Tired

I am so tired. I have been brave over the past few weeks and reduced my meds substantially, but today I am not convinced that my brilliant plan was that brilliant at all.

I had my eye on my blood pressure, liver enzymes, cholesterol, red blood count, platelet count, iron levels, weight and everything else that went wrong as a result of meds. I was so determined to get rid of the meds in order to fix my body.

But, this cold darkness is creeping up on me again. I am weepy, very tired (despite the fact that I sleep enough, exercise and eat healthy stuff in the right portions, cut out caffeine and alcohol and and and), irritable, and all hope seems to be escaping me. Classic depression. Again.

Lord, where are you? I think this is so unfair. I just want a normal life. I want to have an occasional glass of wine with my friends. I want to laugh with them and join in the fun, but right now, I can't catch jokes or innuendos. I feel like a leper with no hope of beating this disease. Be kind to me today? Extend your hand? Comfort me? In Jesus' Name.

Tuesday

On Saturday, our president was asked to resign. On Sunday he did so. On Monday (which was only yesterday) our company's CEO announced his retirement on he back of an announcement that one of our shareholders want a substantially bigger stake (and probably management control). Today one of the international banks (I deal with daily) announced that they are leaving the country and another hour later 11 ministers resigned from the cabinet.

These changes obviously impacted on our currency and the company news on our shareprice. I watch these figures every day - it is my job to know where currencies trade and how our shares perform relative to various indices.

Sometimes, I wish there were clear cut and well defined indicators of how I am doing. I would for example love to measure relationships with a glance at a monitor, but that defeats relationship, doesn't it?

I am in a bit of uncharted waters myself. I spoke to my psychiatrist yesterday and she agreed to reduce my meds even more. I am obviously glad about that. However, her very next sentence was 'BUT you have to monitor your mood closely'. But how? 'And', as if I did not know, 'there will be withdrawal symptoms'.

Tonight I am amazed at the pace of change and grateful that tomorrow is a public holiday in South Africa. My head feels like chewing gum, blown up, popped & pulled in opposite directions. Tonight I also know that Jesus does not change. He is consistent and a Safe Refuge when everything else wobbles. I am grateful for my community and their support and lessons I learn from little guys who do not know what a president or a CEO is.

Pray for the government?

Today the ANC decided that Thabo Mbeki is no longer the president of South Africa. They came to power in 1994, when Nelson Mandela became our president. He was succeeded by Mr Mbeki in 1999. Mr Mbeki's term would have been over in 7 months' time.

A few months ago, Jacob Zuma was elected president of the ANC. Now, he used to be a vice president of the country, but was asked to resign when he was first accused of a corrupt relationship with his financial advisor. This was followed by a rape charge and various allegations and on Monday the high court ruled that his latest charges are unconstitutional. All of this lead to today's recall of the president.

A few of my friends attended an emigration workshop today. There is a lot of uncertainty at the moment. For the last few years people alluded to the possibility of South Africa becoming 'the next Zimbabwe'.

Despite all this, the only message I get from the Bible is that we should pray for our rulers. Romans does not say 'if you like them' or 'if you agree with them'. In fact, the Christians were pursued when they were instructed to pray for the rulers. I do not need less grace than any of them and cannot pick up a stone to throw at them.

May God change our hearts. May God lead our government and give them wisdom in their huge task.

Low on virtual memory

My laptop does not have a lot of memory. It is also almost constantly complaining of being low on virtual memory and asking me to close applications.

Last night I was battling to speed up the computer, closing applications to stop the machine from hanging when it occurred to me that depression is a bit like that. I shut down one function after the other in an effort to survive. If you have never experienced depression, you might think I am crazy now and that everything is in my head (which is ofcourse true).

One of the things I did, was to stop talking. I stopped talking to friends. I stopped writing letters. I stopped text messages. I stopped trying to connect and in a way I think got some 'time out' and 'page expired' messages. To make it worse, I stopped talking to God - not intentionally, but trying to hear Him is like waiting for the hour glass to stop turning and turning and turning.

The ancient Jews would never stop talking - to stop talking was to admit that you entered the realm of death. They would rather fight with God because He is silent and His ear became heavy. They would question Him about suffering and pain (which is simply not done in our protestant world). They would complain to Him... but never be silent.

