Why?

Today I am trying to think of a reason to carry on.

I do not have 'official' dependents, i.e. a spouse or children. In all fairness, I am not sure that a reasonable person, knowing they have bipolar disorder, would tie another life to theirs. At one stage I was passionate about adoption and I would really love to be a parent, but what does a single parent do with a child if you have a manic / depressive episode?

For the past ten days I have been on Lithium. This implies that I can no longer donate blood. I am one of those people who do need the occasional recognition and could visualise my name on the scroll of people who donated 200 units or more and I was well on my way with 58 donations. Instead, I now have quivering hands.

According to my psychiatrist, a manic/ hipomanic or a depressive episode causes actual brain damage. The synapses die and your brain need to form new paths.

I am actually starting to feel slow and stupid. Before all of this, I could read a few books per day with full comprehension and passed both of my degrees cum laude (even with extra subjects like Greek & Hebrew up to honours level). Now, it take me weeks to read a simple book and I have to keep referring back to make sure that my understanding is correct.

When I think about my relationships in general, they have not evolved or grown deeper over the past year. I think quite the contrary. Actually. I think I became a liability rather than an asset.

So, I do not think I will find the cure for cancer. I won't find a way to stop and reverse global warming. I might never write a book (another dream that is fading fast).

At best, I will have an ordinary life with minimal manic/hipomanic and depressive episodes. And then I am back at my question, why prolong this? Why should I carry on?