The first MDP study block is almost over and cannot explain how grateful I am.
On Saturday I was in good spirits and enjoying life, the very next day my bubble was burst in the CSI game as I described in my previous post.
The lectures were brilliant and I learned a lot. We got to spend a day and a bit on one of the company's sites, which was really interesting.
The frustration started when were split into syndicates (in which we are doing an assignment that will last all year. The guys wanted to work late the night before last. Now, one of the things I need to do to remain healthy, is be in bed by 21:00. I know it. It caused a mini-explosion when I left at 22:00 to sleep.
Last night, one of the guys had put / asked for Vodka in my Tab (yes, it is my 'party drink') while I was dishing up food. When I commented that my cold drink tasted strange, they suggestedit might be the ice. I have just found out that they also told the waiter at breakfast that I do not really need decaf coffee.
Last night there was serious conflict between me and one of the guys in the team because I wanted to go to bed and they wanted to pull an all-nighter. I eventually went to bed just before midnight, resulting in me sleeping all of 4 hours. That is OK when I am (hypo)manic, but I am not.
The nett result is that I am tired, irritable, depressed and crying about everything. When I spoke to a friend this morning, I cried, just because she was nice. When I look at the bully, I cry. Fortunately I do not think they noticed yet. I feel hopeless and the worst part is that I know it is because I broke all the rules.
I do not know where Jesus is in all of this. I am trying to find Him and reach for Him, but I am somehow unable to connect. hopeless and know I should not be. At the same time, I do NOT understand God's selection processes. I do not know why I have bipolar disorder and I do think it is unfair.
I am considering withdrawing from the program, because of what this week did to me. However, I have learned that I should not take decisions when I am too high or too low.
Just a few hours and I will finally be home.
1 comment:
Wait until you have to hand in the assignments or the group project. Grey hairs, too much coffee and frayed nerves.
I completed one two years ago through USB. Great experience but a whole lot more work than I anticipated. It did however open opportunities at the office. A nice spring board.
I pity anyone in the starting blocks.
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