When I first met my psychiatrist, she explained normality as a horizontal line and explained that all of mankind cross the line upwards (i.e. good mood - mania) and downwards (having an off day to severe depression) in various degrees and at various intervals.
In bipolar patients the graph looks a little more dramatic. You can function with minimal sleep, don't need to eat, have SOOO much energy and your head does not stop spinning. You are just so 'bright' and have so many creative ideas and insights. Unfortunately what goes up, must come down...
On the bottom end of the scale, you just want to sleep and 12 hours per night seems to be too little. You either eat too much or nothing at all. You feel stupid. You feel unloved. You contemplate suicide. You have no inspiration and performing even the most menial of tasks is a major issue. Getting up and brushing your teeth vould, for example take 20 minutes.
A 'high' experience combined with a 'low' experience, is called an episode. More than 4 episodes per year, is considered dangerous.
Last week, I was admitted to hospital with a mixed episode. I went an entire weekend with 7 hours of sleep, broke every rule in the book and still thought I was just fine. The scale tipped from hour to hour and day to day. I could fantasise about suicide, i.e. just falling asleep and not waking up again to working accurately with millions of rands and managing risk. UP and down.
According to my psychiatrist, mixed episodes are the hardest to treat. It is a fickle scale. Do you tip it up or down? What would happen if you stand back and just observe?
In one of my clear moments, I asked my psychiatrist to arrange hospitilisation. So, am I healed now? I wish. The great thing is that I was removed from work- and family stress for 2 and a halve days. The next great thing is that I could be closely observed whilst my doctor tried to stabilise my mood. I am by no means cured, but took time out.
So now? I am back in the 'real world'. I still have to take my meds (higher dosages), go to gym, eat right, sleep enough, avoid alcohol and caffeiene... and in addition to this, I am now on lithium and can no longer donate blood. As weird as this might sound, I will miss it. For years, I donated my pint every 8 weeks. I donated a total of 58 units and would really have loved to continue doing so.
So where is God in all of this? Again, I see glimpses of Him when I am inspired and high and mre glimpses when I am in the darkest possible place. I see Jesus in my friends and their hands become His. Their touch, becomes His.
At the moment, finding Jesus in my crazy, upside down world, is a bit like 'finding Wally'. Wally is never in the same spot twice. Neither is Jesus. But He is always there, all I need to do, is keep looking. Sometimes, I need a little help and direction, but in my heart of hearts I know, He is with me.
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