranger and exile for the love of God. He is witness that this is so. Not that I wished my mouth to utter anything so hard and harsh; but I am forced by the zeal for God; and the truth of Christ has wrung it from me, out of love for my neighbors and sons for whom I gave up my country and parents and my life to the point of death. If I be worthy, I live for my God to teach the heathen, even though some may despise me.
With my own hand I have written and composed these words, to be given, delivered, and sent to the soldiers of Coroticus; I do not say, to my fellow citizens, or to fellow citizens of the holy Romans, but to fellow citizens of the demons, because of their evil works. Like our enemies, they live in death, allies of the Scots and the apostate Picts. Dripping with blood, they welter in the blood of innocent Christians, whom I have begotten into the number for God and confirmed in Christ!
The day after the newly baptized, anointed with chrism, in white garments (had been slain) — the fragrance was still on their foreheads when they were butchered and slaughtered with the sword by the above-mentioned people — I sent a letter with a holy presbyter whom I had taught from his childhood, clerics accompanying him, asking them to let us have some of the booty, and of the baptized they had made captives. They only jeered at them . Hence I do not know what to lament more: those who have been slain, or those whom they have taken captive, or those whom the devil has mightily ensnared. Together with him they will be slaves in Hell in an eternal punishment; for who commits sin is a slave and will be called a son of the devil.
Wherefore let every God-fearing man know that they are enemies of me and of Christ my God, for whom I am an ambassador. Parricide! fratricide! ravening wolves that "eat the people of the Lord as they eat bread!" As is said, "the wicked, O Lord, have destroyed Thy law," which but recently He had excellently and kindly planted in Ireland, and which had established itself by the grace of God.
I make no false claim. I share in the work of those whom He called and predestinated to preach the Gospel amidst grave persecutions unto the end of the earth, even if the enemy shows his jealousy through the tyranny of Coroticus, a man who has no respect for God nor for His priests whom He chose, giving them the highest, divine, and sublime power, that whom "they should bind upon earth should be bound also in Heaven."
Wherefore, then, I plead with you earnestly, ye holy and humble of heart, it is not permissible to court the favor of such people, nor to take food or drink with them, nor even to accept their alms, until they make reparation to God in hardships, through penance, with shedding of tears, and set free the baptized servants of God and handmaids of Christ, for whom He died and was crucified.
"The Most High disapproves the gifts of the wicked ...He that offers sacrifice of the goods of the poor, is as one that sacrifices the son in the presence of his lather. The riches, it is written, which he has gathered unjustly, shall be vomited up from his belly; the angel of death drags him away, by the fury of dragons he shall be tormented, the viper's tongue shall kill him, unquenchable fire devours him." And so — "woe to those who fill themselves with what is not their own;" or, "What does it profit a man that he gains the whole world, and suffers the loss of his own soul?
It would be too tedious to discuss and set forth everything in detail, to gather from the whole Law testimonies against such greed. Avarice is a deadly sin. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's s goods." "Thou shalt not kill." A murderer cannot be with Christ. "Whosoever hates his brother is accounted a murderer." Or, "he that loves not his brother abides in death." How much more guilty is he that has stained his hands with blood of the sons of God whom He has of late purchased in the utmost part of the earth through the call of our littleness!
Did I come to Ireland without God, or according to the flesh? Who compelled me? I am bound by the Spirit not to see any of my kinsfolk. Is it of my own doing that I have holy mercy on the people who once took me captive and made away with the servants and maids of my father's house? I was freeborn according to the flesh. I am the son of a decurion. But I sold my noble rank I am neither ashamed nor sorry for the good of others. Thus I am a servant in Christ to a foreign nation for the unspeakable glory of life everlasting which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
And if my own people do not know me, a prophet has no honor in his own country .Perhaps we are not of the same fold and have not one and the same God as father, as is written: "He that is not with me, is against me, and he that gathers not with me, scatters." It is not right that one destroys, another builds up. I seek not the things that are mine.
It is not my grace, but God who has given this solicitude into my heart, to be one of His hunters or fishers whom God once foretold would come in the last days.
I am hated. What shall I do, Lord? I am most despised. Look, Thy sheep around me are tom to pieces and driven away, and that by those robbers, by the orders of the hostile-minded Coroticus. Far from the love of God is a man who hands over Christians to the Picts and Scots. Ravening wolves have devoured the flock of the Lord, which in Ireland was indeed growing splendidly with the greatest care; and the sons and daughters of kings were monks and virgins of Christ — I cannot count their number. Wherefore, be not pleased with the wrong done to the just; even to hell it shall not please. Who of the saints would not shudder to be merry with such persons or to enjoy a meal with them? They have filled their houses with the spoils of dead Christians, they live on plunder. They do not know, the wretches, that what they offer their friends and sons as food is deadly poison, just as Eve did not understand that it was death she gave to her husband. So are all that do evil: they work death as their eternal punishment.
This is the custom of the Roman Christians of Gaul: they send holy and able men to the Franks and other heathen with so many thousand solidi to ransom baptized captives. You prefer to kill and sell them to a foreign nation that has no knowledge of God. You betray the members of Christ as it were into a brothel. What hope have you in God, or anyone who thinks as you do, or converses with you in words of flattery? God will judge. For Scripture says: "Not only them that do evil are worthy to be condemned, but they also that consent to them."
I do not know why I should say or speak further about the departed ones of the sons of God, whom the sword has touched all too harshly. For Scripture says: "Weep with them that weep;" and again: "If one member be grieved, let all members grieve with it." Hence the Church mourns and laments her sons and daughters whom the sword has not yet slain, but who were removed and carried off to faraway lands, where sin abounds openly, grossly, impudently. There people who were freeborn have, been sold, Christians made slaves, and that, too, in the service of the abominable, wicked, and apostate Picts!
