Disarmed

Last night I visited two dear friends. Jan has bipolar disorder, he used to be pastor before he got sick, but the church had difficulty with his 'mood swings' and disease in general. These days he studies Journalism.

A whole new world opened to my friend when he embarked on this new course. Amongst other things his wife is concerned about the content of the books he now enjoys. Lately he has been reading some of the Dalai Lama's work and soon the conversation steered in that direction.

In a conversation about disarming hostile countries, the Dalai Lama commented that taking their weapons away whilst their souls are still armed, is senseless. Disarming starts inside, surrender your weapons and guns will not be a temptation to you.

When Jan said this, something clicked. When I went back to my community, I did so with a huge amount of reservation and definitely armed and dangerous. I walked in with my ideas of how things will be going forward, who I will allow close to me and where my boudaries are. I was determined that nothing would get me down again and nobody would hurt me, because they won't be close enough to do so.

After listening to Jan last night, I think I heard Jesus asking me to disarm. Put down the weapons one by one. Be exposed. After all, the body is integrated. If you are not integrated, you can at best be like a broken limb - causing pain and held in position with plaster of paris.

I pray that God will grant me the guts to surrender my agenda, my arms and all my ammunition; to be disarmed again; to really be part of His body. Just one day at a time.

Giving thanks

It is Thanksgiving weekend in America. In our community, we take the time to celebrate it. Every week we do provide a platform to thank God, but once a year, we take a service to talk about the good things God does in our lives.

This morning we spoke about Jesus and the ten lepers (at the hand of Luke 17) and how the Samaritan turned back to thank Jesus whilst the 9 Jewish lepers continued their 5 day journey to the temple (following Jesus' instruction).

Leprosy is not common in our modern society, but there are other illnesses that does what leprosy did in the time of Luke. This morning we mentioned Aids. I have to mention mental illnesses.

This year I felt like a leper. I isolated myself and when I was amongst people, I 'knew' I was different. Some of my friends tried to help. Some just avoided me. Some told others they are praying for me. Today I am grateful for children.

Paul and Tayla are both two and a bit years old. I am so grateful that God and their parents allowed me to be a part of their lives. They never looked at me strangely. There were no awkward silences. We just played. If I were a fan of cloning, I'd probably have those two cloned - I pray that everybody will have somebody like Paul and Tayla in their lives. They don't judge or question you. They simply enter into conversation about anything around. They learn and teach. They became Jesus to me.

I am not a leper. I may do things different from the way I did a year ago, but I am still me. I am grateful that God carried me in this year. I had a cancer scare, but no cancer. I had an accident with my car, but wasn't hurt. My parents got divorced, but I still have parents. My mom was really sick and had a big operation, but she is a little better every day. I work hard, but I have a good job.

God's mercies truly are new every morning. I pray hat He will help me to see the beauty in every day. I pray that He will alert me to the simple things in life. A child's laughter, a wild flower, a sunset... and that when I do see it, I will remember the Source and remember to thank Him. After all, it is only good manners ;-)

Some days...

.... just look better upside down ;-) - Eeyore

I have a few young friends who seem to like Winnie the Pooh & friends and now I notice Winnie, Tigger & Eeyore.

I read this truth by Eeyore this morning and couldn't agree more.

Multitude of blessings

"However many blessings we expect from God, His infinite liberality will always exceed all our wishes and our thoughts."- John Calvin

Celtic confession

Count us not as nothing, O God,
count us not at nothing, O Christ,
count us not as nothing, O kind Spirit,
nor abandon us to eternal loss.

We confess our sins to you, Father, Son, and Spirit Holy.
Compassionate God of life, your kindly pardon give:
for our careless talk,
our broken oath,
our empty speech;
for all that we have left undone,
for all that we have done amiss.

Jesus, only-begotten Son and Lamb of God the Father,
you gave the blood of your body to save us from the grave.

As we receive the Word and knowledge of your forgiveness,
enshield us, encircle us,
each day, each night, each dark, each light.

Uphold us, be our treasure, our triumph everlasting;
strong Son of God most high.

Success

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Standing, falling, sitting, standing and falling

Lord, I wish I could see you.

I wish I could talk to you - face to face - and somehow gage your thoughts.

I am so scared to love and to hope - I am scared to get hurt.

I wish I could just focus on the things of the life hereafter,

but I keep coming back to the now.

Lord, I believe that you called us to be your body - now.

I believe that your kingdom comes now.

The problem is, living on earth, I can't see you.

I also have wants and needs and longings here and now.

Lord, please help me to stand.

Please help me to take one step at a time.

