Looking for God

I used to love reading. At the moment I battle a little to concentrate, but as I recover I start remembering things I have read.

Whilst driving home this afternoon, I remembered what CS Lewis said about looking for God. He said: "Looking for God-or Heaven-by exploring space is like reading or seeing all Shakespeare's plays in the hope that you will find Shakespeare as one of the characters..."

If God is not to be found in space, where is He? I think He is in His body - the Church. If you have read this blog over the past few months, you'll know that this is not a statement I can make casually.

Community remains a challenge in my life. To share - not only goods, but lives; to receive - I think giving is so much easier; to belong - even when you don't want to... to be a living sacrifice. To a large extent living as a sacrifice to God could be fairly easy - but when being a sacrifice means putting my own wants and needs aside for the greater good of His body, it can be challenging.

We are talking about fitting into the body in our community. The picture Paul chose implies that you have a role to play. You have to bring something to the party. And sometimes, you need to receive. That's how God made the body. Give and take.

It could have been more fun if we could choose our roles in the body, but on the other hand - we might have had seven heads and no kidneys. God made us the way we are. God called us to be a part of His body. God knows everything - our strengths, our weaknesses, what we need and what we can give.

The other day a colleague asked me about church - I was privileged to tell of people preparing dinner for me while my mom is in hospital and stewards looking our for me. There are people in my community who prayed for me when I could not pray. The next question was (not surprising) about what we believe? I could see the worry on his face - surely this had to be a weird sect. Not. We believe in God. We believe we should love Him with all our heart and passion and energy and those around us as ourselves. How we respond is determined by just this.

Community is give and take. Community is the place where I find God. Right there, in His body. Just like He promised.

Peace in pieces

"Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul; we may preserve it in the midst of bitterest pain if our will remains firm and submissive."

- Francois de Fenelon (1651-1715)

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen."

- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And for peace to be real, it must be unaffected by outside circumstances."

- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"I can live through Wednesday if God is with me and I find peace in Him, I choose to put my trust in Him - just for today."

- Emtia Grobbelaar (1975- )

Theology

Yesterday I saw a CD entitled 'Theology'. I did not spend much time in the shop and did not listen to it, but thought it was a peculiar title.

Theology literally means 'a word about God'. I studied Theology - in my first year one of our lecturers said that the very word is presumptuous. No human could ever say a word about God.
Obviously, in your first year you have all the answers and lots of words about everything.

Today I think I understand it. I don't have anything to say. I could echo what God said about Himself, but I do not have anything to add.

I do not have clever interpretations or bright ideas. I am content to accept what God said and believe just that.

I believe in You

Lord, even though it feels like the world is standing on its head

and sticking out its tongue at me,

I believe in You.

I feel outnumbered, but I believe You are for me and with me.

Even when I do not know where to go or what to do next, You guide me.

You are there every step of the way.

You light my path.

You remind me that there is none like You.

When I don't see the quiet waters and Heidi's green pastures, You still provide.

Every day enough.

When I can't hear You or feel You, You do not leave me.

I believe in You.

I believe your mercies are new every morning.

I believe in You.

By now I know that there are no magic formulas to get You to do things,

You are not influenced by positive thinking or confessions,

You simply are.

I don't think You care about what people wrote about You

or about how You operate.

You just are God. Fullstop.

You have all the authority in heaven and earth and

yet You don't run around trying to impress people.

I am tired and I'm not even going to attempt to describe You,

I just know You are there and I believe in You.

No matter what.

Monday morning

The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride. It was crazy, scary, nauseating, upside down. At times I wanted to giggle, then I wanted to cry, I was scared, sometimes I was screaming and sometimes just whining (mostly on this blog).

Last week I decided to remove some of my posts as my perspective has changed. Yesterday I mentioned it to two dear friends and after a short discussion decided to leave it just the way it is.

I am human. I have sinned. I err on a daily basis. I also have depression which makes me erratic, irrational and downright impossible at times. Yet, God loves me. This morning I am so aware of His protection despite everything that happened and will still happen.

I do believe that He is close to those with a broken spirit. I do believe that He can pick the pieces of my heart and life up and make something beautiful.

Lord,

trying to make sense of everything is too difficult for me,

but I do believe that you care.

I figured out that a lot of things I clinged to are not true.

Please show me your way?

When I can't walk, please carry me again?

You know that I am weak.

You know everything about me.

I don't understand your love and care, but I do know that it is real.

I do not understand the road you chose, but I will walk it if you are with me.

Please - do not remove your Spirit from me?

Help me to hear you, see you and to taste that you are good.

Help me to find you?

Please help me to do your will today - just where I am.

May your Kingdom come today.

In Jesus' name

Amen

Psalm 34

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left. 1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Prodigals

This week I have been pondering on Henri Nouwen's "Prodigal Son". I think I have been the father, the younger son and once again the elder son this year.

