The runaway train

At Gold Reef City (a theme park in Johannesburg), there is a ride called "The runaway train". It is basically a few carts, running real fast on a rail. I think the fear factor is increased by the name.

We want to be in control. We want to be in charge. I know I do. I do not want runaway trains, trucks or cars anywhere near me for fear of what they could do. Yet, there is a runaway train in my head and this morning I am going to see my psychiatrist to help me stop it.

I am not depressed or crying all the time, quite the contrary. I am joking, have LOTS of energy, go to gym, am creative, do my job and do it well, but I latched on to this idea that it would be better if I cease to exist.

Today I am grateful for friends who are close enough to see my runaway train(s) and who can talk me off the ledge.

Bipolar disorder is a crazy disease, but it is a disease. It is terminal. It is going nowhere and it requires close management.

I feel like the pharisee who prayed out loud in the temple, saying what he does right and embarrassing the beggar every time I rumble down the list of things I need to and cannot do: I sleep enough, I eat healthy, I go to gym 5-6 times per week, I do not use caffeien or alcohol, I do not consider using any other drugs and I take me prescribed medicine as prescribed. Yet, sometimes I have a runaway train and all I can say this morning is "God have mercy on me, a sinner".

If you want to learn more about biplar disorder, I can recommend a 40 minute DVD called "Living with Bipolar Disorder" or a book called "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies" (I have read a lot about bipolar and this is the single best resource in my mind).