Please hold my hand.

Do not leave me, please do not forsake me.

Lord, help my unbelief!

Help me to deal with my fears and anxieties.

I beg this in Jesus' Name.

Amen

Budgets and the day of tomorrow

On Sunday our stewards are presenting a stewardship workshop. We will look at three things:

• A feasible budget for 2008
• Progress from where we are
• Margin / saving in our (individual) budgets

I am excited to see how much effort they make with our community's finances. See, I think money is a gift from God. We are His stewards taking care of His money and therefore we have to be wise and knowledgable.

About a year and a half ago our stewards started praying this prayer and asked us to join them in doing so:

"Two things I ask of you, O Lord; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God. " Prov.30:7-9

This prayer is part of today's preparations for the workshop. This is still my prayer. Our Father, only our daily bread - just for today. Thank you for your provision today. Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning. Thank you for your love and care and thank you that you made days and nights - and thank you that I can trust you with my entire being today. Thank you for my friends and that they can help me plan for tomorrow and next year. Lord, I pray that you will always be Number One in our finances. Please help us to always acknowledge and worship the Giver, not the gift. In Jesus' Name.

Gandhi or Hitler?

I am reading a book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross called 'Life lessons'. My psychiatrist recommended that I read it (and the other advice she gave me paid off).

In the very first chapter (on authenticity) she states that we all have the potential to be a Gandhi or a Hitler... or any shade of grey in between. By denying your dark (shadow?) side, you only make matters worse.

I have always believed that a drunk person is usually an honest person, because there is no pretense left and no harm perceived in letting their guard (even further) down. I am starting to think that people suffering from depression is not much different. Authenticity is not this ideal anymore - it just happened.

When I read some of my posts in retrospect, I cannot believe how much I said and how much of it I meant at the time. Maybe I have lost my tact or maybe I am just tired of pretending. I crave what is real.

I feel stripped. I feel exposed. I know that I am lost without God. I have never needed my friends' love to cover me more.

I can be Gandhi or Hitler or anything in between. I pray that God will be with me and that He will mold me. I pray that He will guard my mouth and that I won't hurt others with what I am saying. I pray that He will cover me with His love and help me to love Him with everything I have and others as myself.

Back to basics

This morning I feel a little lost. The flurry of events over the past two months took me away from my known and (by now) comfortable routine. I did not do my bit to keep healthy.

When I first saw the psychiatrist, she told me that I am the manager and she the consultant of this depression. I could ask her questions, she could explain, give me some guidance and a script, but I had to actively manage it. Management included regular exercise, a proper diet, enough sleep, limited caffeien and alcohol.

A month of chaos lead to zero routine and today I am down and battle to concentrate. I feel detached and suspicious. I am tired and weepy and feel just stupid.

Today I pray that God will help me to manage depression better and to get back into my routine. When I am in a routine, I can function. I used to take pride in it that I can adapt quickly, but I seem to have lost that ability.

I need God to shelter me. I need to know that He is there and that He has good intentions. I cannot understand how a good and loving God can allow something like depression with its crushing effects in my life. There is almost nothing left of my relationships before depression. For the first time ever, I battle to understand the first time someone explains something to me. The medication I take, have all kinds of side effects - some become more tolerable over time and others (like morning sickness for the past nine months, even though I am definetely not pregnant) I will probably never get used to.

I don't want to have this disease. I don't like what it does to me and those around me. I have asked God to heal me, I have confessed every possible sin, others prayed for me and still pray for me. Then there is the guilt because I almost always feel blue and others tiptoeing - not wanting to ask or say anything. I am still me, even though I became a stranger to myself. I am still the person I was when I became your friend.

Today, I pray that God will keep me safe. I think I will go to gym in lunchtime and try to do my bit. Even though I don't understand much now.

Blessed to be a blessing

In Genesis 12 God spoke to Abraham and promised him that he would be blessed to be a blessing. This "blessed to bless" is a recurrent theme in the Pentateuch as well as the prophets and when we got to the New Testament, I think we gave it a new name. We talk about spiritual gifts. Maybe "gifted to give"?

I think there are a few common misperceptions regarding spiritual gifts. Somewhere along the line, we added up the gifts Paul and Peter listed and defined the ultimate list of gifts. It became a check sheet to see just how holy we are. All of a sudden, there were people who were more spiritual than others.

Then we expanded the list... we included a few 'practical things' like leading worship. We have great worship leaders in our community and I love them. However, I do not love them more than the person compiling the data for our calendar or the person offering a meal to someone.

