Healing

I have been battling with healing for 20 years now. I remember my almost unstoppable enthusiasm when I just 'discovered' the charismata and the possibility of healing. I laid my hands on anybody with the slightest ailment and to this day believe that God healed my dog, because I asked.

At the same age, I decided never to take medicine and I used to pray for healing for myself when I had headaches and even when I had mumps at the age of seventeen. Sometimes I believe God healed me and other times not (I had mumps for almost a month!).

Ironically, the first time I came across skepticism when I studied Theology. The more I was told that we live in a broken world and sickness and disease is part of it, the more fervently I believed that God is a healing God who hears my prayers. In my second year at university, I decided to put away my glasses and ask God to heal my eyes. He didn't. Three years later I eventually had to put my glasses back on in order to drive.

I tried to figure out why I was not healed - did I not believe enough? Was there sin in my life? Did the people praying for me not believe? Was this simply not a priority to God?

I saw people getting hurt in the church as church leaders told them they did not believe enough or they didn't get healed because of hidden sin. I had to ask myself if we weren't doing more harm than good by laying our hands on people and raising their hopes? Was it fair?

After I have left the 'fulltime ministry', i.e. drawing a salary from the church, I started thinking differently about a lot of things. I read all of Philip Yancey's books and could relate to the 'hidden God' he describes. I wanted to know where God was while I was hurting and never quite got the answers.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I came to believe that I should take the medical help available and then make lifestyle changes. I saw the medicine and these lifestyle changes (healthy eating, exercise, enough sleep, a bit of sun and the fact that I had to stop drinking caffeine and alcohol) as God's way to 'keep me OK'. I never questioned it.

I know two people who are battling with cancer and saw their therapy as God's way to help. When my friend, Tom, had a heart attack and triple bypass I thought the same. It did not occur to me that I should lay my hands on him and pray, but rather for our community to support him and his family in order to facilitate his recovery.

And then... my mom got sick again.

Three years ago she was diagnosed with stomach cancer and her stomach was removed. A new stomach was molded from a part of the duodenum. A year later, the stomach grew closed at the top and had to be removed and yet another one was molded. She spent a substantial amount of time in ICU's during recovery and she was really very sick. There were times when I thought it is the end.

For the past (almost six) months, she has been displaying the same symptoms she had before the second operation. My first response was that I thought the stomach had grown closed again. My mom insisted that God would not allow it and kept going to the GP, trying different medicines.

Just more than two weeks ago, I finally got her to go to a specialist physician. He did a bariummeal and it showed that the stomach is closed at the bottom. He referred my mom to a surgeon. The surgeon showed us on the x-rays that the part of the duodenum shrivelled up and it looks like there is no blood supply to the area. She then decided that God will heal her and refused an operation to correct the problem. Bear in mind that she has hardly been able to keep a meal down in the past six months and that is losing more and more weight.

As a compromise, the surgeon agreed to do a gastroscopy yesterday. Afterwards my mom told me that it is 'just inflammation'. I want to believe her, but I know what I have seen on the x-rays and it feels like she is postponing the inevitable.

I have to ask myself if my belief in western medicine is a stumbling block to her faith? My instinct is to have the operation as soon as possible so she can eat again and her body can absorb what it needs. On the other hand, it is not my body and I know I should respect her wishes. The surgeon took samples for biposies yesterday and we should have the results on Tuesday. It just feel like this process is dragging on and on and in the meantime, she is starving.

I am at a loss here and after twenty years, I still don't understand healing.