I want to want to

Theresa of Avila said: "Oh God, I don't love you, I don't even want to love you, but I want to want to love you..." This morning I understand a little of that.

I read the post on our community's site this morning (you can read it in my shared items) and I agree with everything Tom said. Yet, my plans and great ideas of a year ago are still haunting me. Jesus said his yoke is light and I love Nouwen's analogy of a child clearing a pen, but it feels difficult.

I am scared of failing again. I am scared of falling again. I am scared of isolation. I am scared to be with people. I am scared of life and looking it in the eye even once more.

I want to want to love God. I want to want to make Him Number One. I want to want to love my neighbour. I want to want to love myself.

May God have mercy on me and my neighbours today.

Friday

Lord, I am tired and confused
and I don't know why I can't hear you.
I am just too tired to keep trying now.
It feels like I am calling and searching in vain.
It feels like you are hiding from me.
I feel set up to fail in this life.
Please speak to me - open my eyes so I can see you...

Anxious heart

Lord, on a day like today my heart is anxious

and the waves seem HUGE

and I am sinking.

Today I am scared of my job and the markets are volatile,

I am scared of Africa and government's decisions,

I am scared of loadshedding and shortages in our country.

Yet, somewhere deep down, I know that you lead your people through a desert;

there were worse times in the market;

there was life before Eskom and electricity;

our future is not in the hands of the government - it is in your hands.

So Lord, please calm the storms in my heart.

Help me to see your hand?

Please give me courage and wisdom for today?

Please guide me and my friends through this rough patch?

Lord, without you all our efforts are in vain.

Without you life is simply not worth the effort.

Please extend your comfort and your love in this confusing day?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

The Lord is my Shepherd

Lord, if you are my Shepherd,

you are here with me.

A shepherd cannot watch over his flock with a webcam

nor follow them with a GPS connection.

If I think about the picture of a shepherd,

like David must have been -

the shepherd stayed out with the sheep,

lead them to water,

fended for them when wild animals came prowling

(endangering himself),

found food for them in barren landsacapes...

You told the story of the shepherd who left 99 sheep

to go looking for the missing one -

you said you will not break a bruised reed,

and you will not snuff outa smouldering wick.

When your friend, Lazarus, died - you wept.

Lord, I know you are sovereign.

You are God.

I cannot manipulate you.

But Lord, please have mercy on me?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

I want to know you more

Lord, I want to know you more.

I want to see you, hear you - experience you

in every possible way and area of my life.

Today - whilst I feel lost and alone,

please be -

Christ beside me

Christ before me

Christ behind me

Christ before me

Christ beneath me

Christ above me...

Christ in heart of all who meet me.

Please surround me with your love and compassion!

Please help me to face today?

Please strengthen my feeble heart and weak knees?

Please help me to know you and to love you?

In Jesus' Name

Amen

Expectations

I love my friend Tom's post on expectations! You can read it under my shared items.

It reminded me of what an old friend of mine always says, "If you expect more than the other person can or is prepared to give, you will be disappointed and there will be disarray". This is a theory I have often tested and every time she was proved right.

God is God. One of our lecturers used to say that God will never be bound by His Word, He always supercedes it. He will never be a puppet.

May God be God in my life.

I quit

Lord, I could never understand how winners never quit,

but you're supposed to quit while you're ahead.

This morning, I am not ahead. I am not a winner. I am the weakest link.

I am broken in my spirit and in my body and I am unfit to sign up to run the race this year.

I cannot sign up for a race I am pretty sure I can't complete.

Lord, I carry more burdens than a year ago, I still have injuries. I cannot do this.

Last night, I was listening to my friends talking about you

and what they believe you would like us to do this year.

I didn't have the guts to tell them it takes EVERYTHING I have

just to get up in the morning and face another day.

I didn't have the guts to tell them how often I thought of just ending it all.

I couldn't tell them that I don't have the guts to pray,

because just the opposite of what I ask seem to happen ALL the time.

Lord, I am the foreigner in Jerusalem

who do not have a clue of what is happening in their lives

and it is probably my own fault.

I alienated them when I closed up my life, trying to survive.