Therefore I shall raise my voice in sadness and grief — O you fair and beloved brethren and sons whom I have begotten in Christ, countless of number, what can I do you for? I am not worthy to come to the help of God or men. The wickedness of the wicked hath prevailed over us. We have been made, as it were, strangers. Perhaps they do not believe that we have received one and the same baptism, or have one and the same God as Father. For them it is a disgrace that we are Irish. Have ye not, as is written, one God? Have ye, every one of you, forsaken his neighbor?
Therefore I grieve for you, I grieve, my dearly beloved. But again, I rejoice within myself. I have not labored for nothing, and my journeying abroad has not been in vain. And if this horrible, unspeakable crime did happen — thanks be to God, you have left the world and have gone to Paradise as baptized faithful. I see you: you have begun to journey where night shall be no more, nor mourning, nor death; but you shall leap like calves loosened from their bonds, and you shall tread down the wicked, and they shall be ashes under your feet.
You then, will reign with the apostles, and prophets, and martyrs. You will take possession of an eternal kingdom, as He Himself testifies, saying: "They shall come from the east and from the west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven." "Without are dogs, and sorcerers,... and murderers; and liars and perjurers have their portion in the pool of everlasting fire." Not without reason does the Apostle say: "Where the just man shall scarcely be saved, where shall the sinner and ungodly transgressor of the law find himself?"
Where, then, will Coroticus with his criminals, rebels against Christ, where will they see themselves, they who distribute baptized women as prizes — for a miserable temporal kingdom, which will pass away in a moment? As a cloud or smoke that is dispersed by the wind, so shall the deceitful wicked perish at the presence of the Lord; but the just shall feast with great constancy with Christ, they shall judge nations, and rule over wicked kings for ever and ever. Amen.
I testify before God and His angels that it will be so as He indicated to my ignorance. It is not my words that I have set forth in Latin, but those of God and the apostles and prophets, who have never lied. "He that believes shall be saved; but he that believes not shall be condemned," God hath spoken.
I ask earnestly that whoever is a willing servant of God be a carrier of this letter, so that on no account it be suppressed or hidden by anyone, but rather be read before all the people, and in the presence of Coroticus himself. May God inspire them sometime to recover their senses for God, repenting, however late, their heinous deeds — murderers of the brethren of the Lord! — and to set free the baptized women whom they took captive, in order that they may deserve to live to God, and be made whole, here and in eternity!
Be peace to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
I, Patrick, a sinner, unlearned, resident in Ireland, declare myself to be a bishop. Most assuredly I believe that what I am I have received from God. And so I live among barbarians, a stranger and exile for the love of God. He is witness that this is so. Not that I wished my mouth to utter anything so hard and harsh; but I am forced by the zeal for God; and the truth of Christ has wrung it from me, out of love for my neighbors and sons for whom I gave up my country and parents and my life to the point of death. If I be worthy, I live for my God to teach the heathen, even though some may despise me.
With my own hand I have written and composed these words, to be given, delivered, and sent to the soldiers of Coroticus; I do not say, to my fellow citizens, or to fellow citizens of the holy Romans, but to fellow citizens of the demons, because of their evil works. Like our enemies, they live in death, allies of the Scots and the apostate Picts. Dripping with blood, they welter in the blood of innocent Christians, whom I have begotten into the number for God and confirmed in Christ!
The day after the newly baptized, anointed with chrism, in white garments (had been slain) — the fragrance was still on their foreheads when they were butchered and slaughtered with the sword by the above-mentioned people — I sent a letter with a holy presbyter whom I had taught from his childhood, clerics accompanying him, asking them to let us have some of the booty, and of the baptized they had made captives. They only jeered at them . Hence I do not know what to lament more: those who have been slain, or those whom they have taken captive, or those whom the devil has mightily ensnared. Together with him they will be slaves in Hell in an eternal punishment; for who commits sin is a slave and will be called a son of the devil.
Wherefore let every God-fearing man know that they are enemies of me and of Christ my God, for whom I am an ambassador. Parricide! fratricide! ravening wolves that "eat the people of the Lord as they eat bread!" As is said, "the wicked, O Lord, have destroyed Thy law," which but recently He had excellently and kindly planted in Ireland, and which had established itself by the grace of God.
I make no false claim. I share in the work of those whom He called and predestinated to preach the Gospel amidst grave persecutions unto the end of the earth, even if the enemy shows his jealousy through the tyranny of Coroticus, a man who has no respect for God nor for His priests whom He chose, giving them the highest, divine, and sublime power, that whom "they should bind upon earth should be bound also in Heaven."
Wherefore, then, I plead with you earnestly, ye holy and humble of heart, it is not permissible to court the favor of such people, nor to take food or drink with them, nor even to accept their alms, until they make reparation to God in hardships, through penance, with shedding of tears, and set free the baptized servants of God and handmaids of Christ, for whom He died and was crucified.
"The Most High disapproves the gifts of the wicked ...He that offers sacrifice of the goods of the poor, is as one that sacrifices the son in the presence of his lather. The riches, it is written, which he has gathered unjustly, shall be vomited up from his belly; the angel of death drags him away, by the fury of dragons he shall be tormented, the viper's tongue shall kill him, unquenchable fire devours him." And so — "woe to those who fill themselves with what is not their own;" or, "What does it profit a man that he gains the whole world, and suffers the loss of his own soul?