So then? Do I use what feels like my last breath to ask God one more time why I am unable to connect? Why do I take so long to complete a simple task? Why do I have to battle with side effects and withdrawal symptoms? Where are you and why does it seem like there is a connection error or I am using the wrong URL?

Between a rock and a hard place

A year ago I was suicidal. I eventually saw a psychiatrist who helped me. She prescribed medicine, but made it very clear that I had to manage my depression.

I made lifestyle changes - I cut out alcohol & caffeine, for the first time in my life I joined a gym and started exercising regularly. I introduced a lot more veggies to my diet. I started watching my sleep patterns and I probably have a stricter routine than most babies.

I started coping again. I can remember things again. I am no longer suicidal, do not lose my temper over everything, no longer feel totally hopeless. I even began to understand jokes and puns again (for some reason I honestly could not). While I focused on getting my mind better, a lot of other things (related to side effects) happened.

My blood pressure shot up. My cholesterol shot up. I had a full blood count done last week and there are lots of anomalies. I gained a huge amount of weight despite my healthy diet and exercise.

On Monday I saw the psychiatrist who agreed that I can reduce dosages on some of my meds in an effort to reduce my blood pressure. The condition is that I am supposed to monitor my mood as well as blood pressure. After I found out about the cholesterol and blood count (yesterday), I had that old hopelessness creeping up on me. That, combined with the feeling that I am unable to equalise (due to withdrawal of some meds), is a bit much for me today.

So - what do I do? Keep trying to fix my mind or pay attention to my body? I am confused and angry. I don't know why God thought I should have depression. I don't know why He then could not protect me from side effects like this? No matter how hard I try, I cannot make sense of this and I am not sure if I want to.

So, what is in a name?

Driving home tonight, I listened to a news report. An appeal was made not to abuse Madiba's name. Apparantly somebody sold a 24 carat black diamond at huge profit, because he called it the Madiba diamond. The spokesperson proceeded to explain the legal consequences and just how his name is protected. Ironically, Madiba uses his own name in efforts to raise money for childrens' charities. For free.

Last week Tom lead us in an interesting discussion about Moses and the burning bush. What really made an impression on me, is how God introduces Himself. I am. Just that. Not a lot of titles. No big ado.

We know that the Jews will never mention God's Name, probably as a result of fear of abusing the Name above all names. I don't think God meant for us not to know His Name. However, I think He wanted us to know Him and not just a Name.

I am comforted by the fact that God is - with me.

Monday

I am very grateful. Yesterday I had the opportunity to catch up with my young friends. Tayla turns 3 on Wednesday and had a party at Kleiters (Claypot kids) and joined in the fun.

Tayla is a little princess with amazing manners. She is amazing. Her baby brother (who turns 1 in November), crawls. It is very interesting to watch him interact with his mom, his dad and the other kids. Paul counted from one to ten in English! He is 3 and his mother tongue is Afrikaans. Paul's siblings, Hugo and Nina, are almost 16 months old and all of a sudden they can walk!

I can't help to see God in these little guys and girls. God is right there, in their midst. God is in every new tooth, in every new curl, in every step (and the determination behind it). It is WOW!

I am also grateful that I am getting better. I have seen my psychiatrist tonight and she agreed to reduce some of my medication.

May you see God in the small things this week.

She?

I saw an interesting video tonight. It is called 'She' by Nooma (Rob Bell) and explores the feminine side of God. Having recently read 'The Shack', which introduces Father God as a black lady, the thoughts were not entirely new, yet refreshing.

It is so simple for us to throw words like 'omnipotent' and 'omnipresent' around. How about God being more than male or female? God made humans, male and female, in His image. But how? The only possible solution is that God supercedes and encompasses both sexes.

I love some of the feminine expressions of God in the Bible. God takes care of us, siblings. God loves me and when my mind cannot comprehend it and I do not feel it, it is still true. Last week someone I really value (and think is very wise) said 'A mother is always only as happy as her unhappiest child'.

This is where I wish we could think in Amplified terms - stop, pause, think! What if this is also true of God? What if God's heart also breaks when we battle to survive and when we hurt? What if God is wiping our tears and patching up wounds? What if God really holds His breath while we take a few steps at a time? What if God hovers nearby while we decide if we will get back on our bikes and try again?

I think God does all of this and much more. I think God feels my pain even when I don't. I think God chuckles at some of the things I do and say. I know God loves me. I know He loves you too.