I am out of control and I know it.
A year ago (today) I was admitted to hospital, the psych ward... clinically depressed and suicidal. All my gages were broken and it was really difficult to make any judgment call whatsoever. I was indecisive and just broken.
Getting better was a long and hard road. I started exercising, changed my sleep patterns, cut out alcohol and caffeine, formed rhythms and routines and learned to keep it. I have to take a whole bunch of pills every day and I still battle with that.
This morning I realised that I am losing the plot again. I worked 120 hours per week for the past month. I go to gym every lunch time and fall asleep within half an hour of arriving home. I think I learned to over-compensate at work, maybe because nobody else knows what happened or that I am on meds. Driving to work this morning, I became furious at the people I work with. I have not even seen them or spoken to them yet.
May God help me to find the log in my eye today before I look for the splinters in theirs. Saint Francis of Assisi once prayed: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.Where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury,pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seekto be consoled as to console;to be understood as to understand;to be loved as to love.For it is in giving that we receive;it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen " May God grant me the same today.
Being in control is very stressful. I choose to surrender control to God today. I choose to side with Him. As much as I dislike cliches, it might not be a bad idea to stop and every once in a while ask what Jesus would have done. It might not be a bad idea to focus on God instead of waging war in my heart. I think.
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