Loss and lost

Tonight I am experiencing a deep sense of loss. See, this week we spoke about our journey as a community and agreed to express the emotion we experience. My experience of loss has nothing to do with this journey, however, thinking of that made other things and experiences come to the surface.

By now, it is not much of a secret that I have bipolar disorder. I think I also spoke about ECT's, but I do not think I spoke about lithium.

Lithium is supposedly the gold standard in mood stabilizers and I was started on it about 6 weeks ago. It has a list of side effects:

- tremors in my hands
- constant thirst (I now drink about 4 litres of water in the day and another 2 at night)
- constant stomach cramps
- regular muscle pain (like after a run / long cycle)
- if you do not remain hydrated, the lithium becomes toxic
- weight gain
- the list continues, but these side effects have the most severe impact on me...

With the lithium came more rules and loss:

- I will never be able to drink another glass of wine, because the lithium will turn toxic.
- The same applies to caffeien... no more coffee, Coke Light, Coke Zero, whatever...
- One of the most upsetting things is that I am no longer allowed to donate blood, because my blood is toxic. I am weeping as I am typing this. Donating blood was my way to give back to society.
- I am not comfortable eating with just anyone, because sometimes, I battle to keep the food on my fork. So when I do, it has to be something I can eat with my hands.

I am saying goodbye to many things and everytime I realise I sm losing something else, it hurts all over.

This week I discovered that my medical aid is depleted due to no fault of mine. It simply is.

Tonight I dropped two plates, because my hands were just trembling too much. I had to put the sharp knives away, because I forget and accidentally cut myself twice this week.

This morning the child I'm teaching to drive, drove over a piece of iron and I lost a front tyre.

So what do I feel about my community's journey? I love them, but I am simply not there yet.

So, why did I write this gloomy post? I guess I just had to verbalise some of what what is milling through my head. And yes, I am feeling lost in this chaos. Is my feeling rational? I don't know. Tonight it is not about what I know, but what is going on inside.

Tomorrow I'll re-engage with what I feel about my community's journey. Promise. And then, I'll lift my chin and try again.