I believe we complicate a simple matter. We are still blessed to be a blessing and gifted so we can give. So what is a gift then? A gift is whatever God gave me - every talent and skill, every asset, all of it. What am I to do with these gifts? Pass it on. Serve God and serve the body.

We received freely and therefore need to give freely. We need to edify (build) the body. We need to apply our minds, bodies and hearts (with all our passion) to serve God and the body of Christ.

Maybe we don't need lists and categories of gifts. Maybe we don't even need to colour code or file it. Maybe we must just do it. Just be. Come as you are. Use what you have in your hand (Moses).

Maybe the most important part is to pitch up, ready to put my entire being and all 'my possessions' on the altar.

After all we are blessed to be a blessing and gifted to give...

To love or not to love

My mom has been in hospital for almost a month now. During the same month we had our financial year end at work, we have a lot of projects that require extra time and energy, we are running short on staff and life just happened. Mind you, life seems to happen to me all the time.

I am just so tired.

On my Google screen, there are quotes of Mother Theresa (ironically, my mom's name is Theresa). Today's quote is: "Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

I am tired. I don't know how to help my mom. Helplessness frustrates me. When I get agitated, I don't exactly feel like I love my mom.

What is love anyway? If it is a fuzzy feeling, I fail. If it is never to get angry, I fail. If love is to serve all the time, I'm not sure I'm doing a good job. The only way I can think of to love my mom, is to go back there tomorrow. I hope she sees a small part of my heart and care. May God keep my intentions pure and help me to communicate it properly.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you live life? Just one day at a time.

May God work a miracle in my heart and help to love the way He does. Tirelessly. Over and over. Seventy times seven times and then just one more time.

Looking for God

I used to love reading. At the moment I battle a little to concentrate, but as I recover I start remembering things I have read.

Whilst driving home this afternoon, I remembered what CS Lewis said about looking for God. He said: "Looking for God-or Heaven-by exploring space is like reading or seeing all Shakespeare's plays in the hope that you will find Shakespeare as one of the characters..."

If God is not to be found in space, where is He? I think He is in His body - the Church. If you have read this blog over the past few months, you'll know that this is not a statement I can make casually.

Community remains a challenge in my life. To share - not only goods, but lives; to receive - I think giving is so much easier; to belong - even when you don't want to... to be a living sacrifice. To a large extent living as a sacrifice to God could be fairly easy - but when being a sacrifice means putting my own wants and needs aside for the greater good of His body, it can be challenging.

We are talking about fitting into the body in our community. The picture Paul chose implies that you have a role to play. You have to bring something to the party. And sometimes, you need to receive. That's how God made the body. Give and take.

It could have been more fun if we could choose our roles in the body, but on the other hand - we might have had seven heads and no kidneys. God made us the way we are. God called us to be a part of His body. God knows everything - our strengths, our weaknesses, what we need and what we can give.

The other day a colleague asked me about church - I was privileged to tell of people preparing dinner for me while my mom is in hospital and stewards looking our for me. There are people in my community who prayed for me when I could not pray. The next question was (not surprising) about what we believe? I could see the worry on his face - surely this had to be a weird sect. Not. We believe in God. We believe we should love Him with all our heart and passion and energy and those around us as ourselves. How we respond is determined by just this.

Community is give and take. Community is the place where I find God. Right there, in His body. Just like He promised.

Peace in pieces

"Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul; we may preserve it in the midst of bitterest pain if our will remains firm and submissive."

- Francois de Fenelon (1651-1715)

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen."

- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And for peace to be real, it must be unaffected by outside circumstances."

- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"I can live through Wednesday if God is with me and I find peace in Him, I choose to put my trust in Him - just for today."

- Emtia Grobbelaar (1975- )

Theology

Yesterday I saw a CD entitled 'Theology'. I did not spend much time in the shop and did not listen to it, but thought it was a peculiar title.

Theology literally means 'a word about God'. I studied Theology - in my first year one of our lecturers said that the very word is presumptuous. No human could ever say a word about God.
Obviously, in your first year you have all the answers and lots of words about everything.

Today I think I understand it. I don't have anything to say. I could echo what God said about Himself, but I do not have anything to add.

I do not have clever interpretations or bright ideas. I am content to accept what God said and believe just that.

I believe in You

Lord, even though it feels like the world is standing on its head

and sticking out its tongue at me,

I believe in You.

I feel outnumbered, but I believe You are for me and with me.

Even when I do not know where to go or what to do next, You guide me.

You are there every step of the way.

You light my path.

You remind me that there is none like You.

When I don't see the quiet waters and Heidi's green pastures, You still provide.

