Skin

For as long as I remember, I have been a "Christian". My parents read me Bible stories and I used to pray for the men fighting on our borders and the people in hospitals long before I even knew what a border is.

When I grew older, I made a conscious decision to "follow Jesus". I studied the Bible, sometimes with friends and sometimes without. I tried to adapt my lifestyle to what I believe Jesus would want me to do. I battled with concepts like healing (I still do) and faith. Studying Theology was a logical step and getting a salary from the church I worked at made sense.

A few years later, I met an amazing bunch of people. We came up with (what I really believe God inspired) disciplines. These disciplines became a way for me to connect with God and kind of anchored me when times were tough.

Now I am in a strange place. I do not fit into my skin. I am battling to reach out to an invisible God. I am battling to believe in anything at all and those disciplines now became my accusers.

I have been avoiding my friends for months, because I cannot relate to them. I cannot meet with them to pray, because I stopped praying. I cannot 'break bread' with them, because I have nothing to share about my relationship with God. I cannot walk in another's shoes, because I cannot find my own feet. I cannot apply my talent to build up the community, because I think I make a mess of 'everything'. I still stick to downward mobility... I am pushing the boundaries on working hours, because it makes me feel like there is something I can still do. There is no way God is Number ONE in my life at the moment.

I feel like I am being sucked into a dark pit and I cannot break free. I have nightmares about how I am trying to resign from the church (as a job) and I cannot get away. I am crying when I get stuck in traffic. At the same time, I want to throw things and break it. I want to drive too fast. I just do not care anymore.

I saw my psychiatrist and she calls this a mixed episode. Apparently it is tricky, because I am experiencing mania and depression at the same time. If she takes away my anti-depressants, I might become more suicidal. If she leaves it, I might become more manic. If she introduces new stabilizers, I will gain more weight (and I really trying to loose weight). Bottomline - it is messy.

My skin does not fit. I am trying to be the me I always thought I was, but I am battling. I speak without thinking, I am hurting others. Not on purpose, I promise. It just seems to happen. I am both destructive and self-destructive and I do not want to be this me. I am just so tired of fighting this fight and not getting anywhere.

I do not love God. I do not even want to love God. But I want to want to love God. I want to want Him to be number ONE. More than anything... I want to be able to connect with this Invisible Being.