The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster.
Our community is adopting new rhythms - we are meeting on Wednesdays / Thursdays now, we are memorising Scripture and have weekly tasks. This new setup is a little unsettling to the introvert in me. The smaller groups and the fact that we all face each other (in a circle) make the whole experience more intimate and personal.
The homework becomes a rhythm during the week... and we have our own social network site. Funky ;-)
Through all of this, I was confronted by my own emotions and thoughts about God as a Father, an Author and a Mother (Psalm 131). It is difficult.
My mom is also back in hospital. Her 'new' stomach closed up and for the past 2 months did not let any food through. In essence, she was starving. She has lost 26 kg in this process. Yesterday the doctors flushed the food that got stuck between her throat and stomach. She still has a draining pipe through her nose to clear the remainder and another pipe in her throat to feed her. On Wednesday, the doctors plan to operate and cut out 'everything that is wrong'. It is obviously an emotional time for her and those who love her.
My dad broke up with his girlfriend, and found a new one...
It is also our financial year end and we are working really hard (being in Treasury).
Sometimes I think I should try to make sense of it all, but mostly, I just know that I am broken. I know I do not understand. I can't explain God or His plans, but I am still looking for Him in all of this.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Wrestling with Our Father
We are following a new rhythm. Instead of having our community meet on a Sunday, we meet on either a Wednesday or Thursday evening. The big idea behind it? To become Church. To live it. To not only attend and live Christianity through a paid professional. To engage with God and each other on this journey...
As part of the new rhythm, we have also decided to do 'homework', or engage in agreed activities every week. A part of this week's commitment is to do Lectio Divina on the "Our Father" prayer.
When we sang the "Our Father" on Wednesday, I started crying. Even now, I battle to get further than ''Our Father". Somehow, thinking of God as a Father, wanting to watch over me and care for me is just so foreign and inconceivable.
I do not "feel" this love. I battle so see it. Thinking this out loud makes me feel ungrateful.
Thinking of God as a black woman, cooking and talking and laughing, is just so much easier.
Today I wonder if God would mind if I switch these images... if only to get to the next line of the prayer.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What did Jesus do?
Today I had to smile. A friend commented that Jesus gets accused of doing SOOOO many things thaif she was Him, she would have resigned :-)
Friday, October 09, 2009
God's will?
My mom's stomach was removed two years ago (gastrictomy) and a new stomach was molded from her duodenum. At the time, she spent more than a month in ICU. It really was nerve wrecking and since I got hardly any sleep, the whole experience was just so much more intense.
About 6 weeks ago, she atarted complaining of terrible pain and that she could not hold her food down. A battery of tests were run and last week, they eventually discovered that her new stomach closed up. The doctor did a few biopsies and we were meant to have the results today.
However, when she called his rooms yesterday, she was told that he went overseas and is only due back on the 19th of October. He will only release the results then. In the meantime, there is nobody in his rooms to interpret and release the results.
My first reaction was that this is sloppy service and simply outrageous. It is a service we are paying for and now do not receive. My gut feel was that we need to get the results, even if I had to get someone else to interpret it (I have two very intelligent friends who are medical sisters and qualified to do so).
My mom's response flabbergasted me. She insisted that it is God's will to wait and then she forbade me to interfere.
I initially was furious, because I honestly could not see how God would want this. When I thought about it longer, I cried. Now, I am back at being irritated with the whole situation.
I do not want you to pick a side. What I would like to do, is ask you to pray with me? Please pray for my heart to change and for me to be able to respect my parents. Please pray with me for my mom and her health? It grabs my heart every time she gets sick.
Today, I need God, if only to make it through this day.
About 6 weeks ago, she atarted complaining of terrible pain and that she could not hold her food down. A battery of tests were run and last week, they eventually discovered that her new stomach closed up. The doctor did a few biopsies and we were meant to have the results today.
However, when she called his rooms yesterday, she was told that he went overseas and is only due back on the 19th of October. He will only release the results then. In the meantime, there is nobody in his rooms to interpret and release the results.