It would be too tedious to discuss and set forth everything in detail, to gather from the whole Law testimonies against such greed. Avarice is a deadly sin. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's s goods." "Thou shalt not kill." A murderer cannot be with Christ. "Whosoever hates his brother is accounted a murderer." Or, "he that loves not his brother abides in death." How much more guilty is he that has stained his hands with blood of the sons of God whom He has of late purchased in the utmost part of the earth through the call of our littleness!
Did I come to Ireland without God, or according to the flesh? Who compelled me? I am bound by the Spirit not to see any of my kinsfolk. Is it of my own doing that I have holy mercy on the people who once took me captive and made away with the servants and maids of my father's house? I was freeborn according to the flesh. I am the son of a decurion. But I sold my noble rank I am neither ashamed nor sorry for the good of others. Thus I am a servant in Christ to a foreign nation for the unspeakable glory of life everlasting which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
And if my own people do not know me, a prophet has no honor in his own country .Perhaps we are not of the same fold and have not one and the same God as father, as is written: "He that is not with me, is against me, and he that gathers not with me, scatters." It is not right that one destroys, another builds up. I seek not the things that are mine.
It is not my grace, but God who has given this solicitude into my heart, to be one of His hunters or fishers whom God once foretold would come in the last days.
I am hated. What shall I do, Lord? I am most despised. Look, Thy sheep around me are tom to pieces and driven away, and that by those robbers, by the orders of the hostile-minded Coroticus. Far from the love of God is a man who hands over Christians to the Picts and Scots. Ravening wolves have devoured the flock of the Lord, which in Ireland was indeed growing splendidly with the greatest care; and the sons and daughters of kings were monks and virgins of Christ — I cannot count their number. Wherefore, be not pleased with the wrong done to the just; even to hell it shall not please. Who of the saints would not shudder to be merry with such persons or to enjoy a meal with them? They have filled their houses with the spoils of dead Christians, they live on plunder. They do not know, the wretches, that what they offer their friends and sons as food is deadly poison, just as Eve did not understand that it was death she gave to her husband. So are all that do evil: they work death as their eternal punishment.
This is the custom of the Roman Christians of Gaul: they send holy and able men to the Franks and other heathen with so many thousand solidi to ransom baptized captives. You prefer to kill and sell them to a foreign nation that has no knowledge of God. You betray the members of Christ as it were into a brothel. What hope have you in God, or anyone who thinks as you do, or converses with you in words of flattery? God will judge. For Scripture says: "Not only them that do evil are worthy to be condemned, but they also that consent to them."
I do not know why I should say or speak further about the departed ones of the sons of God, whom the sword has touched all too harshly. For Scripture says: "Weep with them that weep;" and again: "If one member be grieved, let all members grieve with it." Hence the Church mourns and laments her sons and daughters whom the sword has not yet slain, but who were removed and carried off to faraway lands, where sin abounds openly, grossly, impudently. There people who were freeborn have, been sold, Christians made slaves, and that, too, in the service of the abominable, wicked, and apostate Picts!
Therefore I shall raise my voice in sadness and grief — O you fair and beloved brethren and sons whom I have begotten in Christ, countless of number, what can I do you for? I am not worthy to come to the help of God or men. The wickedness of the wicked hath prevailed over us. We have been made, as it were, strangers. Perhaps they do not believe that we have received one and the same baptism, or have one and the same God as Father. For them it is a disgrace that we are Irish. Have ye not, as is written, one God? Have ye, every one of you, forsaken his neighbor?
Therefore I grieve for you, I grieve, my dearly beloved. But again, I rejoice within myself. I have not labored for nothing, and my journeying abroad has not been in vain. And if this horrible, unspeakable crime did happen — thanks be to God, you have left the world and have gone to Paradise as baptized faithful. I see you: you have begun to journey where night shall be no more, nor mourning, nor death; but you shall leap like calves loosened from their bonds, and you shall tread down the wicked, and they shall be ashes under your feet.
You then, will reign with the apostles, and prophets, and martyrs. You will take possession of an eternal kingdom, as He Himself testifies, saying: "They shall come from the east and from the west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven." "Without are dogs, and sorcerers,... and murderers; and liars and perjurers have their portion in the pool of everlasting fire." Not without reason does the Apostle say: "Where the just man shall scarcely be saved, where shall the sinner and ungodly transgressor of the law find himself?"
Where, then, will Coroticus with his criminals, rebels against Christ, where will they see themselves, they who distribute baptized women as prizes — for a miserable temporal kingdom, which will pass away in a moment? As a cloud or smoke that is dispersed by the wind, so shall the deceitful wicked perish at the presence of the Lord; but the just shall feast with great constancy with Christ, they shall judge nations, and rule over wicked kings for ever and ever. Amen.
I testify before God and His angels that it will be so as He indicated to my ignorance. It is not my words that I have set forth in Latin, but those of God and the apostles and prophets, who have never lied. "He that believes shall be saved; but he that believes not shall be condemned," God hath spoken.
I ask earnestly that whoever is a willing servant of God be a carrier of this letter, so that on no account it be suppressed or hidden by anyone, but rather be read before all the people, and in the presence of Coroticus himself. May God inspire them sometime to recover their senses for God, repenting, however late, their heinous deeds — murderers of the brethren of the Lord! — and to set free the baptized women whom they took captive, in order that they may deserve to live to God, and be made whole, here and in eternity!
Be peace to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
To fall asleep...
Falling asleep is sweet and peaceful. The noises around you become muffled and eventually disappear. Al that remains is blissful rest.
One of my darkest thoughts (dreams?) is to just fall asleep and never have to wake up again.
Lord, I am tired.
My heart is broken.
My body is broken.
My mind is broken.
I long for you and your rest. Will you comfort me?
