I am supposed to keep a mood diary. I record my mood, events / triggers that moves it up and down, how much I sleep (or not sleep), my blood pressure, hy heart rate... actually pretty much my whole life.
The past two weeks was yet another rollercoaster ride.
In all the madness of the ups and downs, my mood dropped below the line. The line is normal. I was a step or two above the line for a while. I had lots of energy. I was busy with a few things at any given time. Now... things are a little slower and concentration a little more difficult. I do one thing at a time.
In times like this, I question God yet again. This disease and managing it is consuming my life. I am tired of this lifestyle. I would love to have some pizza and a glass of wine with friends, but I know how many rules that would break and what it would do to my mind and body. In times like this I am reminded of what I miss. In times like this, I am aware of lost potential and I do not understand it.
In the meantime, the rollercoaster waits for nobody. Buckle up and hang on for dear life, I suppose.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Walking disaster
I feel like a walking disaster. Over the past few weeks, it started feeling like everything is going wrong.
To mention a few things: I have spent numerous hours on assignments for my GIBS course. These need to be handed in by Friday, 16 April 2010. On Sunday the hard drive where all my work was saved, just gave in. I sent it in in the hope that the data could be salvaged. No such luck. As far as my assignments are concerned, I am back to square 1.
When something like that happen, I sometimes find it in myself to breathe deeply, pull back my shoulders and take another stab. On the other hand, if too many things like that happen, I tend to want to hide under my desk.
Yesterday a South African phone company managed to break the fibre optic cable on which our entire office network (phones included) work. By this morning nobody knew when the service might be restored, so I sent the Treasury team to the Disaster Recovery sites, so we can at least try to manage the most inmportant transactions, when I had a call from the body corporate.
According to them, one of my water pipes had burst, I am flooding my downstairs' neighbour's unit and I am liable for all costs. They suggested that I go home and assist. I left my work disaster, drove an hour and a half through traffic, only to find a young, unshaven, gum chewing kid reclining against my wall with his dirty sneakers.
He has decided that I either left my bath water running, or the pipes at the bath are leaking. On investigation, he found everything dry. He then decided he was going to take out my bathroom floor to which I objected.
I have asked for a second opinion and in the meantime, we cut off the water supply to my unit.I am tired and weepy. I cannot remember when last I was this desperate for God's intervention. I feel bad talking to my fiends about all of this, as it feels like I always complain.
On the other hand, if God does not step in, I do not know anymore. I am too tired to breathe deep, pull back my shoulders and lift my chin. I am too tired to pretend and frankly, I see no reason to.
Tomorrow I turn 35. My birthday wish? Only one - to see God manifest Himself in this chaos. For Him to help me to put a stake in the ground and to move forward, little by little.
To mention a few things: I have spent numerous hours on assignments for my GIBS course. These need to be handed in by Friday, 16 April 2010. On Sunday the hard drive where all my work was saved, just gave in. I sent it in in the hope that the data could be salvaged. No such luck. As far as my assignments are concerned, I am back to square 1.
When something like that happen, I sometimes find it in myself to breathe deeply, pull back my shoulders and take another stab. On the other hand, if too many things like that happen, I tend to want to hide under my desk.
Yesterday a South African phone company managed to break the fibre optic cable on which our entire office network (phones included) work. By this morning nobody knew when the service might be restored, so I sent the Treasury team to the Disaster Recovery sites, so we can at least try to manage the most inmportant transactions, when I had a call from the body corporate.
According to them, one of my water pipes had burst, I am flooding my downstairs' neighbour's unit and I am liable for all costs. They suggested that I go home and assist. I left my work disaster, drove an hour and a half through traffic, only to find a young, unshaven, gum chewing kid reclining against my wall with his dirty sneakers.
He has decided that I either left my bath water running, or the pipes at the bath are leaking. On investigation, he found everything dry. He then decided he was going to take out my bathroom floor to which I objected.
I have asked for a second opinion and in the meantime, we cut off the water supply to my unit.I am tired and weepy. I cannot remember when last I was this desperate for God's intervention. I feel bad talking to my fiends about all of this, as it feels like I always complain.
On the other hand, if God does not step in, I do not know anymore. I am too tired to breathe deep, pull back my shoulders and lift my chin. I am too tired to pretend and frankly, I see no reason to.
Tomorrow I turn 35. My birthday wish? Only one - to see God manifest Himself in this chaos. For Him to help me to put a stake in the ground and to move forward, little by little.
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