My first reaction was that this is sloppy service and simply outrageous. It is a service we are paying for and now do not receive. My gut feel was that we need to get the results, even if I had to get someone else to interpret it (I have two very intelligent friends who are medical sisters and qualified to do so).
My mom's response flabbergasted me. She insisted that it is God's will to wait and then she forbade me to interfere.
I initially was furious, because I honestly could not see how God would want this. When I thought about it longer, I cried. Now, I am back at being irritated with the whole situation.
I do not want you to pick a side. What I would like to do, is ask you to pray with me? Please pray for my heart to change and for me to be able to respect my parents. Please pray with me for my mom and her health? It grabs my heart every time she gets sick.
Today, I need God, if only to make it through this day.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
If God is the Author...
Last night I visited with some dear friends. We were doing Lectio Divina on Hebrews 12:1-15... a worthwhile exercise (if you are not sure what Lectio Divina is, please click here for an explanation).
Whilst there were many ideas popping up, I was confronted by my own... probably less holy... thoughts. See, God as Author of our lives shocked me. In my mind, if God writes my story... why would He include all these twists and turns? I simply do not understand how a loving God, can write stories with pain and heartache and so many tears.
As an author, you get to pick characters and storylines. If the people are real, it becomes more tricky, because how would one then decide which characters are to remain single and which ones get married and have children? How would one decide who gets sick? How would an author determine which characters live in squatter camps and which ones in mansions?
In my mind, none of this is any longer about what God does and what He allows. It is the story He writes. He determines all of this. This makes me feel hopeless today, because I am simply not up to fighting God or His script.
Deep down, I really hope that there is a fundamental error in my argument.
Whilst there were many ideas popping up, I was confronted by my own... probably less holy... thoughts. See, God as Author of our lives shocked me. In my mind, if God writes my story... why would He include all these twists and turns? I simply do not understand how a loving God, can write stories with pain and heartache and so many tears.
As an author, you get to pick characters and storylines. If the people are real, it becomes more tricky, because how would one then decide which characters are to remain single and which ones get married and have children? How would one decide who gets sick? How would an author determine which characters live in squatter camps and which ones in mansions?
In my mind, none of this is any longer about what God does and what He allows. It is the story He writes. He determines all of this. This makes me feel hopeless today, because I am simply not up to fighting God or His script.
Deep down, I really hope that there is a fundamental error in my argument.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Managing bipolar disorder
The first time I saw my psychiatrist was two and a half years ago. One of her opening statements was that she is glad I am a manager and was a consultant before, because it implies that I do know the difference in roles. She sees herself as my consultant, but I need to manage my disorder.
That stuck with me.
I am determined to manage bipolar disorder. For the past 5 weeks, I have kept a mood diary. I am measuring my blood pressure twice a day. I am weighing myself... and I am plotting all of this data in a spreadsheet.
The 'dips' and 'peaks' over the past month happened when I did not sleep enough and when I was intensely involved with other people. I can control half of that... I now know how much sleep I need. I know that I need to go to gym 4-6 times a week. I know that I need to avoid caffeiene and alcohol.
In all of this, I am still looking for Jesus. Every now and then, I see Him. In a movie... in the laughter of a child... in a taxi driver allowing me to pass him. He is in unexpected places. I love this journey. I love the people who are on this journey with me.
That stuck with me.
I am determined to manage bipolar disorder. For the past 5 weeks, I have kept a mood diary. I am measuring my blood pressure twice a day. I am weighing myself... and I am plotting all of this data in a spreadsheet.
The 'dips' and 'peaks' over the past month happened when I did not sleep enough and when I was intensely involved with other people. I can control half of that... I now know how much sleep I need. I know that I need to go to gym 4-6 times a week. I know that I need to avoid caffeiene and alcohol.
In all of this, I am still looking for Jesus. Every now and then, I see Him. In a movie... in the laughter of a child... in a taxi driver allowing me to pass him. He is in unexpected places. I love this journey. I love the people who are on this journey with me.
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