Tetelesthai

Just before Jesus blew out his last breath, He said: 'tetelesthai', translated as 'it is fulfilled'.

This morning, I am tempted to say: 'tetelesthai'. I know that you cannot compare medical treatment with giving your life for sinners, having loved them and having them not love you. I am by no means trying to be blasphemous. Yet, the temptation remains.

This morning I had my sixth, and for now final ECT. It was a rollercoaster journey. Initially I was really scared, then I decided to trust my doctor to take care of me while I sleep and relaxed. Yes, I have a few battle scars, but they will heal. My muscles are sore, but most of that can be fixed with a good workout or two. I have had a fairly intense headache since Monday, but that will go away. My eyes are super-sensitive to light.

What I gained overshadows the side effects. Two weeks ago, I was seriously suicidal and could see no reason at all to live. Today I am strong and I want to fight / manage bipolar disorder. I refuse to shrivel up and sit in the corner and be a victim of a mental disease.

I know that there will be good times and bad times, it comes with the territory. I might even have to have more ECT's in future. In the meantime, I am the manager of this disease and need to take my meds, sleep enough, drink enough water, exercise, stay away from alcohol, caffeine, weed, and other drugs.

Where is God in all this? I really do not want to have the whole healing discussion today. Our community agreed a few years ago that our reflex reaction to disease should be to pray for the sick. I am all for it. Yet, I see God more as a partner in this. He knows my brain, better than anyone else, because He made it. He knows about the synapses we broke over the past two weeks. He knows my heart, my life, my circumstances. In all of this, I believe that we will not be tempted beyond what we can control or resist. God is with me. God is in my bipolar disorder and the management thereof.

Tetelesthai. This chapter is over.