Letting go

My parents are getting divorced. They have been married for 33 and a half years. At this stage, I don't feel much about it. I just want it over.

With the divorce came a whole lot of other issues. My sister lived in their house until today. Today she is moving to Durban. In my mind, she always was my little sister and I had to protect her from a lot of things.

Today I need to take a step back. I cannot protect her. She got hurt in this divorce - yesterday she gave me her Bible and said she gave up on serving God, because praying did not help her much. She does not read this blog and does not know how close I came to giving up myself.

I am nervous about this move, I think this is how a parent bird must feel when that little bird takes its first leap from the nest. The difference is this - I am nowhere near Durban. On the other hand I do have technology to help me cross the distance.

Today I have to trust God to take care of Ester. To keep her and protect her and to heal her. Because I can't.

Thursday afternoon

It is Thursday afternoon and I just put the phone down after speaking to a friend. Every time I do this, I ask myself the same kind of questions.

I am not convinced that a Christian can exist outside community, but being part of community means opening oneself up and implies vulnerability. Experience taught me that it hurts. I really do think it is better if I am not exposed anymore than I really have to be, but then... I am back to square 1.

Yesterday I took my mom to her (divorce) lawyer. When I got back a Christian friend asked me how it went and when I was not too positive about the meeting, her response was, 'Can't be! I prayed.' Before I could stop myself I said that I have been praying for months to no avail.

I don't understand God or His ways. I don't understand why He asks what I believe He does. I read all Philip Yancey's books (which I thoroughly enjoyed at the time) and I still don't know where God is when it hurts or why it is so difficult for me to connect with an invisible God.

Sometimes I think I should not blog anymore or speak to other Christians, because I don't sound like a Christian anymore.

I still believe that there is a God, I believe Jesus died and rose again. I just battle to find Him through all the noises of my life. And then the phone rings and a friend reminds me that there is still a catholic church and that Christians probably should not try to find God alone. And I am back to square 1 yet again.

The meaning of success

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty,

to find the best in others;

to leave the world a little better;

whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is the meaning of success." -

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I give up

This morning there is no fight left in me. I give up. I feel ancient. I feel like I have seen it all, done more than my part and just cannot carry on.

I don't know where God is and if He cares at all. Why didn't He make me different? So somebody could love me and take care of me? Or tougher, so I could cope?

I don't know which emotions are real, I don't know which facts are true and which are just illusions.Tricks played by my own mind? Drug induced?

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to face another day. I just can't do this any more.

Hearts

"If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care."

- Marvin J. Ashton (1915-1994)

Obedience

I own a cat (who thinks he owns me). His name is Thomas O'Malley. For some unknown reason, Thomas likes to bring me little gifts which he always leaves in the same spot in front of my bed. These vary from rats to snakes and then pieces of paper I suspect was blowing in the wind.

I wish Thomas would understand that I love him and I really do not want him to catch all these things and bring it home. I juct want him to be a cat. I want him to be home when I get there. I want him to snuggle. I want him to be happy. I do not want him to roam and hunt.

Last night Thomas took a long long looooong walk and only returned home at 2:00 this morning. I didn't sleep much. I got up several times to look for him. I did not want him outside, in the cold and dark night.

I suspect we might be a bit like Thomas. God wants us to be His children and to be obedient. However, instead of obedience, I try to bring sacrifices. Truth be told, these sacrifices don't always look like I envisioned it.

I want to hear God's voice. I pray that God will help me to do what He wants, when He wants. I also pray that God will help me to experience His love for me.

To forgive or not to forgive

When a friend hurts you, it really hurts. I think even more so because it is unexpected - it feels like the person who was supposed to have your back covered, stabbed you in the back. It makes you want to build 8 feet high walls around your heart and life, never trusting again and most defintely never being vulnerable again. You feel betrayed, sold out, like damaged goods, not good enough. Madame Dorothée Deluzy (a French actress from the 18th Century) said: "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend." I can understand it. A friend knew you. A friend should be trusted. You should be safe.

I can quote lots of people, like Oscar Wilde (fellow Irishman ;-)) who said: "Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much." Or Gandhi, or Alexander Pope, but we always have to get back to what Jesus said.

The bottomline is Jesus taught us to pray, "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us". You have to forgive. I have to forgive.

What is forgiveness? I think it starts by saying "I am sorry" (and mean it). I think it is trusting God to bring healing to your emotions and that of the other party. I think it is not drawing sharp breaths on receipt of emails, wondering what the agenda is this time. I think it is letting go. I think it is a process.

What do you think?

St Patrick's breastplate

Christ be with me,

Christ within me,

Christ behind me,

Christ before me,C

hrist beside me,

Christ to win me,

Christ to comfort and restore me.

Christ beneath me,

Christ above me,

Christ in quiet,

Christ in danger,

Christ in hearts of all that love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself today the strong name of the Trinity.

-St Patrick-

When you are down

This morning I had a battle to get out of bed and have a bath. It was just really difficult. I am not sure how simple tasks can become SO difficult.

I don't like violent movies, but I have seen the occasional boxing match scene. I have always assumed that when a boxer falls down and the ref starts counting, that boxer just physically can not get up. This morning I considered the alternative - maybe he just does not want to. Maybe he had enough and doesn't want his opponent to hit him yet again?

The next step in my strange logic is that I could then just stay in bed and not speak to anyone. In doing so nothing and nobody could hit me. Less exposure, less pain. If you don't share your life, nobody can reject you, bypass you, ignore your existence or hurt you.

But then, what if life is more of a street fight and the fact that you are down does not stop anybody or anything from beating you up further?

Somehow, I must find the faith and energy to make it through today. Just today. I am not sure I can do this, but I am going to give it my best shot. Get up, just one more time.