Every day enough.

When I can't hear You or feel You, You do not leave me.

I believe in You.

I believe your mercies are new every morning.

I believe in You.

By now I know that there are no magic formulas to get You to do things,

You are not influenced by positive thinking or confessions,

You simply are.

I don't think You care about what people wrote about You

or about how You operate.

You just are God. Fullstop.

You have all the authority in heaven and earth and

yet You don't run around trying to impress people.

I am tired and I'm not even going to attempt to describe You,

I just know You are there and I believe in You.

No matter what.

Monday morning

The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride. It was crazy, scary, nauseating, upside down. At times I wanted to giggle, then I wanted to cry, I was scared, sometimes I was screaming and sometimes just whining (mostly on this blog).

Last week I decided to remove some of my posts as my perspective has changed. Yesterday I mentioned it to two dear friends and after a short discussion decided to leave it just the way it is.

I am human. I have sinned. I err on a daily basis. I also have depression which makes me erratic, irrational and downright impossible at times. Yet, God loves me. This morning I am so aware of His protection despite everything that happened and will still happen.

I do believe that He is close to those with a broken spirit. I do believe that He can pick the pieces of my heart and life up and make something beautiful.

Lord,

trying to make sense of everything is too difficult for me,

but I do believe that you care.

I figured out that a lot of things I clinged to are not true.

Please show me your way?

When I can't walk, please carry me again?

You know that I am weak.

You know everything about me.

I don't understand your love and care, but I do know that it is real.

I do not understand the road you chose, but I will walk it if you are with me.

Please - do not remove your Spirit from me?

Help me to hear you, see you and to taste that you are good.

Help me to find you?

Please help me to do your will today - just where I am.

May your Kingdom come today.

In Jesus' name

Amen

Psalm 34

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left. 1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Prodigals

This week I have been pondering on Henri Nouwen's "Prodigal Son". I think I have been the father, the younger son and once again the elder son this year.

My mom is in ICU. She had a gastrictomy on Wednesday. She is very ill. Now - I have had questions about healing for many years now. If positive confessions were to do the trick, I would have been healed. If it was about professing the name of Jesus, or getting two more people to pray with me, or even taking a leap of faith, I should have seen results... Reality (for now) does not include these miraculous interventions. Claiming that God wants to heal my emotions? I don't know.

Here is what I do know - when I read Nouwen in the beginning of the year, I could associate with the father. I did not like it - I wanted to be able to be selfish and I wanted people to care for me (for a change), yet I accomodated them.

Then, I became the younger prodigal. I took a walk on the wild side and - shock, gasp, horror - put my Bible away. I neglected my community. I was angry with the Father. A lot of things happened (which I still don't understand). Yet, I had friends who prayed for me - more than that, they offered me 'a glass of cold water in the desert'. They picked up phones and called me. They have sent text messages and emails. They kept on inviting me over, even though I declined almost all invitations. They helped me to come home again. Without these dear people, who became Jesus to me, I am not sure where I would have been tonight.

This week I somehow became the elder son again. I was shocked at the resentment I felt when I had to step in to help my mom. My siblings do not live in Johannesburg. My parents recently got divorced and my dad was not prepared to jump in. The buck had to stop somewhere - right here. I think I was a bit like the brothers in Jesus' story - I did the right thing, because it was the right thing to do. That made it wrong. This week God changed my heart. When I became tired, He sent people to hold my arms high. Aaron and Joshua became friends who offered to cook me dinner and who were prepared to come to my place of work on their day off to check in. Others prayed. I was not alone and life was not that unfair after all.

Tonight, I wish I knew which role was the easiest and the most Christ-like. I suspect that I will become all 3 of these again and again and at times we could be more than one of these characters at the same time.

For now... I cherish God's involvement in my life. I cherish the friends He gave me, people who are not scared to get their hands dirty. People who did not condemn me when I dined with the pigs, but rather became instruments of His love, tugging me back to the True Father.

U is getrou

O Here U is so getrou. Van die dag van my geboorte kyk U na my.

Alles wat ek het, het ek van U ontvang, en dit is ontelbaar! Ek sien, hoor,

Kan dink en redeneer, gesels en lag. En as daar 'n traan is, is U daar om te troos.

U is Groot en Magtig.

Here, U is my lewe, U sorg vir my. U het die aarde gemaak en alles daarop en

'n Pragtige deel is vir my afgemeet. Dankie Vader. Elke dag is vol van U

Genade; en dit is alles onverdiend.

Bly by my o Heer - nou en altyd.

Amen.