A year ago I was suicidal. I eventually saw a psychiatrist who helped me. She prescribed medicine, but made it very clear that I had to manage my depression.
I made lifestyle changes - I cut out alcohol & caffeine, for the first time in my life I joined a gym and started exercising regularly. I introduced a lot more veggies to my diet. I started watching my sleep patterns and I probably have a stricter routine than most babies.
I started coping again. I can remember things again. I am no longer suicidal, do not lose my temper over everything, no longer feel totally hopeless. I even began to understand jokes and puns again (for some reason I honestly could not). While I focused on getting my mind better, a lot of other things (related to side effects) happened.
My blood pressure shot up. My cholesterol shot up. I had a full blood count done last week and there are lots of anomalies. I gained a huge amount of weight despite my healthy diet and exercise.
On Monday I saw the psychiatrist who agreed that I can reduce dosages on some of my meds in an effort to reduce my blood pressure. The condition is that I am supposed to monitor my mood as well as blood pressure. After I found out about the cholesterol and blood count (yesterday), I had that old hopelessness creeping up on me. That, combined with the feeling that I am unable to equalise (due to withdrawal of some meds), is a bit much for me today.
So - what do I do? Keep trying to fix my mind or pay attention to my body? I am confused and angry. I don't know why God thought I should have depression. I don't know why He then could not protect me from side effects like this? No matter how hard I try, I cannot make sense of this and I am not sure if I want to.
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