Preparation

It is spring in South Africa. With spring, comes the first rains of the season and farmers start preparing the fields. This preparation includes plowing, i.e. breaking the hard layer of soil, turning the soil over, fertilizing.... and then waiting on God to send the rain.

The events of the past few weeks really turned my heart over and over. It is my prayer that God will take my broken heart and the broken hearts of my friends and turn it into something beautiful. With this, I acknowledge God as the Farmer. I acknowledge that without Him, I am just broken earth. Only in Him and through Him, can anything good come of our broken heart(s).

We are not alone in this prayer. On Monday it is Yom Kippur. My prayer, with that of so many others, is that God will forgive me and mine and find our heart(s) useful in the year to come.

Up!

The past few weeks have really been draining. This morning all I wanted to do was to stay in bed, and I almost did (it is a public holiday in South Africa), but am really glad I didn't.

Instead I went to see the (fairly) new animated movie, "Up". What a delightful movie!

Strange as this might sound... the movie shows new loyalties, as opposed to the traditional model where "married is better than single", "with children are better than without" and biological connections rule.

It reminded me of community and what brings us together. We are very different. In our country, we have eleven official languages. Some are married, some have children, others are single or married, without kids. Some are black, others white, coloured or Indian.... yet Jesus unites us in a new family.

I do not want to spoil the fun. I really think this movie is worthwhile and hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.

Following Jesus in Johannesburg this week

Following Jesus once was a very different concept. Twenty years ago, it meant something like:

- reading your Bible twice a day & pray

- go to 'church' twice on a Sunday

- go to youth on a Friday

- not swearing

- not smoking

- not drinking

- not to have extra-marital sex

- fasting occasionally

... and maybe one or two other things. It was basic, clear cut and simple.

As I journeyed on, discipleship has become so much more complex. Following Jesus turned me around. People who share no DNA markers with me, are now my relatives. Saying 'sorry for Apartheid' can never be enough. Following Jesus sometimes mean being unpopular. Often it equates to making the difficult decisions... and then keep standing.

It was one of those weeks. I want to want to love Jesus. I want to want to please Him and not people. I want to want to live more like Him and I want to want to keep following Him.

Following implies moving. It implies change. It implies keeping my eyes on Him. Sometimes, just for a moment, I wish I could go back to those early days, but then... I do not want to give up this journey. It is tiring and sometimes really difficult, but at the same time exhilarating.

May God reveal Himself to me and you. May He give us the strength and the courage to keep following Him... just one step at a time.

Life and death

Tonight I really have mixed emotions. Let's start with the great things... tomorrow my friend Tayla turns four. Over the past year I watched her transformation from toddler to little princess. She is a girly girl who loves pink and bling. I just love her honesty. She really is amazing.

She shares her birthday with one of the bravest women I know, my friend Yvonne.

Yvonne's husband was in the ministry when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Tonight a programme will be broadcasted on RSG (a local radio station) where she will talk about what bipolar disorder did to their marriage. I love Yvonne and Jan. Their journey gives me hope for mine. I love the fact that they allow me just to 'be'.

I love Yvonne's courage and gutzpah. I think many people would run away from a marriage like theirs, but instead she cares and nurtures. She is 'out there' all of the time and rides an emotional rollercoaster as Jan improves and relapses. She honestly battles with God about this (often crazy) journey and is not scared to ask the tough questions.

Then, my friend Anton died today. I have many fond memories of him. Maybe I will blog about him another day. Today he just had a diabetic attack and died.

I thank God for letting my paths cross with all 3 of these precious people. They bring variety and spice to my life.

Bipolar disorder and Jesus

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My first reaction was that it changes nothing. After considering it for some time, I still do not think anything changed.

The rules are the same - my psychiatrist is a consultant, I am the manager of this disease. I still need proper sleep, healthy food, exercise, minimal caffeiene and alcohol... and my medicine.

The medicine is the real contentious issue, because it has side effects. I still can't picture Jesus as giving or allowing disease. Any disease. I honestly believes that it breaks His heart as it breaks mine.

I know a few other people living with this disease. I hear them ask the questions that I am sometimes too scared to ask, like: "Is this real or is it just in my head? Do I need the meds? Can't I just snap out of it?" However, when I look at their behaviour (and mine) I suspect that the disease is real and must be managed.

Tonight, I thank God for a community who understand this. I am still trying to find Jesus in this chaos that is my life. I sometimes catch a glimpse of Him when I am so creative and when I am weeping, I remember that He also cried.

One day at a time. That is all. Jesus was clear on us being unable to change anything by worrying about it. Just today... His grace is enough for me.