So Lord, today I quit. I can't do this anymore.

When I listen to them and how they pray for others,

I am reminded of what I am not and I can not.

I can not be a burden to a team, so I quit.

Yet, I have to ask you one more thing - please help me to live today,

to look life in the eye - just today, please Lord?

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Tuesday morning

Lord - You and I - we have a history.
You have always given bread for the coming day;
and though I face financial constraints, today I believe.
You have always given strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak and anxious in the wake of this new day, today I believe.
You have always given peace for the coming day;
You have always kept me safe in trials
even when I thought I would be overcome at any moment;
and now, tried as I am, today I believe.
You have always marked the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden and I am desperate to hear what you think about my
scheduled meetings and interviews , today I believe.
You have always lightened this darkness of mine; and though the night is here
and I can simply not see a way out or around it, today I believe.
You have always spoken when time was ripe; and though you be silent now and the world might think I am a looney wanting to hear voices, today I believe.
Lord, there is nothing I desire more than your presence, your smile, your love.
Today, even if I do not see or hear or feel you,
I believe because we have a history.

Amen

To medicate or not to medicate

This week the cocktail changed and I am really sick. Sometimes I wonder if the expense and all the discomfort of side effects is worth it.

On a good day, I am not suicidal and I cope with my world. My concentration is still not what it is supposed to be, I can't read a book - I keep paging back because I can't remember what happened. I forget stupid things, like which gym locker I used.

The only solution seems to be the medicine that cause nausea, headaches, dry mouth, hypertension, weight gain, night sweat and a ridiculous amount of other things. I always come back to the question of God and healing.

Why does He choose to heal some people and let others suffer? Why did He make people with 'latent defects'? I believe God is almighty. I believe God is good. However, all of this become just theory when all the side effects kick in and I feel like I am looking for God in vain. I search for Him, I hunger and thirst and I can't find Him.

Somebody spoke about the Song of songs the other day and said the lover did not really withdraw. She could just not see, hear, feel or smell him. She likened our experience of God being 'missing' to this. In my life, this just causes more questions. Why would a loving God withdraw in times when it is hard to get up in the morning and face a day?

So... to medicate or not to medicate? Skip all the side effects, but at what cost? Medicate ... at what (physical, financial and emotional) cost? Keep searching for God or fill the void left by His perceived absence with other things?

I need God. I need to know He loves me. I will probably never have answers to all hte other questions and at best I can hope to survive. I am disillusioned and sometimes even bitter. Yet, I always remain desperate for God. That is the constant, whether I medicate or not.

The prayer of a Trappist monk - Thomas Merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am folllowing your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen

A Celtic morning prayer

Have mercy on us O God, Father almighty,
immeasurable God,
patient God,
incorruptible God,
immortal God,
eternal God,
perfect God,
merciful God,
wonderful God,
heavenly Father, who abides in heaven,
Have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us O God, Father almighty,
God of earth,
God of fire,
God of the waters of wonder,
God of the gusting and blustering air,
God of the many languages found
throughout the world,
heavenly Father, you who abide in heaven,
Have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us, O God the Almighty,
Jesus Christ Son of the living God,
O true Knowledge.
O true Light of love, who enlightens all darkness,
O guiding Light,
O Sun of truth,
O Morning Star,
O Brightness of the divinity,
O Radiance of eternal brightness,
– O Christ crucified.
O eternal judge, have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us, O God the Almighty,
Jesus Christ Son of the living God.
O Angel of great counsel,
O true Prophet,
O true Apostle,
O true Teacher,
O High Priest,
O Nazarene,
O Christ crucified,
O eternal judge, have mercy on us.
Have mercy on us Almighty God,
O Holy Spirit,
O Teacher of true wisdom,
O Spirit of understanding,
O Spirit of Counsel,
O Spirit of strength,
O Spirit of knowledge,
O Spirit of tenderness,
– O Holy Spirit, who rules all creation, visible and invisible,
Have mercy on me.

Have mercy on us Almighty God,
O Holy Spirit,
O Spirit of love,
O Spirit of grace,
O Spirit, from whom all good comes,
O Spirit, who annuls all guilt,
O Spirit, who wipes out sin.