I am broken and do not even know where all the pieces are, will you mend me?
Will you give me the guts to live through this day?
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
One of my darkest thoughts (dreams?) is to just fall asleep and never have to wake up again.
Lord, I am tired.
My heart is broken.
My body is broken.
My mind is broken.
I long for you and your rest. Will you comfort me?
I am broken and do not even know where all the pieces are, will you mend me?
Will you give me the guts to live through this day?
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Broken
Lord, I am broken.
My body is broken.
My Spirit is broken.
Lord, if you do not intervene,
I do not know if I will see the end of the day.
Let your Light shine on me?
Let your Love break through this darkness and comfort me?
In Jesus' Name.
My body is broken.
My Spirit is broken.
Lord, if you do not intervene,
I do not know if I will see the end of the day.
Let your Light shine on me?
Let your Love break through this darkness and comfort me?
In Jesus' Name.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
My people blanket
It is winter in South Africa and it might therefore be easier for me to imagine... the people around me form a patchwork-blanket. In this blanket each person retains his or her individuality and bring more colour and texture to the party.
This blanket is my comfort. It protects me from the cold of the world and my missing marbles.
When someone departs, it leaves a gaping hole and I feel exposed. When, on top of that two of the other pieces are battling with serious disease, my world feels a little shaky.
A dear friend who suffers from bipolar disorder, started ECT this morning. I went from being supportive when I spoke to his wife, to really shaken in just a few minutes. I am sad for them. Closer to home is the fact that I am able to hope that I can manage depression by looking at their journey.
The side effects that moved him to this radical decision are the same ones I experience. It freaks me out. On a more personal note, I battle to understand how a loving God allows a disease like bipolar disorder or depression, knowing what it does to us...people who are really trying to follow Him.
To some extent, it would have been easier to just cast out a devil or rebuke satan than trying to make sense of this relationship with God. Sometimes it does feel like He is failing me. And then... in the bigger scheme of things, one life might not be all that relevant and important.
For now, wipe the tears. Chin up. The show must go on.
This blanket is my comfort. It protects me from the cold of the world and my missing marbles.
When someone departs, it leaves a gaping hole and I feel exposed. When, on top of that two of the other pieces are battling with serious disease, my world feels a little shaky.
A dear friend who suffers from bipolar disorder, started ECT this morning. I went from being supportive when I spoke to his wife, to really shaken in just a few minutes. I am sad for them. Closer to home is the fact that I am able to hope that I can manage depression by looking at their journey.
The side effects that moved him to this radical decision are the same ones I experience. It freaks me out. On a more personal note, I battle to understand how a loving God allows a disease like bipolar disorder or depression, knowing what it does to us...people who are really trying to follow Him.
To some extent, it would have been easier to just cast out a devil or rebuke satan than trying to make sense of this relationship with God. Sometimes it does feel like He is failing me. And then... in the bigger scheme of things, one life might not be all that relevant and important.
For now, wipe the tears. Chin up. The show must go on.
God's people
Whilst studying, I was privileged to attend the same fellowship as the rector of the seminarium. Prof Jan became a mentor and friend. He used to say: "God se mense is mooi mense", which can be loosely translated as "God's people are beautiful". Just that. No further qualifications. I used to think about this a lot in those days, the whole idea of ministry was beautiful and rosy and I was super-idealistic. And then I forgot that.
The second thing Prof Jan told us regularly was that you have to be sure that your hands are clean before touching the spirits of God's people. I have lost sight of this too.
Today, more than ever, I am convinced that God's people are beautiful and I am conscious of the fact that my hands need to be clean before I dare guide, mold or build them.
I also know that I can't believe that God's people are beautiful, if He does not love through me. My hands can only be clean when I am in right standing with Him. Any attempts to clean it myself, will just lead to an even bigger mess. Having said all of this, I am still a broken and scarred claypot and I am still unable to begin to comprehend how God can use this broken vessel.
The second thing Prof Jan told us regularly was that you have to be sure that your hands are clean before touching the spirits of God's people. I have lost sight of this too.
Today, more than ever, I am convinced that God's people are beautiful and I am conscious of the fact that my hands need to be clean before I dare guide, mold or build them.
I also know that I can't believe that God's people are beautiful, if He does not love through me. My hands can only be clean when I am in right standing with Him. Any attempts to clean it myself, will just lead to an even bigger mess. Having said all of this, I am still a broken and scarred claypot and I am still unable to begin to comprehend how God can use this broken vessel.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
God believes in you
In 'God has a dream', Desmond Tutu relays the story of a Russian priest and an atheist. The atheist rambled off a list of reasons for his beliefs and concluded, 'Therefore, I do not believe in God.' The priest's response was simple, but very powerful, 'That is OK, because God believes in you. He relies on you...' Tutu then proceeds to tell how we are God's partners.
I have been thinking about this all day. If I chose my team, I would firstly be sure to pick the cream of the crop -nobody with any defects. I would then make sure that I have at least one flawless back-up plan. Thirdly, I would be involved in strategy, every step of the way.
Yet, God chose us as His partners. He relies on us. God chose me. He relies on me. I am His partner.
Tonight, I am humbled that He chose me, a shard in a broken Claypot... to carry His message... to be His partner... to give something to eat to the hungry... a glass of water to the thirsty... a jacket to someone trying to survive our winter...
God loves us. God loves you. God loves me. And we ARE His plan in this world. Nelson Mandela said we need to be the change we wish to see in this world. Ironically, I think it was God's plan. We need to be the agents of God's change in our world.
How do we do it? I think one relationship at a time. I do not have many answers. The more I read and think, the more questions I have. The one thing I do know is that we are it. There is no back-up plan.