My mom is in ICU. She had a gastrictomy on Wednesday. She is very ill. Now - I have had questions about healing for many years now. If positive confessions were to do the trick, I would have been healed. If it was about professing the name of Jesus, or getting two more people to pray with me, or even taking a leap of faith, I should have seen results... Reality (for now) does not include these miraculous interventions. Claiming that God wants to heal my emotions? I don't know.

Here is what I do know - when I read Nouwen in the beginning of the year, I could associate with the father. I did not like it - I wanted to be able to be selfish and I wanted people to care for me (for a change), yet I accomodated them.

Then, I became the younger prodigal. I took a walk on the wild side and - shock, gasp, horror - put my Bible away. I neglected my community. I was angry with the Father. A lot of things happened (which I still don't understand). Yet, I had friends who prayed for me - more than that, they offered me 'a glass of cold water in the desert'. They picked up phones and called me. They have sent text messages and emails. They kept on inviting me over, even though I declined almost all invitations. They helped me to come home again. Without these dear people, who became Jesus to me, I am not sure where I would have been tonight.

This week I somehow became the elder son again. I was shocked at the resentment I felt when I had to step in to help my mom. My siblings do not live in Johannesburg. My parents recently got divorced and my dad was not prepared to jump in. The buck had to stop somewhere - right here. I think I was a bit like the brothers in Jesus' story - I did the right thing, because it was the right thing to do. That made it wrong. This week God changed my heart. When I became tired, He sent people to hold my arms high. Aaron and Joshua became friends who offered to cook me dinner and who were prepared to come to my place of work on their day off to check in. Others prayed. I was not alone and life was not that unfair after all.

Tonight, I wish I knew which role was the easiest and the most Christ-like. I suspect that I will become all 3 of these again and again and at times we could be more than one of these characters at the same time.

For now... I cherish God's involvement in my life. I cherish the friends He gave me, people who are not scared to get their hands dirty. People who did not condemn me when I dined with the pigs, but rather became instruments of His love, tugging me back to the True Father.

U is getrou

O Here U is so getrou. Van die dag van my geboorte kyk U na my.

Alles wat ek het, het ek van U ontvang, en dit is ontelbaar! Ek sien, hoor,

Kan dink en redeneer, gesels en lag. En as daar 'n traan is, is U daar om te troos.

U is Groot en Magtig.

Here, U is my lewe, U sorg vir my. U het die aarde gemaak en alles daarop en

'n Pragtige deel is vir my afgemeet. Dankie Vader. Elke dag is vol van U

Genade; en dit is alles onverdiend.

Bly by my o Heer - nou en altyd.

Amen.

Recalculating

When I upgraded my cellphone, I got a GPS unit with it. Initially I thought it was just too much trouble to install it. When I eventually got around to doing it, it became a great tool.

I also learned something from it, it recalculates your route if you did not follow the initial plan.

My world is upside down. My parents got divorced on the 7th of September this year. I helped them move into separate flats, I took my mom to the high court and sat there when the judge granted the divorce. My circumstances at work changed. I avoided my community and became alienated. I deviated from the route I set out to follow and tried to fix it with even more wrong decisions.

This morning I visited my mom in hospital and she looked so frail. It scared me. It made me realise again that I need to recalculate. I can sit in the corner and cry because I am trying to push an elephant up the stairs or I can turn to God. As frustrated as I have been the last year because I could not hear God, I certainly got no answers without calling out to Him.

I need God more than ever. I nurtured wrong habits and I know I cannot undo it with a single decision. I need to nurture new habits, new ways of doing things.

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) said: "As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think
over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."

I put all my cards on the table. Although I am exposed, I am in a better place than being on my own. This thing called community is tough, but it is the right habit.

Recalculating... counting the cost ... recalculating ... adjusting direction and course... recalculating

When God asks more than common sense

I have this weird idea that God is not interested in common sense. See, in our culture you are not fooled by the same person twice. When you are hurt, you build a wall. In South Africa, we build the walls with electric fences before we are hurt.

We put huge signs around our lives, proclaiming "Private Property - no trespassing allowed". We try to protect our hearts and in doing so, become prisoners of our own fears.

Yesterday I attended the Sunday service in my old community and today I have this (horrible) suspicion that God might be asking more than common sense of me. I think He might actually want me to go back. To be exposed again.

On an intellectual level, it is ludicrous. I hear echoes like: "You fool me once, shame on you. You fool me twice, shame on me" and "not even a donkey bumps its head on the same rock twice".

But then, there is another voice, saying: "seventy times seven", "forgive us, as we forgive" and "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they do".

So today, I think, God wants more than common sense. I think he wants love - all my mind, all my heart, all my soul. My entire being.