I want to want to

Theresa of Avila said: "Oh God, I don't love you, I don't even want to love you, but I want to want to love you..." This morning I understand a little of that.

I read the post on our community's site this morning (you can read it in my shared items) and I agree with everything Tom said. Yet, my plans and great ideas of a year ago are still haunting me. Jesus said his yoke is light and I love Nouwen's analogy of a child clearing a pen, but it feels difficult.

I am scared of failing again. I am scared of falling again. I am scared of isolation. I am scared to be with people. I am scared of life and looking it in the eye even once more.

I want to want to love God. I want to want to make Him Number One. I want to want to love my neighbour. I want to want to love myself.

May God have mercy on me and my neighbours today.

Friday

Lord, I am tired and confused
and I don't know why I can't hear you.
I am just too tired to keep trying now.
It feels like I am calling and searching in vain.
It feels like you are hiding from me.
I feel set up to fail in this life.
Please speak to me - open my eyes so I can see you...

Anxious heart

Lord, on a day like today my heart is anxious

and the waves seem HUGE

and I am sinking.

Today I am scared of my job and the markets are volatile,

I am scared of Africa and government's decisions,

I am scared of loadshedding and shortages in our country.

Yet, somewhere deep down, I know that you lead your people through a desert;

there were worse times in the market;

there was life before Eskom and electricity;

our future is not in the hands of the government - it is in your hands.

So Lord, please calm the storms in my heart.

Help me to see your hand?

Please give me courage and wisdom for today?

Please guide me and my friends through this rough patch?

Lord, without you all our efforts are in vain.

Without you life is simply not worth the effort.

Please extend your comfort and your love in this confusing day?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

The Lord is my Shepherd

Lord, if you are my Shepherd,

you are here with me.

A shepherd cannot watch over his flock with a webcam

nor follow them with a GPS connection.

If I think about the picture of a shepherd,

like David must have been -

the shepherd stayed out with the sheep,

lead them to water,

fended for them when wild animals came prowling

(endangering himself),

found food for them in barren landsacapes...

You told the story of the shepherd who left 99 sheep

to go looking for the missing one -

you said you will not break a bruised reed,

and you will not snuff outa smouldering wick.

When your friend, Lazarus, died - you wept.

Lord, I know you are sovereign.

You are God.

I cannot manipulate you.

But Lord, please have mercy on me?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

I want to know you more

Lord, I want to know you more.

I want to see you, hear you - experience you

in every possible way and area of my life.

Today - whilst I feel lost and alone,

please be -

Christ beside me

Christ before me

Christ behind me

Christ before me

Christ beneath me

Christ above me...

Christ in heart of all who meet me.

Please surround me with your love and compassion!

Please help me to face today?

Please strengthen my feeble heart and weak knees?

Please help me to know you and to love you?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

Expectations

I love my friend Tom's post on expectations! You can read it under my shared items.

It reminded me of what an old friend of mine always says, "If you expect more than the other person can or is prepared to give, you will be disappointed and there will be disarray". This is a theory I have often tested and every time she was proved right.

God is God. One of our lecturers used to say that God will never be bound by His Word, He always supercedes it. He will never be a puppet.

May God be God in my life.

I quit

Lord, I could never understand how winners never quit,

but you're supposed to quit while you're ahead.

This morning, I am not ahead. I am not a winner. I am the weakest link.

I am broken in my spirit and in my body and I am unfit to sign up to run the race this year.

I cannot sign up for a race I am pretty sure I can't complete.

Lord, I carry more burdens than a year ago, I still have injuries. I cannot do this.

Last night, I was listening to my friends talking about you

and what they believe you would like us to do this year.

I didn't have the guts to tell them it takes EVERYTHING I have

just to get up in the morning and face another day.

I didn't have the guts to tell them how often I thought of just ending it all.

I couldn't tell them that I don't have the guts to pray,

because just the opposite of what I ask seem to happen ALL the time.

Lord, I am the foreigner in Jerusalem

who do not have a clue of what is happening in their lives

and it is probably my own fault.

I alienated them when I closed up my life, trying to survive.

So Lord, today I quit. I can't do this anymore.