I have been thinking about this all day. If I chose my team, I would firstly be sure to pick the cream of the crop -nobody with any defects. I would then make sure that I have at least one flawless back-up plan. Thirdly, I would be involved in strategy, every step of the way.
Yet, God chose us as His partners. He relies on us. God chose me. He relies on me. I am His partner.
Tonight, I am humbled that He chose me, a shard in a broken Claypot... to carry His message... to be His partner... to give something to eat to the hungry... a glass of water to the thirsty... a jacket to someone trying to survive our winter...
God loves us. God loves you. God loves me. And we ARE His plan in this world. Nelson Mandela said we need to be the change we wish to see in this world. Ironically, I think it was God's plan. We need to be the agents of God's change in our world.
How do we do it? I think one relationship at a time. I do not have many answers. The more I read and think, the more questions I have. The one thing I do know is that we are it. There is no back-up plan.
Monday, June 29, 2009
God has a dream
I am white in a post-Apartheid South Africa. I am often overwhelmed with guilt because of that. Even though Nelson Mandela became our president in the first election I voted in and I never voted for an apartheid-government, I benefited from being white.
We had the best beaches. We had running water and electricity. My parents had better jobs as that were considered 'schooled' because they are white. I went to a university with good lecturers. I went to good (government) schools where we had stationary and books. My birth was registered. My parents' marriage was registered. My whole family have identity documents and passports. I could go anywhere - no restrictions applied.
More than what I had, is the fact that others did not have and still battle to get what we take for granted.
This morning, I started listening to "God has a dream" by Desmond Tutu (written and read by him)... and instead of condemnation I heard this old black man say: "God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..." Suddenly, he did not sound as dangerous as we were told when we were young. Suddenly, he sounded like an old and vulnerable messenger from God. "God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..."
I will probably write more posts about the book and this strange journey we are on. I believe that God has a dream. I believe that God wants His sun to shine over black and white. I want to want to (sic) love God and live His dream in our beautiful country. I look forward to the journey.
"God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..."
We had the best beaches. We had running water and electricity. My parents had better jobs as that were considered 'schooled' because they are white. I went to a university with good lecturers. I went to good (government) schools where we had stationary and books. My birth was registered. My parents' marriage was registered. My whole family have identity documents and passports. I could go anywhere - no restrictions applied.
More than what I had, is the fact that others did not have and still battle to get what we take for granted.
This morning, I started listening to "God has a dream" by Desmond Tutu (written and read by him)... and instead of condemnation I heard this old black man say: "God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..." Suddenly, he did not sound as dangerous as we were told when we were young. Suddenly, he sounded like an old and vulnerable messenger from God. "God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..."
I will probably write more posts about the book and this strange journey we are on. I believe that God has a dream. I believe that God wants His sun to shine over black and white. I want to want to (sic) love God and live His dream in our beautiful country. I look forward to the journey.
"God loves you. God cares for you. God has a dream..."
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
E.T. et al
Remember E.T. and all the other 'space movies' from the 80's? I was always fascinated by the way the space ships touched down... the landing was always followed by a hissing sound when the doors opened. Then light streamed out and walking planks were let down. After a short pause, the aliens would emerge and the magic would begin.
Last week, my friends and I did the Gallup strengthfinder course. Really useful. One of my natural strengths (according to the test) is relating. If I understood the facilitator correctly, it is all about connecting.
One of my biggest frustrations with depression is that I simply stop connecting. In fact, if we can go back to E.T. for a moment, the walking planks pull back and the doors close and I am locked inside. No matter how hard I try, I seem to be unable to open those doors again. I battle to express myself. Every day is difficult, because I have to interact with people and I battle to understand what they are saying, nuanses become impossible to detect and jokes are over my head all the time. When I get home, I am exhausted and really just want to sleep.
I guess what I am saying is that I am still here. I am kind of locked in a spaceship, but I am trying to get out. I did not stop caring. I did not stop thinking. I am just kind of stuck. Yet, I still have hope, because Jesus' story did not stop on Friday.... Sunday must be coming in my life too.
Last week, my friends and I did the Gallup strengthfinder course. Really useful. One of my natural strengths (according to the test) is relating. If I understood the facilitator correctly, it is all about connecting.
One of my biggest frustrations with depression is that I simply stop connecting. In fact, if we can go back to E.T. for a moment, the walking planks pull back and the doors close and I am locked inside. No matter how hard I try, I seem to be unable to open those doors again. I battle to express myself. Every day is difficult, because I have to interact with people and I battle to understand what they are saying, nuanses become impossible to detect and jokes are over my head all the time. When I get home, I am exhausted and really just want to sleep.
I guess what I am saying is that I am still here. I am kind of locked in a spaceship, but I am trying to get out. I did not stop caring. I did not stop thinking. I am just kind of stuck. Yet, I still have hope, because Jesus' story did not stop on Friday.... Sunday must be coming in my life too.
Friday, May 08, 2009
You know better than I
This prayer comes from "Joseph: King of dreams", but it also says exactly where I am today:
I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road,
But that road brought me here.
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up,
The truth is coming clear.
You know better than I ,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I...
If this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason,
But maybe knowing,
I don't know is part of getting through.
I tried to do what's best,
But faith has made it easy,
To see the best thing I can do,
Is to put my trust in You.
For, You know better than I,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I....
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let You reach me
Will You teach me?
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I ...
I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road,
But that road brought me here.
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up,
The truth is coming clear.
You know better than I ,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I...
If this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason,
But maybe knowing,
I don't know is part of getting through.
