Letting go / finding

Sometimes I think God is brutal and at other times, He is so gentle. Sometimes I feel like He punishes and I am too scared to invite God in all His power to take charge, but mostly, God is in the gentle breeze.

I had a blow up with my friends last year. Subsequent to that I was really hurt and felt they dropped me when I needed them most. Things have never been quite the same. Our relationship became forced and we only saw each other at church meetings. I always felt awkward because I have lost my temper and I really did not want to be friends again.

Whilst in London, I had a lot of time to think and just be. On a sunny afternoon, I was sitting on Trafalgar square, watching the tourists (not) feeding the pigeons. I remembered a phone call from my friend when I was sitting in the same spot last year. I really wanted to call, but thought it would be weird. So I did the next best thing - I tore a page out of my sketch book and started writing a letter. Mika was singing on my iPod about saying goodbye to the world you thought you lived in and the penny dropped.

I think I was still angry. I thought I had a right to love and support and was furious when I did not get it. I had to let go. I never had rights. In the same way, I never had a right to health, a happy and loving family and a lot of other things I thought.

A day or two after I got back to South Africa, my friend sent me a text message saying she wanted to have coffee and just look me in the eyes, she wanted to tell me that I was forgiven and wanted to ask forgiveness. Obviously I assumed she got my letter and was really grateful that things were going to be fine.

Ten days after that, I got another message - she had just received my letter.

Coincidence? I don't think so. I think the Spirit of God stirred the same thing in both our hearts sitting a opposite ends of the globe. To me, this is a miracle. None of us 'made the first move'. None of us can take the honour. The Spirit of God was in the gentle breeze. He compelled, but did not force. I can assure you that I did not have goosebumps and I was so scared writing and mailing that letter.

We still didn't have that coffee, but we have been speaking. We'll spend some time next weekend and I look forward to it.