I have started writing this post about 20 times now and then either found that I could not express myself properly or I just got side tracked, doing a bunch of things at the same time.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past two and a half years now. I have been on various anti-depressants, etc. for the same period of time. I thank God for my psychiatrist. Seriously. Without help, I would probably have committed suicide somewhere along the line.
See, sometimes I loose hope. I battle to sleep. I can't concentrate. I am forgetful. I have moodswings. When I am in that dark place, I find it so hard to believe that there is a God and He has good intentions, let alone love. I never was a social butterfly and am an introvert, but when I am in this dark place, it is simply too strenuous to even try to talk to people. Getting up in the morning, taking a bath, brushing my teeth... everything becomes a mission.
And then there is the other side where I can do anything! I become invincible. I can do a load of things at the same time. I am super creative. I laugh and joke. My brain buzzes with new ideas all the time. Sleep is not important. Exercise is easy. Again... thank God for my psychiatrist.
Sometimes it is like having two hearts crammed into my mind. This is a crazy way to live and I often wish that I could just snap out of it or God would take it away. That has not happened yet.
The plan? Sleep enough. Eat healthy. Exercise. Leave caffeine and alcohol alone. Take the meds. Pray. Pray that God will find me in this disorganised mind, beacuse somewhere, inside all of this, I'm still here and I need God more than ever.
At the moment I am in what 'they' call a mixed episode. When I get up in the morning, I am invincible, but the slightest thing swings my mood right around. A little crazy, I know...
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