I tried to do what's best,
But faith has made it easy,
To see the best thing I can do,
Is to put my trust in You.
For, You know better than I,
You know the way,
I've let go the need to know why,
For You know better than I....
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let You reach me
Will You teach me?
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I ...
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Wednesday
I am at wits' end.
I feel like something is choking me and even swallowing is hard. I do not understand God's thinking when it comes to healing and wellbeing. I do not understand how darkness can come and fill up my entire being.
Today my heart wants to break, because I am constantly two steps behind. I am tired and no amount of sleep seems to make a difference. I am taking my medicine, despite side effects. I am exercising. I am eating healthy stuff. I eliminated caffeine and alcohol two years ago... and yet, I am weepy for no rational reason.
I do not understand why God cannot take the darkness away. I want to love Him. I want to love people. I want to love my cat and my job. I want to be able to enjoy a good book again, yet I battle to follow simple instructions on an email. All I am feeling is coldness, darkness and loneliness. And then the really dark thought comes... what if I could just go to sleep and stay in that blissful state?
I feel like something is choking me and even swallowing is hard. I do not understand God's thinking when it comes to healing and wellbeing. I do not understand how darkness can come and fill up my entire being.
Today my heart wants to break, because I am constantly two steps behind. I am tired and no amount of sleep seems to make a difference. I am taking my medicine, despite side effects. I am exercising. I am eating healthy stuff. I eliminated caffeine and alcohol two years ago... and yet, I am weepy for no rational reason.
I do not understand why God cannot take the darkness away. I want to love Him. I want to love people. I want to love my cat and my job. I want to be able to enjoy a good book again, yet I battle to follow simple instructions on an email. All I am feeling is coldness, darkness and loneliness. And then the really dark thought comes... what if I could just go to sleep and stay in that blissful state?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Darkness
Lord,
There is a cold and dark monster creeping through my veins.
No number of verses 'quoted back to the devil',
no number of tears,
no trying to 'sleep it off',
no amount of calories shed in gym
seem to get rid of it.
I am cold and dark.
It is alone in here.
Please protect me?
Be my Keeper.
In Jesus' Name.
There is a cold and dark monster creeping through my veins.
No number of verses 'quoted back to the devil',
no number of tears,
no trying to 'sleep it off',
no amount of calories shed in gym
seem to get rid of it.
I am cold and dark.
It is alone in here.
Please protect me?
Be my Keeper.
In Jesus' Name.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
When I was a child
Last night I had to stop for milk on my way home. In the line (at the check out), there was a young dad trying to control his child. The child wanted a sweet and the dad did not want to buy it last night. The toddler was shouting and crying and then accused the dad of lying. Once I moved beyond my own fatigue after a long day and irritation with everything around me, I thought that conversation was a little interesting. Apparently the dad promised to buy a sweet last week and did so. Trying to reason with a toddler who was probably tired and hungry, seemed to be an impossible task.
Driving home, I thought about how often I do just the same in my relationship with God. I have quoted Him out of context, even in talking to Him. I have cried and begged. I have not listened or tried to understand reason.
One issue I am particularly hung up on, is healing. I cannot understand why some people get healed and others not. On Sunday, we talked about this in our community. I wish there was a formula we could follow to get a 'yes' from God.
On the other hand, I wish I could get to the place Paul was when he wrote to the Corinthians, saying 'when I was a child, I reasoned like a child'. Nobody I know wants to be branded as a 'naughty child'. Yet, I do not understand.
Today, I am right back at that all too familiar place, where I do not know the answers.
Driving home, I thought about how often I do just the same in my relationship with God. I have quoted Him out of context, even in talking to Him. I have cried and begged. I have not listened or tried to understand reason.
One issue I am particularly hung up on, is healing. I cannot understand why some people get healed and others not. On Sunday, we talked about this in our community. I wish there was a formula we could follow to get a 'yes' from God.
On the other hand, I wish I could get to the place Paul was when he wrote to the Corinthians, saying 'when I was a child, I reasoned like a child'. Nobody I know wants to be branded as a 'naughty child'. Yet, I do not understand.
Today, I am right back at that all too familiar place, where I do not know the answers.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Work it out
Last Sunday a ‘distant colleague’ died in her sleep. Carolyn worked in a different department, but we shared the occasional lunch. In fact, we had lunch on Friday. She was 33, like me and her death came as a tremendous shock to me.
At the same time, it brought so many other issues to the surface. I come from a background where people would now be asking: “Where did she wake up?” They would probably turn this into an opportunity to evangelize the entire building. I am all for sharing the Good News. I am all for making a stand for Jesus. I love the idea that my job can be a tool in doing just this.
See, I think my job is a way to acknowledge that God is Number One and to make Him known as Number One. If God did not pave my way, I would not be in the position I am at the moment. Therefore the income generated by doing my job, also belongs to Him.
As Christians, a lot of eyes are watching our every move very closely and maybe even waiting for us to put a foot wrong. I am not suggesting that we are somehow immune or above making mistakes, but there are obvious guidelines.
A few of them could be:
Our jobs bring us in contact with people who might not have contact with the Body in any other way. We are missionaries in Johannesburg. A lot of cliché’s come to mind… we might be the only Bible they read? Let’s say that is true… what do they read in my life? And yours?
The challenge is to keep God Number One, all the time. How do we do that? Maybe talking to God about our jobs is a good start? Maybe talking to God about each others’ jobs could follow on that?
I have a lot of questions and not many answers. If Carolyn could come back one more week, I would probably not change much in our relationship. Maybe I would spend more time praying for my colleagues? Maybe I will do just that.
We had a few frauds recently. Instead of joining in the gossip and crucifying the offenders, I could pray for my colleagues.
