To medicate or not to medicate

This week the cocktail changed and I am really sick. Sometimes I wonder if the expense and all the discomfort of side effects is worth it.

On a good day, I am not suicidal and I cope with my world. My concentration is still not what it is supposed to be, I can't read a book - I keep paging back because I can't remember what happened. I forget stupid things, like which gym locker I used.

The only solution seems to be the medicine that cause nausea, headaches, dry mouth, hypertension, weight gain, night sweat and a ridiculous amount of other things. I always come back to the question of God and healing.

Why does He choose to heal some people and let others suffer? Why did He make people with 'latent defects'? I believe God is almighty. I believe God is good. However, all of this become just theory when all the side effects kick in and I feel like I am looking for God in vain. I search for Him, I hunger and thirst and I can't find Him.

Somebody spoke about the Song of songs the other day and said the lover did not really withdraw. She could just not see, hear, feel or smell him. She likened our experience of God being 'missing' to this. In my life, this just causes more questions. Why would a loving God withdraw in times when it is hard to get up in the morning and face a day?

So... to medicate or not to medicate? Skip all the side effects, but at what cost? Medicate ... at what (physical, financial and emotional) cost? Keep searching for God or fill the void left by His perceived absence with other things?

I need God. I need to know He loves me. I will probably never have answers to all hte other questions and at best I can hope to survive. I am disillusioned and sometimes even bitter. Yet, I always remain desperate for God. That is the constant, whether I medicate or not.