Thursday afternoon

It is Thursday afternoon and I just put the phone down after speaking to a friend. Every time I do this, I ask myself the same kind of questions.

I am not convinced that a Christian can exist outside community, but being part of community means opening oneself up and implies vulnerability. Experience taught me that it hurts. I really do think it is better if I am not exposed anymore than I really have to be, but then... I am back to square 1.

Yesterday I took my mom to her (divorce) lawyer. When I got back a Christian friend asked me how it went and when I was not too positive about the meeting, her response was, 'Can't be! I prayed.' Before I could stop myself I said that I have been praying for months to no avail.

I don't understand God or His ways. I don't understand why He asks what I believe He does. I read all Philip Yancey's books (which I thoroughly enjoyed at the time) and I still don't know where God is when it hurts or why it is so difficult for me to connect with an invisible God.

Sometimes I think I should not blog anymore or speak to other Christians, because I don't sound like a Christian anymore.

I still believe that there is a God, I believe Jesus died and rose again. I just battle to find Him through all the noises of my life. And then the phone rings and a friend reminds me that there is still a catholic church and that Christians probably should not try to find God alone. And I am back to square 1 yet again.