May God help us to make Him Number One in our day to day living. May God be with us when we work. May He inspire us and give us fresh ideas. May He use us to touch the people around us. May He work in us, so we will bear fruit.
I would love to know what your thoughts are on this matter?
At the same time, it brought so many other issues to the surface. I come from a background where people would now be asking: “Where did she wake up?” They would probably turn this into an opportunity to evangelize the entire building. I am all for sharing the Good News. I am all for making a stand for Jesus. I love the idea that my job can be a tool in doing just this.
See, I think my job is a way to acknowledge that God is Number One and to make Him known as Number One. If God did not pave my way, I would not be in the position I am at the moment. Therefore the income generated by doing my job, also belongs to Him.
As Christians, a lot of eyes are watching our every move very closely and maybe even waiting for us to put a foot wrong. I am not suggesting that we are somehow immune or above making mistakes, but there are obvious guidelines.
A few of them could be:
- How do I go around with company property? Do I abuse phones? Internet? Stationary?
- Do I really give the company all the time I sell to them or do I waste time when I am supposed to work?
- Is my work of the highest quality at all times?
- How much time do I spend at work or working? Am I neglecting my family in favor of my job? If God is Number One, can I really work more than 60 hours a week? Is that fair to my family?
- Just what is the message I give to my colleagues and employer in doing that? Am I for sale? Will I be the donkey doing ‘whatever it takes’? Or… dare I take a stand in favour of God and relationships?
- How do I treat my superiors? Paul suggested we work as if for God Himself. Might not be a bad idea...
- How do I treat my peers? Do I love them like I love myself? Or am I involved in unnecessary office politics?
- How do I treat junior staff? The security guard? The cleaner? The graduate trainee? Do I consider them higher than myself and do I serve them or do I sit back and merely make
demands?
Our jobs bring us in contact with people who might not have contact with the Body in any other way. We are missionaries in Johannesburg. A lot of cliché’s come to mind… we might be the only Bible they read? Let’s say that is true… what do they read in my life? And yours?
The challenge is to keep God Number One, all the time. How do we do that? Maybe talking to God about our jobs is a good start? Maybe talking to God about each others’ jobs could follow on that?
I have a lot of questions and not many answers. If Carolyn could come back one more week, I would probably not change much in our relationship. Maybe I would spend more time praying for my colleagues? Maybe I will do just that.
We had a few frauds recently. Instead of joining in the gossip and crucifying the offenders, I could pray for my colleagues.
May God help us to make Him Number One in our day to day living. May God be with us when we work. May He inspire us and give us fresh ideas. May He use us to touch the people around us. May He work in us, so we will bear fruit.
I would love to know what your thoughts are on this matter?
Monday, February 16, 2009
When the lights are dimming
Lord, my heart is weak, alone & afraid. It feels like the darkness is settling in again and it is difficult to see any solutions. My feet are heavy and my eyes full of tears. I am scared of what the day might hold.
Please help me, just today, to cope with life and its demands?
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
Please help me, just today, to cope with life and its demands?
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
Monday, January 19, 2009
Preaching
Yesterday I preached for the first time in years (apart from weddings and funerals) and I really enjoyed it. I forgot how much I enjoy working with the text and trying to figure out the concepts behind it.
I suppose it is a little like riding a bike and it will all come back to me eventually.
I thank God for my community and my friends. It is a privilege to be a part of a broken pot.
You can view my notes on Scribd.
I suppose it is a little like riding a bike and it will all come back to me eventually.
I thank God for my community and my friends. It is a privilege to be a part of a broken pot.
You can view my notes on Scribd.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Die Woord
I am prepping a sermon on John an am (obviously) reading a bunch of commentaries. I have just read something beautiful in a commentary by an Afrikaans theologian called Jan du Rand.
He describes the Word becoming flesh as "Die Woord het sy bene onder ons tafel ingeskuif ". It is probably best translated as "The Word joined us at the dinner table".
He describes the Word becoming flesh as "Die Woord het sy bene onder ons tafel ingeskuif ". It is probably best translated as "The Word joined us at the dinner table".
Friday, January 02, 2009
The Benefits of Brokenness - Why I sometimes wish I was an alcoholic (Philip Yancey)
Listening to the rhetoric this election season, one might assume that a new batch of politicians in Washington will solve the problems facing this country, not to mention the planet. Elect candidate X, and he or she will tackle global warming, solve the health-care crisis, eliminate poverty, right the economy, and unite a divided country.
For two problems, however, no politician dares offer a solution: death and evil. Endemic to the human condition, these two will haunt us all our days. Yet these are the very problems the gospel promises to solve—not through politics or science, but through a reclamation project begun at Golgotha.
Biblical scholars point to Romans 3 as the most compact expression of that Good News. Before revealing the cure to those two problems, Paul must detail the helplessness of humanity to find a solution apart from outside help. Like a physician, he has to impress on the patient the dire nature of the illness before presenting a cure.
I am struck by Paul's three categories of sinners in Romans 1 and 2. He begins by listing flagrant violators: depraved perverts, murderers, God-haters (though, curiously, he also mentions such "everyday" sins as greed, envy, gossip, and disobeying parents).
Just as his good-citizen readers nod knowingly, smug in their moral superiority to such miscreants, Paul turns the tables in chapter 2: "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things."
I may never have robbed a bank, but have I ever fudged on my income taxes? Or had rehab work done on my house without applying for a building permit? Or ignored a pressing need because of compassion fatigue? Paul follows Jesus' logic in the Sermon on the Mount: murder and adultery differ from hatred and lust only by a matter of degree. Indeed, the flagrantly evil person has a peculiar advantage of sorts: an inner gyroscope of conscience that registers a sense of being off course.
