Night and nightmares

Every time I think I am getting up, I fall harder. Every time I think I can see light, this (eternal?) darkness comes as a bigger shock.

Life must go on. My parents’ divorce was finalised on Friday. I think I was brave. I thought I am ready to pick all the pieces up and go on with my life. At some stage, I need to return to Sunday services (and honestly, I dread it). I cannot live in isolation, yet contact with other Christians upset me. I am bawling my eyes out about a stupid email whilst writing this post. I am just so tired of being misunderstood. I don’t want to defend myself anymore.

There are four people in my community who maintained contact with me, even when I claimed that I was not a Christian. These people became the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. They loved me and cared for me, when I did not want to live. When I make statements like in the previous paragraph, I hope they don’t read it, because they have the opposite effect on me.

So maybe there are different kinds of Christians or maybe I am just confused. Maybe I am just not as well as I thought I was. I am still desperate to hear God’s voice. I am desperate to experience His love for me. I want to serve God. May He shine His light into this darkness and bring an end to the nightmare.