When I listen to them and how they pray for others,

I am reminded of what I am not and I can not.

I can not be a burden to a team, so I quit.

Yet, I have to ask you one more thing - please help me to live today,

to look life in the eye - just today, please Lord?

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Tuesday morning

Lord - You and I - we have a history.
You have always given bread for the coming day;
and though I face financial constraints, today I believe.
You have always given strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak and anxious in the wake of this new day, today I believe.
You have always given peace for the coming day;
You have always kept me safe in trials
even when I thought I would be overcome at any moment;
and now, tried as I am, today I believe.
You have always marked the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden and I am desperate to hear what you think about my
scheduled meetings and interviews , today I believe.
You have always lightened this darkness of mine; and though the night is here
and I can simply not see a way out or around it, today I believe.
You have always spoken when time was ripe; and though you be silent now and the world might think I am a looney wanting to hear voices, today I believe.
Lord, there is nothing I desire more than your presence, your smile, your love.
Today, even if I do not see or hear or feel you,
I believe because we have a history.

Amen

To medicate or not to medicate

This week the cocktail changed and I am really sick. Sometimes I wonder if the expense and all the discomfort of side effects is worth it.

On a good day, I am not suicidal and I cope with my world. My concentration is still not what it is supposed to be, I can't read a book - I keep paging back because I can't remember what happened. I forget stupid things, like which gym locker I used.

The only solution seems to be the medicine that cause nausea, headaches, dry mouth, hypertension, weight gain, night sweat and a ridiculous amount of other things. I always come back to the question of God and healing.

Why does He choose to heal some people and let others suffer? Why did He make people with 'latent defects'? I believe God is almighty. I believe God is good. However, all of this become just theory when all the side effects kick in and I feel like I am looking for God in vain. I search for Him, I hunger and thirst and I can't find Him.

Somebody spoke about the Song of songs the other day and said the lover did not really withdraw. She could just not see, hear, feel or smell him. She likened our experience of God being 'missing' to this. In my life, this just causes more questions. Why would a loving God withdraw in times when it is hard to get up in the morning and face a day?

So... to medicate or not to medicate? Skip all the side effects, but at what cost? Medicate ... at what (physical, financial and emotional) cost? Keep searching for God or fill the void left by His perceived absence with other things?

I need God. I need to know He loves me. I will probably never have answers to all hte other questions and at best I can hope to survive. I am disillusioned and sometimes even bitter. Yet, I always remain desperate for God. That is the constant, whether I medicate or not.

The prayer of a Trappist monk - Thomas Merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am folllowing your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen

A Celtic morning prayer

Have mercy on us O God, Father almighty,
immeasurable God,
patient God,
incorruptible God,
immortal God,
eternal God,
perfect God,
merciful God,
wonderful God,
heavenly Father, who abides in heaven,
Have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us O God, Father almighty,
God of earth,
God of fire,
God of the waters of wonder,
God of the gusting and blustering air,
God of the many languages found
throughout the world,
heavenly Father, you who abide in heaven,
Have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us, O God the Almighty,
Jesus Christ Son of the living God,
O true Knowledge.
O true Light of love, who enlightens all darkness,
O guiding Light,
O Sun of truth,
O Morning Star,
O Brightness of the divinity,
O Radiance of eternal brightness,
– O Christ crucified.
O eternal judge, have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us, O God the Almighty,
Jesus Christ Son of the living God.
O Angel of great counsel,
O true Prophet,
O true Apostle,
O true Teacher,
O High Priest,
O Nazarene,
O Christ crucified,
O eternal judge, have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us Almighty God,
O Holy Spirit,
O Teacher of true wisdom,
O Spirit of understanding,
O Spirit of Counsel,
O Spirit of strength,
O Spirit of knowledge,
O Spirit of tenderness,
– O Holy Spirit, who rules all creation, visible and invisible,
Have mercy on me.

Have mercy on us Almighty God,
O Holy Spirit,
O Spirit of love,
O Spirit of grace,
O Spirit, from whom all good comes,
O Spirit, who annuls all guilt,
O Spirit, who wipes out sin.

Have mercy!

Amen