Have mercy!

Amen

Prayer for 2008

Christ, as a light

illumine and guide me.

Christ, as a shield

overshadow me.

Christ under me;

Christ over me;

Christ beside me

on my left and my right.

This day be within and without me,

lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.

Be in the heart of each to whom I speak;

in the mouth of each who speaks unto me.

This day be within and without me,

lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.

Christ as a light;

Christ as a shield;

Christ beside me
on my left and my right.

St Patrick's breastplate

New Years' Eve

I can remember where I was and what I did last year. In the morning I spent time with my Kleipot friends, in the afternoon we did our last 'fun activity' ever as a family - I took my parents and sister to the Montecasino Bird Park. I spent the evening with dear friends and then we fell asleep on their couches, 'waiting for the new year'. This is significant, because it is followed by a blur of memories, not too many very clear.

I can remember how excited I was because the coming of a new year announced then end of a period of extended working hours. And then, only five days later the wheels started coming off when a hand surgeon told me I have a melanoma.

Today I am scared of the new year. I wish I could hide somewhere until it is all over. I do not have a family to take to a bird park or anywhere else. I think I freaked those dear friends out this year - we have not spent time together in many months. I am way too scared to be excited about 2008.

I made many mistakes and I cannot undo them. I think I might have lost hope. I have given up on so many dreams and relationships and myself. I miss my friends. I feel betrayed in so many ways. I also know that I am probably irrational, but that does not make the pain less real.

May God help me in the year to come. May He protect me. May He keep His hand over me and those I love. May He keep my dad and his new family. My brother, my sister, my mom, my friends... May we know the grace of God in 2008. May He help me not to see a whole year, but rather a day at a time. Just one day and His grace in it.

Christmas 2007

This morning I was reminded of all God's special gifts in my life. He gave me the most amazing friends, people who stood by me through heartache and times when I was impossible.

To me Christmas is Jesus who came to earth and pitched a tent amongst ours (John says He 'tabernacled' amongst us). Jesus lived on earth for 33 years, died for me and you and then rose and ascended to heaven.

He left a legacy and a body. The body had its work cut out - go, tell, baptize and disciple (Matthew 28:19) and I think it really was that simple. Over the centuries we complicated our job and compromised in so many areas.

Today - I think the message is still much the same... go (move out of your comfort zone)! Tell (and when absolutely necessary use words)! Baptize! Disciple (by mimicking Jesus and encouraging others to also do that)!

I know this became a cliche .... but we really might be somebody's Bible. This year my friends became my Bible. When I could not pray, I knew they did. They became Jesus who pitched up a tent next to mine and called me family.

So, on this Christmas day 2007, I thank God for Jesus who came to dwell amongst broken people like us and for people who have the courage to follow Him.

May God bless & keep you!

Reconcilation and Restitution

Today is a public holiday in South Africa, because yesterday was the Day of Reconciliation. Pre 1994, the day was known as 'Geloftedag'.

In 1838 a man named Sarel Cilliers prayed that God would protect the Afrikaners and give the enemy in their hand (Zulus in this battle). He promised that the Afrikaners would then commemorate 16 December every year and keep it as a Sabbath.

Post 1994, the day changed to the Day of Reconciliation. Last year, a bunch of us built a sandpit for (black) blind kids living mostly in squatter camps. To me, it was a tangible way to seek reconciliation after Apartheid and make restitution.

This morning, I was confronted by reconciliation in a strange way. I love animated movies and missed Ratatouille. This morning I went to Clearwater Mall to see Bee movie. While I was in the movies, I received an sms from my bank verifying a transaction of R 1500 at Levi's. I have never owned Levi's - obviously someone was stealing from me. An hour later (after I immediately left the movie, had the card blocked and spoke to people at Levi's), I realised the only person who could have done it, was a young girl at NuMetro.

I was in two minds - I can't just storm in there and make accusations, but on the other hand, I was robbed!

It turned out that this girl did in fact take my card, asked to go to a supermarket to buy pap for her granny and then went to Levi's with my card.

