I am not bipolar...

... I just happen to HAVE bipolar disorder. I have read "Bipolar for Dummies" over the past 10 days and for the first time a lot of what is going on in and around me makes more sense.

According to the author, bipolar disorder can be latent and won't necessarily rear its head at all. It is similar to having a fair skin - you need to wear sunscreen and preferably stay out of the sun in order to protect yourself.

Thinking back, I know when I first met the monster. It was during a carnival in my second year at varsity. I served on the SRC and we were asked to arrange a carnival on a piece of land the University of Johannesburg (then Rand Afrikaans university) gave the Seminary. I worked so hard on my part, but the rest of the team simply did not come through.

The fun run was a disaster, the volley ball contest did not happen and instead of 100 stalls, we had 8. One of them sold lingerie. This was a big no-no in the pentecostal tradition and even more so when you are 19 years old and in the early days of a relationship. You know, when you still blush when you are just holding hands?

That afternoon, I decided to go and hide underneath a table in the tea garden and I did not ever want to come out again. That was the start of my first depressive episode.

Again, being pentecostal, studying to be a pastor and depply influenced by John G Lake & Smith Wigglesworth, I could not explain what was happening and was just relieved when it was over and I could tackle the next project, working almost day and night. The more I think back, the more I am flooded with memories and I can clearly see ups and downs. Ups and downs like everybody experience, but just so much more intense.

I believe that I have finally been diagnosed correctly. I believe that I have to manage this monster, or it might manage me. This includes regular exercise, enough sleep, healthy meals and the dreaded medicine. It implies that I have to work with my psychiatrist, whom I like to think of as a consultant. I will use every tool available to me, e.g. a mood diary and research available. I will keep asking questions and for the rest of my life, I will have to keep the monster at bay.

Yet, I am not bipolar. One of our lecturers used to say that you are more than the sum total of what happened to you. I am more than the sum of what happened to me. There is more to me than bipolar disorder, even though my regular meds and forced adjusted lifestyle shoves it in my face at least 3 times per day.

I do not know how God decides who should have it. I do not know if He gives it. I do not know if he allows satan to dish it out. What I do know is that I still want to want to love Him. I want to experience His presence and His comfort when my heart wants to break for seemingly no reason. I wanr to be with Him when my mind races and I can visualise all the little wheels in my head spinning. I want Him to be there when I have a 'runaway train' idea.

I am not bipolar. I am just a confused child of God, battling to make sense.