When God is hidden

I don't know where God is. I am not sure He listens when I pray. I don't see Him, I don't hear Him, but I am looking for Him.

Over the past 12 months I have lost almost everything and everyone that was dear to me. I changed jobs and worked super-long days, I had a cancer scare and had an accident with my new car. My parents are getting divorced on Friday and had a long and tedious fight up to this point. I am just so tired of fighting and yet I can't stay down. I have a responsible job. My parents depend on me. My siblings seem to think I can fix things.

If I could email God (and there are websites you can do this) and be sure He reads my mail, if I could somehow get a 'read receipt' I would ask a few questions.

It is very presumptuous to imagine that God would read my blog, but He did read Hiskia's note, didn't He? He did see his tears and granted him extra time.

I guess what I really want to say to Him is this:

Lord, I need you more than ever, but today, I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by you and your body. If this is punishment (like some Christians are telling me), I don't understand what it is for. I am supposed to be your child. Forgiven? I am supposed to be part of your body, but I hurt. I am supposed to be part of your bride, but I don't see you. Everytime I get up, I get pushed down again. Why are you hiding or am I just looking in the wrong places? Where are you? Why don't you speak to me? Don't you care that my life seems to be falling apart? Don't you care about this black hole I am in? Where is your care and your provision when I need you most? Since you are God, the fault is probably on my end of this relationship, but I need your help to find you? Please don't leave me where I am this morning. Amen