When you think you are getting up...

... or even standing, watch out!

Paul wrote to the Corinthians, "So, if you think you are standing, firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" I have often thought he might as well have been talking to people with depression.

Just when you think you are getting up out of the clay, you are vulnerable. Every fall takes its toll. More injuries. Less energy. Less faith in the people around me. Less faith in God.

Every time darkness comes, I am more tempted to walk away from everything and just never go back. On days like today, I seriously doubt if I am a Christian.

I know I have to trust God, but wish I could fix everything myself. As much as I long to have my community back, I am too scared to be vulnerable in their presence. As much as I yearn for the presence of God in my life and His comfort, I will rather run and not have the pain if I don't experience His love.

I wish I could make sense of everything that happened over the past months and God's hand in it. I wish I could make sense of my friends and people who used to be friends' responses. I just can't. Maybe I just don't want to anymore.