When I had the centre's security, Levi's manager, NuMetro's manager and this girl in one office, I had to make a call. Do I report her to the police and have her arrested or do I let it go?

I think I am emotional and irrational these days. This kid is only seventeen years old. This was probably a first offence. If she has a criminal record, I know she will not find another job.

I dropped it. I am not sure if it was the right thing to do. I had the opportunity to have a thief apprehended, but chose to let her go. See, I have sinned. I could not cast a stone. I pray that God will help this girl to go away and not to sin anymore.

Reconciliation? It is work. We need to find ways to share the love of this God we told others chose us over them. Restitution? It is work. Every day. May God help us.

A song

Yesterday we discussed Mary's Magnificat and dwelled on the magnification of God despite all other things...


Young Mary was probably 14 - 16 years old. She had a real problem - she was pregnant! I am sure nobody would ask her how it happened, after all there is only one known way to fall pregnant. Joseph and Mary must have crossed that line, then. I am sure there was a lot of gossip and talking behind their backs.


It was also the time of the crazy king Herod who killed people (seemingly without reason) and who always felt threatened by other leaders. The Roman ceaser at the time - Augustus - was known as the son of god.

And then, young Mary sang her song. A song of God's faithfulness and all the great things He has done. Despite political leaders and her pregnancy. Despite the fact that she would probably be stoned because of her illegitimate Child, despite everything... a song of praise and to magnify God.

Tom's challenge was this - why don't we write songs or psalms to God in this Advent? Looking back on a year's journey, God must have done something for us?

So, here is my attempt:

Lord, I love you.

This year, I felt that you stripped chunks of who I thought I was away.

There were many days, I did not know where you were or how to reach you,

yet you have never left me.

Even when I could not see or hear or feel you,

you were with me.

You were a shield around me, a wall of fire.

Every time I fell, you picked me up.

Every time I sinned, you forgave.

You wiped my tears.

I still feel stripped, but now I know you are here.

You are more than just a sensoric experience...

When I don't see, hear, feel, smell or taste your presence,

you are still here.

You still protect me.

Lord, help me to know you better.

Help me to see you as you are.

Help me to look past my own ideas of who you should be and see you.

Lord, help my unbelief.

Please strengthen my knees when they buckle.

Please remind me of your loving kindness that is new every morning.

Amen

About Schmidt or about Jesus?

I adopted an orphan today. She will not live with me, but I can buy her a Christmas gift and food and some clothes. I can pray for her and maybe celebrate her birthday with her.

Her name is Lethu and she is 2-3 years old. She lives in a squatter camp north of Johannesburg (Diepsloot). This is all I know.

When I mentioned this 'adoption' to a colleague, he smiled and said 'Just like Schmidt!'. I had this internal debate for the rest of the morning and had to ask myself some serious questions. See, my friends also adopted some of these kids. Due to HIV Aids there are lots of orphans around and reality is that a lot of them will not have food to eat this Christmas. They do not have family.

So why do I want to adopt a black orphan I have never met? To validate my existence (like Schmidt)? To repent from Apartheid? Because I hate to see people suffer?

Yesterday Tom told a story about an American child. His dad tried to explain Christmas gifts and asked where they come from. The little guy replied that the wise men gave Jesus gifts. Then the dad said that Jesus is not on earth any more - so what about the gifts? Easy! Jesus said if you do it to the least of these, you have also done it to Me! So... we should give to the poor.

This Christmas, adopting an orphan is my reasonable faith. If Jesus was here, I would have loved to give Him gifts. I think He is here... just not where you would expect to find the King. I think He is in a squatter camp, giving me the opportunity to give this Christmas, the opportunity to make a Child smile.

New hope

I am always amazed when God speaks to me. It is humbling to know that the Almighty God knows about a human being and cares enough to speak to us.

Yesterday I saw my parents. They are old and bitter and out to get each other. The current fight is about the family pictures. Since they are both our parents, I believe they should share the photos, but they refuse to be civilised.

When I got home, I was overwhelmed by the devastation of everything I had and was a year ago. The image of a forest fire came to mind. It felt like there is NOTHING left - only the destruction and desolation.

