I have been spending a lot of time at the hospital recently. In the ICU waiting room (where I spent up to 10 hours on some days), there were Muslims and Hindu's, and we all got along, chatted occasionally and learned about each other's history... customs... and then rushed in to see the patients on cue.
However, my mom has now been transferred to the post-surgical ward. Today I caught myself being really intolerant.
See, the lady opposite my mom got a visitor yesterday. The visitor recognised me from when I was a pastor. She then proceeded to tell the patient and everybody else, whether they wanted to know or not, that I am a pastor. All I really wanted, was to take care of my mom. All her neighbour wanted, was for me to pray for more and more people.
Since yesterday, I was bombarded with stories of 'people falling in the spirit', 'miraculous healing', 'God's providence' and hallelujah's. This morning, I heard a patient complaining about pain for more than 2 hours, and then as soon as 'the Christians' arrived, the same person said 'and I do not even have pain, praise His Name'.
I am a Christian (if I need to put myself in a box), but even in my pentecostal days, I was a little uncomfortable with the way that Christians ploy stories to make God look bigger. Using His Name in every sentence today, simply did not cut it for me. After every story, 'hallelujah' or 'praise His Name', there was an expectant look in my direction as if I was to top their stories, pray louder or fit more 'Amen's' into a single sentence. There were many loud prayers, with long pieces of Scripture and big quotes, there was 'spiritual warfare' and demands to God that He heals perfectly. There were non-Christians in the ward and I felt ashamed. I am not ashamed of Jesus or the gospel, but I was ashamed by the way my brothers and sisters conducted themselves. This is when I got annoyed.
I want to want to love God. I want to honour His Name. I want to bring Him glory... but today I found myself dictatating the way in which I want this to happen. Now I have a dilemma... was I wrong or am I projecting my personality and my disappointments (yes, with God) on my prayers and expectations?
My mom just went through her second gastrictomy and almost died. I have bipolar disorder. I have a friend who lost his job as a pastor when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In my experience, God does not always heal (even though our reflex should be to pray). It is also my experience that God does not listen to the best oration. I think (hope?) He looks at our hearts.
Today was not fun and I am not sure that I am right.
What I would like to pray for tomorrow, when I go back and face the same people, is: 'God, have mercy on me. I am a sinner. Please help me to treat your people the way you would... which I suspect is with love and empathy. In Jesus' Name. Amen'
1 comment:
Amen!
Having bipolar or not, may we all do the best that we possibly can.
Bipolar runs in my family, and so I have been reading a book lately titled, "Blessed With Bipolar," by Richard Jarzynka. He speaks about how it is a gift rather than a weakness, a blessing rather than a curse, and adversity is an opportunity for growth.
I came to the conclusion after reading his book that God is not screwing with people who have bipolar. He will use bipolar for that person's absolute best.
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