Who am I?

Today I was confronted with a proverbial mirror.

Before we came on MDP, we had a 360 review done. In case you are not entirely familiar with the concept, it includes reviews done by your subordinates, peers, manager and self. There weren't too many surprises when I got those results.

We also did a second assessment and that resulted in individualised "Insights training" reports, indicating your personality 'in colour'. You could be blue, red, yellow, green, or any combination of said colours.

What intrigued me, was the fact that they measured the 'active you' (i.e. what you project at work) and 'the less active you' (i.e. who you are at home / will probably be on a desert island) and then they measured the percentage difference between the two. The higher the percentage change, the more stress you will experience because of the discrepancy between who you are and who you have to project. Anything more than 45% indicates that you might have to look at alternatives. My discrepancy is 55.3%, but I am not quite ready to start looking.

The exercise prompted an avalanche of questions in my heart and mind: Who am I really? Do I remember my hopes and starry-eyed dreams? Are any of these worth reviving? What does Jesus think of my little juggling-act and all the hats I am trying to wear? Would He be OK with this? Who am I when the music fades and all is stripped away? Do I even know me?

I don't have any of the answers, but I am thinking about it... Tonight my heart and mind are racing and unsettled. Instead of asking Jesus to just calm me, I am praying that everything that was scratched and ripped open, prodded and stirred today, might lead to a better relationship between me and Jesus and me and my brothers and sisters.


So, even though I do not have much more than a bunch of questions tonight, I choose to trust God with this crazy rollercoaster discovery ride... here we go!