I once accepted a speaking engagement among Christians involved in Twelve Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. As I talked with the attendees and pondered what to say, I finally decided on the ironic title, "Why I Wish I Was an Alcoholic." It occurred to me that what recovering alcoholics confess every day—personal failure, and the daily need for grace and help from friends and a Higher Power—represent high hurdles for those of us who take pride in our independence and self-sufficiency.
Paul reserves his most scathing comments for a third category, self-righteous people, who in his day comprised the Jews who scrupulously observed the law. A Pharisee of the Pharisees, Paul knew the pattern well, as his pronouns attest. He refers to the wicked as "they" and the good-citizen types as "you." But when he discusses the self-righteous, Paul shifts to first person plural. "What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all!"
In his most self-righteous days, after all, Paul had persecuted Christians and assisted in the stoning of Stephen. He knew the danger that accompanies a feeling of moral superiority. Just as denial may keep a person from seeing a doctor about a lump or skin lesion, thus endangering life, denial of sin may lead to far worse consequences. Unless we accept the grim diagnosis, we will not seek a cure.
Paul's confessional description of self-righteousness reminded me of a quirky attempt by M. Scott Peck to identify a new psychiatric disorder called evil. In his book People of the Lie, Peck surveyed the types of evil and concluded, with Paul, that the most dangerous type is the most subtle. We all condemn bullies and child abusers—but what of controlling, manipulative parents who may have an equally devastating effect on their children? Peck came up with these surprising characteristics of evil: scapegoating behavior, intolerance to criticism, pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, and intellectual deviousness.
Paul concludes, "There is no one righteous, not even one." In perhaps the darkest passage in the entire Bible, he stitches together an anatomical description of deceitful tongues, morbid throats, poisonous lips, bitter mouths, violent feet, and arrogant eyes (3:10–18). All of which sets up the magnificent presentation of the gospel beginning with Romans 3:21, the explanation of justification by faith alone that ignited the Reformation.
God's grace, the only solution to death and evil, comes free of charge, apart from law, apart from any human efforts toward self-improvement. For a free gift, we need only hold out open, needy hands—the most difficult gesture of all for a self-righteously evil person.
For two problems, however, no politician dares offer a solution: death and evil. Endemic to the human condition, these two will haunt us all our days. Yet these are the very problems the gospel promises to solve—not through politics or science, but through a reclamation project begun at Golgotha.
Biblical scholars point to Romans 3 as the most compact expression of that Good News. Before revealing the cure to those two problems, Paul must detail the helplessness of humanity to find a solution apart from outside help. Like a physician, he has to impress on the patient the dire nature of the illness before presenting a cure.
I am struck by Paul's three categories of sinners in Romans 1 and 2. He begins by listing flagrant violators: depraved perverts, murderers, God-haters (though, curiously, he also mentions such "everyday" sins as greed, envy, gossip, and disobeying parents).
Just as his good-citizen readers nod knowingly, smug in their moral superiority to such miscreants, Paul turns the tables in chapter 2: "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things."
I may never have robbed a bank, but have I ever fudged on my income taxes? Or had rehab work done on my house without applying for a building permit? Or ignored a pressing need because of compassion fatigue? Paul follows Jesus' logic in the Sermon on the Mount: murder and adultery differ from hatred and lust only by a matter of degree. Indeed, the flagrantly evil person has a peculiar advantage of sorts: an inner gyroscope of conscience that registers a sense of being off course.
I once accepted a speaking engagement among Christians involved in Twelve Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. As I talked with the attendees and pondered what to say, I finally decided on the ironic title, "Why I Wish I Was an Alcoholic." It occurred to me that what recovering alcoholics confess every day—personal failure, and the daily need for grace and help from friends and a Higher Power—represent high hurdles for those of us who take pride in our independence and self-sufficiency.
Paul reserves his most scathing comments for a third category, self-righteous people, who in his day comprised the Jews who scrupulously observed the law. A Pharisee of the Pharisees, Paul knew the pattern well, as his pronouns attest. He refers to the wicked as "they" and the good-citizen types as "you." But when he discusses the self-righteous, Paul shifts to first person plural. "What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all!"
In his most self-righteous days, after all, Paul had persecuted Christians and assisted in the stoning of Stephen. He knew the danger that accompanies a feeling of moral superiority. Just as denial may keep a person from seeing a doctor about a lump or skin lesion, thus endangering life, denial of sin may lead to far worse consequences. Unless we accept the grim diagnosis, we will not seek a cure.
Paul's confessional description of self-righteousness reminded me of a quirky attempt by M. Scott Peck to identify a new psychiatric disorder called evil. In his book People of the Lie, Peck surveyed the types of evil and concluded, with Paul, that the most dangerous type is the most subtle. We all condemn bullies and child abusers—but what of controlling, manipulative parents who may have an equally devastating effect on their children? Peck came up with these surprising characteristics of evil: scapegoating behavior, intolerance to criticism, pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, and intellectual deviousness.
Paul concludes, "There is no one righteous, not even one." In perhaps the darkest passage in the entire Bible, he stitches together an anatomical description of deceitful tongues, morbid throats, poisonous lips, bitter mouths, violent feet, and arrogant eyes (3:10–18). All of which sets up the magnificent presentation of the gospel beginning with Romans 3:21, the explanation of justification by faith alone that ignited the Reformation.
God's grace, the only solution to death and evil, comes free of charge, apart from law, apart from any human efforts toward self-improvement. For a free gift, we need only hold out open, needy hands—the most difficult gesture of all for a self-righteously evil person.
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