This morning we discussed Isaiah 11:1-10. Tom had a picture of a forest fire and this is where I believe God spoke to me. There is hope. Jesus is my hope for today and tonight and the day of tomorrow. I might not have any answers right now and there might be real destruction in my life, but He can make it new.

I was sure we are not supposed to celebrate Christmas (maybe just because my family hurts real bad at the moment), but today's Advent message brought hope in my heart and life.

Tonight, I see a new picture - that of a bright green shoot, growing in the scarred forest of what used to be my life. It is a new beginning, a new reality - and very real.

Plans

In our community we have a great rhythm. In January we formalise our growth plans for the year and discuss it with our accountability partners. They need to agree that the plans are realistic, yet challenging - after all the purpose is to grow.

This year my accountability partner and I were all charged up and confident that we will do a lot more than we said in our plans. We are both fairly disciplined and probably both used to over-achieving. Then life happened.

Sakkie and Lindie now have two more little miracles sharing their home. Hugo and Nina were born in the winter. Paul turned out to be a great big brother. If you have read my blog over the past year, you would know that life happened to me as well.

The point of the story? It is Advent. It is time to prepare for my walk with God in the year to come. Yes, we will formalise new plans, but they might look a bit different.

What was simple, e.g. reading a few chapters in my Bible before the crack of dawn, is now complex. I need 8 hours of sleep per night, not because I am lazy, but because my mind really needs it. I still battle to concentrate when reading and I miss it a lot. I miss picking up my Bible (or another book) and getting lost in it.

My new plan? I don't know yet. This morning I was listening to an audio Bible on my way to work. Maybe that could solve a part of my problem?

I know I am more humble than a year ago. I know that in myself I am not much. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know I am a broken clay pot. I pray that I will know God more intimately - I pray that Lindie and her family will know God more intimately. I pray that He will help us, not only to make a list of plans, but also to see it through. It really is about Him, after all.

A staff, a drum and maybe some food

My friend, Tom, appealed to his friends not to buy him gifts this Christmas. He wants his rich friends to rather help his less fortunate friends. See, somewhere along the line, Christmas became an occasion where rich people buy more gifts for other rich people. This is not the heart of Christmas.

Christmas is not about shopping sprees to the tunes of BoneyM. Advent (starting tomorrow) traditionally is a time of serious reflection. It is not unlike Lent where we fast from earthly pleasures.

Originally it was a season preparing for Epiphany, January 6—which commemorates not Jesus' birth, but his adoration by the Magi (in the West) or his baptism in the Jordan River (in the East).

Some people claim Advent was first celebrated by the apostle Peter, but the exact starting date of the season has been lost to history.

Whenever it started, Advent originally was a time of fasting and self-reflection. In the mid-300s, two events changed that thinking: Constantine the Great built the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, declaring Jesus' birthday a national holiday; and Julius (bishop of Rome), set the date as December 25.

Christmas took on a happier, more celebratory feel and became a time of joyous anticipation. (By the mid-400s, even the Eastern church—with a few exceptions—recognized December 25 as Christmas. However, Advent is still a much more solemn occasion among Orthodox

For the church, purple (and blue), not red and green, are this season's colors. Over time, Advent also became an occasion to reflect on the coming of Jesus' Kingdom. This is SO MUCH MORE than His birth.

Yes, Jesus becoming flesh (pitching a tent on earth?) is a miracle. He made it possible for us, sinners - broken people, to become part of the Kingdom of God. If He did not come, we would have been lost.

Yet, I don't see any instuctions for us to celebrate His birth. However, I do see an instruction to go and spread the message that the Kingdom is near. I do hear James saying we can't just 'wish everybody has enough' when we have the means to make a diference.

I don't think Jesus is asking rocket science. I think He is asking what we have, just like Moses and his staff. Today I heard 'Drummer boy' on the radio and I believe Jesus would have listened to him playing his drum if that was what he could offer.

What is in your hand? Your cupboards? What skills do you have? Let us give that this Christmas. Maybe we should leave our 'thrones' a while and serve God by serving others. Let's accept the challenge to make a difference and spread the Good News that Jesus came to set the captives free, open prison doors, make the blind see... What do you think?